The Dangers of Codependency: How People-Pleasing Hurts You
- Updated: July 11, 2024
Can you relate to one of these statements?
- I just can’t say “no” – even if I know I can’t do it.
- They need me. Nothing gets done without me!
- I know he or she is using me for (fill in the blank), but I can’t help helping whenever they ask.
If you can relate to any of the comments above, we need to talk about people-pleasing, a symptom of codependency.
As an healing and leadership coach, I know many business owners aren’t where they need to be in their personal and professional lives because they are stuck on serving others to their detriment.
That’s why, in this article, we are going to talk about signs that you may have people-pleasing tendencies. This is important because we can’t solve a problem unless we see how it is hurting us.
But before we get into all of that, I want to share my own codependent story – I’m not perfect, and yes, I too have to be aware of how I have enabled people in a way that hurt everyone.
Denial – A Classic Sign of Codependency
Have you ever had a moment when you caught yourself in a moment of hypocrisy?
Yesterday, I was watching the TV show “My Cat from Hell” and experienced it full tilt.
The cat behavioralist named Galaxy told the owner of an obese and aggressive cat named “Mr. Fluffy” that the cause of his angst was due to the discomfort of weight on his joints.
The cat was big mad.
Despite this information, the owner would continue to give Mr. Fluff wet and solid treats throughout the day. Galaxy told the owner at least two times that she was not doing Mr. Fluff any favors.
While I was watching, I sat up high and said to the TV, “She’s an enabler!!!” and “Mr. Fluff could die because of her!”
After the program ended, I turned off the TV, and a voice popped into my head.
“Girl, you know you could have been just as bad as that lady.”
The voice was right. If I can quickly judge others for their faults, it usually indicates that there is something within me that needs further examination.
When you are suffering from codependency, enabling behavior has no bounds.
How many times have I found myself enabling old lovers?
Let me count the ways:
- making excuses for their bad behavior
- ignoring their mistreatment of me and others
- defending them
“It wasn’t THAT bad,” I told myself.
You or someone you know is doing a great job of enabling someone in your life.
It may not be a lover, but perhaps it is a friend/work associate that you know needs to be fired, but you keep covering for them.
Maybe it is a relative that you keep helping with their financial problems. You know the story better than me.
That being said, in the next section, we are going to talk about signs of codependency. Be honest with yourself as you read through each example. If you can identify something, it’s probably much bigger than you may think.
If you can quickly judge others for their faults, it usually indicates that there is something within you that needs further examination.
10 Signs You May Be Codependent
I have shared my story of codependency, but what about you or someone you know? Below is a list of signs that reveal enabling or codependent behaviors. This list is not presented in any particular order or rank.
Codependent Sign #1: Excessive Caretaking
You have to be the big momma or papa to everyone, from giving some extra cash to lying to people, all in the name of ‘helping.’ When you have a strong need to take care of others, it can not only distort their capabilities, but also harm your ability to advocate for your own needs and priorities.
Codependent Sign #2: Difficulty Setting Boundaries
Codependents often have trouble setting healthy boundaries, making it hard to say “no” or establish personal limits.
If you or someone you know is feeling stressed, anxious, or fearful, it could be due to the inability to say NO. Mastering the use of this tiny word will break you free from the craziness, unneeded stress, and discomfort.
Codependent Sign #3: Low Self-Esteem
Let’s be honest: all of us want to feel appreciated and cared for. It helps with our sense of identity and worth. However, what happens if you place your self-worth solely on what you do for others? That can be tricky because we cannot please or help everyone 24/7, leading to feelings of inadequacy when we cannot.
And to make it even worse, we might put ourselves in terrible situations because we think that we are unworthy or incapable of a having a life worth living. I talked about it in the post below.
👋🏾 Hey! Before you keep scrolling, I have a question for you:
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) July 11, 2024
Have you given up on living your best life because someone you loved hurt you or left you?
If that sounds like you, keep reading.
Too many of us:
-Don’t change careers
-Stay miserable alone or with someone we hate…
Codependent Sign #4: Fear of Abandonment
What happens if you were raised in a home where you only received attention when you “behaved well,” and lack of attention was a form of punishment? Odds are you may have received some type of childhood neglect or abuse. And the result of this are some serious abandonment issues you may struggle with as an adult.
As an adult, if you fear rejection or abandonment, it may be your mission to keep even the most dysfunctional people around you because the fear of abandonment is worse than the pain of rejection and isolation.
Codependent Sign #5: Lack of Personal Identity
When I was a teenager, I wanted to fit in with all the kids that I befriended. I learned about anime, acting – all things I didn’t care about, but it didn’t matter because I wasn’t alone.
You or someone right now is involved in activities that don’t even interest you. Someone you like said, “Hey – I am doing this,” and you said, “I’ll do it!” not because you enjoy it, but because it is the only time you can spend time with them. As a result, you don’t really know who you are because you are letting yourself be defined by others’ preferences and desires.
Codependent Sign #6: Denial of Problems
Codependents may downplay or ignore their own problems, instead of concentrating on those of the people they are close to. If you have to say, “It wasn’t bad,” know this – that stuff was real bad, and you may feel raw and bruised from it.
The road to recovery requires that you call it out for what it really was, without trying to edit or sanitize it into a neat and pretty package.
Codependent Sign #7: Difficulty with Conflict
With a fake, plastic smile, my former supervisor would say, “Nothing is wrong!” And I knew every time she said it, everything was wrong.
You or someone you know may avoid conflict and confrontation even when necessary to keep the peace. This creates a false aura about you because nobody is foolish – they can sense the tension between you and the situation.
It wasn't bad," know this – that stuff was real bad, and you may feel raw and bruised from it. The road to recovery requires that you call it out for what it really was, without trying to edit or sanitize it into a neat and pretty package.
Codependent Sign #8: Emotional Dependence On Others
I love cooking and did you know the best way to defrost anything is by soaking it in a water bath? By doing so, you can maintain a controlled temperature for the chicken and avoid dropping it to a dangerous temperature. The water also absorbs the temperature of whatever it is immersed in.
And just like a water bath, you or someone you know is so dependent on others that you immerse yourself in emotions of others. You may rely on others for your emotional well-being and feel anxious or lost without them.
Codependent Sign #9: Addictive Behavior
Some codependents may turn to substance abuse, eating disorders, or other addictive behaviors as a way to cope and that is completely understandable because it takes a lot of energy to lose your identity all in the name of trying to maintain an unhealthy relationship.
Codependent Sign #10: Difficulty Ending Unhealthy Relationships
You may find it hard to leave toxic or abusive relationships, as you feel a strong need to “fix” the other person. This tendency is especially strong if you were raised in a home where there was a substance abuse issue or one or both of your parents were controlling and manipulative.
Next, I will share what we can do to heal from this issue.
8 Practical Steps to Overcome Codependency and Reclaim Your Life
Here are some practical ideas for dealing with codependency. As you read this, please understand this is not a solo activity. You need to have accountability from someone (coach, counselor, or therapist ideally) to help you avoid slipping back into old habits.
Also, give yourself lots of patience, love, and compassion. You’ve spent a lot of time perfecting how to please others and not enough time loving yourself. It will take effort to unwind all those behaviors that worked well in the past when you were abused and are now actually hurting you as an adult. Okay, with all that said, let’s get into my tips.
Tip #1: Learn to Say “No”
Saying no is an essential part of setting healthy boundaries. It’s not always easy, but it’s important for protecting your time, energy, and well-being. Practice saying no to things that don’t align with your needs or values, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. A helpful way to gauge whether something is right for you is to ask yourself, “Will I regret this later?”
If the answer is yes, it’s a sign that saying no might actually be the best choice for you. It’s about honoring yourself and making decisions that support your emotional and mental health, rather than just going along with what others want or what seems easiest in the moment. The more you practice, the easier it will become to recognize what truly serves you—and have the courage to say no when needed.
Tip #2: Focus on Your Own Self-Care
Choose to make time for activities that make you feel good and boost your self-worth. For me, before I do anything, I take time for my prayer and devotional work, followed by exercise, and then I attend to my family’s needs. Once all that is done, I take care of my business activities. I prioritize taking care of myself so I can function well for the people who matter most in my life. But your life is different than mine. Make a routine that works for you. This could be exercise, hobbies, or spending time with supportive friends.
Tip #3: Develop Your Own Identity
Too many of us have literally sacrificed ourselves in the name of pleasing someone who was impulsive, irrational, and unsympathetic to our needs. As a result, we constantly tried to shapeshift ourselves into whatever they liked at the moment. That has to change. It’s time to discover who you really are. Try new activities or revisit old interests to discover what you truly enjoy, separate from others’ preferences.
Tip #4: Face Conflicts Head-On
Avoiding conflict is a common codependent trait. You may have worked overtime to avoid the explosive, combative, and unpredictable outbursts of people in your life. As a child, I vividly remember moments when my mother would rant for hours about how my father was a womanizing bastard. So, I quickly learned to avoid anything that could upset her. That set up a pattern of me avoiding expressing my wants or needs with others. I changed that pattern and so can you. Start addressing issues directly, even if it’s uncomfortable. This helps build healthier relationships.
Tip #5: Seek Professional Help
Given the complexity of codependency, seeking professional help can be incredibly valuable. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or trauma-informed coach—like myself—can provide personalized strategies that directly address your unique situation. They can also help you identify old patterns from your past that are still affecting your decisions today, giving you insight into what’s going on beneath the surface. Getting professional support can make the healing process clearer and less overwhelming.
Tip #6: Recognize Enabling Behaviors
Many of us have tried to turn a blind eye to things that weren’t right because we didn’t want to rock the boat. And if we’re honest with ourselves, some of us may have felt useful when we were constantly putting out the fires created by the addict or unhealthy person in our lives. But here’s the hard truth: enabling doesn’t help anyone—especially not you. It’s important to take a step back and ask yourself if you’re genuinely helping or just enabling unhealthy behaviors. Being honest with yourself is key to making changes that actually support your well-being.
Overcoming codependency isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a process that takes time, effort, and a lot of self-compassion. Be patient with yourself as you work through these changes.
Tip #7: Practice Emotional Independence
As I mentioned earlier, many of us got lost in trying to be whatever the other person needed us to be. We shapeshifted and adapted to their emotional needs, often forgetting where we ended and they began. The result? We were stuck on that emotional rollercoaster, constantly adjusting our mood and actions to keep them happy, avoiding their anger, or making sure they never felt upset. Now, it’s time to focus on managing your own emotions instead of taking on the responsibility of managing someone else’s. True emotional independence means feeling grounded and secure in yourself, regardless of what’s going on around you.
Tip #8: End Unhealthy Relationships
Ending toxic relationships can be one of the hardest things to do, especially if you’ve been in them for a long time. I often think of Rihanna’s song, Love the Way You Lie. Many of us end up in these unhealthy relationships because we’ve learned to cope with our inner turmoil by focusing on the chaos around us. The deep sadness, rage, or regret we feel might feel so overwhelming that staying in the relationship seems easier than facing those emotions. But remember: you can’t heal in the same place that hurts you. If a relationship is consistently draining or harmful, it might be time to seriously consider ending it, even if it feels difficult or impossible.
Remember, overcoming codependency isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s a process that takes time, effort, and a lot of self-compassion. Be patient with yourself as you work through these changes. I hope these tips were helpful. Below, you’ll find a summary of my advice. In the next section, I’ll share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
It’s important to remember that codependency is a complex issue and can manifest differently in individuals. If you recognize several of these signs in yourself and believe you might be codependent, seeking support from a therapist or trauma-informed coach with experience in codependency can be a valuable step towards healing and personal growth.
Balancing between being liked versus liking yourself shouldn’t have to be hard. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need my help.
What have you done to improve your sense of worth apart from another person? I’d love to hear from you. Use this link to share your story with me.
Dig deeper by listening to this episode from my entrepreneur podcast. Simply click here or press the play button below.
