When Fantasy Becomes a Fix: How Love Addiction Hijacks Your Life and Leadership
- Updated: May 13, 2025
You’ve got goals. A business. Maybe even a vision board.
But at night? You’re spiraling through rom-com marathons, watching Justin Bieber relationship drama on YouTube, and wondering if maybe—just maybe—soap operas had it right about love after all.
Meanwhile, your real-life love life is a disaster. You’re either chasing someone who barely shows up… or stuck in a cycle of “this time will be different” with someone who never really changes.
And your business? It’s dragging. Not because you’re not smart. But because emotional chaos has taken the wheel—and it’s driving everything off the road.
If any of this hits too close to home, I need you to know something:
This isn’t a personality flaw. It’s not just “bad taste” or “bad timing.”
This is love addiction.
And it’s way more common than you think—especially for smart, capable women who built resilience out of survival… but never learned what safe, boring, grounded love actually feels like.
Let’s talk about the fantasy you’ve been sold. The biology that keeps you hooked. And how chasing romance as your only lifeline will quietly sabotage your leadership—and your life.
Romance Was Never Just Entertainment—It Was Indoctrination
Before you ever got ghosted, breadcrumbed, or wrapped up in another 2 a.m. text cycle, you were already sold a story.
It came in the form of Disney movies, teen dramas, pop songs, and “second chance” celebrity couples that made dysfunction look aspirational.
You were taught that love is supposed to feel like chaos.
That if it doesn’t hurt, it’s not real.
That waiting, longing, fixing, proving—all of it—is part of the romance.
And you internalized it. Because most of us did.
Even now, as an adult woman running a business, part of you still waits for the big gesture, the emotional whiplash that somehow makes you feel alive.
You find yourself replaying breakup clips on social, crying over fictional betrayals, and whispering “relationship goals” about couples who, in reality, probably need therapy and a month apart.
Culture made obsession look like devotion.
It made addiction look like passion.
And it never taught you how to feel safe with someone who actually shows up.
But that’s not your fault.
The fantasy was designed to sell. And like any good marketing campaign, it worked.
Now let’s look at what that fantasy does to your brain.
The High You Didn’t Know You Were Chasing
Let’s get one thing clear: love addiction isn’t about love.
It’s about chemistry—literal brain chemistry—and how it hijacks your judgment, dignity, and decision-making.
You think you’re falling for someone’s “soul,” but your brain is on drugs.
🧠 What’s Really Happening Inside You
When you meet someone new and intense, your brain floods with dopamine, oxytocin, and adrenaline.
It’s the same chemical cocktail behind cocaine highs and gambling benders. You feel euphoric. Electric. Obsessed.
You stay up late fantasizing about the next date. You can’t eat, can’t focus, can’t stop replaying every moment in your head.
Your body says this is love.
But it’s not.
It’s a neurochemical storm. And for a love addict, that storm becomes the fix.
💔 The Oxytocin Trap (Especially for Women)
Now let’s talk about sex.
When a woman sleeps with someone—even if she barely knows him—her body releases oxytocin: the bonding hormone. It doesn’t care if the guy is emotionally available, invested, or even kind.
It just says: “We’re connected now.”
That oxytocin bond can last up to three years.
So even if the relationship turns toxic, she’ll keep excusing, justifying, and fantasizing, because her biology has decided: he matters.
This is why you might feel addicted to someone who treats you like a placeholder.
Why leaving feels like detox.
Why you miss people who never really knew you.
🧨 Why You Can’t Just “Let It Go”
Let’s make this real:
You’re crying in your car after a brutal text fight. You’ve got a webinar in 10 minutes. You can barely breathe.
But you tell yourself:
He’s just stressed.
She’ll come around.
They’re not usually like this.
You’re not responding to reality—you’re responding to the chemical memory of the high.
That first date, that first kiss, that “this might be it” rush… your brain wants that again.
So it ignores the red flags and tells you this is worth salvaging.
It isn’t.
But here’s the thing—this isn’t about shame.
It’s about understanding.
Once you see that your fantasy is chemically reinforced, you can stop blaming yourself for not “being stronger.”
You weren’t weak. You were wired.
And now you can rewrite the pattern.
Not All Heartache Is the Same: Love Addiction vs. Codependency vs. Sex Addiction
It’s easy to lump all messy relationship patterns together—but clarity is power. And if you’re serious about healing, you need to know exactly what you’re up against.
Let’s break it down:
💔 Love Addiction:
You’re obsessed with the feeling of being in love. You chase intensity, fantasy, and the belief that the next person will complete you.
You fall fast. You ignore red flags. You stay long after the damage is done—because the high felt so good, and you need it back.
This isn’t about sex or service.
It’s about the fix.
You’re not dating a person—you’re dating a projection.
“If I just love him more…”
“If I hold on, she’ll change…”
You become a prisoner to your own hope.
🧷 Codependency:
Now this is different. Codependency says: “If they’re okay, I’m okay.”
You define your worth by someone else’s needs. You become the caretaker, the fixer, the quiet martyr.
Boundaries feel like betrayal. You lose yourself in someone else’s chaos, mistaking sacrifice for love.
It’s not about the high. It’s about control through caretaking.
“They need me.”
“I can’t leave them like this.”
You don’t just fear abandonment—you fear being useless.
🔥 Sex Addiction:
This is about physical escape.
The high comes from the act itself—orgasm, chase, conquest, novelty.
There may be zero emotional attachment. Just bodies, dopamine, and avoidance.
Unlike love addiction (which is about romantic obsession), sex addiction is about stimulation.
“I just need to get off.”
“One more hit, then I’ll stop.”
Emotions aren’t the hook here—impulse is.
So Where Do You Fit?
Sometimes, you may carry patterns from all three. That’s normal. But knowing your dominant driver helps you focus your healing.
Love addiction is especially tricky because it wears the mask of “just wanting connection.”
But you’re not actually connecting.
You’re clinging to a fantasy and calling it intimacy.
And until you learn what healthy love actually looks and feels like, the fantasy will always feel safer than the truth.
Let’s talk about love addiction.
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) August 21, 2024
And how timely, considering the recent news about the Bennifer breakup (a.k.a. Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck).
Now, this isn’t a commentary on who they are, their relationship, or what caused it to end. I don’t know them, and neither do you.… pic.twitter.com/mRjcrsWcDd
So What Does Healthy Love Actually Feel Like? (Spoiler: It’s Not a Rush)
If you’re used to chaos, healthy love feels boring at first.
Nobody’s blowing up your phone.
Nobody’s spinning grand gestures to win you back after ghosting.
No late-night adrenaline or rummaging through old photos at night, no cryptic texts to decode, no imaginary movie montage to keep replaying.
And yet… you feel safe.
Seen.
Not because someone is love-bombing you, but because you’re finally not performing to be chosen.
Healthy connection sounds like:
“I like who I am around you.”
“I can breathe here.”
“I don’t have to prove my worth every day.”
It’s grounded, not grandiose.
It’s consistent, not performative.
And it asks you to bring your real self—not your curated, hypervigilant, love-me-or-I’ll-crack self.
It doesn’t mean the absence of conflict. It means the presence of repair.
It means you can say “That hurt me” without the fear of being discarded.
You can walk away from manipulation—even when it’s dressed in affection.
Healthy love doesn’t demand you abandon your purpose to feel “complete.”
It shows up because you’re already whole.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Need Another Fantasy—You Need Your Power Back
If you’ve made it this far, you already know this isn’t just about romance.
It’s about how you’ve been conditioned to chase love that drains you.
How your biology locked in patterns before you ever had a chance to question them.
How your leadership, your peace, your energy—have all been leaking into fantasies that never deliver.
You’re not broken. You’re not too much. You’re not too late.
But you do need to stop pretending that another whirlwind relationship will fix the ache inside.
It won’t.
Only truth will.
Only clarity will.
Only you—rooted, honest, and present—can choose something different.
Need More Help?
If you’re ready to stop performing and start healing—for real—I’d be honored to support you.
💛 Work with me, Denise G. Lee – Together, we’ll untangle the deeper patterns holding you back and create clear, practical strategies that match you. No hype. No formulas. Just honest, personalized support.
👉 Explore working together
🎙️ Want more real talk like this?
Listen to my podcast for unfiltered conversations on emotional growth, leadership, and the truth about healing in business and life.
👉 Introverted Entrepreneur – wherever you stream
💌 Got thoughts or questions about this article?
I’d love to hear from you.
👉 Write me a note
And just in case no one’s reminded you lately:
Leadership isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about being present. Being willing.
Showing up with your scars, not just your strengths.
That’s what makes it powerful.
That’s what makes it real.
