You’re Not A Burden: Why High-Performing Women Deserve Help
Dear love, you are her for a reason.
You’re the one they all call when it hits the fan.
You’re the fire escape, the emergency plan, the Plan B, C, and D.
You’re the mentor, the fixer, the Big Momma — on the payroll and off it.
And yet here you are — reading another blog, listening to another podcast, hoping it’ll plug a leak you don’t even want to admit is gushing.
Let’s say it plain:
You are not a failure for wanting help that goes deeper than “Wash Your Face” and a vision board.
You’ve read the books.
You’ve listened to Super Soul.
You’ve “Ate, Prayed, and Loved” on everybody but you.
And if you’re honest?
All it did was sharpen the ache that something’s still off.
You don’t trust most people. You barely trust yourself.
Your therapist checks a box but doesn’t check your spirit.
Your “accountability circle” just mirrors your same performance anxiety back at you.
And the worst part?
You tell yourself: Who am I to need more when I’ve got the degrees, the credentials, the letters that prove I’m smart enough to fix it myself?
But listen — you’re not broken because you need help.
You’re broken when you pretend you don’t.
So let’s talk about it.
How you got here.
Why the Big Momma crown feels so holy and so heavy.
Why it’s killing you — and how you get the help you actually deserve.
Not performative help.
Not Bali “spiritual glow-up” help.
Real help. For once. For you.
What We’re About to Break Down
How You Got Here
You didn’t come out the womb carrying everyone’s mess.
You were trained for this. Rewarded for it. Applauded for it.
You learned to produce, perfect, and perform — but never to feel.
Feelings were distractions.
Feelings made you soft, messy, unreliable.
So you learned early: outwork your doubt, outperform their expectations, and never let ‘em see you sweat.
School confirmed it.
Straight A’s meant safety.
Being the girl they could count on made you untouchable — or so you thought.
Then came the degrees. The letters. The promotions.
The praise you never let yourself enjoy because the next milestone was always waiting.
And when you walked into boardrooms and clinics and stages that were never built for you?
You doubled down — out-prepared, out-delivered, out-sacrificed.
And somewhere between the corner office and the minivan, the wedding band and the group chat full of other “strong friends,” it got cemented.
You’re the go-to. The “mama bear.” The safe pair of hands that never drops the ball.
🧩 Gut Check
When’s the last time you asked for help — and didn’t micromanage how it showed up?
When did you last cry with someone instead of about someone?
How much of your “trust no one” policy is actually protecting you — and how much is punishing you?
You didn’t build this alone — you were conditioned for it.
Culture. Academia. Corporate. Marriage. Motherhood. Ministry. All of it reinforced the same message:
“Don’t feel — just fix.”
And now you’re here.
Still fixing. Still tired. Still carrying.
Unpacking the Role of Big Momma (In and Out the Office)
Big Momma didn’t show up overnight.
She’s the version of you that learned: If I hold it all, I control it all.
She makes you feel holy.
Needed. Untouchable.
She’s how you play God in a world that keeps disappointing you.
✅ The Good
The truth is, it works — until it doesn’t.
Being Big Momma buys you:
Control in rooms where you’re outnumbered.
Influence when you don’t have a title.
Respect when your voice alone won’t do.
The secret thrill of knowing nobody can replace you — because they’d fall apart if you left.
You get the seat at the table and you get to say you built the damn table.
Your team trusts you.
Your family depends on you.
Your reputation glows with competence.
You’re the friend who always answers.
You’re the manager who stays late so no one else has to.
But underneath the good?
There’s a cost you keep pretending you don’t see.
⚡️ The Ugly
Because here’s what Big Momma won’t tell you:
- Every problem you hold that isn’t yours steals something from you.
- Every yes you say when you’re dying for a no costs you hours you can’t buy back.
- Every time you step in because “nobody else will” proves you right — but keeps you lonely.
You’re not just carrying your kids.
You’re carrying grown adults who stopped trying because they know you’ll fix it.
You’re carrying co-workers who half-deliver because you’ll pick up the slack.
You’re carrying a partner who loves you and expects you to parent them, too.
📉 The Receipts
Let’s make this real:
42% of women in executive roles report chronic burnout — but less than half ask for meaningful help.
Caretaking women spend an average of 2 extra unpaid hours a day holding everyone else together — and most call it “normal.”
High-achieving women are twice as likely to report trust issues with authority — but stay silent out of fear of appearing “ungrateful.”
🧩 See yourself yet?
You think being Big Momma keeps you safe.
But the truth is — she’s dragging you under.
You’re not leading.
You’re managing dysfunction on your own dime, own time, and own body.
How to Ready Yourself for a Mentor Who Won’t Gaslight You
Here’s what nobody tells you about finding real help when you’re the strong one:
Your biggest threat isn’t the crisis — it’s the wrong guide.
The world is full of:
Cheerleaders who’ll hype your dysfunction because it keeps you paying.
Therapists who nod for an hour but never call you on your patterns.
“Boss Babe” mentors who hand you a script but never touch your soul.
You don’t need more “You got this, girl!”
You need someone who can stand in your rawness without flinching.
✅ What readiness really looks like
It’s not about having the perfect plan.
It’s not about more credentials, more journals, or more vision boards.
It’s about:
Getting brutally honest about what you’re done pretending about.
Admitting you don’t want more “safe spaces” — you want a brave space where your excuses can’t hide.
Choosing to pay for depth — not dopamine.
Accepting that a real mentor won’t coddle your shame spiral. They’ll name it, dismantle it, and walk you through what comes next.
🧩 Gut Check
Are you secretly looking for permission to stay stuck, or for a mirror that breaks your hiding places?
Do you want a pep talk — or a push?
Are you willing to be seen, fully, even when you’re not performing well?
When you’re ready for that?
Your next guide won’t gaslight you.
They won’t perform for your praise.
They won’t fuel your cycle of overthinking and under-living.
They’ll meet you where Big Momma can’t:
Eye-level, truth-level, no pedestal — just real help that holds.
FAQ for the Woman Ready to Fire Her Whack-Ass Therapist and Stop Performing at Healing
You didn’t come this far to waste another year fake “working on yourself” with someone who just nods for $150 an hour and hands you worksheets you never look at twice.
If you’ve ever left a session thinking, “Did we actually do anything or did I just perform my pain for an audience?” — you already know.
So let’s get real about what’s holding you back, what you’re scared to admit, and what to expect when you’re done pretending you’re fine.
❓ What if I look weak to everyone who leans on me?
You will.
Some people will think it. They’ll whisper about how “different” you seem.
But here’s the twist:
You built a life on being needed. Now you’re about to build a life on being whole.
Let them think you’re weak — while you get strong in ways they can’t even spell.
❓ What if I don’t trust myself to know what I need?
Perfect. That means you’re ready.
Because women who think they already know everything don’t change.
The moment you admit “I don’t even know what to ask for…”
— that’s when your real mentor can show up and guide you toward what you actually need, not what you’re rehearsing.
If you need a gut check on how that trust got broken in the first place, read The Silent Wound: Healing Childhood Emotional Neglect.
❓ What makes real healing different?
Real healing isn’t Bali.
It’s not a vision board.
It’s not another $3K group with 400 people and a Slack channel you never open.
It’s raw, unpretty, and practical.
You don’t get a script.
You get questions that crack you open — and support that keeps you from running away the second it stings.
❓ How long will it take?
Long enough to break the pattern.
Short enough to get your time back while you’re alive.
Not five years of trauma bonding.
Not a lifetime of “processing.”
Just the right season with the right person who refuses to watch you drown in your own brilliance.
❓ What if I feel ashamed to need this?
Good. That means you’re still human.
Shame is a leftover survival script that kept you small and “safe.”
Every big leader you respect has had to outgrow it too.
If you’re ready to sober up emotionally — no more shame spins, no more performance — read If You Lead, You Need Emotional Sobriety—Here’s Why.
👉 If your therapist, circle, or fake mentors aren’t calling you into that? Fire them.
It’s your life. Not their invoice.
❓ What if I still feel ashamed for needing this much help?
Then you’re not alone—and you might need to hear this next: You Learned to Handle Everything—Now You Don’t Know How to Stop.
It’ll walk you through the shame spiral that keeps high-functioning women stuck—and what real support actually looks like.
Healing Doesn’t Wait for Permission.
Healing doesn’t wait for permission.
You didn’t build this life by accident.
You’ve carried more than most people could imagine — and you made it look good.
But somewhere deep down, you know:
What got you here can’t take you further.
You’re not asking for too much when you want help that actually helps.
You’re not needy for wanting to put some of this down.
You’re not failing for wanting someone to see all of it — the part that’s tired, tender, messy, and strong all at once.
You don’t need another five-year plan.
Save your money. You don’t need to go to Bali.
And you definitely don’t need a motivational reel and a sticky note mantra on your bathroom mirror.
You need truth.
You deserve a legit strategy.
You are worthy of support that matches the level of leadership you’ve been giving away for free.
And if you still feel unsure—still wondering if it’s selfish or weak to want that kind of help?
Read this next: You Handled Everything
It’s for the woman who’s finally ready to stop performing and start receiving—without apology.
You don’t have to wait another year to get it.
💛 Work with me, Denise G. Lee — Together, we’ll cut through the noise, untangle the real root of your Big Momma patterns, and build you a plan that doesn’t bleed you dry to prove you’re worthy.
👉 Explore coaching here
🎙️ Want to go deeper first?
Listen to my podcast for raw truths about healing, leadership, and quitting the performance loop for good.
👉 The Introverted Entrepreneur Podcast
💌 Got thoughts about this?
I’d love to hear what hit you hardest.
👉 Write me here
You’re not a burden.
You’re a leader learning to stop dragging your soul behind your success.
This is where you get to come home to you — for real this time.
