Healthy Coping Mechanisms for Trauma Survivors in Recovery
Hey there! I’m Denise G Lee, an entrepreneur coach who focuses on helping people recover from trauma and addiction. Today, I want to discuss something crucial: coping with trauma. This is particularly for those of you who have experienced frightening, stressful, and unusual events in life.
In this article, we’ll explore why trauma survivors often use daydreaming and disconnecting from reality to cope. We’ll also look at how these behaviors are linked to trauma, addiction or other self-destructive behavior. Plus, we’ll discuss better ways to manage and recover. First, let’s contrast healthy from unhealthy fantasies.
Understanding Healthy and Unhealthy Fantasies
It’s natural to daydream—it can give you ideas, make you feel inspired, and push you to aim higher. But there’s a difference between healthy and unhealthy daydreams, especially for those who’ve faced trauma. Let’s break down what that means and how it can affect your life.
Healthy Fantasy: Finding Inspiration and Drive
Healthy fantasizing involves imagining positive things that motivate you to achieve your goals. For instance, you might picture yourself succeeding in business, leading a team, or making a positive impact in your community.
Example: Imagine a business owner who dreams of growing their company worldwide. They see themselves making big deals, building a great team, and becoming a respected leader in their field. These dreams can inspire them and help them set achievable goals.
Healthy fantasies are based on reality and can help you stay focused and confident. They inspire action and resilience, helping you bounce back from setbacks in business and in life. Next, let’s talk about how we can take our fantasies into a bizarre and unhealthy direction.
Lots of people who have survived scary, stressful, and weird things have a habit of fantasizing.
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) July 10, 2024
Now, don't get me wrong - fantasizing is good. It helps you create new goals, inspires you, and motivates you to the next level.
But I'm not talking about fantasizing to be better.…
Unhealthy Fantasy: Avoidance and Control
When your mind starts wandering into scenarios that seem more suited to a movie set, you know those thoughts aren’t just unrealistic—they can be harmful for you and those around you. Daydreams often arise from a desire to escape from difficult emotions or situations.
Fantasizing is something many people do when they’ve been through tough times. It helps them ease the tension and allow themselves to “check out” from their present reality.
Let’s discuss how excessive fantasies can harm you at work and in your personal life.
Ruling the Work Kingdom
Imagine a business owner who has faced family issues or personal trauma. They might fantasize about having unlimited power to control every aspect of their business and personal life. This fantasy creates a false sense of control and can prevent them from confronting real challenges. And worse, it can feel hellish to work around them.
How often do we hear stories of executives running their businesses like modern-day fiefdoms? Take, for instance, the chaos at Uber. Travis Kalanick, the former CEO, was notorious for his tyrannical leadership style. Reports revealed that his aggressive and controlling behavior contributed to a toxic workplace culture at Uber.
When your mind convinces you that you’re above it all, it can create havoc not just for you—because there are constant messes to clean up—but for everyone around you who ends up walking on eggshells. Such an environment can’t be emotionally healthy for you or anyone else. Now, let’s talk about how these fantasies can impact your personal life.
Unhealthy Fantasizing Using Romance Novels
I recently read an article from the Wall Street Journal titled “How Dragons, Magic, and Steamy Sex Took Over the Book World,” which talks about the rising popularity of romantasy novels that blend fantasy, romance, and explicit sexual content. These books attract a wide audience and sell well, but they also have potential drawbacks for readers, especially those who read them excessively or without thinking critically.
In my work, I’ve met many women who are addicted to reading romance novels. They often see them as harmless because they only contain words and no pictures. However, they can be just as damaging as explicit pornography. Let me explain why:
- Creates Unrealistic Expectations: Romantasy novels often show intense, controlling relationships where men are portrayed as protective and dominant. This can make readers expect similar passion and control in real relationships, which may not be healthy or sustainable.
- Rewards Escapism: Reading too many romantasy novels can lead to avoiding real-life problems or emotions. People might use these fantasies to ignore personal challenges or avoid forming real connections with others.
- Gateway to Real Porn. When you read, your mind imagines what’s described. If you read this type of material a lot, you might start wanting to experience these unrealistic situations in real life. Spiricoco Twitter explains this well in the post below.
Please stop reading romance novels. It's mostly porn in texts. It's even more powerful because your mind will be the production studio.
— Spiricoco Twittter (@SpiricocoNg) August 10, 2023
Your body will want more and addiction to porn may start. Don't put yourself in bondage please.
Stop. It.
Understanding Fantasizing as a Coping Mechanism
We just talked about how fantasizing can hurt us at work and at home, but why would someone resort to this coping mechanism? Here are three reasons why someone would use fantasy or substances to escape from reality:
Reason #1: To Feel in Control
Trauma can make everyday life feel too difficult to manage. This can cause people to mentally escape or disconnect. They might daydream or turn to substances. Both ways create a barrier between them and their painful reality.
A study in the Journal of Traumatic Stress revealed that trauma survivors often use escapist fantasies to avoid confronting their trauma.
In these fantasies, people can imagine situations where they are in control. This contrasts with feeling powerless in challenging family situations.
For example, imagine a child growing up in a chaotic home where they feel unsafe. To cope, they might daydream about being a superhero who can protect everyone. This fantasy gives them a feeling of control and safety that they lack in real life.
When you're trying to escape pain, you might resort to compulsive behaviors to avoid facing what's going on inside. For instance, someone who has been through trauma might spend hours playing video games or binge-watching TV shows to distract themselves from their thoughts and feelings.
Reason #2: To Feel Calm Inside
Family trauma often makes it hard to handle feelings from childhood through adulthood. People might go through bad situations during childhood like neglect, abandonment, or violence (including emotional abuse). It’s tough to deal with reality when you’re always feeling scared. So when people can’t face life’s challenges directly, they might use addiction or daydreaming to handle strong and overwhelming feelings.
Research in Addiction Research & Theory reveals that difficulty managing emotions often leads child trauma survivors to substance abuse as adults. Even if they avoid drugs, some may turn to self-harm, working obsessively, or other actions to feel better. It might sound strange, but it’s their way of releasing hormones like endorphins to ease emotional pain.
Reason #3: To Numb the Pain
Trauma can make reality feel unbearable, leading to feelings of dissociation or disconnection. This disconnection often shows up as daydreaming or using substances, which creates a barrier between the person and their painful reality. Trauma-related dissociation, as noted in the Journal of Traumatic Stress, is linked to increased substance abuse as a way to avoid painful memories.
But here’s the kicker! When you’re trying to escape pain, you might resort to compulsive behaviors to avoid facing what’s going on inside. For instance, someone who has been through trauma might spend hours playing video games or binge-watching TV shows to distract themselves from their thoughts and feelings.
Now that you understand why unhealthy coping mechanisms like fantasizing, substance use, or even relying too much on others (like in codependency) don’t help, let’s move on to discussing healthy ways to cope.
Healthy Coping Mechanisms in Recovery
Trying to overcome an addiction, past hurt, or challenging past alone is like trying to navigate a stormy sea without a compass. The journey is unpredictable and overwhelming, and without guidance or support, it’s easy to feel lost and helpless. Seeking help from others provides the necessary direction, support, and strength to find your way to calmer waters and a brighter future.
Here are some tips to help you heal and get the clarity that you deserve.
1) Talk with a Therapist, Counselor or Trauma-Informed Coach
Addressing past trauma through therapy can help you understand why you struggle with addiction and feeling disconnected. Talking with a trauma-informed coach or counselor can give you better ways to handle emotional pain. You might also explore other methods like EMDR, psychodrama, or animal therapy. There are many options to try—give each one at least 20 sessions to see if it helps.
Another important thing: Stay positive. If you’re not open to changing your thoughts, nothing and no one can really help. It’s like throwing your money away or spending it on things that don’t matter to you.
2) Make and Keep Supportive Friendships
Building and maintaining good relationships can give you the support and connection to recover from past trauma and resist unhealthy coping mechanisms.
However, not all friends may be ready, skilled, or interested in healing. When I started my recovery, my friends were in 12-step groups, which was very helpful. They were going through similar experiences, which made it easier to learn how to relate better to ourselves and others. Also, they can teach you skills to help you become more resilient and confident in yourself.
3) Stay Aware and Mindful
Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judging them—that’s self-awareness. It helps you notice when you start daydreaming too much and lets you bring your focus back to what’s happening now.
Mindfulness means doing exercises like meditation or breathing to boost self-awareness and keep you grounded in reality. When you practice mindfulness regularly, you can feel calmer inside and not feel the need to escape into fantasy worlds.
Example: Try simple mindfulness exercises every day, like taking a few minutes to focus on your breathing or notice what’s around you without getting distracted. This can reduce the urge to daydream as you become more in tune with how you’re feeling inside.
The image below summarizes my thoughts. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with trauma is tough, but healing is possible. Understanding why we daydream and disconnect from reality can lead us to better ways of coping. By facing our emotional pain, forming positive relationships, and getting therapy, we can move towards a happier life.
If you’re struggling with trauma or addiction, I’m here to support you. As a coach specializing in trauma and addiction recovery, I can help you develop healthier ways to cope and build a life that feels fulfilling. Don’t hesitate to contact me.
For more on handling trauma and hearing uplifting recovery stories, check out my entrepreneur podcast. Together, we can face challenges and take back control of our lives.
