Why People Stay in Unhappy Marriages: Hidden Truths That Keep You Stuck
- Updated: April 18, 2025
As a healing and leadership coach, I work with business owners facing personal and professional struggles. One of the biggest barriers to success isn’t strategy or mindset—it’s their relationships. No matter how much we try to compartmentalize, an unhappy marriage affects every area of life.
This article isn’t here to tell you what to do. Instead, it will help you understand why you may be staying in a relationship that no longer serves you. Once you understand your reasons, you can make intentional choices—whether that means working through the issues or finding the courage to walk away.
Let’s start with a truth that’s often easier to see in others than ourselves: we tend to downplay our struggles by comparing them to others’ worse situations.
Why Fictional Marriages Can Make Real Ones Feel Better
We’ve all seen it before—the kind of over-the-top drama that makes us laugh but also gives us a weird sense of comfort. My father was a fan of Married with Children. I vividly remember him watching it for hours on end, escaping into the ridiculous world of Al Bundy and his dysfunctional family. It was more than just a show to him; it was a way to make sense of his own life.
It’s funny how we’re drawn to stories that reflect our own struggles, even if in exaggerated, comedic ways. We laugh at the drama on screen, and for a moment, it feels like our own problems aren’t as bad—maybe even easier to handle. These shows, in their absurdity, can serve as a strange mirror to our own lives, reflecting the pain and the frustrations we don’t want to face head-on.
But here’s the kicker: as much as my dad immersed himself in the world of TV sitcoms, it didn’t change the reality he was living when the screen went dark. No matter how many hours he spent laughing at Al Bundy’s antics, he still had to return to an unhappy marriage that was slowly breaking him down. For nearly 25 years, my father stayed in that marriage, tolerating the dysfunction, until the day he couldn’t take it anymore and decided to leave.
So, the question I now ask myself—and one I ask you—is: Why do we stay in unhappy marriages? What keeps us hanging on to something that no longer serves us?
Nobody wants to feel like a failure, especially in the most important area of our life: who we choose as a life partner.
Why Is It So Hard to Leave an Unhappy Marriage or Partnership?
Reason 1: Safety in the Familiar
You know that feeling when you’re wrapped in a cozy blanket, or snuggled up with someone you love? You feel warm, safe, and secure. That’s because humans are wired for safety; it’s our superpower. But what happens when that sense of safety is tied to a relationship that’s no longer fulfilling? Suddenly, the familiar feels safe—even if it’s painful.
Imagine being in a marriage where the connection isn’t there, where things are tense, and every day feels like a struggle. The thought of not having that person around, though, brings up a flood of fear. You don’t want to be alone—and that’s okay. In fact, this fear is more common than we realize.
Research from the American Psychological Association shows that fear of loneliness and loss of security are among the top reasons people stay in unhappy relationships. It’s easier to ignore the problems than face the uncertainty of the future.
So, even when things aren’t going well, we hide our true feelings. We sweep things under the rug and wear a smile. Why? Because it’s easier to pretend everything is fine, and in the moment, it feels safer than facing the reality of change.
This is something many of us do, and it’s not a weakness. It’s human nature. But when we avoid facing our feelings to maintain that false sense of safety, it only keeps us stuck in a cycle of unhappiness.
Some folks steer clear of facing their feelings because they want everyone to see them as super successful and put together. And when we do this nobody, including ourselves, can see the full depth of our unhappiness.
Reason 2: Keeping Up Appearances
Imagine this: You’ve spent years building a life that looks perfect on the outside—successful career, beautiful family, a house to be proud of. The idea of admitting that your marriage is in trouble feels like a public failure. You don’t want to be judged. You don’t want to seem like you’ve messed up in front of others.
It’s like you’re wearing an invisible mask, pretending everything is fine, while underneath, the emotional walls are closing in.
According to a study by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, keeping up appearances is a significant factor in why people stay in unhappy relationships. The fear of judgment, shame, and embarrassment holds them back from acknowledging what’s really happening.
Someone once commented on my Twitter: “Admitting you’re not happy with your partner feels like admitting failure.”
And they’re not alone. So many of us stay in toxic relationships because we don’t want to appear as though we’ve failed. We want others to see us as strong, successful, and happy—even when we’re not. This fear of vulnerability often keeps us trapped.
Avoiding being vulnerable is especially common among those who grew up in families where being perfect and following the rules was the top priority.
Reason 3: Unspoken Rules from Childhood
Now, let’s dive deeper into why it’s so hard to break free. Many of us grew up in environments where emotions weren’t openly discussed. Parents may have told us things like, “Don’t complain,” or “Don’t air your dirty laundry,” making us feel like we weren’t allowed to express vulnerability. Vulnerability wasn’t seen as strength—it was seen as weakness.
It’s no surprise then, that when we find ourselves in troubled marriages, we revert to the coping mechanisms we learned as children. We avoid feelings of sadness, fear, or hurt because showing them feels like a violation of those early lessons.
A study by The Family Journal reveals that emotional repression in childhood often leads to difficulties in emotional expression as adults, particularly in intimate relationships. The impact of growing up in a home where “keeping it together” was valued above emotional honesty can lead to a lifetime of emotional suppression.
So, when your heart is telling you that something isn’t right in your marriage, you might ignore it. You might even justify it by thinking, “I just need to work harder at it,” or “It’s not that bad.” You stick to the rulebook, even when your soul is begging for honesty and change.
I discussed the difficulty of expressing feelings as a child in my Healing and Growing: Hand in Hand Podcast, where we explore the long-term effects of emotional suppression.
So, what does this all mean for you?
These patterns—fear of loneliness, shame, and emotional suppression—are the hidden truths that keep us stuck in unhappy relationships. But the most important thing I want you to take away from this is that you are not alone, and these struggles are common. It’s not a reflection of your failure, and it doesn’t make you weak. It just makes you human.
The next step is understanding that you have the power to make choices, whether that means taking steps to heal your relationship or finding the courage to walk away. Once you understand why you stay, you can break free from these hidden patterns and create a life that serves you.
So, ask yourself: Why are you staying in an unhappy relationship? Are you staying for comfort? To keep up appearances? Or because of old emotional rules you were taught as a child? Once you identify your reasons, you can begin making decisions that honor your truth.
Understanding Why We Stay in Unhappy Marriages: A Deeper Look
As I mentioned earlier, this article is not here to tell you whether you should stay or leave. That’s a deeply personal decision, and I’ve written other articles that can help guide you through that process.
For example, in Building Emotional Resilience Before Ending an Unhappy Marriage, I shared simple steps to help you prepare emotionally if you’re considering leaving. It’s all about building the strength you need to handle what lies ahead.
If you’re already at the point where leaving feels like the next step, I highly recommend reading Before You File for Divorce: What You Need to Know. It’s a thorough guide covering the legal, mental, and financial aspects of divorce, because leaving can be complicated and challenging in ways you may not have anticipated.
But in this moment, I want to offer some general advice for anyone waking up to the painful reality that they’ve been rationalizing dysfunction and pain for far too long. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day, convincing ourselves that things aren’t that bad or that we’re overreacting.
When you allow yourself to pause and reflect, it often becomes clear that there are deeper issues that need to be addressed. This process of realization can be uncomfortable but ultimately liberating—it’s the first step in reclaiming your emotional well-being and moving toward the future you deserve.
Now that we’ve explored the common reasons why we stay in unhappy marriages, it’s time to look deeper. Understanding the psychological and emotional barriers that keep us stuck is crucial if we want to move forward. It’s not just about knowing why—we need to uncover the real emotional hurdles that keep us from making a change.
What Keeps You Stuck? The Real Emotional Barriers
Understanding why we stay in unhappy marriages is just the first step. But often, knowing the reason isn’t enough. The truth is, there are deeper emotional barriers that keep us trapped. These barriers are not always visible on the surface. They’re often hidden in unacknowledged fears, unresolved pain, and past trauma.
For example, many people fear disappointment—not only from their spouse but from themselves. They fear that if they admit their marriage is failing, it means they’ve failed as a partner or a person. The shame can be so overwhelming that it feels easier to endure the pain rather than confront it.
Or perhaps the idea of starting over is terrifying. The uncertainty about the future, the fear of being alone, or the concern about how the separation will affect children can be paralyzing. These thoughts often make it feel as though staying—no matter how painful—is the safer option.
But here’s the truth: You are not alone in feeling this way. These emotional barriers are incredibly common, and acknowledging them is the first step to breaking free. When you understand what’s really keeping you stuck, you gain the power to face those fears and take back control of your happiness.
Recognizing these emotional barriers is empowering, but it’s only the beginning. In the next section, we’ll dive into the practical steps you can take to address these fears, face your truth, and begin reclaiming your peace of mind. It’s time to make a choice—not based on fear, but on the courage to choose a better future for yourself.
Final Thoughts
Recognizing and addressing emotional challenges in your marriage is not a sign of weakness—it’s a courageous and empowering step towards personal growth.
Acknowledge the truth, even when it feels uncomfortable. Healing starts when you allow yourself to face reality, not just in your relationships, but in every aspect of your life. Emotional well-being isn’t just vital for your personal life—it’s also critical for business success. When you care for your heart and mind, everything else starts to align.
If you’re in the process of making tough decisions about your relationship or contemplating a change, I want to hear from you.
This journey is not meant to be walked alone. I’m here to support you. Reach out if you’re struggling with the weight of this decision, whether it’s personal or professional.
I also invite you to listen to my podcast, where we discuss how to nurture emotional health, especially in tough relationships.
Remember: Asking for help is a sign of strength. Taking that first step towards support sets the foundation for lasting change. You deserve the clarity and peace that come from making empowered choices.
