Childhood Emotional Neglect: Finding a Way Forward
Growing up after going through childhood abuse can really stick with people, leaving them with their own set of wounds from what they went through.
As a coach for business owners, I’ve noticed that one aspect of this pain that often doesn’t get enough attention is how being ignored or not taken care of by our parents when we were kids affects us as grown-ups. This is form of child abuse is called neglect. And even though the past might not show on the outside, it really shapes how we feel about ourselves and the world.
In this article, we’re going to talk about childhood emotional neglect, how it makes us feel insecure and scared, and ways we can start to heal.
Let’s start by thinking about how you see your family memories now that you’re older. Surprisingly, it has a big impact on how you see yourself and how you’re doing mentally.
Reflecting on Bittersweet Childhood Memories
I have a confession to make. I don’t have any childhood photos of myself or my family. Maybe, when my parents die, I might find old photos of myself somewhere scattered in old shoeboxes in their homes. But for now, I don’t have a single photo. Partially, I don’t want to see them.
The photos I do remember seeing painted a very vivid account of my childhood emotional neglect. Most of those photos of me look like I’m taking a mugshot. My eyes are wide, and maybe I have a forced smile, but inside I feel cold, lost, and deeply afraid.
For many of us, we never really felt safe inside our homes or within ourselves because we were only taught to keep looking good and happy so that nobody would think badly of our parents.
Fuzzy Memories: Understanding the Impact of a Painful Childhood
But let’s step away from talking about actual photos and discuss our memories. For many of us who grew up in painful homes, we have scattered, disjointed memories or large gaps where we don’t even remember what happened. You might have a relative try to remind you of an incident, and you might not even remember. That is completely normal!
Our bodies will do something called dissociation where our body is present but our mind will completely blank out the memory or experiences because it was too painful to process or even understand.
The point of this section is to explain that when your mind has been deeply impacted by chronically stressful events, you may not even have a clear picture of the type of neglect you may have experienced as a child.
But be patient and don’t try to force yourself to remember everything. As you gain more clarity within yourself, you will get a better picture of yourself and your family.
Now, in the next section, we will define childhood emotional neglect.
To keep the "family" together, it requires a false sense of unity in masking, avoiding, denying, minimizing, intellectualizing, or suppressing one's feelings.
What is Childhood Emotional Neglect?
Childhood emotional neglect can happen in lots of different ways and can affect kids in different ways too. Here are some ways:
Emotional Withdrawal: This is when caregivers don’t show much emotion or don’t seem interested in how a child feels. Even if they’re around physically, they might not give kids the emotional support and understanding they need.
Invalidation: This is when adults don’t take a child’s feelings seriously. They might brush off what a child feels, make them feel like their feelings aren’t important, or just ignore them. This can make a child feel like their emotions don’t matter, which isn’t good for their emotional health.
Neglect of Emotional Expression: Some adults might not like it when kids show their feelings. Or maybe only certain emotions were okay. For example, they might tell them to stop crying or to toughen up. This can make it hard for kids to understand and deal with their emotions as they grow up.
Lack of Empathy: If adults don’t try to understand how a child feels or doesn’t seem to care about their emotions, it can make a child feel really alone and unimportant.
- Emotional Inconsistency: When adults react differently to the same situation or change their emotions suddenly, it can be confusing and upsetting for kids. They might find it hard to know how to feel or how to act.
Overemphasis on Independence: While it’s good for kids to learn to do things on their own, if adults push too hard for independence and don’t give enough emotional support, it can leave kids feeling neglected emotionally.
Boundary Issues: Sometimes adults might not respect a child’s personal emotional space. They might get too involved or not set clear emotional boundaries, which can make a child feel overwhelmed or ignored.
Neglect of Psychological Development: If adults don’t give kids the chance to learn about their emotions and how to handle them, it can stunt their emotional growth and make it harder for them to cope with feelings as they get older.
8 Consequences of Childhood Emotional Neglect for Adults
Our past hurts are like raw, festering wounds that scab over but never truly heal. Sometimes, those scabs get torn off, revealing not a healed wound but the same painful sore underneath.
-paraphrase from “Making Peace with Your Past” by H. Norman Wright.
When kids don’t get the emotional care they need while growing up, it can cause problems when they become adults. Here’s how:
1. Feeling bad about themselves
Adults who didn’t get enough love and care as kids might feel like they’re not good enough. They might always need other people to tell them they’re doing okay.
2. Having trouble controlling their feelings
When kids don’t learn how to handle their emotions well, it can stick with them as adults. They might have a hard time understanding and expressing their feelings in healthy ways, and this could lead to sudden mood swings or big outbursts.
3. Struggling with close relationships
If someone didn’t feel loved enough as a kid, they might find it tough to get close to others as grown-ups. They could have trust issues and worry about getting hurt, making it hard for them to connect with people on a deep level.
4. Keeping to themselves
Adults who didn’t get enough emotional support as kids might learn to hide their feelings and stay away from others. This can make them feel lonely and make it tough to make real friendships.
5. Dealing with mental health stuff
Growing up without enough emotional care can make adults more likely to have problems like feeling sad all the time, worrying too much, or even having flashbacks of bad stuff that happened when they were kids.
6. Having a hard time setting limits or boundaries
If someone didn’t learn how to stand up for themselves as a kid, they might struggle with it as an adult too. They might not know how to tell others what they need, and they might let people treat them badly.
7. Trying to be perfect
Some grown-ups who didn’t feel loved enough as kids might try super hard to be perfect. They might set really high goals for themselves and be super hard on themselves if they don’t meet them.
8. Saying mean things to themselves
Adults who didn’t get enough love and care as kids might keep thinking bad stuff about themselves. They might have a little voice in their head that tells them they’re not worth it.
All these things from childhood can stick with people and make life as an adult harder. It’s important for adults who went through this to get help and talk to someone about it. In the next section, we will talk about how you can heal from childhood emotional neglect.
We base our life script on our early messages. We are all good little children and obediently accept what “they” tell uses truth. It would be very easy just to blame our parents and be victims for the rest of our lives. But that wouldn’t be much fun, and it certainly wouldn’t get us out of our stuck position.
– Excerpt From “You Can Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay
Finding Healing from Childhood Emotional Neglect
Healing from all this hurt takes time and effort.
One way is to start by acknowledging that what we went through was real and it affected us. It’s okay to feel hurt or angry about it. Finding someone we trust to talk to, like a therapist, coach like myself or a supportive friend, can really help. They can listen without judgment and help us make sense of our feelings.
Another thing we can do is to practice self-care. This means doing things that make us feel good, like spending time with loved ones, exercising, or pursuing hobbies we enjoy. Taking care of ourselves reminds us that we’re worthy of love and attention. I hope these tips help. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
If we recognize how those experiences affected us and try to change our negative thoughts, we can make our lives happier and more fulfilling.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with life after being hurt as a kid can be really tough, especially if you felt ignored or judged a lot. But if we recognize how those experiences affected us and try to change our negative thoughts, we can make our lives happier and more fulfilling.
Just remember, you’re not going through this alone. If you’re having a hard time and need my help, don’t be afraid to ask for help. I’m here for you whenever you need support.
If you want to learn more about dealing with these kinds of challenges, check out the latest episode of my podcast. It might give you some helpful ideas and ways to grow and feel better.
