How Childhood Trauma Fuels Controlling Behavior (And How to Stop It)
- Updated: April 19, 2025
Controlling people aren’t always bossy or arrogant. Sometimes, they’re just scared.
I’m not talking about the obvious power-hungry types. I mean the folks who obsess over details, avoid surprises, and feel thrown off when something doesn’t go as planned.
For many of us, control didn’t start as a character trait—it started as a survival skill.
If you grew up in an unstable or emotionally neglectful environment, control may have been the only thing that made life feel manageable. But what happens when that survival strategy becomes a barrier to real peace, love, or connection?
In this article, we’ll unpack:
- ✅ How childhood trauma wires us for control
- ✅ Why controlling behavior damages relationships
- ✅ What it takes to stop managing everything—and finally feel safe
If control helped you survive, that’s valid. But if it’s now holding your life hostage, it’s time to look closer.
Childhood Chaos & the Birth of Control
Growing up in a pain-filled family leaves deep imprints. For many of us, if we’re brave enough to admit it, our parents struggled with their own desperation. That desperation—whether financial, emotional, or circumstantial—often meant they didn’t know how to model responsible behavior.
To put it bluntly: our parents had no clue how to maintain their resources, their relationships, or even themselves. Some mismanaged time and money, while others let their own pain spill out into the family dynamic.
For children, this created chaos—moments when there wasn’t enough food, attention, safety, or stability. Living in that kind of environment forces you to develop survival mechanisms. Over time, those survival skills can morph into controlling behaviors.
Here’s one example from me and one from another person.
How Trauma Turns Into Controlling Behavior
I remember seasons during my childhood when we didn’t even have electricity. These were the years before I lived with my mother, shortly after my parents separated. It was common to start and end the day without electricity for weeks at a time.
My mother refused to get a job to pay the bills because she believed it was my father’s responsibility. As a result, I became well acquainted with the use of candles. When it was time to clean myself, I had to heat water on the stove and bathe by candlelight.
Those moments of scarcity left a lasting mark on me, both emotionally and spiritually. Living in an environment where necessities were uncertain made me hyper-aware of what I could and couldn’t control.
My world felt fragile and unstable, so I began clinging to routines and habits that gave me a sense of order and security. What started as a survival mechanism eventually grew into controlling behaviors—a way to prevent the chaos I feared might return.
Unresolved Childhood Pain: The Silent Force Behind Relationship Chaos
During a coaching session, I sat across from Melody (not real name) in a moment of silence. Finally, I asked her, “Why are you so preoccupied with your man’s smoking, but you avoid talking about your anger issues?”
Her defensiveness told me everything I needed to know.
Controlling behavior—it’s something I see in clients all the time. And when you strip it down to the root cause, it almost always leads back to childhood pain.
Melody’s story was no exception. She grew up in an unstable home. Her father came and went as he pleased, while her mother, understandably upset and rattled, directed her frustration at Melody and her brother through verbal abuse.
When Control Becomes a Coping Mechanism
Fast forward to adulthood, and Melody found herself clinging to men who mirrored the emotional absence she experienced in her childhood. They may not have physically left, but their emotional unavailability was glaring—they turned to substances, other women, or distractions to avoid facing their own pain.
Now, in our session, Melody was fixated on her partner’s smoking habits while tiptoeing around her unresolved anger. We danced around the topic, but the deeper truth was clear: unhealed wounds from her past were bleeding into her present.
I shared a bit of her story on social media. Click the link below to join the conversation.
After a moment of silence, I asked her, “Why are you so preoccupied with your man’s smoking, but you avoid talking about your anger issues?”
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) December 4, 2024
I see signs of controlling behavior all the time.
All the time, y’all.
And when you get straight to it, it all goes back to childhood.…
Your story might look different from the stories I shared, but I’m sure you can relate to that feeling of desperation.
When we don’t address our childhood pain, it doesn’t disappear. Instead, it shows up in unnecessary, preventable drama that derails our lives and relationships. A life script influences our decisions in ways we don’t even realize. Many of the patterns we repeat—especially in relationships—are shaped by unconscious beliefs formed in childhood.
Take a moment to reflect:
- Do you feel desperate now in some area of your life?
- How is that impacting your relationships, both personal and professional?
- Do you find yourself chasing attention, money, or power to fill a deeper void?
The good news is that these patterns can be unraveled. Recovery is possible, and it begins with understanding the connection between your early experiences and your present-day struggles.
Why You Feel Unsafe Even When Life Is ‘Fine’
Childhood is the foundation of our beliefs, emotions, and behavior. The things we experience, especially during formative years, shape how we view the world—and ourselves.
The Science Behind It: ACEs & Hormone Havoc
From 1995-1997, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente partnered to research the impact of childhood experiences on adult health and well-being. The ACE study examined the long-term effects of adverse childhood experiences on later life.
Findings from the Adverse Children Experiences (ACE) Study revealed a strong association between adverse childhood experiences (such as abuse, neglect, household dysfunction, etc.) and negative health and social outcomes in adulthood.
Those who faced more adverse experiences during childhood were at significantly higher risk for various health issues, including mental health disorders, substance abuse, chronic diseases, and premature mortality.
Why Does This Happen?
Children don’t just survive hardship—they internalize it. The environment we grow up in becomes the blueprint for how we see ourselves and relate to the world. A child raised in fear or instability often grows into an adult who feels unsafe—in relationships, in their body, or in their own mind.
And here’s the truth: unresolved pain doesn’t magically disappear at 18. It seeps into adulthood, shaping how we respond to stress, build (or sabotage) relationships, and care for ourselves.
Hormones Gone Wild!
Stressful childhood experiences don’t just linger in your memories—they leave a biological imprint. When you grow up in fear or chaos, your body becomes hardwired for survival. Your stress-response system, designed to protect you from danger, shifts into overdrive.
Here’s what that looks like:
Cortisol & Adrenaline Overload
These “emergency hormones” help you survive short-term danger—but when they’re overproduced for years, they start breaking you down. Chronic exposure can lead to anxiety, depression, and even physical conditions like heart disease.Perceiving Danger Everywhere
When your nervous system is always on high alert, you start to misread everyday situations as threats. This makes it hard to relax, trust, or even feel safe—even when you are.
I talked about this in my conversation with Michelle on the Mama Genius show. We explored how trauma can still run the show in your life when your stress hormones have never returned to healthy levels.
Click the link below to listen to our conversation.
The Control Cycle: How Childhood Trauma Echoes Into Adulthood
Imagine a child growing up in a home where yelling, punishment, or manipulation was the norm. Over time, they may come to believe that control—through aggression, criticism, or people-pleasing—is the only way to feel safe or connect.
As adults, those same survival strategies often resurface as controlling tendencies. It’s not about domination—it’s the inner child crying out for the stability they never had.
Understanding the impact of ACEs and chronic stress matters, because it gives us power to rewrite the script. The past might explain your fears, but it doesn’t have to control your future.
When control becomes a coping mechanism, it’s often rooted in something deeper than fear. It’s tied to fusion(emotionally merging with others to avoid abandonment) or oppositionality (resisting guidance because it feels like past control).
These are defense styles, not character flaws—and they often form when you weren’t allowed to say no, set limits, or express fear as a child.
Next, let’s explore how anxiety and stress specifically fuel controlling behaviors—and what you can do to break free.
When Control Takes Over: The Many Faces of Controlling Behavior
Unresolved childhood trauma doesn’t just disappear. It follows you into adulthood and can show up in unexpected places, like the workplace.
Maybe you micromanage every detail of a project. Or you struggle to trust your team. These behaviors might feel like “just being thorough,” but they’re often rooted in anxiety and fear.
Here are some additional ways controlling tendencies can manifest:
The Many Faces of Controlling Behavior
| Controlling Behavior | How it sounds like | How it hurts |
|---|---|---|
Isolation | If it is so good, why do you need time away from me? | Attempting to isolate someone from their friends, family, or support networks, creating a dependency on the controlling individual. |
Manipulation | By the way, (INSERT NAME), never gave me the types of problems I have with you. | Using tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or emotional manipulation to sway or control another person’s actions or emotions. |
Imposing Limitations | You need to give me a record of your activities each hour, on the hour! | Setting strict and unreasonable rules or restrictions on the other person’s actions, behaviors, or even appearance. |
Verbal or Physical Aggression | Get out of my way now or you will not like what happens next! | Because of the deep lack of internal control, they result to aggressive behavior to feel a sense of internal control. |
Constant Criticism | Aren’t you paying attention? I’ve told you this isn’t how it should be done! | Frequent and unwarranted criticism, undermining someone’s confidence and decision-making abilities. |
Lack of Respect for Boundaries | I know you said you couldn’t – but this is an emergency and I need your help! | Unresolved anxieties, fears and phobia create a sense of desperate to get their needs met – no matter the cost to ones self-worth, dignity or the wishes of others. |
Unwillingness to Accept Responsibility | It wasn’t my fault – (Insert NAME) didn’t come through! | Ironically, people with controlling tendencies want to outsource any form of personal responsibility for things they control or manage. The reason is because they have so much internalized shame they cannot bear anyone to mention their shortcomings. |
Lack of Trust | We can’t give you more tasks because of your past poor performance. | This is complicated because we don’t want to give people things they are unable to accomplish. However, nobody learns through handicaps. A controlling person will not allow people to learn from their mistakes. |
Emotional Blackmail | It would help everyone if you canceled this appointment. The team needs you. | Using threats or emotional pressure to influence or control the other person’s actions or decisions. This type of seduction causes a compliance tainted with guilt and resentment. |
It’s important to remember that controlling behavior doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. Sometimes, it’s sneaky and develops slowly over time, making it harder to notice.
You might not see all the signs at once, and they might only appear in certain situations. In fact, controlling behaviors can be subtle, like a small comment that builds up over time, or a pattern that’s hard to spot until it becomes too much to ignore.
The image below gives a clear picture of some of these controlling tendencies.
Resentment
Let’s talk about resentment. Resentment grows from unmet expectations. If you didn’t get what you needed as a child, you might find yourself unconsciously attracting people who reflect that same pain. Why do we do this? Because we’re trying to fix what was left unresolved in the past. I shared more about how to work through this in the post below. Click the link to join the conversation.
Frequently, the desire to over personalize work or control others comes from wanting to feel safe. However, most people, unless they have specific relational dynamics like codependency, resist being controlled. Healthy relationships typically thrive on mutual respect and freedom, rather than rigid rules or attempts to control.
In the next section, we’ll talk about how you can start fixing these issues and take steps toward healthier, more balanced relationships.
Do you want a FULL-PROOF way not to feel resentful about others?
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) December 31, 2024
Memorize this line and repeat it often: People are often irrational, consistent and unpredictable.
Why is this important?
Why is this important? Because resentment thrives on unmet expectations. When we expect…
How to Heal: Breaking the Cycle
Breaking free from controlling behavior begins with recognizing them—not with shame or blame, but with curiosity and compassion. It’s not about labeling yourself as “the problem” but understanding that your behaviors may be rooted in pain or patterns you learned in childhood.
When you address your pain, you break the cycle of control. This doesn’t just benefit you—it transforms your relationships. You’ll find it easier to connect, trust, and let go of the need to control every little thing. It’s about creating relationships that feel safe and nourishing, rather than fraught with tension.
Despite all the crap that went down in the past, here’s the good news: you can change. Healing is a process, and every small step counts. Let’s look at some practical ways to start breaking the cycle:
1. Recognize the Patterns
Pay attention to the way you show up in relationships. Do you feel the need to control everything? Do you get anxious or angry when things don’t go as planned? These behaviors don’t come out of nowhere—they’re often rooted in childhood experiences. Noticing these patterns is the first step to breaking free from them.
2. Write It Out
Journaling is like having a conversation with yourself. It helps you see the connections between your past and your present.
Think about the ways your childhood shaped how you respond to stress, conflict, or uncertainty. What messages did you receive about control, safety, or trust? Writing things down makes it easier to understand what’s really driving your actions.
3. Get Support
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Therapy, coaching, or even a trusted mentor can help you unpack old wounds in a safe and supportive way.
Sometimes, an outside perspective is exactly what’s needed to break free from patterns that feel impossible to change.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Growth takes time, and healing isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being patient with yourself.
When you catch yourself slipping into old habits, don’t beat yourself up. Instead, speak to yourself the way you would encourage a close friend: with love, understanding, and grace.
5. Set Boundaries
Saying “no” isn’t just about other people—it’s about protecting yourself from the harmful thoughts and expectations that keep you stuck. Boundaries help create space for healthier relationships and a stronger, more grounded you. The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.
The image below breaks these steps down visually. Now, let’s take a deeper look at how to recognize controlling behavior and what to do about it.
Reflective Questions for You
Take a moment to pause and think about these questions. You might find them helpful in uncovering areas where growth is possible:
- What’s one behavior in your relationships that seems to be about someone else but might actually be about you?
- Is there a pain or memory from childhood that could still be shaping your choices today?
- Are you focused on “fixing” others as a way to avoid healing yourself?
- Do you think your actions are less about following your intuition or more about unresolved and unhealed trauma?
By asking yourself these questions, you create an opportunity to dig deeper and take the first steps toward meaningful change.
Healing is a journey, not a race. Give yourself permission to take it one step at a time. I hope this helped you. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Still wondering if this applies to you?
You’re not alone. Here are a few common questions I hear from readers and clients unpacking these same patterns.
Quiet Questions That Come Up a Lot
What are the signs of controlling behavior?
Controlling behavior can show up as micromanaging, emotional blackmail, constant criticism, or subtle rules that limit someone’s freedom. It often begins with anxiety—not malice.
Is controlling behavior always abusive?
Not always. Sometimes it’s a trauma response, especially for those who grew up in chaotic or unsafe homes. But even when unintentional, controlling behavior still damages relationships.
Why do people become controlling in relationships?
Often, control is rooted in early experiences where the person felt powerless or unsafe. As adults, they try to regain that safety by managing everything—especially in close relationships.
Can someone heal from controlling behavior?
Yes. Healing starts with identifying your patterns and unpacking the childhood wounds underneath. With support, boundaries, and self-compassion, it’s possible to feel safe without needing control.
Other things to know
Above all, know this: You can absolutely recover from controlling behavior—but it takes inner work. Feeling safe doesn’t come from managing every detail. It comes from healing what made you feel unsafe in the first place.
That means nurturing your inner child, building emotional safety from the inside out, and choosing self-care that isn’t just surface-level.
As a healing and leadership coach, I help entrepreneurs break free from these survival patterns. If you’re ready to do the deeper work, reach out here, and let’s start that healing journey together.
💭 Have you noticed controlling behavior in yourself? How are you navigating it—or what helped you move through it? Click here to share your thoughts.
📝 Want tools to go deeper?
Explore your emotional patterns with my Life Script assessment
🎧 Want more? Click the play button below to listen to a podcast episode where I unpack what it really takes to feel safe—without needing to control everything.
