Building Emotional Intimacy: 7 Steps to Cultivating Deeper Connections in Your Relationships
I have a confession to make. For many years, I prided myself on being a loner. The reason for this is simple: I believed that nobody would betray my trust.
While I felt it kept me safe from emotional pain, it limited me immensely in terms of diminished empathy and stunted communication skills. I didn’t realize this until a coach pointed out to me the real cost of my self-imposed isolation.
What about you? How are you in terms of relating with others? What is the quality of your relationships?
As a life coach for entrepreneurs, I want you to have happier personal and professional relationships. In this article, we will talk about seven steps so you can build meaningful relationships and cultivate emotional intimacy with others.
First, we will talk about the reason why we mistrust others. Understanding the reasons will help you feel less self-conscious and thereby help you to remove the barriers that prevent you from easily connecting with others.
Behind the mistrust of others
I can’t trust anyone!
Oh my, I can’t tell you how many times I have told that to people over the years.
Can you relate to being suspicious and mistrusting of others?
If you were raised in a pain-filled dysfunctional family where deceit, sadness, lies, anger, rage, emotional distancing, and avoidance were normal, yes, you’re going to be suspicious, negative, distrusting, highly analytical, critical, or disconnected from emotions with everyone, including yourself.
Again, that is normal for someone with an emotionally damaged life script.
But, let’s get back to the idea with which you may agree:
“I can’t trust anyone!”
Oh, you can’t trust anyone?
Society runs on trust
Polite society runs on trust. Yes, we trust lots of folks – even strangers (like me!).
You trust people to keep the electricity running so you can use your electronics and the internet to be easily accessible.
…. And you trust me to keep it 100%.
This world is filled with fame and money-hungry freaks who will say and do anything for likes and followers. So, it is not an issue of trust, but rather discernment.
And discernment requires you to have confidence in yourself and your ability to accurately access fact from fiction, as well as the character of the people who want to gain your trust.
Enter cultivating emotional intimacy. Below are seven steps to help you cultivate deeper connections with emotionally healthy and trustworthy people.
How to cultivate emotional intimacy in your relationships
Cultivating deeper connections with others is a profound and essential aspect of human life. It enriches our experiences, brings meaning to our interactions, and contributes to our overall well-being. Here are some key principles to consider when seeking to foster more meaningful connections:
1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable
To establish genuine connections, it’s crucial to be authentic and open about your real feelings about a variety of issues. This vulnerability allows others to relate to you on a deeper level. It humanizes you and makes you more relatable. It also sets a foundation of trust in your relationships.
Research supports this idea. For example, in 1997, Arthur Aron, a social psychologist and director of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University, performed research to analyze how people can develop close connections with others.
Aron and his research team paired students who were strangers. The students were given 45 minutes to ask each other a series of questions. Half the pairs were given questions that were factual and shallow (e.g., a favorite pastime team). The other half were given questions that started off as factual but gradually became deeper (e.g., share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life). The final question was, “Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find the most disturbing?”
After the 45 minutes, Aron’s team asked the participants to rate how close they felt to their partner. Pairs from the second group formed much deeper bonds. In fact, many of these participants started lasting friendships. In one longer version of the experiment, two participants even got engaged a few months after the study.
When we constantly try to guard ourselves from threats, eventually, we might discover that we have created walls that nobody can even climb to reach us.
2. Accept Your Humanity
From the moment you are born, you feel vulnerable. You depend on your caregivers to provide you with things in order for you to feel safe and protected. As you grow older and become more independent, you pride yourself on your ability to be self-sufficient.
However, some of us never feel okay about not being perfect. Perhaps you were raised in a very critical home where mistakes were met with criticism and disapproval. Receiving messages that perfection is the only standard can make one feel as if being imperfect is not permissible.
That being said, I have some news to tell you: you’re human. We all make mistakes, have flaws, and experience moments of weakness.
Embracing your own humanity means acknowledging your imperfections and treating yourself with kindness and understanding. When you accept your own imperfections, you become more accepting of the imperfections of others as well.
3. Avoid Generalizations Based on Past Experiences
It is common for people to carry the baggage of past relationship hurts into new connections, and the reason for this is because we need to recognize the similarities in knowledge acquired in one circumstance, allowing for the transfer of knowledge onto new situations. It allows this complex machine called the brain to save precious energy.
However, to cultivate deeper relationships, generalizing or judging new connections based on painful past experiences is not a good idea.
When we label people in boxes based on little information, we rob ourselves of exploring the validity of our ideas and potentially damaging a potential relationship. Every individual is unique, and each relationship is an opportunity for growth and connection.
For example, just the other day, I met my new friend Maria Daniels, a podcaster, and serial entrepreneur. When I first saw her face, I thought, “She has to be a bitch.” But instead of letting my mind drift towards negativity, I decided to talk to her. Now, we can’t get enough of our fun conversations.
It's always best not to compare yourself with random folks you don't know, right? And the same goes for your new relationship. Why even bother comparing your new people from folk from the past? It's all about having fun and enjoying each other's company.
4. Heal from Past Pains
Unresolved emotional baggage from previous relationships can hinder your ability to fully connect with others.
5. Boost Self-Confidence
Confidence is attractive and can significantly enhance your ability to connect with others. The reason is simple: it is draining to be around someone who is riddled with fears and insecurities. They are constantly doubting and wondering whether they are headed in the right direction. Look, nobody (who is emotionally healthy) wants to act as someone’s surrogate parent.
As you are reading this, you may be thinking, “Well, Denise, how do I boost my confidence?” Great question! This is the time where you need to develop self-efficacy. This is the idea that you are an independent agent who is able to recognize one’s strengths, set achievable goals, and have a strong sense of values. When you believe in yourself and your mission in life, it becomes easier to engage authentically with others.
5. Boost Self-Confidence
Confidence is attractive and can significantly enhance your ability to connect with others. The reason is simple: it is draining to be around someone who is riddled with fears and insecurities. They are constantly doubting and wondering whether they are headed in the right direction. Look, nobody (who is emotionally healthy) wants to act as someone’s surrogate parent.
As you are reading this, you may be thinking, “Well, Denise, how do I boost my confidence?” Great question! This is the time where you need to develop self-efficacy. This is the idea that you are an independent agent who is able to recognize one’s strengths, set achievable goals, and have a strong sense of values. When you believe in yourself and your mission in life, it becomes easier to engage authentically with others.
6. Don’t elevate people to “God-Status”
Have you ever based your identity on the approval of others? I know I have. If you were raised in a painful home, seeking approval from your family may come naturally. They have become your demi-gods.
However, what happens when those same parents were emotionally disabled? What if you try to find fulfillment from people who do not know how to express their thoughts and feelings without being condescending, abrupt, evasive, or secretive?
Looking for love in all the wrong places
If you did not develop a healthy sense of identity during your childhood, you could meet emotionally damaged people as an adult. For years, I looked for emotionally damaged people to love me back to health.
Some of you may be doing the same, looking for someone who cannot or will not love you the way you deserve. Then you may wonder why you feel depressed some days.
Certain relationships are like an empty glass that cannot pour out anything, such as love, kindness, gentleness, and appreciation because there is nothing to give emotionally. Do not waste years of precious youth seeking approval from those who cannot offer fulfillment.
7. Surround Yourself with Supportive People
… You see I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain
In the desert you can’t remember your name
‘Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain
La la la la la la…
Final thoughts
Emotional intimacy is not an easy task. It takes a level of introspection, honesty, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Moreover, cultivating deeper connections with others is a lifelong journey that requires self-awareness, self-acceptance, and a willingness to be vulnerable.
By embracing your own humanity, healing from past wounds, and nurturing relationships based on authenticity and support, you can create more profound and fulfilling connections with the people in your life.
The process, not the results, is success in itself.
While I cannot guarantee that all of your relationships will end well, I can guarantee that if you learn the necessary lessons, you will be rewarded with more satisfying relationships in the future.
If you need more support regarding cultivating healthy and supportive relationships, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
To dig deeper into this issue, listen to one of my podcast episodes that discusses inner integrity and honesty. Click here or press the play button below.
