The Hidden Link Between Childhood Trauma and Controlling Behavior
- Updated: March 4, 2025
Why do some people feel the need to control everything around them?
It’s easy to assume that controlling behavior is simply a personality flaw or a bad habit. But the truth runs deeper.
Many people who struggle with control—whether in relationships, business, or daily life—aren’t driven by arrogance or power. They are reacting to deep, unresolved childhood pain.
As a healing and leadership coach, I’ve seen how childhood trauma shapes the way we connect with others. For those who grew up in unpredictable, unstable, or emotionally neglectful homes, control often becomes a survival mechanism. When the world once felt unsafe, controlling every detail feels like the only way to protect yourself from chaos.
But what if that control is now holding you back instead of keeping you safe?
In this article, we’ll dive into:
✅ How childhood trauma wires us for control
✅ Why controlling behavior damages relationships
✅ Steps to break free from the cycle and build healthier connections
Let’s uncover the hidden roots of control—because healing starts with understanding.
Desperation & Control: How Childhood Pain Shapes Adult Relationships
Growing up in a pain-filled family leaves deep imprints. For many of us, if we’re brave enough to admit it, our parents struggled with their own desperation. That desperation—whether financial, emotional, or circumstantial—often meant they didn’t know how to model responsible behavior.
To put it bluntly: our parents had no clue how to maintain their resources, their relationships, or even themselves. Some mismanaged time and money, while others let their own pain spill out into the family dynamic.
For children, this created chaos—moments when there wasn’t enough food, attention, safety, or stability. Living in that kind of environment forces you to develop survival mechanisms. Over time, those survival skills can morph into controlling behaviors. Here’s one example from me and one from another person.
Bathe by Candlelight
I remember seasons during my childhood when we didn’t even have electricity. These were the years before I lived with my mother, shortly after my parents separated. It was common to start and end the day without electricity for weeks at a time. My mother refused to get a job to pay the bills because she believed it was my father’s responsibility. As a result, I became well acquainted with the use of candles. When it was time to clean myself, I had to heat water on the stove and bathe by candlelight.
Those moments of scarcity left a lasting mark on me, both emotionally and spiritually. Living in an environment where necessities were uncertain made me hyper-aware of what I could and couldn’t control. My world felt fragile and unstable, so I began clinging to routines and habits that gave me a sense of order and security. What started as a survival mechanism eventually grew into controlling behaviors—a way to prevent the chaos I feared might return.
Unresolved Childhood Pain: The Silent Force Behind Relationship Chaos
During a coaching session, I sat across from Melody (not real name) in a moment of silence. Finally, I asked her, “Why are you so preoccupied with your man’s smoking, but you avoid talking about your anger issues?”
Her defensiveness told me everything I needed to know.
Controlling behavior—it’s something I see in clients all the time. And when you strip it down to the root cause, it almost always leads back to childhood pain.
Melody’s story was no exception. She grew up in an unstable home. Her father came and went as he pleased, while her mother, understandably upset and rattled, directed her frustration at Melody and her brother through verbal abuse.
Controlling Others to Avoid Inner Pain
Fast forward to adulthood, and Melody found herself clinging to men who mirrored the emotional absence she experienced in her childhood. They may not have physically left, but their emotional unavailability was glaring—they turned to substances, other women, or distractions to avoid facing their own pain.
Now, in our session, Melody was fixated on her partner’s smoking habits while tiptoeing around her unresolved anger. We danced around the topic, but the deeper truth was clear: unhealed wounds from her past were bleeding into her present.
I shared a bit of her story on social media. Click the link below to join the conversation.
After a moment of silence, I asked her, “Why are you so preoccupied with your man’s smoking, but you avoid talking about your anger issues?”
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) December 4, 2024
I see signs of controlling behavior all the time.
All the time, y’all.
And when you get straight to it, it all goes back to childhood.…
Your story might look different from the stories I shared, but I’m sure you can relate to that feeling of desperation. When we don’t address our childhood pain, it doesn’t disappear. Instead, it shows up in unnecessary, preventable drama that derails our lives and relationships. A life script influences our decisions in ways we don’t even realize. Many of the patterns we repeat—especially in relationships—are shaped by unconscious beliefs formed in childhood.
Take a moment to reflect:
- Do you feel desperate now in some area of your life?
- How is that impacting your relationships, both personal and professional?
- Do you find yourself chasing attention, money, or power to fill a deeper void?
The good news is that these patterns can be unraveled. Recovery is possible, and it begins with understanding the connection between your early experiences and your present-day struggles.
How Your Childhood Hardwiring Drives Controlling Behaviors
Childhood is the foundation of our beliefs, emotions, and behavior. The things we experience, especially during formative years, shape how we view the world—and ourselves.
The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study
From 1995-1997, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente partnered to research the impact of childhood experiences on adult health and well-being. The ACE study examined the long-term effects of adverse childhood experiences on later life.
Findings from the ACE Study revealed a strong association between adverse childhood experiences (such as abuse, neglect, household dysfunction, etc.) and negative health and social outcomes in adulthood.
Those who faced more adverse experiences during childhood were at significantly higher risk for various health issues, including mental health disorders, substance abuse, chronic diseases, and premature mortality.
Why Does This Happen?
Children don’t just endure hardship—they internalize it. The environment we grow up in becomes the blueprint for how we view ourselves and interact with the world. A child who experienced consistent fear or instability might grow up feeling unsafe in their relationships or even in their own skin.
Unresolved pain doesn’t just vanish when we turn 18. It seeps into our adult lives, shaping how we respond to stress, how we build (or sabotage) relationships, and how we care for our bodies.
Hormones Gone Wild!
Stressful childhood experiences don’t just live in your memories—they leave a biological imprint on your body. When you grow up in chaos or fear, your body becomes hardwired for survival. Your stress-response system, designed to protect you in dangerous situations, goes into overdrive.
Here’s what happens:
- Cortisol and Adrenaline Surge: These “stress hormones” are meant to help you in emergencies, but when they’re overproduced for years, they wreak havoc on your health. Chronic exposure can lead to anxiety, depression, or even physical issues like heart disease.
- Misinterpreting Threats: If your nervous system is always on high alert, you may struggle to distinguish between real threats and everyday challenges. This can make it hard to trust others or feel calm, even in safe situations.
The Control Cycle: How Childhood Trauma Echoes Into Adulthood
Imagine a child growing up in a home where yelling, punishment, or manipulation was the norm. Over time, they might come to believe that control—through aggression, criticism, or manipulation—is the only way to connect with others.
Fast forward to adulthood, and those survival strategies might resurface as controlling tendencies. They don’t mean to dominate or micromanage—it’s their inner child crying out for the safety and stability they never had.
Understanding the impact of ACEs and chronic stress is crucial because it empowers us to change the narrative. The past might explain why you feel the way you do, but it doesn’t have to dictate your future.
Next, let’s explore how anxiety and stress specifically fuel controlling behaviors—and what you can do to break free.
When Control Takes Over: The Many Faces of Controlling Behavior
Unresolved childhood trauma doesn’t just disappear. It follows you into adulthood and can show up in unexpected places, like the workplace.
Maybe you micromanage every detail of a project. Or you struggle to trust your team. These behaviors might feel like “just being thorough,” but they’re often rooted in anxiety and fear.
Here are some additional ways controlling tendencies can manifest:
Other Types of Controlling Behavior
| Controlling Behavior | How it sounds like | How it hurts |
|---|---|---|
Isolation | If it is so good, why do you need time away from me? | Attempting to isolate someone from their friends, family, or support networks, creating a dependency on the controlling individual. |
Manipulation | By the way, (INSERT NAME), never gave me the types of problems I have with you. | Using tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional manipulation to sway or control another person’s actions or emotions. |
Imposing Limitations | You need to give me a record of your activities each hour, on the hour! | Setting strict and unreasonable rules or restrictions on the other person’s actions, behaviors, or even appearance. |
Verbal or Physical Aggression | Get out of my way now or you will not like what happens next! | Because of the deep lack of internal control, they result to aggressive behavior to feel a sense of internal control. |
Constant Criticism | Aren’t you paying attention? I’ve told you this isn’t how it should be done! | Frequent and unwarranted criticism, undermining someone’s confidence and decision-making abilities. |
Lack of Respect for Boundaries | I know you said you couldn’t – but this is an emergency and I need your help! | Unresolved anxieties, fears and phobia create a sense of desperate to get their needs met – no matter the cost to ones self-worth, dignity or the wishes of others. |
Unwillingness to Accept Responsibility | It wasn’t my fault – (Insert NAME) didn’t come through! | Ironically, people with controlling tendencies want to outsource any form of personal responsibility for things they control or manage. The reason is because they have so much internalized shame they cannot bear anyone to mention their shortcomings. |
Lack of Trust | We can’t give you more tasks because of your past poor performance. | This is complicated because we don’t want to give people things they are unable to accomplish. However, nobody learns through handicaps. A controlling person will not allow people to learn from their mistakes. |
Emotional Blackmail | It would help everyone if you canceled this appointment. The team needs you. | Using threats or emotional pressure to influence or control the other person’s actions or decisions. This type of seduction causes a compliance tainted with guilt and resentment. |
It’s important to remember that controlling behavior doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. Sometimes, it’s sneaky and develops slowly over time, making it harder to notice.
You might not see all the signs at once, and they might only appear in certain situations. In fact, controlling behaviors can be subtle, like a small comment that builds up over time, or a pattern that’s hard to spot until it becomes too much to ignore.
The image below gives a clear picture of some of these controlling tendencies.
Resentment
Let’s talk about resentment. Resentment grows from unmet expectations. If you didn’t get what you needed as a child, you might find yourself unconsciously attracting people who reflect that same pain. Why do we do this? Because we’re trying to fix what was left unresolved in the past. I shared more about how to work through this in the post below. Click the link to join the conversation.
Frequently, the desire to control others comes from wanting to feel safe. However, most people, unless they have specific relational dynamics like codependency, resist being controlled. Healthy relationships typically thrive on mutual respect and freedom, rather than rigid rules or attempts to control.
In the next section, we’ll talk about how you can start fixing these issues and take steps toward healthier, more balanced relationships.
Do you want a FULL-PROOF way not to feel resentful about others?
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) December 31, 2024
Memorize this line and repeat it often: People are often irrational, consistent and unpredictable.
Why is this important?
Why is this important? Because resentment thrives on unmet expectations. When we expect…
Breaking Free from Control: How to Heal & Build Healthier Relationships
Breaking free from controlling tendencies begins with recognizing them—not with shame or blame, but with curiosity and compassion. It’s not about labeling yourself as “the problem” but understanding that your behaviors may be rooted in pain or patterns you learned in childhood.
When you address your pain, you break the cycle of control. This doesn’t just benefit you—it transforms your relationships. You’ll find it easier to connect, trust, and let go of the need to control every little thing. It’s about creating relationships that feel safe and nourishing, rather than fraught with tension.
Despite all the crap that went down in the past, here’s the good news: you can change. Healing is a process, and every small step counts. Let’s look at some practical ways to start breaking the cycle:
1. Recognize the Patterns
Pay attention to the way you show up in relationships. Do you feel the need to control everything? Do you get anxious or angry when things don’t go as planned? These behaviors don’t come out of nowhere—they’re often rooted in childhood experiences. Noticing these patterns is the first step to breaking free from them.
2. Write It Out
Journaling is like having a conversation with yourself. It helps you see the connections between your past and your present. Think about the ways your childhood shaped how you respond to stress, conflict, or uncertainty. What messages did you receive about control, safety, or trust? Writing things down makes it easier to understand what’s really driving your actions.
3. Get Support
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Therapy, coaching, or even a trusted mentor can help you unpack old wounds in a safe and supportive way. Sometimes, an outside perspective is exactly what’s needed to break free from patterns that feel impossible to change.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Growth takes time, and healing isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being patient with yourself. When you catch yourself slipping into old habits, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, speak to yourself the way you would encourage a close friend: with love, understanding, and grace.
5. Set Boundaries
Saying “no” isn’t just about other people—it’s about protecting yourself from the harmful thoughts and expectations that keep you stuck. Boundaries help create space for healthier relationships and a stronger, more grounded you. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.
The image below breaks these steps down visually. Now, let’s take a deeper look at how to recognize controlling behavior and what to do about it.
Reflective Questions for You
Take a moment to pause and think about these questions. You might find them helpful in uncovering areas where growth is possible:
- What’s one behavior in your relationships that seems to be about someone else but might actually be about you?
- Is there a pain or memory from childhood that could still be shaping your choices today?
- Are you focused on “fixing” others as a way to avoid healing yourself?
By asking yourself these questions, you create an opportunity to dig deeper and take the first steps toward meaningful change.
Healing is a journey, not a race. Give yourself permission to take it one step at a time. I hope this helped you. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
You can recover from being controlling behavior, but it takes work. You can feel safe and secure eventually if you do the work. That requires nurturing that inner child and investing in your self-care and emotional wellness.
As a healing and leadership coach, I help entrepreneurs break free from these patterns. If you need help, please contact me, and we can work together towards healing and growth.
In what ways have you recognized controlling behavior in yourself? How are you planning to fix it, or how have you already fixed it? Let me know by clicking this link.
Dig deeper by listening to this episode from my podcast about feeling safe and secure.
