Understanding Emotional Trauma: Definition and Effects
Life can be tough sometimes, I get that. If you’re feeling tired of people and struggling with your own emotions, it might be because of past emotional trauma. We all carry some baggage from our past, but sometimes that baggage gets too heavy to bear alone.
This article can’t fix your past emotional trauma. Your pain is unique and can’t be fully addressed here. But as a healing and leadership coach who specializes in trauma and addictions, I want to share resources to help you understand how past emotional trauma affects you now and what you can do about it.
First, let’s define trauma.
What is Emotional Trauma?
Trauma is a tricky thing to pin down. It’s not just about big, scary events. Sometimes, it’s the little things that pile up over time. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading expert in trauma, puts it this way: “Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain, and body.”
In simple terms, trauma is when something happens that’s too much for us to handle at the time. It could be a one-time event or something that happens over and over. The key is that it overwhelms our ability to cope.
But here’s the thing: trauma isn’t just about what happened. It’s about how it affected you. Two people can go through the same event, and one might be traumatized while the other isn’t. It all depends on how our brains and bodies process the experience.
Types of Trauma
Let’s break down the different types of trauma:
- Acute Trauma: This comes from a single, powerful event. Think car accidents, natural disasters, or violent attacks.
- Chronic Trauma: This happens when you’re exposed to stressful situations over a long time. Examples include ongoing abuse, neglect, or living in a war zone.
- Complex Trauma: This is when you experience multiple, long-lasting, and often interrelated traumatic events. It’s common in childhood abuse or neglect situations.
- Vicarious Trauma: This can happen when you’re exposed to other people’s trauma stories or experiences. It’s common in helping professions like therapists or first responders.
Remember, trauma isn’t just about abuse. It includes indirect violence (like watching acts of violence), chronic stress, sexual objectification, enmeshment, or neglect. Even seemingly “small” things can be traumatic if they overwhelm your ability to cope.
Some of us are looking for someone similar to our abuser to give us permission to feel better about ourselves.
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) September 19, 2024
Yes! It's true.
At first glance, it seems crazy.
But when you understand trauma, it makes perfect sense.
We’ve told ourselves we’re unworthy. So when someone who…
Symptoms of Emotional Trauma
Trauma-related symptoms do not come in a one-size-fits-all box. It’s like a chameleon, changing its colors depending on the person and situation. Here’s a more detailed list of common trauma-related symptoms:
- Suspicious & untrusting: You might find it hard to believe people have good intentions.
- Negative & pessimistic: The world might seem like a dark place most of the time.
- Addictive behaviors: You might turn to substances, work, sex, or even dangerous activities to numb the pain.
- Self-sabotaging: You might find yourself messing up good things in your life, almost on purpose.
- Compulsive behaviors: You might feel the need to do certain things over and over.
- Scattered & distracted: Focusing might be a real challenge.
- Demotivated & drained of energy: Even simple tasks might feel exhausting.
- Judgmental of yourself & others: You might be your own harshest critic.
- High pain tolerance: You might not notice when you’re hurting, physically or emotionally.
- Constantly apologizing: You might feel the need to say sorry for everything, even when it’s not your fault.
- Emotional numbness: You might struggle to feel or express emotions.
- Insecurities: You might constantly doubt yourself and your abilities.
- Hypersensitivity: Small things might set you off in big ways.
- Fear of vulnerability: Opening up to others, even physically, might feel terrifying.
- Flashbacks or nightmares: You might relive traumatic experiences in your mind.
- Physical symptoms: You might experience unexplained aches, pains, or health issues.
- Difficulty with relationships: You might struggle to form or maintain close connections.
- Avoidance: You might go out of your way to avoid anything that reminds you of the trauma.
Remember, you don’t need to check all these boxes to have experienced trauma. Even a few of these symptoms can significantly impact your life. I summarized these ideas in the image below. Next, let’s talk about how the words we use impact our emotional trauma healing.
The Importance of Language in Emotional Trauma Healing
Now, let’s talk about your choice of words and language and why it’s so important in trauma healing work.
When I first started my own recovery journey, my therapist was super picky about the words I used. Sometimes, she’d stop me mid-sentence to correct how I explained something. At first, I thought she was just being nitpicky. But as I dug deeper into trauma healing work, I realized how crucial our words are.
The way you explain your feelings to yourself and others can completely change the healing process. Let me share an example I love to use with my clients.
Visit to the Doctor
Imagine you’re feeling unwell and need to visit a doctor. For a moment, let’s switch roles—I’ll be you, and you can play the doctor.
You: “I am sick.”
Doctor: “Alright, what seems to be happening?”
You: “My body aches.”
Doctor: “Where does it hurt?”
You: “I just feel bad all over.”
Doctor: “How long have you been feeling this way?”
You: “I’m not sure… I can’t remember.”
Now, think about it. Could you, as the doctor, accurately diagnose the condition? Would any prescribed treatment be effective? Probably not, right?
It’s the same with emotional trauma work. If we can’t accurately describe what’s going on inside us, it’s hard to find the right “treatment” for our emotional pain.
Dr. Peter Levine, a pioneer in trauma healing, says, “Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence.” But to break free from that sentence, we need to be able to articulate our experiences and feelings clearly.
The Power of Naming Our Experiences
There’s real power in naming our experiences. Neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel calls this “name it to tame it.” When we put words to our feelings and experiences, it actually helps calm the emotional centers of our brain.
Here’s a little exercise you can try:
Think of a recent situation that upset you.
- Instead of just saying “I felt bad,” try to be more specific.
- Were you angry? Sad? Scared? Disappointed?
- Can you describe the physical sensations in your body?
For example, instead of “I felt bad when my friend canceled our plans,” you might say, “I felt disappointed and a bit anxious when my friend canceled. My stomach felt tight, and I noticed my shoulders tensing up.”
See the difference? The second description gives us much more to work with. It helps us understand our reactions better and gives us clues about what we might need to feel better.
Healing from Emotional Trauma: A Journey to Emotional Resilience and Well-Being
Healing from emotional trauma isn’t a quick fix. It’s more like a journey, with ups and downs along the way. But every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.
Dr. Judith Herman, a psychiatrist and pioneer in trauma studies, says, “The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.”
In other words, part of us wants to pretend the trauma never happened, while another part desperately needs to talk about it. Healing involves finding a balance between these two impulses.
If you want to heal, you need to do two things:
- Accepting the past as it was, not as you would have liked it to be.
- Accepting yourself as an imperfect human being.
Let’s dive deeper into each of these.
Accepting the past as it was, not as you would have liked it to be
Carl Jung, the famous psychologist, once said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” This quote hits the nail on the head when it comes to trauma.
Our minds love patterns. It makes sense because our bodies are trained to do things efficiently, to save energy. But sometimes, these patterns can keep us stuck in trauma responses.
Wired for Pain?
Think about growing up in a scary, chaotic environment. Maybe one or more of your family members struggled with their own issues, and you never felt emotionally or psychologically safe.
To make sense of your childhood, you had to come up with explanations for the crazy stuff happening around you. Plus, your body was constantly pumping out stress hormones to help you cope.
Over time, your brain got wired to expect painful feelings as normal. It’s like your brain is saying, “This is just how life is supposed to be.”
The Soap Opera Effect
When I was a kid, I got hooked on soap operas like “Young and the Restless.” Every episode was full of drama, conflict, and misunderstandings. There were hardly ever any peaceful moments because, let’s face it, peace and calm aren’t very exciting to watch.
You might find yourself living a real-life soap opera now. Maybe you’re always fighting with family members, having stressful interactions at work, or worrying about how to pay the bills. And if you’re honest with yourself, this stress might feel “normal” to you.
But here’s the thing: just because something feels normal doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
Behind the perfectionism is fear.
— Denise Lee (@DeniseGLee) August 12, 2023
Fear of:
-messing up
-not viewed as worthy
-being criticized
And that's why so many of us:
-procrastinate
-avoid
Which leads to:
-depression
-anxiety
Love, we live in an imperfect world filled with imperfect people, including you.
You are…
Breaking the Cycle
If you want to live a happier, more productive life, it’s time to get real about what actually happened in your past. Stop trying to minimize the pain or make excuses for bad behavior – yours or anyone else’s.
Take off those rose-colored glasses and see the situation for what it really was. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s the first step towards healing.
Here are some questions to help you start this process:
- What did you do to cope with painful feelings in the past?
- How did people around you respond to you during difficult times?
- Why were certain situations stressful for you? Try to be specific.
Remember, the goal isn’t to blame anyone or wallow in past pain. It’s about understanding your experiences so you can start to change your patterns.
Accepting yourself as an imperfect human being
Now, let’s talk about the second part of healing: accepting yourself, flaws and all.
When I was younger, people called me “Ms. D,” and trust me, it wasn’t a compliment. I wanted everything done my way, on my schedule. I thought I had to be perfect to be worthy of love and respect.
Looking back, I can see how this mindset only brought chaos and confusion into my life. I attracted people who either wanted to be my doormat or were even more controlling than me. Neither scenario was healthy.
On top of that, I was dealing with anxiety, insomnia, and a serious sugar addiction. I needed a glass (or more) of wine every night just to fall asleep.
Why We Fear Imperfection?
So, why are we so afraid of being imperfect? It usually comes down to fear of criticism. If you’re already feeling fragile inside, any negative feedback can feel like a major threat.
That’s why you might find yourself avoiding situations where you could be judged or criticized, even if the feedback could be helpful. You might surround yourself with “yes-men” who never challenge you, or isolate yourself to avoid any potential criticism.
But here’s the truth: nobody’s perfect. Not you, not me, not even that person you admire who seems to have it all together. We’re all human, and being human means being beautifully, wonderfully imperfect.
Brené Brown, a researcher who studies vulnerability and shame, puts it this way: “Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together.”
Embracing Your Imperfections
If you want to heal from trauma, it’s time to confront those inner demons. Yes, you’re beautiful, sexy, and wonderful, but there are probably parts of yourself that need some attention and care.
Here are some questions to ponder:
- In what areas of your life are you overly judgmental or critical?
- Do you find yourself getting defensive when someone offers constructive criticism, even if they’re trying to help?
- Have you surrounded yourself with people who never challenge you? When did this pattern start?
Remember, the goal isn’t to beat yourself up. Also, don’t hold onto your pain. This process is only designed to help you start seeing yourself clearly, both your strengths and your areas for growth.
Too many of us hold onto our pain as a false sign of strength and resilience.
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) September 11, 2024
Then we wonder why we feel so darn exhausted, tired and overwhelmed with the ebbs and flow that come along with living life.😟
Releasing, unloading and decompression is a MANDATE for your healing.
Practical Steps for Healing From Emotional Trauma
Now that we’ve talked about acceptance, let’s look at some practical steps you can take to start healing from emotional trauma.
Seek Professional Help
There’s no shame in asking for help. A therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma can provide invaluable support and guidance. They can help you process your experiences in a safe environment and teach you coping skills.
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness can help you stay grounded in the present moment, rather than getting caught up in past traumas or future worries. Start with just a few minutes of mindful breathing each day.
Connect with Others
Isolation can make trauma symptoms worse. Reach out to trusted friends or family members. Consider joining a support group where you can connect with others who understand what you’re going through.
Take Care of Your Body
Trauma affects both mind and body. Regular exercise, healthy eating, and good sleep habits can all support your healing process.
- Express Yourself
Find healthy ways to express your feelings. This could be through art, writing, music, or any other creative outlet that feels right for you.
Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a good friend going through a tough time.
Set Boundaries
Learning to set healthy boundaries can help you feel safer and more in control. It’s okay to say no to things that don’t serve your well-being.
Educate Yourself
Learning about trauma and its effects can help you understand your experiences better. Just be sure to balance this with self-care, as reading about trauma can sometimes be triggering.Remember, healing isn’t linear. You might have good days and bad days, and that’s okay. Every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.
The image below sums up these tips. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Healing from emotional trauma is a complex journey that can’t be fully addressed in one article. Depending on the severity, frequency, and impact of the trauma, it might take years of hard work to fully process and heal.
But don’t let that discourage you. Every step you take towards understanding and healing is valuable. You’re not alone in this journey, and there’s always hope for healing and growth.
What are you currently doing to heal from emotional trauma? I’d love to hear about your experiences communicating your past traumatic issues with a coach, counselor, or therapist. Feel free to leave a comment on this post or share your thoughts on X or send me a private message.
And if you’re looking for a way to effectively communicate your experiences and live a happier life, don’t hesitate to seek help and work with me.
Delve deeper: Click here to listen to this episode on trauma from my entrepreneur podcast or press the play button below.
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