Protecting Your Mental Well-Being: Dealing with Emotional Abuse
Have you ever spent time with someone and felt worse afterward? It’s not just in your head. You might be dealing with emotional abuse.
Emotional abuse means someone is hurting you mentally and emotionally, which can seriously affect your well-being. It’s important to spot the signs of emotional abuse so you can get the help you need.
As a coach for entrepreneurs, I want to give you the tools to protect your mental health. In this article, we’ll explore the signs that you might be in an abusive situation, how to recognize the effects of emotional abuse, and ways to handle people who are emotionally abusive.
Let’s start by looking at signs that show how you might be feeling the effects of someone’s constant negative remarks.
Identifying the Effects of Emotional Abuse
Poor sleep quality
Have you ever woken up with headaches and jaw pain? It may be your pillow or bed, or it may be due to the exhausting effort of carrying an intense emotional load all day. During the night, you might be unconsciously tossing and turning as your body spirals into a full sympathetic response while your mind processes all the events of the day.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading expert on trauma, explains in his book “The Body Keeps the Score” that “The body keeps the score: If the memory of trauma is encoded in the viscera, in heartbreaking and gut-wrenching emotions, in autoimmune disorders and skeletal/muscular problems, and if mind/brain/visceral communication is the royal road to emotion regulation, this demands a radical shift in our therapeutic assumptions.”
Anxiety or Paranoia
People who are emotionally abused have good reasons to feel nervous, anxious, and scared. Their bodies have gotten used to constant stress. Because of this, it’s common for them to think that things will always be bad or never get better. They might find it hard to see themselves or others in a positive light because they are used to feeling bitter and hopeless.
A study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that emotional abuse was significantly associated with anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, even after controlling for the effects of physical abuse.
Increased Loneliness
As humans, we need community. We need connections with healthy people. The key word here is healthy.
But what if the people are unhealthy? I’m talking specifically about dysfunctional family members. It’s hard to stay connected to someone who makes you feel inferior, useless, unworthy, or uninspiring. Yet, you might feel tied to them just because they are “family.”
Unless you have a high sense of worth, an emotionally toxic person can make you feel so bad about yourself, you’d rather isolate yourself because you feel everyone else will make you feel miserable.
Dr. John Cacioppo, a leading expert on loneliness, states in his book “Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection” that “Loneliness is like an iceberg, it goes deeper than we can see.” This is especially true for victims of emotional abuse, who may feel isolated even when surrounded by people.
Physical Symptoms
When you are around a verbally abusive person, just the sight or sound of them makes you feel uncomfortable. You may feel a knot in your stomach, have sweaty palms, a racing heart, or a loss of appetite. Your body is in a full sympathetic nervous system response as it prepares for “battle” with an emotionally disabled person.
Research from the American Psychological Association shows that chronic stress from emotional abuse can lead to a variety of physical health problems, including cardiovascular issues, weakened immune system, and chronic pain.
Next, let’s talk about the behavior or signs of an emotional abuser.
Too many of us realize that we were traumatized long after our abuser died or departed from our life.
— Denise Lee (@DeniseGLee) August 1, 2023
Our abuser gaslighted us so hard, we even thought the abuse was, "for our own good."
Behavior of an Emotional Abuser
I’ve been in this business for many years, and I can usually tell within the first ten to fifteen minutes whether I’m dealing with someone having a bad day or an emotionally abusive person. If you’re unsure, don’t worry. Here’s a list of their traits:
- Humiliation and Belittling
- Constant Criticism
- Manipulative and Controlling
- Creates Emotional Distance
- Intimidates and Threatens
- Blames and Guilt-Trips
- Emotionally Unstable
- Isolates and Monitors
- Gaslights
In this section, I’ll explain each of these signs in more detail
Humiliation and Belittling
Constant Criticism
This is the way it is supposed to be done. Weren’t you paying attention?
If you are a victim of emotional abuse, you might hear a lot of negative comments, small criticisms, and unfair demands from the abuser. This constant negativity can make you feel like you’re not good enough and that you can never meet the abuser’s high expectations. This can wear you down and make you feel like you are always falling short.
Manipulative and Controlling
Unless you call this relative more often, I will have to tell them you don’t care about them. That would be terrible to say, but I to help them understand your limitations.
The abuser uses manipulation tactics to control the victim’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. This can include gaslighting (making the victim doubt their perception of reality), controlling their finances, isolating them from friends and family, or monitoring their activities.
Dr. George Simon, a clinical psychologist specializing in manipulation tactics, explains in his book “In Sheep’s Clothing” that “Manipulators use a variety of subtle tactics to get you to do their bidding without you realizing you’re being used.”
Creates Emotional Distance
I can’t spend time with you now. You irritate me. And don’t bother asking me why I am upset – you should already know.
In these moments, the abuser might use the silent treatment, withdraw affection, or ignore the victim’s needs to punish them. This makes the victim feel alone and unwanted. The lack of emotional support and the cold treatment create a feeling of isolation.
Intimidates and Threatens
I am so mad! I will do something you will hate unless you don’t get out from my face right now!
Abusers use threats, angry outbursts, or even show off aggression to make the victim scared and to keep control over them. This can include yelling, breaking things, or threatening physical harm. The goal is to create fear and make the victim feel powerless.
Blames and Guilt-Trips
This is all your fault. A real husband can be able to sense when his wife needs quality time with her.
The abuser often puts the blame on the victim for their own bad behavior. They make the victim feel like everything that goes wrong is their fault. This makes the victim feel responsible and guilty for the problems in the relationship, even though it’s the abuser who is causing the harm.
*just thinking out loud*
— Denise Lee (@DeniseGLee) August 8, 2023
So many of us who grew up in painful homes are comfortable with making excuses for toxic and inappropriate behavior of others because we are afraid of being alone.
And the rare times when we say NO, our abuser says they feel hurt and *offended*.
Emotionally Unstable
*Feeling pleasant with you earlier in the day but by night their tone changes.* You dumb cunt! Why can’t you do anything right?
These extreme mood swings can make things very confusing and stressful. One minute, the abuser is loving and kind, and the next, they are angry and hostile. This creates a chaotic and unpredictable environment for the victim, making it hard for them to feel safe and stable.
Isolates and Monitors
Gaslights
You are really blowing this way out of proportion. I always help out with the kids.
The abuser manipulates the victim’s perception of reality, making them doubt their memory, perception, and sanity. They may deny or minimize their abusive behavior and make the victim question their own experiences.
Dr. Robin Stern, author of “The Gaslight Effect,” explains that “Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another person’s reality.” This can be particularly damaging as it undermines the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions and judgments.
The image below is a summary of signs of emotional abuse.
Dealing with people who treat you poorly can make you feel that it’s the only thing you deserve. Not so! In the next section, I will share how you can handle an emotionally abusive person.
Dealing with An Emotional Abusive Person
When someone knows you well, they might use that knowledge to hurt you, make you angry, or make you feel insecure. People with certain personality problems, like narcissism or sociopathic traits, can be especially good at making things worse.
The good news is that these situations can help us understand our fears and irrational thoughts better.
For example, if you feel upset about something involving your child and ask your friend Mandy for advice, she might give you a critical opinion instead of a helpful solution. This is meant to make you feel bad about yourself.
Instead of reacting in a negative way, try to focus on finding a solution. You could say, “That’s a good point. I’m looking for solutions. Do you have any helpful advice?” This shows that you’re not stuck on past mistakes and helps to reduce feelings of shame or self-pity.
Here are some more tips to help you deal with someone who is emotionally abusive.
Strategies for Dealing with Emotional Abuse
No longer do we have to avoid, deny or become passive aggressive. We have better tools to use. Here are some ways to deal with emotional abuse.
I hope these tips helped. The image below sums up my advice. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
- Set clear boundaries: Tell the abuser what behaviors you won’t accept and stick to those limits.
- Practice self-care: Take care of your body and mind. Do things that make you happy and calm.
- Build a support network: Talk to trusted friends, family, or support groups. They can give you strength and advice.
- Document the abuse: Write down what happened, including dates and details. This can help if you need legal help or therapy.
- Seek professional help: Talk to a therapist or counselor who knows about emotional abuse. They can help you cope and understand your feelings.
- Plan for safety: If you feel threatened, have a safety plan. This might include a safe place to go, important documents, and emergency contacts.
- Practice assertiveness: Learn to express your thoughts and feelings clearly and calmly without being aggressive or passive.
- Focus on self-empowerment: Do things that make you feel good about yourself, like learning new skills, hobbies, or achieving goals. Also, read books, attend classes or learn from pros like me about how to heal from emotional abuse.
- Consider your options: Think about whether staying in the relationship is healthy for you. Sometimes, leaving might be the best choice.
- Use “I” statements: When talking to the abuser, use “I” statements to show how their actions affect you. For example, “I feel hurt when you criticize me in front of others.”
Healing from emotional abuse takes time. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress. The image sums up my tips. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
To learn more, click here to listen to this episode from my entrepreneur podcast or press the play button below.
Written by Denise G. Lee
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MENTAL HEALTH ADVICE
The information in this article is for informational purposes only. No material in this article or website is to be a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new health care regimen, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you read from me or anyone else online.
Also, this article is not designed to diagnose or treat you or anyone with a suspected mental health illness. Please, if you need help, seek appropriate help from a lawyer, health care provider or law enforcement officer.
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