You Don’t Trust Yourself—Here’s Why (And What To Do About It)
- Updated: May 16, 2025
You’re not indecisive.
You’re just tired of getting it wrong.
Tired of choosing the wrong people.
Exhausted from constantly saying yes when your gut said no.
Fatigued from looking confident on the outside—while quietly doubting every step.
As a healing and leadership coach, I’ve worked with countless clients who feel the same way: smart, capable, even accomplished—but haunted by a deeper self-doubt that won’t quit.
I get it.
I’ve lived it.
You can rebuild trust with yourself. But not with more “mindset hacks” or blind positivity.
It takes truth. It takes clarity. And it takes understanding why the mistrust is there in the first place.
In this post, I’ll break down where self-doubt comes from, what keeps it alive, and how to start rebuilding confidence from the inside out—the kind that doesn’t need approval to stand tall.
Let’s start with the truth.
Your Self-Trust Journey Map
When You Know It’s Wrong… But You Stay Anyway
Let me tell you the truth:
There was a time when I didn’t trust myself either.
I stayed at a job that was quietly destroying me—because the health insurance was good.
And I told myself, “Just hang in there. It’s stable. Be grateful.”
Meanwhile, the job was draining me so badly I needed therapy…
to survive the job that was paying for the therapy.
I spiraled. I got sick. My next decision? Numb myself with tons of alcohol.
Not because I was reckless.
But because I was scared.
Scared to leave.
Fearful to start over.
I did not believe I could actually choose something better for myself—and not get punished for it.
That’s the thing about self-doubt:
It doesn’t always show up as second-guessing.
Sometimes it shows up as settling.
As over-explaining.
As shrinking your life to fit inside someone else’s comfort zone.
If you’re stuck in something that’s slowly eating away at your energy—
whether it’s a job, a relationship, or a pattern—
you’re not broken.
You’re just scared.
And that fear makes sense.
The good news? You don’t have to stay there forever.
Let’s talk about why it’s so hard to leave—and how to rebuild trust with yourself from the ground up.
Three Reasons You Don’t Trust Yourself
Self-doubt doesn’t come out of nowhere.
It’s shaped by layers of experience—some subtle, some scarring.
If you’ve ever wondered why your confidence feels fragile (even after doing the “work”), here are three honest reasons many of us struggle to trust our own judgment:
1. You Were Taught to Seek Acceptance, Not Alignment
From a young age, many of us learned that approval was safer than authenticity.
We were surrounded by people—parents, teachers, mentors—who modeled hesitation, fear, or control. They didn’t mean to pass it down, but they did.
So we became excellent at shape-shifting.
We over-apologized, over-performed, and second-guessed ourselves to stay in good standing.
When someone constantly critiques your choices or questions your instincts, you begin to disconnect from your inner voice. Eventually, it’s not just that you don’t speak up…
It’s that you don’t know what you would say even if you did.
This isn’t because you’re weak.
It’s because your nervous system was trained to equate acceptance with safety.
2. You’ve Lied to Yourself to Survive
Let’s be real: we don’t always tell the truth.
Especially not to ourselves.
We say:
“It’s not that bad.”
“They didn’t mean it.”
“I’m just overreacting.”
But those aren’t reflections. They’re protections.
Because to name something as painful, abusive, or misaligned means we might have to change it.
And that threatens the fragile safety we’ve built.
When we lie to ourselves, we’re not being manipulative—we’re being adaptive.
But over time, those lies become walls. And they don’t just keep harm out—they keep healing out, too.
Psychologist Robert Firestone calls this “self-parenting”—when we internalize the voices that once shamed or minimized us, and start using them against ourselves.
The result? We don’t just doubt others. We doubt ourselves—even when we’re finally right.
3. Your Body Is Stuck in Survival Mode
Self-doubt isn’t always psychological.
Sometimes, it’s physical.
If your nervous system is dysregulated—due to chronic stress, trauma, burnout, or exhaustion—your body may interpret basic decisions as threats.
Even small choices can feel overwhelming.
You might struggle to:
Focus
Recall what you know
Make choices without looping over every possible outcome
This isn’t because you’re broken.
It’s because your system is overwhelmed.
Research shows that chronic stress impairs memory, emotion regulation, and executive function. Which means when your body is constantly on edge, you can’t think clearly even if your intentions are rock-solid.
So if you’ve been feeling “off,” indecisive, or strangely fragile—know this:
It might not be your mindset.
It might be your nervous system asking for a reset.
You’re not weak for struggling to trust yourself.
You’ve just been surviving.
Let’s talk about what it means to rebuild that trust—one brave, honest step at a time.
How to Start Trusting Yourself Again
Let’s not overcomplicate this.
Self-trust isn’t some magical mindset you unlock.
It’s a muscle.
You build it by showing up differently—especially when it’s hard.
Here’s how that starts:
1. Look Back Without Beating Yourself Up
You’ve made choices you regret.
We all have.
But self-awareness doesn’t mean replaying your failures like a punishment reel.
It means pausing long enough to ask:
What did that version of me need?
What was I afraid of?
What did I learn?
This is how you reclaim your wisdom—by recognizing that even your past mistakes were trying to protect you.
2. Name What Shaped You
If you’re struggling to trust yourself, it’s not random.
It’s rooted.
Start asking:
Who made me feel like I had to earn love?
What moments taught me that silence = safety?
Where did I first learn to doubt my gut?
Your life script didn’t write itself.
And once you know what shaped it, you can start rewriting it.
👉 Want to go deeper into this? Watch the me as a guest on the Soul Channel as I discuss how the past shapes our present.
3. Interrupt the Self-Drag
Those automatic thoughts—“I always mess things up,” “I can’t trust myself”—they’re not facts.
They’re echoes.
And you get to challenge them.
Instead of repeating your worst fears, try something softer:
“I’m learning how to choose myself—even if I’ve gotten it wrong before.”
This isn’t about toxic positivity.
It’s about interrupting the shame spiral with language that supports your healing—not shames it into silence.
And this isn’t just a pep talk.
Research shows that intentional self-talk can literally change the brain—strengthening the areas responsible for learning, memory, emotion regulation, and empathy.
4. Tend to Your Nervous System, Not Just Your Mind
You can’t affirm your way out of dysregulation.
If your nervous system is shot from stress, burnout, or trauma, decision-making will always feel high-stakes—even when it isn’t.
This is why grounding matters:
Breathing before responding
Putting your phone down before bed
Taking quiet walks without trying to optimize them
You’re not weak—you’re overloaded.
So give your system some space to exhale.
5. Audit Your Circle
If the people around you make you doubt yourself… it’s not you.
It’s them.
Surround yourself with people who:
Celebrate your growth
Don’t minimize your pain
Respect your process without rushing it
You don’t need a hype squad.
You need people who can hold your wins and your wobble.
6. Let Failure Teach—Not Define
You’re going to mess up. Again.
That doesn’t mean you’re back at zero.
Mistakes aren’t evidence that you can’t be trusted.
They’re just reminders that you’re still learning—and still trying.
Leaders who model growth create safer spaces.
They also model resilience.
Let that be you.
Final Thoughts: Trust Isn’t a Switch—It’s a Return
Rebuilding trust with yourself isn’t a one-time event.
It’s a quiet return to your own voice—again and again.
You might catch yourself spiraling.
Freeze before making a decision.
Wonder if you’ve really grown at all.
That’s not failure.
That’s awareness.
And awareness is the beginning of every honest shift.
You don’t have to rush.
Yes, you don’t have to prove anything.
All you have to do is keep showing up—with a little more compassion each time.
A question to sit with:
What does showing up for yourself look like today?
Not yesterday. Not in theory.
Today.
If you want support on this journey, I’d be honored to walk with you.
And if you’re not ready yet, that’s okay too.
Dig Deeper
If you’re ready to stop performing and start healing—for real—I’d be honored to support you.
💛 Work with me, Denise G. Lee – Together, we’ll untangle the deeper patterns holding you back and create clear, practical strategies that match you. No hype. No formulas. Just honest, personalized support.
👉 Explore working together
🎙️ Need something quieter to start with?
Listen to my podcast for grounded conversations on healing, leadership, and the messy middle.
👉 Introverted Entrepreneur – wherever you stream
💌 Want to share your story or ask a question?
I’d love to hear from you.
👉 Write me a note
And just in case no one’s reminded you lately:
Trust isn’t earned by perfection.
It’s built in the showing up.
In the choosing again.
In the grace you offer yourself every time you don’t run away.
