Work Spouses, Porn, Secret DMs: How High Performers Normalize Betrayal
- Updated: July 8, 2025
If you’re looking for a permission slip for why you’ve got an office f**k buddy (yeah, I won’t spell it out) — or you think it’s harmless to dump your secrets on your team while building walls at home — this ain’t it. Click out now.
But if you’re ready to face why betrayal feels so normal — and wonder if your relationship can even be repaired — stay.
I’m not your marriage therapist. I’m the mirror for leaders who want to stop lying to themselves first.
This is where real healing starts. Keep reading.
Rip This Open: What’s Inside
The Ways We Cheat
Let’s not dance around it. You’re grown — you know when you’re crossing the line.
Cheating isn’t always a hotel room or a naked body. It’s the ways you lie with your time, your phone, your attention — and the secrets you swear are harmless because “we’re just friends.”
When I was in my twenties, I didn’t get it either.
I had married contractors who’d take me out to lunch, tell me how irreplaceable they were at work, how misunderstood they were at home — and there I was, flattered, eating free pad thai, oversharing my latest mess with men.
I didn’t know I was the emotional companion they wouldn’t be honest with their wife about.
My dumb ass thought it was just lunch.
Is that you now?
Are you taking some bright young thing out for happy hour? Lunches that “don’t mean anything”? You’re not asking for a hotel room — so you think it’s fine?
Keep telling yourself that — while your real relationship rots behind the bravado.
Here’s how it really shows up when you’re a high performer with more excuses than honesty:
The work spouse: The teammate you vent to about your partner — while you drip-feed intimacy you won’t give at home.
Secret DMs: Flirty messages you’d never show your spouse — emojis, inside jokes, blurred lines.
Porn & OnlyFans tabs: You say it’s “not real cheating,” but your real relationship starves while you feed a screen.
Sexting “it didn’t mean anything”: College intern. Ex on social. Industry peer. Convenient. Hidden.
Late-night confessions: Hotel bar talks that slip from “just venting” to touching knees under the table.
Emotional unloading: Telling your side piece what you’d never tell your partner — not for healing, but for escape.
Shared secrets & secret spending: Money, gifts, hush trips. If your spouse can’t see the statement, you’re hiding betrayal in plain sight.
It’s not about whether it got physical. It’s whether you built a door behind your partner’s back — and slipped through it every time you felt bored, resentful, or entitled to something more.
Who’s Cheating
You want to feel special? You’re not.
You’re part of a club a lot bigger than you think — but that doesn’t make it noble, smart, or harmless.
Here’s what the numbers say 👇
Workplace affairs are shockingly common: about 30 % of affairs begin with a coworker.
High-profile leaders cheat more — power, ego, travel, late dinners: your success trumps your integrity.
One investigator reveals police, firefighters, military, and business executives are among the top offenders — up to 63 % of police confessed to infidelity.
Gender gap is closing, especially midlife:
Married men: ~20 % admit cheating; married women: ~13 %. 1, 2, 3
But women in their 50s report the highest infidelity rates at around 16 %, proof the gap is tightening.
Empty-nest/midlife isn’t a fairy tale: it’s prime for wandering attention — your career is thriving, the kids are gone, and intimacy may have flatlined.
📌 What it shows:
This isn’t about sex drive or a moment of weakness.
It’s about the erosion of integrity — one swipe, lunch, or drink at a time. The same traits that built your leadership empire are fueling your betrayal culture.
So, yes — you’re not alone. But that club doesn’t come with a membership card — it comes with a reckoning. And the consequences? They’re yours alone to own.
Power doesn’t protect you from betrayal — it just insulates you long enough to believe your own excuses.
Why Cheating Really Happens — The Messy Truth
Let’s scrape off the polite excuses.
Cheating isn’t an accident. It’s a strategy — conscious or not — to fill a hole you refuse to face.
First, the classic excuses:
“I was drunk.”
“You changed — you don’t turn me on anymore.”
“It’s normal where I come from.”
“After the baby, things dried up.”
“You never listen to me.”
They’re old lines. Lazy. But they stick because they work — they protect you from looking at what you really fear.
Underneath, the hidden reasons:
The primal pull — pheromones, sexual boredom, curiosity.
The midlife ache — empty nest, the new assistant who laughs at your jokes.
The numbing — porn, sex as escape, dopamine as therapy.
The money fix — feeling powerful enough to pay for secrets.
Cross addictions — booze, work, gambling, sex.
The attention rush — the thrill of getting caught, the spike in drama.
Mutual silent agreements — you both know, but pretend not to.
Cultural cover — the good old boys’ club that high-fives your double life.
I’ve been in it too — just on the other side.
When I worked at the Census Bureau, I told a married man named Walter everything. My dreams about getting married. My endless string of bad guys. My fear that I’d never find someone I could trust.
I thought he was just a safe ear. I didn’t see that I was the emotional companion his wife probably never knew about.
Years later, out of nowhere, he dropped a message in my inbox. My husband read it — and told me straight: “This was a subtle proposition.”
I never responded. But back then? I thought it was just talking.
👉 That’s what betrayal culture looks like before it’s obvious.
Same excuses. Same wounds. Different affair. Same emptiness.
You want to break the loop? Name the real wound.
How Cheaters Gaslight (Everyone — Including Themselves)
Betrayal doesn’t live on the surface. It survives because everyone gets gaslit — especially you.
1️⃣ Gaslighting the Partner:
Blame shifting: “If you’d been more supportive, I wouldn’t need this.”
Denial on repeat: “You’re crazy — we’re just friends.”
Minimizing: “It was just a DM. We didn’t even sleep together.”
Weaponized guilt: “Why can’t you just trust me? You’re so insecure.”
2️⃣ Gaslighting the Side Piece:
Selling the fantasy: “You understand me like no one else.”
False promises: “I’m gonna leave. We’re soulmates.”
Selective honesty: Just enough truth to keep them hooked, just enough lies to keep control.
3️⃣ Gaslighting Yourself (the high performer’s favorite trick):
Compartmentalizing: “I work so hard. I deserve this break. It’s just stress relief.”
Rationalizing: “This isn’t the real me. It’s just a phase. Everyone does it.”
Comparing down: “At least I’m not like them — they cheat for real.”
Denial by achievement: “I provide. I show up. My family’s fine — they need me.”
Truth is — the biggest gaslight is the story you sell yourself so you don’t have to look at the rot underneath the boardroom polish.
I’ve seen it all — the grand justifications that sound smart in daylight and pathetic at 2 AM.
👉 Your real power doesn’t come from who you can hide this from — it comes from whether you can stop hiding it from yourself first.
Tired of reading about betrayal? Ready to break the script for good?
👉🏾 See how to rewrite your Life Script here — no excuses, no hiding. Just truth and next steps.
Unhealed Family Patterns — The Roots You Carry
You didn’t just wake up one day and decide to lie for sport.
You learned it.
Maybe you learned it watching two parents who played pretend while the real pain stayed locked behind slammed doors and polite dinners.
Maybe you watched a dad who disappeared behind work, or a mom who used silence as punishment.
Maybe nobody talked about love — just duty, status, and staying “respectable.”
I’ve lived this loop, too.
A client once told me, “That’s what men do. They cheat and leave you.”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes. I said flatly, “Just like your dad?”
Silence.
Truth lands hard when you’re ready to hear it.
Not all of us repeat every piece of our past — some inherit loyalty, work ethic, integrity. But the rest? The toxic scripts run deep.
I did my share: I cheated. I picked partners who’d cheat on me. It felt normal — it was normal in my family line.
Why? Because it’s easier to remix the dysfunction you know than trust something new.
Attachment theory says it plain:
We crave connection but don’t trust it. So we build side doors — affairs, porn, “work spouses.”
We pretend we’re safe behind secrets — but the price is our peace.
Cognitive dissonance keeps you stuck:
You hate the lie but cling to it because it numbs the raw truth: you never learned how to stay. Not really.
So you convince yourself: I’m different. I work hard. I carry the weight.
Meanwhile, the pattern just repeats with a nicer name.
👉 If you don’t challenge the family script, you are the script.
This is where I meet my clients — not at the affair, but at the story behind it.
If you won’t feel what’s true, you’ll keep building stories to hide.
That’s not leading. That’s surviving — in a nicer suit.
Have you found yourself replicating in adulthood what you saw in your childhood?
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) December 30, 2024
I have.
And I know many of you have as well. I’ll never forget one conversation I had with a former client.
With tears in her eyes, she said, “That’s what men do. They cheat and leave you.”
I…
What To Do Next — 2 Key Shifts
So now you see the hole.
The next question: Will you keep filling it with the same poison, or are you finally ready to feel it and fix it?
There’s no 12-step magic trick. Just two shifts that decide whether you keep circling the drain — or break the pattern for good.
1️⃣ Stop Performing Codependency
Stay stuck long enough and you start to believe the lie:
“If I keep giving — love, sex, secrecy, approval — maybe they’ll stop.”
You can’t rescue a partner who wants to cheat. You can’t rescue yourself if you keep feeding the pattern with denial.
Stop enabling. Stop tiptoeing. Stop explaining away what’s rotting your life.
2️⃣ Stay Long Enough to Learn — or Leave Clean
Some people bail fast. Some stay for decades.
Neither is right if you’re only doing it to dodge the discomfort of truth.
Stay if you’re learning: What made this possible? Where did you ignore your gut?
Stay if you’re willing to name the lies — out loud, to yourself, your partner, maybe a coach, maybe a counselor.
Or go — but go clean. Go with your eyes open. Go with your pattern named, your wounds faced, your spine intact.
🔑 And Communicate Like You Mean It
Most of the damage festers in silence. Here’s how to kill that rot:
Spot poor excuses: If you’re still telling yourself it’s “just stress,” “just a phase,” stop.
Use “I” statements: Own what you want, what you fear, what you’re done tolerating.
Stay calm & direct: Yelling is drama. Clarity is power.
Empathy, not rescuing: Listen without absorbing blame that isn’t yours. Speak without adding poison.
A lot of leaders — especially men — project old heartbreak onto whoever stands in front of them. I’ve coached men who tell me, “After all these years, she should have known better!”
The truth? She’s human. And so are you.
Sometimes the betrayal you think was personal was really a sign she was drowning too.
That doesn’t erase the pain — but it reframes the story so you stop carrying blame that isn’t yours to fix.
You can’t control what the other person does next.
You can control whether your side stays clean — or stays rotting in the same script.
"After all these years, she should have known better!"
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) December 18, 2024
Talking to men experiencing heartbreak can be challenging—let me tell you.
As a woman, it’s easy for a man to unconsciously project his pain onto me, casting me as an unwilling representative of every woman who’s ever hurt…
Stay or Go? — The Real Decision
So now you’ve got the mirror.
You see the ways you’ve betrayed — or tolerated betrayal.
You see the family script.
You see the gaslight you’ve sold yourself to keep this alive.
The question isn’t just “Did they cheat?” — it’s:
👉 “Will I keep cheating myself out of peace?”
Because you can stay in a broken marriage for the next twenty years and still be living a lie.
You can leave tomorrow and repeat the same pattern in your next relationship.
What matters is whether you’re staying to learn — or staying to hide.
Whether you’re leaving to grow — or leaving to perform a fresh start you don’t really believe in yet.
So here’s the gut check — answer it honestly, even if it guts you:
Do I still trust them — and do I trust myself to stand by what’s true?
Can I forgive without performing sainthood?
Am I staying out of fear, or hope?
What do I need to protect my self-worth — and my children’s?
What legacy am I really leaving behind if I keep living like this?
Common Questions About Cheating (And Real Answers You Deserve)
If you’ve been cheated on — or you’re finally telling the truth about how you’ve betrayed someone else — you probably have more questions than answers. Here’s the hard reality behind the ones I get asked most often.
👉 Each answer has a related post.
This isn’t your free therapy corner — it’s your mirror. Pick one. Sit with the truth. Do the work — or keep pretending you’ll deal with it later.
Can a relationship survive cheating?
Yes — but only if both people stop lying to themselves first.
Survival isn’t about performing loyalty — it’s about cleaning up the pattern that made betrayal feel normal in the first place. That means radical honesty, clear accountability, and help if you’re serious.
Related Reads:
Emotional Intimacy Is a Muscle You Build | The Silent Wound
Why do people cheat if they’re happy?
Because happiness doesn’t erase old wounds.
Most people who cheat aren’t starved for sex — they’re starved for attention, control, or relief from patterns they never faced. Affairs, porn, secret DMs — all distractions from feelings they’re scared to own.
Related Reads:
The Silent Wound | Life Script Examples
Should I confront the person my partner cheated with?
You can — but it won’t fix you.
The other person is just a symptom. If you’re serious about healing, confront the betrayal at the source: the one who made the choice — and the parts of you that stayed blind to it. Your energy is too precious to waste chasing someone else’s side story.
Related Reads:
Life Script Questionnaire | Emotional Castration
The Closing Truth — And Your Next Step
Surviving betrayal isn’t about patching holes so no one else notices.
It’s not about punishing the other person until you feel righteous enough to stay.
It’s not about waiting for an apology big enough to erase what happened.
It’s about whether you’re finally done lying to yourself.
Because all betrayal does is drag your secrets to the surface.
If you don’t face them now, they’ll keep leaking out — through your phone, your hotel bar tabs, your unspoken resentments.
And you’ll teach everyone around you — your team, your kids, your future partners — that secrets are normal. That’s your legacy if you do nothing.
I’m not your marriage fixer. I’m not here to help you “win them back.”
I’m here if you’re ready to break the script, own your part, and build the courage to lead your life with the same integrity you pretend to lead your business with.
If you’re ready to get honest and reclaim your peace — for real — I’ll meet you where you’re at.
💛 Work with me, Denise G. Lee – Together, we’ll untangle the pattern behind the betrayal and build a spine that holds, even when the old temptations call your name.
👉 Explore working together
🎙️ Want more straight truth like this?
Listen to my podcast for raw talk on betrayal, leadership, and what healing actually takes.
👉 Introverted Entrepreneur – wherever you stream
💌 Got something to get off your chest?
I’d love to hear it — your secret stays here.
👉 Write me a note
Here’s the final truth:
You don’t have to keep normalizing betrayal.
You don’t have to keep selling your peace for a secret.
You can stop the cycle — or you can keep telling yourself you’ll deal with it later.
Your call.
