Vulnerability: The Journey to Healing and Self-Discovery
Hello there, friend. This message is less of an article and more of a heartfelt letter. I have been thinking about my own personal journey and the obstacles that have prevented me from being vulnerable and seeking the help I deserve.
Even though I am a life coach for business owners, I am still am on a personal healing journey as well. That’s why I want to share with you the uncomfortable yet necessary process of sharing one’s fears in order to heal unresolved trauma and the shame that comes along with it.
What better way to do it than sharing how a parenting class taught me the process of healing comes in waves and layers? Even if we think we have “mastered it all,” how often do we realize that through community we can learn more?
There is a natural resistance to vulnerability
Recovering from anxiety, depression, compulsions, addictions, and trauma is anything but a walk in the park. The unvarnished truth is that while it can be enlightening and motivating, it is rarely straightforward.
Our brains, naturally inclined to dodge pain, put up formidable resistance to sharing our thoughts and showing vulnerability with others. Yet, within the discomfort and struggle lie the path to authentic growth and healing.
While it is scary to share feelings with others, it truly is the pathway to healing. I, for one, can attest to having squandered fifteen years avoiding my own issues -all because I was afraid of being rejected and abandoned. The irony of it all was my fear caused me to insulate myself further from others.
Even as I have faced the Goliath called sobriety through independent study, little did I know that there were many, many more obstacles towards learning and developing intimacy with others.
It is impossible to be vulnerable while being self-sufficient
One of the biggest obstacles to my recovery was learning to become less reliant on myself. I had to quit relying on myself and my own wisdom alone to get the healing that I know I deserved.
And for me, and maybe for you too, learning to feel safe with others will come in the most unlikeliest of places.
It can be challenging to feel safe around people, particularly when you have grown up around individuals who are not trustworthy.
How a parenting class helped me become comfortable with vulnerability
“Free pilot program designed for parents. Free childcare is available!”
I saw the headline flash across my inbox. My church initiated a pilot parenting program for families with young children. While I was excited by the prospect of free childcare, I wasn’t too thrilled about attending any kind of parenting class. (And especially not where I was expected to share my story with other people who I feared would judge me.)
Given my inflated sense of ego and my extensive knowledge of psychology, I didn’t think I needed a parenting class. However, sanity (and my husband) intervened, reminding me that waiting for a crisis before seeking support isn’t prudent.
Reluctantly, I enrolled for the pilot program, “Courageous Parenting.”
To be real with you, I don’t have a penchant for requesting assistance.
I’ve always been a “do-it-yourself-without-help-thank-you-very-much” kind of person. Yes, I’m the one who reads appliance manuals meticulously from cover to cover, even for everyday gadgets like my oven and washer/dryer. I crave knowledge and self-sufficiency. However, asking for help can be daunting for me.
Some of us grew up being the firefighter, police officer, doctor, mechanic or whatever else our family needed. As a result, it felt scary, if not unfamiliar, to ask someone for help.
Love and hope isn’t enough to raise a kid (or heal your own wounds)
It was a bit hard for me to ask for help, even though I thought I could handle things on my own. Despite spending a lot of time learning about myself and trying to be better through therapy and healing sessions, I still felt unsure about being a good parent.
I realized that just relying on love for my son and good intentions might not be enough to teach my son important values. It’s not just about my faith in Christ Jesus; it’s about making sure my child grows up with the right values.
To make sure we’re doing a good job, my husband and I are committed to a 1.5-year program to learn how to be better parents together. We believe that just hoping for the best isn’t as effective as getting proper guidance and support.
First day jitters in parenting school
“So, what’s your goal from this program?” asked Ron (not real name), my parenting teacher.
“I don’t want to see my kid become a headline on the front page news or be some random woman’s baby daddy,” I responded while shifting uncomfortably in a cheap folding chair.
Here I was in this parenting class with the only ambition that my kid doesn’t turn into a drunk or a sex addict like his momma. A pretty low bar considering all the other parent’s ambitions for their children is that their children don’t lose their faith as adults.
Again, I didn’t think I needed to be there, but an ounce of prevention is easier than a pound of cure. And the key had to include vulnerability with others.
I need to be here
In that uncomfortable folding chair, I tackled difficult conversations about intergenerational trauma, navigating the balance between allowing my son to explore and providing clear instructions regarding his faith, and the complexities of connecting with people from diverse backgrounds. I scribbled notes as the weight of responsibility pressed upon me.
I knew I needed to be there, even though fear tried to hold me back. I’ll be there next week and the week after, not for child, but also for myself.
The question I pose to you now is: Are you ready to embrace your fears and stand firmly for what truly matters to you?
Something to think about…
Seeking vulnerability in safe spaces
Let’s take a break from talking about me and focus on you. Here are some questions to think about:
- Are you not doing something that could help you because you’re worried about what others might think?
- How connected do you feel with others? Do you have a community (IN THE REAL WORLD) where you feel safe to share your thoughts?
I used to avoid being part of a community for a long time. The reason was because I didn’t want to be open and share my thoughts with others because I was afraid of feeling ashamed. I thought that if I talked about my feelings, it might bring me more problems.
Now, I understand that community and showing vulnerability about our thoughts is a normal part of life. To grow, we need to think about our feelings, even if it feels scary. For many people, facing past experiences and difficult times can be frightening. They might avoid thinking about their past to avoid feeling upset.
But avoiding our problems won’t make them go away, and it might even hurt the people close to us. The only way to move forward is to face these problems, accept our past, and start to heal. So, don’t avoid what will make you feel better in the long run.
I used to think I could only be friends with people who had dramatic lives like mine, but I've learned that's not true. Now I know I can learn from people with healthier backgrounds and still feel okay with myself.
With a little help from some healthy friends
It can be tough to find people who will listen and support us emotionally.
Even though society says we should be ourselves, it’s not always easy to share our struggles. Opening up about tough stuff like dealing with controlling parents, fear, or painful memories can make things awkward. But being honest about who we are is crucial for healing and growing.
I used to think I could only be friends with people who had dramatic lives like mine, but I’ve learned that’s not true. Now I know I can learn from people with healthier backgrounds and still feel okay with myself.
So, we can make and keep emotionally healthy friends on our journey to feeling better. The image below has some tips that will help you. In the next part, I’ll share my final thoughts about being vulnerability with others.
Final thoughts
Vulnerability is not an easy job, especially if you grew up in a pain-filled home.
You will need help with a professional who can help you to unravel the confusion and pain that came from your past. I suggest that you connect with a therapist or trauma-informed coach like myself to help you feel safer with yourself so that you can build healthier relationships with others.
You don’t have to go it alone
So if you’re ready to take the first step towards vulnerability, healing and growth, and want to work with me, I encourage you to contact me.
In the meanwhile, check out this episode from my podcast. It’s a great resource for anyone looking to confront and overcome their past trauma.
