Find Love with Emotionally Healthy People
- Published:
- Updated: January 30, 2025
Do you often wonder why you keep attracting toxic men or women into your love life? I get it, and as a healing and leadership coach, my goal is for you to feel happy and fulfilled, not just at work, but in every part of your life.
That’s why I talk so much about how to love and, just as importantly, who to love. Romantic relationships can be a source of joy, but when you’re with someone who emotionally drains you or keeps you from reaching your potential, that’s not love — that’s a barrier to your growth.
In this article, we’ll dive into how we might unknowingly attract the wrong partners and what we can do to shift that pattern. It’s all about healing, so you can find a relationship that brings out the best in you, not the worst.
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places?
Romantic relationships end for a multitude of reasons. Sometimes, it’s simply that two people aren’t a good fit anymore. Life goals shift, and priorities evolve, but even when those changes happen, settling for a partner with the mindset of “he or she will do” is a disservice to your worth. It’s not just about finding someone to fill a role—it’s about honoring who you are and what you deserve.
Speaking of injustice, does any of the following sound familiar when you reflect on your past romantic history?
- You dated someone who was far below your life and educational achievements because you couldn’t find any “good ones”?
- You constantly found yourself bailing them out of financial messes, offering your resources and time, only to receive nothing in return?
- Your friends and family couldn’t understand why you were still with them, and their concerns only seemed to push you further into isolation?
- Perhaps you’ve been in a relationship with someone you now recognize as having narcissistic, sociopathic, or even psychopathic tendencies, yet you couldn’t see it at the time?
- They were always evasive, dodging questions about their feelings, especially about you—leaving you in the dark and emotionally drained?
You Deserve Healthy Love
Many of us, at one point or another, end up chasing emotionally unavailable partners, only to find ourselves tangled in emotional turmoil down the line. As an experienced healing and leadership coach, I’ve seen firsthand how this pattern often stems from a deep-seated sense of unworthiness, inadequacy, or the overwhelming fear of being alone. We cling to people who don’t honor us because we’ve been taught that their attention, even if it’s flawed or conditional, is somehow enough.
But here’s the truth: You are enough. Today is a new day. The fact that you’re here, reading these words, shows that you’re ready to heal and leave that pain behind. This isn’t the end of the road; it’s the beginning of something better. Before you jump into your next relationship, give yourself permission to let go of the past. It’s okay to put yourself first, to focus on your healing and self-discovery. You don’t need to settle for someone who isn’t a match for your highest self. You deserve to be with someone who sees you, values you, and complements your life in a meaningful, fulfilling way.
In the next section, we will discuss how you can remove yourself from an emotionally toxic romantic relationship.
How to Break Toxic Habits and Build Healthier Relationships
Sometimes, we get stuck in situations because we don’t recognize what’s going on inside us or in our relationships. That’s why, in this section, I’m sharing six tips to help you notice these patterns and hopefully break free from unhealthy romantic relationships.
1) Open Your Eyes to the Pattern
It’s time to see the pattern in your relationships. Even if you don’t notice it at first, trust me, a part of you already knows. Maybe you find yourself asking, “Why do I always attract unqualified men or women?” Here’s the truth: You don’t attract them, you accept them.
It’s great to be forgiving and open-minded, but not at the cost of your well-being. Unavailable partners don’t put in the effort for you, so there’s no reason to keep giving your time and energy to people who don’t care enough to do the same for you. The sooner you recognize this pattern, the sooner you can begin changing it.
2) Never Ignore Red Flags
Let’s get real—no one is perfect, including you. But just because we’re all flawed doesn’t mean you should ignore things that are clearly wrong in a relationship. Healthy relationships involve compromise, but compromise doesn’t mean sacrificing your needs and happiness.
If you’re always giving in to every demand while your needs go unmet, that’s a huge red flag. If you’re begging for the bare minimum—like a simple apology or respect—and it never comes, it’s time to leave.
These partners will try to convince you they’re the best you can do, and that you’re asking for too much. Don’t fall for it. This is just them projecting their own insecurities. Trust me, there are plenty of good, healthy people out there, and you will find someone who meets your needs.
3) Watch Out for Love-Bombing
Emotionally unavailable people often use “love bombing” to confuse you about their commitment. This can be tricky because even the strongest and most independent people can get caught up in it. During the honeymoon phase, everything might feel perfect, but remember, love-bombing is often a sign of manipulation.
Here’s a checklist to help you stay grounded and avoid being swept up in the chaos:
- If they’re obsessed with you right away, wanting to know everything about you instantly, they’re rushing the process of building real intimacy. Healthy relationships take time to grow.
- If they’re showering you with extravagant gifts or attention, this can be a way to make you feel guilty if you don’t meet their demands later.
- If they’re pushing for a long-term commitment too soon, without really knowing each other, that’s a major warning sign. People who truly care will take time to build a strong foundation.
- If they’re constantly overwhelming you with affection, 24/7, and get upset when you need space, that’s not healthy. Love is important, but so is respect for your need for personal space.
- If they shower you with love but then withdraw when you say “no,” even to something small or trivial, be cautious. A healthy partner respects boundaries.
These behaviors might feel flattering at first, but they can quickly turn toxic if not addressed. Keep your eyes open, trust your gut, and remember: you deserve someone who values and respects you, not someone who manipulates your feelings.
Unless you truly love yourself, you won’t be able to receive love from someone reliable and stable.
4) Focus on Meeting Your Own Needs
Traumatized children often go to great lengths to meet the needs of others. This compensatory tactic allows them to give others what they didn’t receive in their upbringing. As a result, these individuals are more likely to be taken advantage of, particularly in romantic relationships.
If you can relate to this, understand that your strength shouldn’t only be spent helping others. It’s time to put yourself first and prioritize your own growth.
Focusing all your energy on one person isn’t just damaging to you, but also to them. It can hurt your self-esteem when your partner (sometimes rightly) asks for space, leaving you feeling isolated and lonely.
So, take time for yourself—find your true calling, pursue your passions, socialize, stay connected with friends, and cultivate a life outside of your romantic partnership.
5) Communicate Your Boundaries
There’s something incredibly powerful about vocalizing your boundaries. Doing so establishes a clear point of reference and helps you set expectations right from the start. Most importantly, it can save you from unnecessary heartache when someone falls short.
No matter what abusive relationships may have taught you, your core values are more important than any partner. If someone who claims to love you can’t respect your boundaries, how can they keep you happy in the future?
6) Don’t Be Afraid to Steer Away from Your ‘Type’
Finding a partner who truly clicks doesn’t always mean they check all the boxes on your list. While it’s okay to have a “type” and pursue qualities you’re drawn to, it’s important to realize that some of your criteria may be superficial, and this could be limiting your potential for finding a meaningful connection.
So, when it comes to choosing a partner, don’t be rigid about every single detail. Sometimes, the people who will love you most may not look or act exactly as you imagined. Love isn’t about instant attraction—it’s about patience, growth, and persistence. I hope this helps.
The image below sums up my tips. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Don’t be disheartened by your past. You can, and will, find the love that cherishes your feelings and respects your boundaries.
While you wait, this is the perfect time to build your confidence, so you can attract an emotionally available and caring partner.
Need more help? Let’s work together to understand the root causes of your past relationships and help you move toward a happier, more fulfilled life.
Dig Deeper: Learn more about how to build quality relationships with others. Press play on the button below to listen to this episode from my podcast.
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