Avoidance Patterns in Leadership: How Denial Kills Progress
As a healing and leadership coach, I help leaders and business owners recognize the avoidance patterns that quietly hijack their growth—usually while convincing them they’re just “picking their battles.” One of the biggest traps in leadership isn’t what you’re doing wrong—it’s what you’re avoiding altogether.
This article breaks down how avoidance patterns show up in leadership, the psychology behind denial (yes, it’s more than just being conflict-averse), and how to shift those habits without turning your life into a never-ending self-improvement project.
Avoidance isn’t a harmless quirk—it’s a leadership liability. Dodging the hard stuff might bring temporary relief, but it usually comes with a price tag: stalled momentum, confused teams, and trust that quietly erodes over time. The fix? Nothing fancy. Just a willingness to face what’s real and lead from there.
Why This Issue Matters to Leaders and Business Owners
Leadership is not just about steering the ship; it’s about navigating storms. Avoidance patterns often emerge as leaders attempt to dodge the discomfort of conflict, difficult feedback, or tough decisions. While this may seem harmless at first, avoidance creates ripple effects:
Stalled Progress: Unresolved issues fester, delaying important initiatives.
Eroded Trust: Teams lose faith in leaders who avoid responsibility.
Missed Opportunities: Innovation suffers when leaders fail to address challenges head-on.
And I get it. As a leader, the last thing you want to do is start forecasting rainstorms right after your organization’s weathered chaos. But pretending it’s sunny when the clouds are already rolling in? That doesn’t help anyone.
Take the leaders at Unilever, who oversee the Ben & Jerry’s brand. For years, they tried to dance around the growing tension between the parent company’s global priorities and the ice cream brand’s outspoken political activism. Instead of facing the conflict head-on, leadership mostly avoided addressing the internal friction and public blowback.
The result?
A swirl of lawsuits, public confusion, and a fractured brand identity that left both teams and customers wondering who was actually in charge. All of it could’ve been handled differently if someone had just said, “Hey, this is a problem—we need to talk.”
Avoidance Patterns Isn’t Laziness—It’s Self-Protection in Disguise
When leaders prioritize temporary harmony over necessary confrontation, they inadvertently compromise organizational health and innovation. Avoidance sends a damaging message: accountability is optional. For leaders and business owners striving for excellence, that’s not just risky—it’s a recipe for disaster.
But here’s the part we don’t talk about enough: most leaders aren’t avoiding because they’re lazy or careless. They’re exhausted. Burned out. Afraid of creating more conflict. Many are carrying invisible wounds from past failures, toxic workplaces, or simply too many responsibilities on their shoulders. Avoidance often shows up as self-protection dressed up in strategy.
That’s why the psychology behind avoidance patterns matters. It’s not just about bad habits—it’s about unspoken fears, unconscious scripting, and the mental gymnastics we use to convince ourselves that “waiting it out” is the wise move.
You don’t need a psychology degree to hold a healthy confrontation. Learn how to listen without interrupting, how to speak without shaming, and how to pause before reacting. Most “bad conflict” comes from defensiveness, not disagreement.
The Psychology Behind Avoidance Patterns
Avoidance patterns aren’t just bad habits—they’re often trauma responses wrapped in leadership language. According to sociologist Arlie Hochschild, denial—a common form of avoidance—is a defense mechanism that suppresses emotional discomfort. But in practice, especially for leaders, it goes deeper than just discomfort.
Avoidance shows up most when leaders are facing perceived losses: a failed strategy, a shift in team dynamics, unmet expectations, or even the slow realization that the business they built no longer aligns with their values. These moments can trigger grief—not the kind we usually talk about, but the kind that comes from identity loss, disillusionment, or instability.
As I wrote in The Grief Process: Moving Forward After Loss, grief isn’t just about losing people. It’s also about losing dreams, safety, certainty, or the version of yourself you thought you had to be. And when you don’t make space to process that grief, it leaks into your leadership.
That’s where psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s stages of grief come in. While originally designed to explain responses to death and dying, the emotional sequence shows up in business too:
Denial: Avoiding data, dismissing feedback, telling yourself “it’s just a rough patch.”
Anger: Snapping at the team, blaming clients, or turning the frustration inward.
Bargaining: Clinging to magical thinking—“Maybe if I just redo the website again…”
Depression: Feeling numb, disengaged, or completely over it.
Acceptance: Facing the truth, adjusting your expectations, and pivoting from a grounded place.
But here’s what most models don’t include: what happens when we don’t move forward. That’s where addiction creeps in—not just to substances, but to overworking, micromanaging, constant planning, control, shopping, scrolling, binge-watching, or even self-improvement. (Yes, obsessing over your next productivity hack can be its own escape hatch.)
These compulsions offer a false sense of control in the middle of emotional chaos. But instead of solving the underlying grief, they keep you stuck—burned out, disconnected, and quietly wondering why nothing ever feels “done.”
Recognizing how grief and loss fuel avoidance is only half the story—because what we avoid emotionally doesn’t just stay inside us. It eventually shows up in how we lead, how we make decisions, and how our teams function. And the price? It’s bigger than most leaders realize.
Avoidance Isn’t Neutral—It’s Expensive
Avoidance doesn’t just disappear because you ignore it. It quietly seeps into everything—your energy, your team’s morale, and your ability to make clear decisions. What feels like “keeping the peace” can actually be the thing that slows your business down.
Here’s what the research shows:
Emotional Labor: When leaders suppress their emotions (or pretend they’re not having any), it builds pressure. Over time, that pressure turns into burnout, resentment, or total disengagement. You can’t lead well if you’re constantly holding your breath.
Team Dynamics: Employees can feel when their leader is avoiding things—like giving real feedback, naming problems, or making decisions. It creates confusion and slowly chips away at trust. When people don’t know what’s really going on, they stop bringing their best ideas forward.
Strategic Blind Spots: When leaders are in denial, they stop seeing things clearly. They either overreact or underreact. Big problems get downplayed, and small ones get ignored until they become something bigger. Good strategy depends on clarity—and you can’t have clarity if you’re avoiding the truth.
And this isn’t just my opinion.
A McKinsey study found that organizations with strong, healthy leadership are 2.3 times more likely to outperform their peers in productivity and profitability. Let that sink in. The ability to lead clearly and consistently isn’t just good for culture—it’s directly tied to your bottom line.
Think of avoidance like steering a ship while ignoring the hole in the hull. You might feel in control for a while. You might even get applause for staying “calm under pressure.” But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re slowly sinking. Eventually, the truth catches up.
Leadership isn’t about having it all together. It’s about showing up, learning as you go, and being willing to grow.
Breaking Free from Avoidance Patterns
Getting unstuck from avoidance isn’t about becoming a perfect communicator overnight. It’s about becoming aware—of your fears, your habits, and how your leadership style impacts others. Once you understand what’s driving your avoidance, you can start shifting how you lead.
Leadership doesn’t require emotional perfection. But it does demand honesty—starting with yourself.
Here are a few ways to begin:
Open Communication: Speak plainly. Say what needs to be said, even if your voice shakes a little. People can handle the truth more than they can handle confusion. As I shared in Authentic Connection with Team Members, vulnerability doesn’t weaken your authority—it strengthens trust when it’s grounded in care.
Conflict Resolution Skills: You don’t need a psychology degree to hold a healthy confrontation. Learn how to listen without interrupting, how to speak without shaming, and how to pause before reacting. Most “bad conflict” comes from defensiveness, not disagreement.
Self-Awareness: Notice your avoidance cues. Do you delay meetings, sugarcoat feedback, or over-research before making a move? Those are emotional cues—clues that fear is driving the wheel. Call it what it is without judging yourself. That’s how the cycle starts to break.
Emotional Resilience: Avoidance often comes from the belief that we can’t handle discomfort. But you can. Building tolerance for hard emotions—grief, frustration, disappointment—means you don’t have to run from them. You can stand still, breathe, and lead through it.
As Anne Dranitsaris puts it, “Understanding the fears and beliefs that drive avoidant behavior is the first step for leaders to develop conflict resolution skills.” And I’ll add: understanding those fears without shame is what allows us to actually heal them.
In my coaching work, I’ve seen how unresolved grief and trauma show up as micromanaging, silence, people-pleasing, or controlling every detail of the business. But the solution isn’t to crack down harder—it’s to connect more deeply. That means learning the emotional language of your team, slowing down to build trust, and being willing to course-correct when you’ve been stuck in autopilot mode.
And yes—sometimes that means saying goodbye to team members who don’t want to grow. As I mentioned in my other article, not everyone is ready for emotionally healthy communication. And that’s okay. Part of healing is making peace with that too.
Breaking free from avoidance isn’t about “fixing yourself.” It’s about leading from a place of integrity—not fear. And that kind of leadership? It’s rare. But it’s powerful.
In Case You Need the Cliff Notes
Look, I know this was a lot—so here’s the short version if you need to print it out, tape it to your desk, or just keep it close for when things get hard:
Speak plainly. Stop dancing around it. Say the thing.
Listen without fixing. People want to feel heard, not handled.
Own your patterns. No shame—just name it so you can change it.
Stay with discomfort. You’re stronger than that pit in your stomach.
Lead with truth. Not fear. Not performance. Just truth.
That’s it. The image above sums this up. No 47-step leadership program, no buzzwords, no self-help fog. Just real tools for real people who want to lead with integrity and keep their peace while doing it.
Now take a deep breath. You’ve got this.
Breaking out of avoidance patterns isn’t easy—but it is doable. And once you stop leading from fear and start leading from clarity, everything changes. So let’s bring this home.
Final Thoughts
Avoidance patterns are like weeds—they grow quietly until they choke out your progress. As a leader, pulling them up isn’t just an act of courage; it’s a non-negotiable if you want real success. Like Abraham Lincoln said, “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”
If you’re ready to tackle avoidance head-on and unlock the next level of your leadership, I invite you to work with me, Denise G. Lee. Together, we’ll craft practical, personalized strategies that fit you—no cookie-cutter formulas, just honest support.
Want more real talk like this? Listen to my podcast for straight-up insights on leadership and personal growth—wherever you stream.
Got thoughts or questions about this article? Write me here. I’d love to hear from you.
And just in case no one’s said it lately: leadership isn’t about having it all together. It’s about showing up, learning as you go, and being willing to grow. That’s what makes it powerful. That’s what makes it human.
