Romantic Codependency: What It Is and How It Hurts You
Hey! My name is Denise G Lee, and I am an entrepreneur coach. I help people, especially women, manage their personal and work lives better. One common issue I see is how some people have an unhealthy love life. Many people don’t even realize it is a problem before issues from home spill into their business.
In this article, we’ll discuss what codependency is, how it begins, and its impact on romantic relationships. Understanding these ideas can help you avoid painful patterns that lead to sadness and disappointment. We will end by talking about steps to help you gain the healing you need, regardless if you want to stay or leave your lover.
What is Romantic Codependency?
Romantic codependency is when someone relies too much on their partner for approval and their sense of identity. This often starts because of childhood filled with pain or some of type of abuse. If we don’t get enough love and attention as kids, we might confuse attention with love, leading to unhealthy habits in our romantic relationships later on.
For example, imagine someone who constantly seeks their partner’s approval and feels lost without it. They might stay in a bad relationship just to avoid being alone or feeling unloved.
This can be hard to understand because we live in a culture that often praises using others for comfort and validation. One specific area where codependency is often praised is music.
How Music Promotes Unhealthy Bonds
🎶I am incomplete unless you are near me.
🎶The only time I breathe is when I see your face.
🎶When you walk away or threaten to leave, a little piece of me dies.
When I was a younger woman, I found myself singing many songs that echoed these ideas. They expressed feelings of desperation, self-pity, and obsession over someone. I challenge you to turn on your radio and listen to any popular songs. You pick your station—pop, rock, rap. You’ll find yourself listening to love songs about longing, sadness, and chaos.
And the obsession over someone always begins in childhood, long before you meet your “beloved.” I appreciate how Robin Norwood explains in her book “Women Who Love Too Much” how childhood trauma affects our relationships today.
The more difficult it is to leave a harmful relationship, the more it reflects the struggles you faced in childhood. When you love intensely, you’re often trying to overcome old fears, anger, frustration, and pain from your past. Stopping feels like giving up on a chance to finally achieve what you’ve always wanted and to fix the injustices you’ve suffered.
But unless you change how you connect with others, you’re guaranteeing that your adult years will be as painful as your childhood—and adulthood lasts longer.
When we feel pain at the thought of losing someone, our brains are actually re-triggering hormones that make us mistake intensity for intimacy and connection. In the next section, let’s talk about the science behind codependency.
The Science Behind Codependency
Neuroscience helps us understand romantic codependency too. The brain’s reward system, which involves chemicals like dopamine, can get used to seeking out unhealthy relationships. Despite the danger signs, we leapt headfirst into connecting with people we knew were no good for us and would cause us stress and anxiety. This happens because even negative attention can release hormones like dopamine, making us keep looking for validation through being mistreated by our lover.
Check out this article I wrote to learn more about how specific chemicals in the brain can create unhealthy bonds with people.
Next, I will talk about signs that you or someone you know may be struggling with codependency.
Five Signs You Are In Romantic Codependent Relationship
Here are some common signs that you might be struggling with codependency in a romantic relationship:
You Love the Highs and the Lows Equally: If you were mistreated as a child, you might think it’s normal to have intense fights and moments of passionate “love.” You could be recreating the chaotic and stressful feelings you experienced as a child. This familiarity with pain and confusion may feel comforting.
Staying When You Know You Need to Go: Even if your partner insults you in public, cheats on you, hits you, or spends all your money on unnecessary things, you still stay in the relationship.
Self-Medicating with Drugs, Shopping, or Work: In a toxic relationship, it’s common to seek comfort. Some people use drugs, food, or alcohol to numb themselves. Others escape through work or excessive shopping or gambling.
Loss of Identity: Being in a toxic relationship might make you neglect your own interests, goals, and friendships to please your partner. You might change your appearance or lose touch with activities that used to make you happy.
Defensive and/or Unwilling to Ask For Help: When there’s chaos at home, codependent people often deny or excuse what’s happening. And that is normal! It can feel embarrassing to admit that their partner mistreats them. Or worse admit they are unable to admit they made a mistake. So they might stay silent until the cops, law or someone else in authority steps in and stops the situation.
These are some examples. Next, let’s explore in more detail what it means to depend on someone emotionally in an unhealthy way, especially if you have a traumatic past.
The Cycle of Romantic Codependency and Trauma Bonding
As I wrote earlier, codependency isn’t just about one person depending too much on another. It’s often linked to past hurts that haven’t been healed. When someone has experienced trauma—like being mistreated or neglected—they might develop patterns of depending on others in unhealthy ways.
This can create a cycle where they keep seeking relationships that feel familiar, even if those relationships aren’t good for them. What happens next is a trauma bond.
What is a Trauma Bond?
Great question! Glad you asked. A trauma bond is a strong emotional connection between people who have experienced intense and often painful situations together. It can develop when someone goes through repeated cycles of abuse, control, or intense emotional experiences with another person.
Despite the harm, they may feel deeply attached because these experiences create a powerful and often confusing bond. It often involves complicated power dynamics and cycles of abuse mixed with moments of affection or kindness.
Let’s talk about what that looks like in the real world as well fictional examples.
Real-life Examples of Trauma Bonds:
- Tina Turner and Ike Turner: Tina Turner, the famous singer, was in an abusive relationship with her husband and musical partner Ike Turner for many years. Ike would physically and emotionally abuse Tina, but then shower her with gifts and affection. This cycle of abuse followed by kindness made it hard for Tina to leave, even though she was being hurt. Eventually, she found the strength to escape the relationship and became a successful solo artist.
- Rihanna and Chris Brown: Pop star Rihanna was in a relationship with singer Chris Brown that became violent. In 2009, Chris Brown physically assaulted Rihanna, leaving her with visible injuries. Despite this, Rihanna briefly got back together with him years later. This on-again, off-again pattern is common in trauma bonds, where the victim struggles to fully break away from their abuser.
Movie Examples of Trauma Bonds:
- Harley Quinn and the Joker from DC Comics: Their relationship often shows Harley going back to the abusive Joker, forming a strong bond despite the harm.
- Belle and the Beast in “Beauty and the Beast”: Although romanticized, their story can be seen as a bond forming between captor and captive, rooted in their shared experiences.
- Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey in “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Their relationship in the story involves cycles of abuse and making up, showing signs of a bond formed through trauma.
Now that you know trauma bonds can make codependency worse, let’s discuss how to heal from it.
6 Steps to Heal From Romantic Codependency
Healing from codependency takes time, effort, and support. Here are some ways to help you on this journey:
- Understand Yourself: Start by becoming more aware of how your past influence your thoughts and actions. Using guided exercises, such as my course Amazing Attitude, can help you understand your past in a deeper way.
- Start Therapy/Trauma-Informed Coaching: Working with a therapist or coach like myself who knows about trauma can give you important help. Support from a pro can help you find out where your codependency comes from, make better ways to cope, and build up your self-esteem.
- Be Mindful: Mindfulness means paying careful attention to your thoughts and feelings in the present moment. You can do this by doing things like deep breathing or paying attention to your body. This type of work can lower your anxiety and help you control your emotions.
- Have Real Friends: Making and keeping healthy friendships is key to healing. They will encourage you to be honest, real and positive. Also, they can see warning signs you may have would have ignored.
- Take Better Care of Yourself: To feel good physically, emotionally, and mentally, it’s important to take care of yourself. Do things you love, like exercise, hobbies, and being outside.
- Set Boundaries with Others: Get comfortable saying NO to the things that do not help you and YES to the things that help you. Boundaries aren’t about being restrictive and lame. Not so. Boundaries help keep you safe and make sure your needs are met. Practice saying no when you need to and telling people what you’re comfortable with.
The image below are my best tips. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
I hope you found this information helpful. I understand it may be uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been in and out of toxic relationships for most of your life. If you’re ready to have a healthy and happy love life, I’m here to help. Don’t hesitate to reach out and contact me.
Also, check out this episode from my entrepreneur podcast. Remember, you’re not alone, and help is always available. Let’s start this journey toward a happier, healthier you together.
