Healing from Emotional Abuse: A Journey to Self-Resilience and Recovery
- Updated: June 15, 2024
Just because there are no physical wounds doesn’t mean you were not hurt.
If you’ve ever been in a situation where you were emotionally abused, you know just how difficult it is to break free from it. Often, words can and will put a toll on your mind and soul. That’s why we are going to talk about emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a form of manipulation where the abuser seeks to control the victim’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.
And as a life and business coach, I want to support your healing journey. That’s why we will be discussing the following topics:
- Recognizing the signs of emotional abuse
- How you can maintain a calm and composed attitude around your abuser
- Why you must drop the fantasy that your abuser will love the new and improved version of you
- How to prioritize your self-care
With these ideas in mind, let’s talk about how to recognize emotional abuse.
Two Signs of Emotional Abuse
If you’re unsure whether you’re experiencing emotional abuse, it’s crucial to learn to recognize it and start healing. Personally, it took me years after leaving abusive situations to realize how much my self-worth had taken a hit.
It is unfortunate that many of us may be unaware of the signs of emotional abuse, as we may have grown up in dysfunctional families where this behavior has become the norm. As a result, as an adult, you may find it familiar, if not comfortable, to be around people who have no understanding of how their words impact others.
Emotional abuse can happen in two forms: overt, which is obvious, and covert, which can be more difficult to detect. First, let’s talk about overt emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse is the most subtle to detect, yet it can yield significant emotional and eventually physical pain. Symptoms such as migraines, irritable bowels, and immune system issues may arise from emotional abuse.
Sign #1: Overt Emotional Abuse
The overtly emotional abuser won’t hesitate in making hurtful comments that demean your worth and confidence. They may say hurtful comments like:
- Your opinion is worthless to me right now.
- I can’t believe you would say something so terrible.
- Why can’t you do anything right?
- I never had problems like this until I met you.
- Why would ask you for anything of importance?
During emotional abuse, the abuser has malicious intent to make you feel fearful, sad, and discouraged. Therefore, they may use your past and any other forms of vulnerability to degrade you.
The hidden cost of abuse
Studies have shown that this kind of abuse can seriously hurt your self-esteem and cause lasting emotional pain. For example, imagine someone constantly telling you that you are worthless or that you will never succeed. Over time, you might start to believe it, which can damage your confidence and sense of self-worth.
Additionally, an abuser might use threats to take away your money or other important support. For instance, they might say they will stop paying for your education or housing if you don’t do what they want. This can make you feel unsafe and anxious, leaving you feeling powerless and stressed.
These actions can deeply affect your mental health and well-being, making it hard to feel secure and confident in your daily life.
Next, let’s talk about covert emotional abuse. In my opinion, covert abuse is more insulting and insidious as it gaslights the victim into believing incorrect things, which causes them to question their own perception of reality.
Sign #2: Covert or Passive-Aggressive Emotional Abuse
It is important to understand that passive-aggressive behavior isn’t just limited to overtly threatening or insulting words.
People who are passive-aggressive may seem pleasant or amicable, but underneath that façade, they may be struggling with intense feelings of anger, resentment, and hostility that often simmer beneath the surface.
Therefore, it is essential to be mindful of their behavior and understand that just because they are not overtly threatening, it doesn’t mean that their actions are healthy or normal. Below are are common signs of passive aggressive behavior.
Signs of passive aggressive behavior
- Sarcasm (Saying the opposite of what you really want to say, especially in order to insult someone, or to show irritation, or just to be funny. I call this “barbed humor”)
- It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
- “If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.”
- Backhanded compliments (a remark which seems to be an insult but could also be understood as a compliment)
- Your haircut makes your nose look smaller.
- It’s really difficult to underestimate you.
- Communicates with vague or unclear language
- Oh yes! Come by sometime next week
- Talking about dogs makes me feel sad
- Finds ways to avoid commitments
- Cancels or no-shows on appointments
- Fails to deliver on their promises
- Abruptly leaves conversations
- Uses condemning language
- (Insert group) can’t possibly understand (Insert group)
- (Insert group) always complain
What is interesting about the list above is that a passive-aggressive or covert emotional abuser may not even be aware of this behavior! They may have grown up around this type of abuse and thought it was normal communication. While backhanded and sarcastic comments may seem normal to the abuser, it can take its toll on your self-esteem and sense of identity.
How to Deal with An Emotionally Abusive Person (4 Tips)
When you are around someone who takes pride in making you feel bad, it is natural to want to avoid them, fight back (verbally or physically), or retreat emotionally. However, while those instincts are natural, they are not healthy.
If you have to interact with someone who is prone to emotionally abusive behavior, recognize that their words are not the truth. Emotionally abusive people are only replicating the same dysfunctional dynamics that they had with their role models (e.g. family, teachers, church). This is all part of their pain-filled life script.
When dealing with anyone who is emotionally disabled, the best tactic is to not add fuel to the fire, meaning that you do not need to engage in vitriolic conversations. However, if there is an issue of safety (financial, physical) or security for yourself or others, you need to respond.
If you are engaged with someone who poses a risk through their words, you have no choice but to respond. Below are some words to say when you must confront an emotional abuser.
Tip #1: Speak Calmly & Mirror Back Their Words
Most of the time, a person who is upset doesn’t even realize what they are saying or how it affects others. Your job isn’t to fix them but to reflect back what they are saying. Here is a sample script you can use with them:
“What you are saying is serious, and we need to discuss it.”
Use their exact words, “I can tell you are upset. Am I correct?”
(Pause and listen to their response.)
“I understand your feelings and what you said. However, using those words is unhelpful because of the legal, financial, or moral consequences if you follow through with your threat. Are you prepared for the consequences?“
Use this when you have no other choice but to confront an emotional abuser. Otherwise, don’t take the bait! In the next section, we will talk about how engaging with an abuser when you are extremely angry helps nobody, especially you.
People want attention in all forms, and for some people, any attention, even negative attention, is worth it.
Tip #2: Understand What Motivates Your Abuser
One of the most important things to keep in mind as you start learning about emotional abuse is not to get baited into prolonged, uncontrolled anger.
It’s easy to get swept up in the moment and lash out at your abuser, but doing so can often make the situation worse.
Abusers, for better or worse, are emotionally disabled people who use maladaptive coping strategies to feel validated through controlling and manipulating others. They get their power from people with weak minds who are fixated in unproductive anger.
Once your abuser knows that you feel pain from their behavior, they will keep pushing your buttons because it reminds them of their power over you.
To an abuser, some attention is better than none at all
I think about an old passive-aggressive boss I had when I worked for the government. He relished being overly critical of people, especially those he disliked, including me.
I’ll never forget the moment when I had a joint meeting with him and another manager, and I said in anger and rage, “But he did it! He was wrong!”
At that moment, I saw my old boss flash a smile. My boss was empowered to continue to mistreat me because he knew it hurt me emotionally.
People want attention in all forms, and for some people, any attention, even negative attention, is worth it.
As you read this message, you might be thinking, “Denise, you don’t know him or her. They can change with help.” Maybe they can. In the next section, we will discuss why, for the sake of your sanity, you need to let go of the fantasy that your behavior will improve your emotional abuser.
Tip #3: Accept Them For Who They Are Right Now
Another important thing to remember is that your abuser (often a friend or loved one) might not accept the new and healthier version of yourself. This can be hard to accept, but it’s crucial for your recovery.
People close to you who have been emotionally abusive may feel uneasy with the confident person you’ve become. They’re used to the old you — fearful, anxious, and easily controlled. Now that you’re more assertive and positive, they might try to pull you back into your old habits. They could bring up your past mistakes or complain about how life has treated you unfairly. They do this because they prefer the old you.
Don’t let them manipulate you into going back. You deserve better. Stay strong and reach out for support if you need it.
Speaking of support, the best and most important support you will need as you exit from the damaging influence of an abuser is self-care. The next section will discuss some basic ways you can prioritize your self-care.
Tip #4: Prioritize Your Self-Care
Children who have experienced trauma often try very hard to fulfill other people’s needs. They do this because they didn’t get enough care themselves when they were growing up. As adults, they might end up being used by others, especially in relationships.
If this sounds like you, remember that your energy shouldn’t only go towards helping others. It’s important to prioritize yourself and work on your own development.Self-care is not just about taking bubble baths and going to the spa. It is about:
- knowing when to rest,
- being clear about your boundaries,
- creating an environment that restores, not depletes your energy,
- and engaging in activities that encourage, motivate, and inspire you.
This article explores practical ways you can take care of your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. The image below summarizes my tips, next I will share my final thoughts.
Final thoughts
Healing from emotional abuse can be an incredibly challenging and harrowing experience. The road to recovery can take years, and even just a single month of disparaging and demeaning comments can leave deep and lasting scars on a person’s psyche.
It’s important to remember that regardless of the form your abuse may have taken or how deeply it impacted you, seeking out resources and support is a crucial first step toward healing. Taking the time to focus on yourself and your own needs can help you to accelerate the healing process and find a sense of inner peace.
Reach out for help if you need it
If you’re struggling to cope with the aftermath of emotional abuse, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I’m here to listen, offer guidance, and provide the support you need to move forward.
Additionally, you may find it helpful to check out this episode from my podcast, where I discuss some of the common challenges faced by survivors of emotional abuse and offer some valuable insights and advice. Simply click the link to tune in, or press the play button below and let’s start exploring the path to healing together.
Written by Denise G. Lee
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MENTAL HEALTH ADVICE
The information in this article is for informational purposes only. No material in this article or website is to be a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new health care regimen, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you read from me or anyone else online.
Also, this article is not designed to diagnose or treat you or anyone with a suspected mental health illness. Please, if you need help, seek appropriate help from a lawyer, health care provider or law enforcement officer.
