How to Heal from Emotional Incest & Restore Your Well-Being
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Have you ever found yourself struggling to meet your parents’ expectations, and feeling like you’re never quite good enough? It’s tough to balance respecting your parents’ wishes with taking care of your own needs and feelings.
But don’t worry – you’re not alone! As an entrepreneur coach, its is my job to help you work through challenges that are preventing you from success in all areas in your life.
So if you’ve grown up in an environment where you feel guilty or ashamed for not living up to your parents’ expectations, you might be a victim of emotional incest. In this article, we’ll discuss emotional incest and give you some tips for boosting your self-worth. So take a deep breath, and let’s get started!
The worst scars aren't the ones you can see, but the emotional wounds that you cannot explain nor rationale the cause.
What is Emotional Incest?
Emotional incest, also known as covert or psychological incest, happens when a parent crosses emotional boundaries with their child. While it doesn’t involve physical or sexual abuse, it can still seriously harm the child’s emotional health and development.
If you grew up in a family where one person was in charge and treated others as if they had to obey without question, you might have experienced emotional incest.
Another example is when someone in the family was sick, and you were told to “watch what you say” or “don’t argue with them, even if they were mean to you.” This too is emotional incest.
Next, let’s explore how emotional incest affects different family members and the ways it impacts families as a whole.
Who is Hurt the Most by Emotional Incest?
Emotional incest affects the whole family, hurting both the abuser and the victim. It can make it hard for everyone involved to solve problems and understand their responsibilities.
My client Sally (not real name) grew up with an alcoholic mother. As a child, she wrongly thought her mom’s late bill payments were her fault. Sally took on multiple after-school jobs to help, but her mom’s irresponsible behavior only got worse.
This caretaking pattern continued with her no ex-husband who drained away her retirement on hookers, booze and drugs. It wasn’t until her accountant notified her about her dwindling funds did she realize that taking care of everyone came with a high costs.
I recommend reading “It’ll Never Happen to Me!” by Claudia Black. It’s a great book that explores the long-term effects of growing up with emotionally troubled adults.
What Causes Emotional Incest?
In emotional incest, a parent seeks emotional support, companionship, and validation from their child. The parent might depend on the child to meet their emotional needs, treating them as a confidant, surrogate partner, or source of intimacy.
This form of incest occurs when a parent is emotionally unavailable or lacks appropriate adult relationships, leading to an inappropriate reliance on their child to fill the void.
I grew up under the influence of two emotionally disabled individuals. My mother sought solace in me, both physically and sexually, while my father relied on me for mental support. This overwhelming combination had a profound impact on my perception of love and relationships.
Still wondering if you were a victim of emotional incest? Below are some signs that you were abused during your childhood.
Signs of Emotional Incest
Some common signs and characteristics of emotional incest include:
Role reversal
The child is placed in a role that is more akin to a partner or emotional confidant, rather than a child. The parent may share intimate details about their personal life, relationships, or emotional struggles with the child.
My valued client, Rachel (not real name), holds poignant recollections of her mother sharing the details of Rachel’s father’s past and ongoing amorous adventures. Throughout countless hours, Rachel found herself entrapped in the night, as her mother tearfully recounted each tale that a young girl could not fathom.
Emotional enmeshment
There is a lack of boundaries between the parent and child, resulting in emotional fusion. The child may feel responsible for the parent’s emotional well-being or experience an unhealthy level of emotional dependence on the parent.
My client David (not real name) quickly discovered his talent for bringing laughter to the household. In moments of turmoil caused by his unruly older brother, David would employ his wit to inject humor into the midst of shouts and cries reverberating throughout the house. As an adult he struggled with sadness because he learned as a child to ignore his painful feelings. And behind the sadness was profound shame.
If you grew up in a family with secrets, lies, and abuse, it’s normal to feel ashamed of yourself. You feel nothing you can do, despite the best of your efforts can change things. I wrote about the cause of shame more in the social media post I wrote below.
When you have grown up in a family where there is secrecy, lies and abuse, feeling SHAMEFUL about yourself is normal.
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) July 9, 2024
And shame isn't the same as guilt.
Guilt = Wanting to repair wrongs for what has been done.
Shame = Feeling wrong for who you are.
Your parents or whoever…
Neglect of the child’s needs
The emotional focus is primarily on the parent’s needs, leaving the child’s emotional needs unmet or unrecognized. The child may suppress their own emotions or develop a sense of guilt or shame for expressing their own needs.
Oftentimes, individuals who have been conditioned to disregard their emotions often evolve into relentless workaholics striving for perfection. They have mastered the art of disregarding their innate needs and emotions in pursuit of achieving exceptional results.
Inappropriate or non-existent boundaries
The parent may invade the child’s privacy, overstep physical boundaries, or create an overly enmeshed relationship that prevents the child from developing their own sense of identity and autonomy.
The effects of emotional incest can be long-lasting and detrimental to the child’s psychological development. Children who experience emotional incest may struggle with intimacy, boundaries, trust, and the formation of healthy adult relationships. They may also experience feelings of guilt, confusion, and low self-esteem.
Healing from emotional incest is a deeply personal and complex process. It often requires time, self-reflection, and support from trusted individuals or professionals. While everyone’s healing journey is unique, here are some general steps that can be helpful as you recover:
How to Heal From Emotional Incest
1) Recognize That It Happened
You can’t fix something you don’t want to admit happened to you. And sadly, too many people succumb to compulsions and addictions in order to push away the pain from their past.
If you want to heal and live an authentic life, you must understand how emotional incest during your childhood impacted your life. By validating your experiences and recognizing the inappropriate dynamics, you are taking the first step towards healing and reclaiming your emotional health.
2) Create Boundaries
Too many of us who had emotionally disabled parents were the caretakers of the emotional and in some cases spiritual and physical needs our parents. And because of that our parents and frankly, everyone around us took our ability to shoulder responsibility for granted.
And as an adult, your relatives may:
- Arrive at your home without notice and tons of complaints.
- Always find the need to talk about things and issues that frustrate and annoy you.
- Demand that you continue to help them financially and emotionally.
No wonder why you may feel drained and exhausted now. And in order to fix that you need boundaries with any unsafe relative.
Not only will boundaries help preserve your energy and wellbeing, it will teach your emotionally disabled parent or relatives that how they are behaving is not helpful nor healthy. Yes, you don’t to save them. They can learn to save themselves. And now you can still enjoy their company without feeling guilty or shamed.
Read, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents” by renowned author Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD. In this book you will gain invaluable insights on establishing healthy boundaries with your biological parents as an adult.
3) Take Better Care of You
Too many of us childhood survivors of emotional incest learned early own from our parents that our needs came second to theirs. And because we were not taught differently, we believed it.
We may have:
- Ignored signs our body needed rest
- Used drugs, television, sugar and unhealthy relationships to dull the pain
- Rarely exercised or ate nutritious foods
- Went through chaotic cycles were either starved ourselves, exercised fanatically or overslept
Self care puts an end to all of that. Now you will use your body to help your mind to heal. Here are a few suggestions to help you prioritize your own needs, emotions, and self-compassion:
- Exercise more. Whether it’s going for a run, practicing yoga, or even dancing to your favorite tunes, physical activity releases endorphins that can boost your mood and reduce stress.
- Spend time in nature. Take a walk in the park, hike a trail, or simply sit by a lake. Connecting with the natural world around you can help reduce stress and provide a sense of tranquility.
- Start a meditation routine. Take a few moments each day to sit in a quiet space, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. This simple practice can help reduce anxiety and improve overall emotional well-being.
4) Claim Your Identity
Emotional incest robbed you of your uniqueness in order to satisfy the inappropriate desires of a parent or parent figure. They didn’t know their behavior was wrong. While we can’t change them – we can change how you view yourself today.
Now is the time to figure out who you really are. Embrace your inner child by figuring out who you are. You can try painting, writing or any type of activity that involves your sense of curiosity and creativity.
5) Develop Healthy Relationships
Find friends and loved ones who respect your boundaries and offer emotional support. Build healthy relationships based on respect, trust, and open communication. Learning to trust and form healthy connections with others is a key part of healing.
These supportive people will encourage you to set healthy boundaries and protect your emotional space. They will help you handle life’s challenges, giving you a safe place to grow and heal.
Learning to trust and connect with others might be scary at first, but it is essential for your healing. These relationships will provide a strong foundation for your emotional growth, allowing you to enjoy real human connections.
6) Practice forgiveness and self-compassion
While we understand that past pain cannot be erased, holding onto it will not benefit you or your future. It is important to practice forgiveness, both for yourself and your abuser. This does not mean condoning their behavior, but rather recognizing that they lacked the necessary tools to properly parent you.
As you work towards forgiveness, remember to include yourself in this healing process. Nurturing self-compassion is crucial for your own well-being and success. Be gentle with yourself, acknowledge that the emotional incest was not your fault, and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.
Final Thoughts
It’s important to note that emotional incest is a complex and sensitive topic, and professional support from a therapist or coach like myself who specialize in trauma and family dynamics can be beneficial for individuals who have experienced emotional incest or suspect they may have.
Remember, healing is a gradual process, and it’s normal to have ups and downs along the way. Give yourself time and patience as you navigate your healing journey, and get support if needed.
Ready to take a deeper dive in healing from incest and/or intergeneration trauma? In this podcast episode, learn more about how trauma impacts not just a family, but a culture. Listen to it here or click the play button below.
