Understanding Extramarital Affairs: Why Some Men Cheat
As a life and business coach, I discuss difficult topics frequently, and inevitably, the topic of infidelity arises. Recently, I wrote on social media about why some women cheat on their partners. Now, I’d like to turn the page and discuss why some men cheat and engage in extramarital affairs.
This matter is important because lots of married women feel very sad, scared, and ashamed, thinking they could do things differently to make their spouse act better. But that’s not true.
Also, many men feel bad, guilty, and unhappy because they can’t stop doing things that go against what they believe.
In this article, we talk about five reasons why men cheat on their partners. And we’ll also talk about why someone might be interested in a married man.
Monogamy is a virtue, but it isn’t natural
Monogamy is often considered a virtue, but it is not natural. Being with only one partner is seen as morally correct, yet according to psychologist David Barash, author of “The Myth of Monogamy,” almost half of men and women are unfaithful.
Furthermore, it is not natural to be loyal to one partner in nature. For a long time, people did not have long life expectancies and therefore it was genetically advantageous to have as many offspring as possible. Why stick to one partner when you can “plant” your seed where ever the wind takes you?
In the past, people usually died in their mid to late 30s. Nowadays, life expectancy has increased a lot, thanks to modern medicine and drugs like penicillin. Many of our ancestors never experienced mid-life crises like buying a sports car or leaving their partner for someone younger.
In the next section, we will discuss the reasons why men cheat or engage in extramarital affairs. Some of the reasons may seem obvious, while others may truly be confusing.
Some men on their partners because they have experienced difficult and hurtful things during their childhood. They may be trying to cope with these painful experiences by seeking control through an affair outside their marriage.
Five Reasons Why Men Cheat or Engage in Extramarital Affairs
I know that there will be some who will only want to read the answer, ‘He cheats because he is a lying, cheating bastard.’
If you are looking for an answer like this, please read elsewhere because you won’t find it here. Instead, we will discuss the psychological and biological reasons why a man would be unfaithful to his long-term romantic partner.
1. Desire for Multiple Offspring:
As I mentioned before, men might want to have a lot of kids, whether they realize it or not, because it’s something our instincts tell us to do to keep our species going.
You can see this on the internet, where famous people talk openly about wanting lots of kids with different partners.
I wonder how much time a man can really spend with each of his kids if he’s busy working to take care of all of them from different relationships. But whether he’s having affairs or getting involved with someone outside his marriage, it increases his chance of having more kids.
Whether a man has the pocketbook of celebrities like Elon Musk, who has 11 children, Nick Cannon, who is a father of 12 and counting, or Eddie Murphy, who has 10 children, it’s clear that some men have a strong desire to have many kids.
And some men are more vocal than others when expressing this desire.
2. Recreation of Traumatic Experiences:
“He cheated on me at the same age when his father cheated on his mother!”
I can never forget when my client, Jane (not her real name) told me that her husband left her for another woman. What made it worse was that their youngest child was only nine months old.
Jane shared with me that her soon-to-be ex-husband, Eric had a similar experience as a child. Eric’s father left his childhood family when Eric and his other siblings were young.
Why would they want to traumatize themself?
I get this question a lot.
Some men on their partners because they have experienced difficult and hurtful things during their childhood. They may be trying to cope with these painful experiences by seeking control through an affair outside their marriage.
I wish I could have helped Jane in that moment, give her a word of wisdom, or something of the sort. All I could do was listen in utter disbelief. Now, I urge anyone to work on improving their communication skills with their spouse. This article may help you.
3. Emotional Disabilities:
“I’ll say whatever you want, just as long as you don’t get mad at me!”
I have never had a man I dated explicitly say that to me, but their actions all but said it.
Question: Have you ever met a man who had difficulty expressing his feelings, including how he felt about himself?
Men who struggle to express their emotions may find it difficult to form healthy relationships with others, regardless of gender. Sometimes, they might look for support in different kinds of relationships because they don’t know how to talk about what they’re feeling or understand what their partner is feeling.
4. Enjoyment of Diversity:
Some men seek diversity in their partners, appreciating differences in temperaments, physical features, or sexual activity, akin to the characters of Veronica and Betty in Archie comics.
This diversity isn’t limited to the bedroom alone, as some men may prefer women with completely different personalities. All of us could be drawn to relationship archetypes that are helpful to our immediate emotional needs. As such, they could switch from spending time with a hot temptress to a comforting, nurturing mother-like partner, depending on their needs.
5. Mutual Agreement for Open Relationships:
Sometimes, a man might want to have more than one romantic relationship at the same time, and both partners agree to it. This can be different from what society usually expects, but it helps the couple understand each other better.
I’ve heard from some men who say they have an “agreement” with their wives about having relationships outside of marriage. As long as they support the family, use protection, and keep it private, their wives don’t mind.
I’m not saying if this is right or wrong; I’m just sharing that there are various reasons why men might have relationships outside of marriage. In the next part, we’ll talk about why someone might be involved with a married man.
What about the women or men who engaged in extramarital affairs with men?
Like I mentioned at the start of this article, it might be easy to call men who have affairs “cheating jerks,” but the truth is more complicated.
From my own experience as someone who used to be involved with married men, it’s clear that these relationships often stem from deeper problems.
Being with a married man can make someone believe they’re unlovable. This kind of relationship is really harmful, stopping people from being with partners who are emotionally stable and available, and making it hard to feel good about themselves.
Trying to "fix" someone who's not available can be a way for really unhappy and emotionally struggling people to cope with their own unresolved traumas.
Loving the feeling of being ‘unlovable’
You might be curious why someone feeling hopeless would choose a married man instead of a single one. The answer is tied to the tricky psychology of wanting validation. When someone feels unloved because of a damaged inner child, they might do things that confirm their feelings. Going after partners who aren’t available becomes a way to keep feeling bitter, regretful, and anxious, creating a strong sense of despair.
And it’s not just about finding any unavailable partner; picking a married man might be because the situation becomes kind of addictive. Trying to “fix” someone who’s not available can be a way for really unhappy and emotionally struggling people to cope. They might also be drawn to people with power, fame, substance issues, or similar emotional challenges.
In the next section, I will share my final thoughts.
Final thoughts on extra martial affairs
Understanding the reasons why men cheat isn’t just about labeling them, but about looking into their deeper emotional and societal issues that lead to these complex situations.
If you are looking for a healthier romantic relationship while dating, this article will help you.
And if you’re interested in learning more or need help with relationship stuff, feel free to reach out to me. Also, if you need help communicating with your partner, listen to this episode from my podcast– check it out here or click the play button below.
