Mastering the Art of Saying No
“I just want them to like me!”
How many times have we said that to ourselves, even when we knew we were doing things we should reject? As a healing and leadership coach, I know how important it is to master the art of saying no. This skill can make a huge difference in your success and happiness as a leader or business owner.
That’s why in this article, we’ll talk about:
- Why we struggle to be honest with others and ourselves
- Why rejecting things that don’t serve you is important personally and professionally
- Practical tips to get better at it
First, let’s talk about the reasons why we struggle to reject things, and sometimes people, that don’t serve us well.
Why We Struggle To Reject Things (and People)
Confession: I wasn’t exactly the cool kid… like, ever in my life. I made a habit of going and doing things that were strange, even to me at times.
Let me share some examples. I was the awkward kid who thought it was cool to go to the Army Ranger Surplus store. But before that, I was the one who went to Anime conventions with friends even though I wasn’t even into anime.
Things didn’t quite change even during early adulthood. My college education was built on the back of people-pleasing and shape-shifting myself into whatever my mentors wanted.
I started computer science because, “Everyone in my family was involved in some type of science work!” Then when I changed it to Environmental Science (even though I wasn’t even an environmentalist), I told my career counselor, “The planet is worth protecting!” Thankfully, I had the bravery to break away from a career that was a total mismatch to my interests and do what I love to do now.
So... Why Do We Struggle with Saying No?
At this point, you’re thinking, “What does this have to do knowing how to reject things that don’t serve them well?” Great question! Here are the reasons why people struggle with saying no to things and people that don’t feel like a good fit:
- Fear of hurting others’ feelings
- Concern about damaging relationships
- Worry about being perceived as rude or unkind
- Anxiety about potential conflict or confrontation
- Fear of missing out on opportunities
- Desire to avoid guilt or regret
- Concern about social repercussions or isolation
- Fear of retaliation or negative consequences
- Discomfort with disappointing others
- Worry about being judged negatively
- Anxiety about making the wrong decision
- Fear of appearing selfish or inconsiderate
- Concern about burning bridges
- Worry about future regret or second-guessing oneself
- Desire to maintain harmony or avoid tension
I know, it’s a long list. And the crazy part is, this list isn’t even complete. You could probably tell me many reasons why you might rather be upset with yourself for doing things you don’t like, instead of saying no to someone you care about. Sometimes, you don’t even like them! It’s tricky, especially if you had a painful childhood.
Learning to say no isn't selfish; it's an act of self-respect and a crucial step towards living an authentic, fulfilling life.
Why It’s So Hard to Say No: Understanding the Roots of Your Fear
For many of us, the fear of saying no comes from a mix of social conditioning, past experiences, and personal values. That’s why I focus a lot on helping people understand their life script. You can’t change what you don’t understand.
For too many of us, the hesitation to say no or disagree can lead to full-blown codependency, where we always put others’ needs before our own. I’ll explain the cost of this in more detail. Just know that trying to avoid someone’s emotional outburst by being overly agreeable does you more harm than good.
When you are desperate to please others, ignoring what your mind, body, and soul are screaming at you to stop, but you still keep plowing through no matter what, you are betraying yourself.
And the cost of doing so is high.
Higher than you could ever imagine. Let me count the ways:
The Price of Failing to Reject Things and People That Should Be Let Go
- Emotional exhaustion: Constantly suppressing your true feelings leads to burnout and emotional fatigue.
- Loss of identity: You may lose touch with who you really are and what you truly want in life.
- Strained relationships: Ironically, trying to please everyone often results in superficial connections rather than genuine bonds.
- Missed opportunities: By saying yes to everything, you may miss out on things that truly matter to you.
- Physical health issues: Stress from constant people-pleasing can manifest in physical symptoms like headaches, insomnia, or digestive problems.
- Reduced self-esteem: Consistently prioritizing others’ needs over your own can erode your self-worth.
- Career stagnation: In a professional context, inability to say no can lead to overcommitment and underperformance.
- Financial strain: Taking on too much or agreeing to unfavorable terms out of fear of rejection can impact your finances negatively.
- Time poverty: Saying yes to everything leaves little time for self-care, personal growth, addiction/trauma recovery, or pursuing your own passions.
- Resentment: Over time, you may develop resentment towards others and yourself for not setting boundaries.
You might be thinking, “Come on, it’s not that serious!” as you read the list above.
But here’s the thing – you’re reading this article right now instead of watching funny cat videos on social media. That says a lot. It shows that deep down, you know something’s not quite right.
Remember, learning to say no isn’t selfish; it’s an act of self-respect and a crucial step towards living an authentic, fulfilling life. Let’s dig in deeper as to why denial does more harm than good.
How Denial of Our Situation Prevents Us From Saying No
When we are brave enough to bail when it feels bad, we will intuitively know when it feels great—each and every time.
But here’s the catch: denial often gets in the way. It’s like a trick our mind plays on us, convincing us to ignore what feels off. Instead of facing the truth, we rationalize, excuse, and overcommit. We wear blinders to avoid the discomfort of reality, clinging to things that no longer serve us.
As Gail Sheehy explains in Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life, “At all costs, any parts of our personality that might interfere with our chosen ‘one true course in life’ must, for the time being, be buried.” That denial keeps us tethered to situations, people, or commitments that drain us instead of freeing us to make better choices.
When we recognize this pattern and allow ourselves to say no, we reclaim our energy and respect. That’s the moment we truly begin to heal, grow, and lead.
I also talked a bit about it in the social media post below. Click the link below to join in on the conversation!
Question: Do you hate bailing on commitments?
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) November 18, 2024
I do. Badly.
I’m the kind of gal who will walk through fire just because I agreed to sign up.
But then there was this situation with a therapist where I realized, Oh no… this lady is scary and self-absorbed.
Even then, my mind…
So when we are busy, trying to impress and “handle things,” we can’t see how busy or stressed we really are. So we keep piling more and more onto our plates, thinking we can handle it all. But in reality, we’re stretching ourselves too thin.
Facing the Reality of Saying “No”
This denial thing is sneaky. It makes us think we’re in control when we’re actually losing grip. It’s time to take off those blinders and really look at what’s going on. Only then can we start saying no to the stuff that’s not serving us well.
Remember, it’s okay to admit when things are getting too much. That’s the first step to making things better. As you get better at saying no, you’ll likely notice several positive changes:
- More time and energy for what truly matters to you
- Less stress and overwhelm
- Improved relationships built on honesty and respect
- Greater confidence and self-respect
- Better work quality and business results
These benefits add up over time, leading to greater satisfaction in your personal life. I hope you’re nodding your head as you read this again, thinking, “Yes! Denise, I need to stop people-pleasing!” If you are, great! But for those who still need more convincing, the next section will explain how saying no can improve our productivity at work.
Why Saying No Helps You At Work
As a leader and business owner, you need to be at the top of your game and saying yes to everyone and everything is not going to help you. Here is why you need to say no to protect not just your sanity but your bottom line.
The Importance of Saying No for Business Owners
For entrepreneurs and business owners, mastering the art of saying no is especially important. Here’s why:
- It protects your time and energy for what really matters (this is especially important if you are in trauma recovery)
- It helps you stay focused on your goals and vision
- It prevents you from overcommitting and underdelivering
- It allows you to maintain high quality in your work
Let me share a story that proves my point.
The Story of Sarah and the Power of No
Sarah owned a small marketing agency. One day, a potential client approached her with a huge project. At first glance, it seemed like an amazing opportunity — the project was big, the client was well-known, and the money was tempting. But as Sarah dug deeper, she realized that the project had tight deadlines, required services she didn’t specialize in, and would stretch her team too thin.
Her gut told her it wasn’t the right fit. Yet, Sarah hesitated to say no. The thought of losing out on such a big project made her feel anxious. What if another opportunity like this didn’t come around? After much reflection, she decided to turn the project down. She politely explained to the client that her agency couldn’t deliver the level of quality and attention the project deserved within the timeline.
At first, Sarah felt nervous about her decision, but within weeks, she saw the benefits. Her team was able to focus on their core clients, deliver excellent results, and even attract new projects that aligned perfectly with their strengths. By saying no, Sarah protected her business from being overwhelmed, kept her team happy, and maintained the high standards her agency was known for.
Just like Sarah, as a business owner, you’ll face many requests and opportunities. Not all of them will align with your goals or values. Learning how to reject the ones that don’t fit is key to your success and sanity.
I hope this shows how saying no not only helps protect your sanity but also keeps you focused on what matters most. Now, here’s the fun part—putting these ideas into action. In the next section, we’ll talk about some simple ways you can set boundaries to protect both your time and your peace of mind.
Setting Boundaries: A Simple Guide
Learning how to say no is all about setting good boundaries. Here are some easy tips to help you:
- Know your limits: Think about what you’re okay with and what you’re not. What are your top priorities? What’s a hard no for you?
- Communicate clearly: When you say no, be direct but kind. You can explain your reasons, but don’t feel like you have to over-explain or make excuses.
- Stay firm: Once you’ve decided, stick to it. If someone pushes back, calmly repeat your answer.
- Show empathy: Try to see things from the other person’s side. This helps you say no in a respectful and kind way.
Remember, setting boundaries takes practice. Start with small steps, and over time, it’ll get easier.
Using No in Personal and Work Life
The power of saying no isn’t just for work—it matters in every part of life. Whether it’s family, social events, or business, knowing when to say no helps you stay in control. In your personal life, saying no might look like:
- Turning down an invite to an event you don’t really want to go to
- Setting limits with family members who ask for too much of your time
- Choosing not to take on extra tasks that will stress you out
In your work life, it could mean:
- Saying no to a project that doesn’t fit your business goals
- Turning down a client who isn’t right for you
- Refusing to lower your standards or values
The key is to make decisions based on what’s important to you, not out of guilt or fear of missing out.
How you say no is just as important as saying it. A clear and respectful no is usually well-received.
Changing How You See No
Many of us think saying no is bad. We don’t want to upset people or miss out on chances. But it helps to see no as a good thing. When you say no to one thing, you’re saying yes to something else. You’re choosing to focus on what truly matters. This could be:
- Your health and well-being
- Quality time with family and friends
- Focusing on your most important work
- Following your passions and dreams
When you think about it this way, saying no becomes a way to take care of yourself and live with intention. It’s about making room for what matters most to you.
How to Say No Kindly
Knowing how to say no kindly is an important skill. I say kind instead of nice because when we are focused on just trying to be liked, we end up usually not liking ourselves. That being said, here are some tips to be clear about your wants but having concerns about others:
- Be clear and direct: Don’t leave room for confusion. A simple “No, I can’t do that” works best.
- Give a brief reason (if needed): You don’t owe anyone a long explanation, but a short reason can help soften the no. For example: “I can’t take on that task because I’m already busy.”
- Offer an alternative (if possible): If you want to help, you can suggest another option. For example: “I can’t make the meeting, but I’d be happy to review the notes.”
- Don’t apologize too much: It’s okay to say “sorry” once, but don’t overdo it. You have the right to say no.
- Stay firm: If they push back, calmly repeat your decision. You could say, “I understand, but my decision is final.”
How you say no is just as important as saying it. A clear and respectful no is usually well-received. My tips on how to kindly say no are summed up in the image below.
Next, I’ll share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Mastering the skill of saying no takes time and practice. Start small, and be patient with yourself. Every time you say no to something that doesn’t help you, you’re saying yes to your priorities, health, and success. It’s a powerful way to shape the life and business you want.
As a life coach for executives, I help leaders learn important skills like this. If you need more help, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.
And don’t forget to listen to my podcast, The Introverted Entrepreneur, with new episodes every Monday and Wednesday.
Start saying no today, and see how it changes your life and business for the better.
