Why Platonic Love Might Be the Most Underrated Force in Your Life
- Updated: May 19, 2025
There was a time when I didn’t believe any connection could exist without strings.
When you’ve been sexually abused—especially at a young age—your brain gets wired to see relationships through a single lens: power, performance, sex, survival. That kind of trauma doesn’t just impact romantic connection—it distorts all connection. You learn to read everyone’s energy with suspicion. You expect hidden motives. You don’t know how to trust presence without cost.
For years, I didn’t know how to let anyone close unless it was transactional, intense, or secretly charged. Platonic love—genuine, no-agenda, soul-steadying friendship—felt foreign to me. But it turns out, it was exactly what I needed. These relationships became a sacred place to rewire how I related to others… and to myself.
This post isn’t just about friendship. It’s about reclaiming your right to be seen, supported, and safe without needing to be sexualized or emotionally consumed. It’s a gentle walk through the kinds of love we often forget—and the deeper connection waiting for you beyond performance.
Let’s begin where most conversations about love don’t: with the kinds of love that aren’t about romance—but are just as life-changing.
A Walk Through This Conversation
What Platonic Love Really Means (And What It Isn’t)
We’ve been sold a narrow vision of love. One where romance sits on the throne, intensity is confused with connection, and anything non-sexual gets labeled as “just friendship”—like it’s a consolation prize.
But let me tell you something I wish someone had told me years ago:
Platonic love isn’t lesser. It’s just quieter. And often, it’s more enduring.
For a long time—even during my early relationship with my now-husband—I couldn’t imagine a bond without the tension of desire or the weight of emotional performing. I thought love required a spark. A flicker. Intrigue. Some underlying intensity that made it feel “real.” But that wasn’t love. That was trauma, culture, and conditioning working overtime.
When your self-worth has been shaped by survival—by proving, producing, or performing—it’s easy to assume that love has to be earned through output. That connection must be transactional. That value comes from what you offer, not simply who you are.
This is especially true for leaders.
So many high-performing, high-capacity people have no idea what it means to be loved without being needed. They confuse usefulness with intimacy. They don’t know how to receive without striving. And because of that, platonic love feels foreign, awkward, or even threatening.
But here’s the truth:
Platonic love isn’t always same-sex. And it’s not rooted in intensity. It’s rooted in presence. It’s the kind of love that stays when you’re not “on.” It doesn’t ask for performance. It doesn’t need your sparkle. It just sees you and stays.
And once you experience that kind of connection—even once—it ruins you for performative relationships. In the best way possible.
The Many Faces of Love (Not Just Romance)
Most of us were never taught that love comes in different forms. We just got one default script: if it’s not romantic or sexual, it doesn’t count. But that’s not how love works—and definitely not how we heal.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
Philia – This is that deep friendship love. It’s loyal, safe, enduring. The kind of connection that helps you exhale.
Pragma – Long-haul love. The love that shows up over time, in commitment. It can show up in a marriage or in lifelong friendship.
Storge – Family-style love. The stuff that ideally grows between parents and children. Sadly, many of us didn’t get the safe version of this.
Eros – Romantic, passionate love. Desire, intensity, attraction. It has a place, but it’s not the whole story.
Ludus – Flirty, playful love. Think early-stage crush energy—light, fun, and not that deep.
Mania – Obsessive, anxious love. The kind where you can’t breathe if they don’t text back. (Yeah, not healthy.)
Philautia – Self-love. The healthy kind where you don’t need to perform to feel worthy.
Agape – Selfless, sacrificial love. The kind that asks nothing in return. Think: spiritual or soul-level love.
I’m sharing this not to overwhelm you, but to remind you:
Love isn’t always romantic. And the love that heals us the most is often the one that never asks us to perform or prove anything.
That’s what platonic love does.
It honors the connection between two people who simply see each other—and stay.
Platonic love is the highest form of love we can experience. It is a love that transcends physical desires and cherishes the connection of two souls.
Why We Need Platonic Love (More Than We Realize)
There’s a loneliness most high-functioning people carry that no one talks about.
You can be accomplished, admired, even surrounded by people—and still feel completely alone. Why? Because so many of us were never taught how to be with others without performing. We learned that love had to be earned through excellence, usefulness, or intensity. That being wanted meant being needed.
But platonic love changes that script.
It allows you to be fully human—without having to hold the room, fix the crisis, or sparkle your way into belonging.
I didn’t always know that.
There were seasons of my life when I believed that if someone wasn’t romantically attracted to me, they wouldn’t stay. I thought connection without chemistry was flat. I confused adrenaline for intimacy. And it wasn’t until I experienced soul-safe, platonic love—without strings—that I began to realize: this is the love I needed all along.
Platonic love isn’t about being the emotional sidekick or the backup plan.
It’s about being witnessed, cared for, and known—without having to seduce, sell, or prove anything.
And when you’ve been shaped by trauma, by leadership roles, or by systems that reward productivity over presence, this kind of love can feel uncomfortable at first. Almost suspicious.
But that’s exactly why you need it.
Platonic love isn’t a runner-up to romance.
It’s a restoration of wholeness—reminding you that who you are is enough, even when you’re not “on.”
The Hidden Barriers to Building Platonic Friendship
Platonic love sounds beautiful in theory. But for many of us, it doesn’t come naturally.
You might admire the idea of friendship without strings… but feel awkward, guarded, or even suspicious when someone offers it to you. That’s not your fault. That’s old wiring.
Let’s name a few reasons why this kind of love can feel hard to access:
1. Gendered Wounds
If you were raised by a critical or emotionally absent same-sex parent, it might feel unsafe to befriend people of your own gender. You might associate same-gender connection with competition, judgment, or rejection. Many women I’ve worked with quietly admit they don’t trust other women. Many men confess they feel like they have to “perform” masculinity around other men. These aren’t personal failures. They’re survival adaptations.
2. Sexual Trauma
When your early experiences taught you that love = control, touch = obligation, or attention = danger, it’s hard to believe that someone might want to be close without wanting something from you. You might assume every connection must lead to sex, caretaking, or performance. That distortion doesn’t just affect romantic relationships—it leaks into all of them.
3. Productivity Culture
Let’s be real: most leaders, caregivers, and high-capacity people were rewarded early on for what they could do—not who they were. That creates a subtle fear: If I’m not useful, why would anyone stay? In that mindset, platonic love feels… unnecessary. Or worse, inefficient.
4. Misread Signals
Many people don’t know how to give or receive platonic affection. A kind word feels like flirting. A shared moment feels like obligation. Our culture doesn’t teach emotional clarity—it teaches us to protect, pursue, or prove. So we miss the people trying to love us cleanly.
How to Build and Keep Platonic Love
Let’s be honest: if you didn’t grow up seeing healthy, non-performative connection modeled, this might feel awkward at first. But just because something feels unfamiliar doesn’t mean it’s unsafe.
Platonic love grows in presence—not pressure. And the good news? You don’t need to master it. You just need to be willing.
Here are some grounded ways to start:
1. Name Your Intentions Early
You don’t have to over-explain yourself. But clarity builds safety. If you’re building a new connection, be open about what you’re looking for—especially if it’s not romantic. You’re allowed to want deep friendship without confusing it for something else.
2. Choose Environments That Support What You Value
Don’t try to form deep friendships in spaces that reward status or performance. Be mindful of where you’re planting seeds. Trust and depth grow in environments that don’t require masks.
3. Listen Without Fixing
Platonic love isn’t about being a therapist or a savior. Practice listening without jumping in to problem-solve. Be present. Be real. If someone shares something tender, honor it with quiet—not strategy.
4. Respect Space (Even When You Crave Connection)
Loneliness can trick us into overreaching. Especially if you’re healing from abandonment or touch starvation. But healthy friendships breathe. They don’t cling. Give space. Ask questions. Respect rhythms.
5. Celebrate Without Competing
Insecure relationships secretly keep score. Secure friendships celebrate. If someone you love is winning—say so. Be loud about their growth. Let joy be mutual, not transactional.
6. Drop the Mask
You don’t need to be impressive. In fact, the more you perform, the less connection you’ll feel. Practice showing up as yourself—not your résumé. That’s where trust starts.
7. Watch How They Treat Themselves (and Others)
You can’t force a safe friendship with someone who isn’t safe with themselves. Pay attention. People reveal their self-worth in how they talk about others. Platonic love requires shared emotional responsibility—not just vibe.
8. Stay Curious
Ask deeper questions—not to fix, but to know. Don’t assume everyone sees love the way you do. Curiosity builds bridges. That’s where friendship lives.
Honest Answers About Platonic Love
Can platonic love exist between men and women?
Yes, and it’s often the very bond that helps rewire old trauma scripts. Healthy cross-gender friendships create space for emotional safety without performance.
Why does platonic love feel awkward or unsafe for me?
Because survival taught you to equate love with performance, intensity, or utility.
How do I know if someone is safe for platonic connection?
Watch how they treat themselves. Look for consistency, boundaries, and curiosity—not neediness, sexual undertones, or intensity.
👉 You could link to your post on emotional boundaries: How to Set Emotional Boundaries
Can platonic friendships replace romantic connection?
Not replace—but they often reveal that what you thought you needed in romance was actually a hunger for emotional safety.
Final Thoughts: Love That Doesn’t Flinch
Platonic love changed me.
Not in a dramatic, fireworks way. But in a steady, anchoring way.
It taught me how to stay present with people who didn’t need anything from me.
It helped me reconnect with the part of myself that doesn’t need to impress, seduce, or prove.
It reminded me that love—real love—isn’t always loud. But it is consistent.
If you’ve been wired for performance, or shaped by trauma, or simply tired of transactional relationships, I want you to know: you’re not broken for craving something deeper.
You deserve friendships that don’t flinch when you stop performing.
Connections that don’t confuse your presence with obligation.
Love that doesn’t turn away when things get quiet or unpolished.
Platonic love isn’t lesser.
It’s legacy-level.
And if you’ve never experienced it yet… it’s not too late to begin.
If you’re ready to stop performing and start healing—for real—I’d be honored to support you.
💛 Work with me, Denise G. Lee – Together, we’ll untangle the deeper patterns holding you back and create clear, practical strategies that match you. No hype. No formulas. Just honest, personalized support.
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And just in case no one’s reminded you lately:
Leadership isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about being present. Being willing.
Showing up with your scars, not just your strengths.
That’s what makes it powerful.
That’s what makes it real.
