You’re Not Driven—You’re Drowning: The Hidden Addiction Behind High Standards
- Updated: May 25, 2025
I used to think my perfectionism was a strength. That obsessing over every word, every client, every email meant I cared. That it made me driven. Responsible. Impressive.
But perfectionism didn’t make me better. It made me numb.
Behind the productivity, I was spiraling—using alcohol, sex, and anger to outrun the fear that I’d never be enough unless everything I touched turned out flawless. I didn’t know I was addicted. Not just to substances, but to control. To approval. To performance.
And I see this same pattern now—in founders, coaches, high-functioning leaders who are silently drowning behind their own standards.
In this post, we’re going to talk about the hidden connection between perfectionism and addiction. Not in a clinical, academic way. But in a “this almost took me out” way. I’ll show you what to watch for, how to stop justifying it as ‘drive,’ and what healing actually looks like when you’re still leading a business.
💬 What I Told Myself (and What It Really Meant)
I didn’t start out trying to escape anything. I just wanted to do things right. But looking back, here’s what I told myself—and what was really going on underneath:
“I’m just detail-oriented.”
👉 I’m terrified of being blamed if something goes wrong.“I hold myself to high standards.”
👉 If I outperform everyone, I can outrun shame.“I need to stay productive.”
👉 I don’t know how to rest without feeling worthless.“It’s just easier if I do it myself.”
👉 I don’t trust anyone enough to let go of control.“This isn’t good enough yet.”
👉 If it’s perfect, no one can reject me.
I wore perfectionism like armor. But underneath it, I was raw and exhausted. I wasn’t aiming for excellence—I was chasing safety. And when that didn’t work fast enough, I reached for something stronger.
🔥 When Perfectionism Becomes Your Fix
Here’s the part no one talks about: perfectionism feels good—until it doesn’t.
At first, you get high on it. You nail a launch. Someone compliments your work ethic. You clean your inbox like it’s a holy ritual. Each tiny success gives you a hit of relief: See? I’m not failing. I’m not falling apart. I’m in control.
But then…
You miss the mark.
Someone criticizes your “tone.”
The numbers stall.
Your body says “enough,” but your mind screams “not yet.”
And suddenly the same habits that made you feel powerful become prisons. You can’t stop. You obsess. You redo. You spiral. You numb.
That’s when perfectionism stops being a trait and starts acting like a drug. Because now, you’re not building from clarity—you’re scrambling to avoid collapse.
And if you’ve ever…
Checked your phone 60 times an hour.
Snapped at someone for “doing it wrong.”
Rewritten a proposal after hitting send.
Lost sleep trying to preempt a mistake…
You know exactly what I’m talking about.
This is what happens when perfectionism stops being a drive—and becomes a fix. And it’s not just exhausting. It’s dangerous.
⚠️ What It Costs You (That You Don’t Even Notice at First)
Perfectionism doesn’t announce itself with sirens. It creeps in quietly—through your posture, your sleep, your tone of voice. And by the time it’s affecting your health, your work, or your marriage… you’ve already normalized the dysfunction.
You might not think you’re addicted. But ask yourself if:
Feel guilty when you relax?
Redo other people’s work after telling them it was “fine”?
Keep secrets about how overwhelmed you are?
Panic if a client replies “can we talk”?
These aren’t just personality quirks. They’re symptoms of a system running on cortisol and control.
And it adds up—fast:
🔹 Physically: Tension headaches, insomnia, digestive issues, jaw clenching, hormonal imbalances.
🔹 Emotionally: Constant irritability, shame spirals, anxiety masked as hyper-productivity.
🔹 Relationally: You either withdraw or overfunction. People feel like they’re always disappointing you—or never really knowing you.
🔹 Spiritually: You lose your sense of enoughness. Your worth feels like it’s tied to output.
Perfectionism promises you peace if you just get it right.
But the price is that you’re never allowed to feel peace until everything is perfect—which means you’re never allowed to feel peace at all.
🛠️ Five Ways to Start Breaking the Addiction to Perfectionism
You can’t white-knuckle your way out of this. You’ve already tried that. What you need now is permission, practice, and disruption—not another productivity hack.
Here’s where to begin:
1. Interrupt the Ritual
Perfectionism thrives on routine. Not in the healthy, habit-building way—but in the compulsive kind: checking email before you even pee, rewriting your content three times, fixing what no one asked you to fix.
Try this: Instead of diving straight into your usual pattern, pause for 30 seconds and name what you’re avoiding.
“I’m editing this again because I’m afraid someone will misunderstand me.”
“I’m rechecking this proposal because I need to feel safe.”
That moment of truth interrupts the dopamine loop.
Relevant insight: Compulsive behaviors, such as repetitive checking, can temporarily reduce anxiety but often reinforce long-term distress.
2. Trade ‘Perfect’ for ‘Precise’
“Perfect” is a fantasy. “Precise” is a strategy.
Instead of overhauling an entire plan out of shame, ask: What’s the one small thing I can clarify, communicate, or clean up today? That builds confidence—not just control.
Example: Instead of tweaking your About page for the 11th time, write one honest paragraph that sounds like you today—not the version of you you think sounds smarter.
3. Track the Tells (Not the Tasks)
Your body knows before your mind admits it.
Build a personal list of “perfectionism flare signs.” Think: tight jaw, sighing before sending emails, rereading messages, snapping at your partner when they interrupt your flow.
Try this: Keep a note on your phone labeled “Perfectionism Loop.” Each time you catch yourself in the spiral, log it. Not to shame yourself—but to spot patterns.
Authority support: Recognizing early physiological stress responses is crucial in interrupting compulsive behavior loops.
4. Relearn What Support Feels Like
If you’ve always equated “help” with “judgment,” this will feel unnatural.
Start with non-performance-based support:
A group text where you don’t have to be the wise one.
A trauma-informed coach who doesn’t need you to be inspirational.
A journal entry where you’re allowed to say “I feel like shit” without fixing it.
Try this: When someone asks, “How are you?”—answer truthfully once this week.
5. Set a Boundary That Isn’t Performative
This one’s for the high-functioning addicts who say “I’m setting boundaries” but still secretly hope someone will say, “You’re amazing for doing so much.”
Example: Don’t just turn off notifications. Turn them off and don’t announce it.
Research-backed wisdom: True boundary work isn’t about manipulating how others see us—it’s about aligning with what we can realistically sustain without resentment.
💭 Final Thoughts: This Isn’t About Working Less. It’s About Living More Honestly.
Here’s the truth most high-functioning leaders don’t want to admit:
We don’t just crave success. We crave redemption.
From our past. From our shame. From whatever voice told us we had to earn love by being the best.
But here’s the problem with that model: it never stops asking.
And even when we’re sober, perfectionism will try to wear a new face—ambition, excellence, responsibility.
So if this post cracked something open in you—good. That’s where healing starts.
Let’s not make this just another moment of insight you scroll past.
Let it be a mirror. Let it be your line in the sand.
You don’t have to heal in secret.
You don’t have to perform your recovery.
You just have to tell the truth—and choose something different.
🛠️ Ready to start that process?
💛 Work with me, Denise G. Lee – Together, we’ll untangle the deeper patterns driving your burnout and perfectionism. Real support. Trauma-informed. No formulas.
👉 Explore coaching
🎙️ Want more honest conversations like this?
Listen to my podcast for unfiltered insight on emotional sobriety, leadership, and healing.
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💌 Got thoughts, resistance, or resonance?
I’d love to hear where this landed for you.
👉 Send me a message
And just in case no one reminded you lately:
You’re not weak for needing rest.
You’re wise for refusing to drown in your own drive.
And you’re worthy of a life that doesn’t need polishing to be powerful.
