Overcoming Sex Addiction: Resources and Support
Too many of us think we have a high sex drive or perhaps just fetishes that make things more fun and exciting.
However, there is a line between having fun and risking your life. As a life and business coach, I want to help you ensure you’re having fun – safely. I’ll start with my own personal story and give you the reasons why someone can develop a sex addiction, the progression of the disease and close with some resources that will help you.
Facing the Truth About My Sex Addiction
Almost 15 years ago, I sat in a therapist’s office and unknowingly took a test to see if I had a sex addiction. If I were in school, I would be proud of all my positive answers. The only questions I answered negatively were: “Have I had sex with children or wanted to have sex with children?” and “Have I ever gotten in trouble with the law because of my addiction?”
Later, I realized that my past behavior could have gotten me in trouble with the law. It was the first time I realized that I had a sex addiction. But, in all honesty, I had spent a lifetime ignoring my emotions and reality.
Part of the reason why we don’t seek treatment because we don’t see how our behavior hurts ourselves and others. Also, we do not believe our issues are common. However, sex and love addiction is more common than you think.
Sex and Love Addiction: More Common Than You Realize
As stated in the image above, one of the common reason why addicts do not seek treatment is because they believe their situation is unique. However, as of 2022, 6-8% or 24 million Americans suffer from sex addition.
Even if you are not ready to seek therapy, you at least owe it to yourself to take this simple test to see if you may have an issue with sex or love. It is the same test that I used in the beginning of my recovery journey. Now, let’s talk about how the sex addiction develops.
Understanding How Sex and Love Addictions Develop
Most recovering sex addicts, like myself, experienced some form of sexual abuse or trauma during childhood. Exposure to sexually explicit material at an early age is another common factor. For others, being raised in a performance-oriented household, where results were valued more than emotions, plays a significant role.
In households like mine, quick results were rewarded. So, it’s no surprise that many sex addicts become fixated on achieving orgasm quickly. Whether through trauma or emotional suppression, it’s natural to feel disconnected from emotions and use sex as an escape from reality. Now, I want to dive into more details about the risk factors that would nurture a sex or lust addiction.
Trauma, abuse, and violence during childhood provide excellent training for attracting abusive and harmful partners who may sexually and verbally abuse you.
Risk Factor #1: Raised in an Performance-Oriented Household
Growing up in a performance-driven environment trains you to seek validation in unhealthy ways. I believed my worth came from being “good,” which meant staying silent and doing as I was told. This pattern continued into adulthood, where I attracted emotionally stunted people.
When performance is valued above feelings, it’s easy to become emotionally disconnected. You may not realize how much pain you’re in because you’re too focused on the outcome—whether that’s success, approval, or orgasm.
Let’s explore how growing up in a performance-oriented household can affect someone:
Always Trying to Please Others
In homes where performance is really important, kids learn that they’re only valued when they do well. This can lead to:
- Always trying to make others happy
- Feeling bad about themselves when they make mistakes
- Hiding their true feelings to look “good”
Trouble with Emotions
In these homes, feelings often take a back seat to achievements. This can cause:
- Difficulty understanding or expressing emotions
- Feeling “numb” or disconnected from feelings
- Using achievements to avoid dealing with emotions
Seeking Approval in Unhealthy Ways
As adults, people from these backgrounds might:
- Stay in bad relationships just to avoid being alone
- Do things they’re not comfortable with to please others
- Become workaholics or perfectionists
Measuring Worth by Achievements
People raised this way often believe their value comes from what they do, not who they are. This can lead to:
- Never feeling good enough, no matter how much they achieve
- Constant fear of failure or letting others down
- Difficulty enjoying life without always striving for more
Disconnection from Body and Feelings
When performance is everything, people might:
- Ignore physical signs of stress or illness
- Push themselves too hard, leading to burnout
- Have trouble enjoying physical intimacy without focusing on “performance”
Difficulty with Genuine Connections
Always trying to be “perfect” can make it hard to:
- Show their true selves to others
- Trust that people will like them for who they are
- Form deep, meaningful relationships
Despite years of risky casual sex and porn use, I wasn't addicted to sex.
— Denise Lee (@DeniseGLee) August 13, 2023
Nope.
I was addicted to lust and dopamine hits.
I was hooked on:
-Being looked as a sex object
-Objectifying people. They were just tools for my sexual gratification
-The high from risky sexual…
Seeking Validation Through Sex
In intimate relationships, they might:
- Focus more on pleasing their partner than their own enjoyment
- Use sex as a way to feel valued or loved
- Struggle with intimacy that doesn’t involve “performing”
Trouble Relaxing and Having Fun
When everything feels like a test, it can be hard to:
- Enjoy activities without turning them into competitions
- Relax without feeling guilty
- Play or be silly without worrying about looking foolish
Risk Factor #2: Raised in an Abusive Household
Being raised in an abusive household can significantly increase the risk of developing problematic sexual behaviors or sex addiction later in life. Here’s how this childhood trauma can potentially lead to predatory sexual behaviors:
Disrupted Attachment
Children who experience abuse often develop insecure attachment styles, which can make it difficult to form healthy intimate relationships as adults. This may lead to:
- Fear of emotional intimacy
- Difficulty trusting others
- Seeking sexual encounters as a substitute for emotional connection
Maladaptive Coping Mechanisms
Survivors of childhood abuse may turn to compulsive sexual behaviors as a way to:
- Numb emotional pain
- Escape from negative feelings
- Regain a sense of control
- Self-medicate trauma symptoms
Distorted Views of Sex and Relationships
Growing up in an abusive environment can warp a child’s understanding of healthy sexuality, potentially resulting in:
- Associating sex with power, control, or violence
- Difficulty recognizing appropriate boundaries
- Confusion between sex and love/affection
Impaired Emotional Regulation
Childhood abuse can interfere with the development of healthy emotional regulation skills. This may manifest as:
- Difficulty managing stress and negative emotions
- Impulsivity and poor decision-making
- Using sex to regulate mood or emotions
Trauma Reenactment
Some survivors unconsciously recreate abusive dynamics from childhood through their sexual behaviors, which can include:
- Seeking out abusive partners
- Engaging in risky or self-destructive sexual acts
- Becoming sexually abusive to others
Low Self-Esteem and Shame
Abuse survivors often struggle with feelings of worthlessness and shame, which can fuel:
- Seeking validation through sexual conquests
- Difficulty saying no to sexual advances
- Engaging in degrading sexual acts
Important: It’s important to note that while childhood abuse increases risk, it does not inevitably lead to predatory behaviors or sex addiction. Many survivors do not develop these issues, and with proper support and treatment, those who do can learn healthier coping mechanisms and relationship patterns.
Risk Factor #3: Possession of Fame and/or Money
It is by no accident many sex addicts hold powerful careers. I recently read an interesting article about Wall Street executives who make six, or even seven-figure salaries, but are caught up in drug and sex addiction. Even with all their wealth, some people’s need to achieve or past trauma still haunts them, and it is literally ruining their lives.
Let’s explore how fame and money can be risk factors for developing problematic sexual behaviors, using Sean Combs (also known as Diddy) as a case study:
Case Study: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs
Power and Access
Famous and wealthy people like Sean Combs often have:
- Easy access to potential sexual partners
- The ability to arrange private encounters
- Resources to keep their activities secret
This can make it easier to engage in risky or addictive sexual behaviors without immediate consequences.
Pressure and Stress
Being in the public eye can lead to:
- Constant scrutiny and criticism
- High expectations to maintain an image
- Intense work schedules and pressure to perform
These stressors might push someone to seek relief or escape through sex or drugs.
Entitlement and Lack of Boundaries
People with fame and money might:
- Feel they’re above the rules
- Believe they can buy their way out of problems
- Have people around them who don’t set healthy boundaries
This can lead to a sense that normal limits don’t apply to them. I talked about that in the social media post below. Click the link below to join the conversation.
About Sean "P. Diddy" Combs
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) September 18, 2024
and his crimes and stuff...
Before I begin, I want to make it clear: I am in no way justifying anything Sean "P. Diddy" Combs did to his victims, nor excusing the actions of his enablers.
But here's something no one seems to be talking about.
Sean…
Childhood Trauma Unaddressed
Even wealthy people like Combs might:
- Carry unresolved pain from their past. (Combs father was violently killed when he was young.)
- Use their success to avoid dealing with emotional issues
- Struggle with feelings of emptiness despite outward success
Money and fame don’t automatically heal childhood wounds.
Enablers and Yes-Men
Celebrities like Combs often surround themselves with people who:
- Don’t challenge their behavior
- Help cover up problematic actions
- Provide whatever the celebrity wants, including drugs or sexual partners
This environment can make it hard to recognize when behavior becomes unhealthy.
Legal and Financial Protection
Wealthy individuals like Combs can:
- Afford top lawyers to fight accusations
- Pay for settlements to keep issues quiet
- Use their influence to pressure victims or witnesses
This can delay facing the consequences of their actions, allowing problematic behavior to continue.
Difficulty Seeking Help
Famous people might avoid getting help because:
- They fear damaging their public image
- They don’t want to appear weak or vulnerable
- They’re used to solving problems with money, not therapy
This can lead to problems spiraling out of control before they’re addressed. In Combs’ case, his wealth and fame seem to have created an environment where he allegedly engaged in abusive and exploitative sexual behaviors for years before facing serious consequences.
The recent legal actions against him highlight how even long-standing patterns of misconduct can eventually catch up, regardless of one’s status or resources.
Now, let’s move on to recovery. Addiction continues because we don’t work on treating it. Here are some recommendations for your sex addiction recovery program.
Sex Addiction Recovery
Important: You will never fully recover
As humans, we crave permanent solutions. It’s natural! But addiction recovery doesn’t work that way. With sex addiction, or any addiction, you never fully recover. The addiction rewires your mind permanently. The goal of recovery is to manage those temptations. For instance, even though I’ve been in recovery for over a decade, there are still moments when I seek lust-based attention from men.
In your healing journey, it’s crucial to understand why you’re drawn to unhealthy or harmful sexual behavior. Why? Because humans often stick to familiar patterns to cope with inner pain, even when it’s damaging—just like someone who eats junk food or smokes despite having health problems like asthma.
Repeating the Same Old Sad Song
Unfortunately, people with addictions often keep doing the same things that worsen their addiction because of deep-seated feelings of unworthiness. For instance, if someone believes they don’t deserve loving relationships, they may engage in casual, emotionless sex. But this won’t lead to real love. It often ends in heartbreak, reinforcing the belief that they can’t be loved. Healing requires facing and untangling false, often painful, memories from the past.
It takes at least two to five years to stabilize from sex or lust addiction, depending on how deeply rooted the shame is.
A key part of your healing must include developing a relapse prevention plan. This is where you work with a therapist or a trauma-informed coach like myself to create strategies that help you manage triggers and cravings. This will support you in navigating tough situations and reducing the chance of setbacks.
That being said, in the next section, we will discuss your trauma recovery plan.
Trauma Recovery Plan
Reconnect with Your Mind, Body, and Soul
Taking care of yourself is key to getting better after experiencing trauma. For many people dealing with addictions, like lust, they often use those behaviors to escape stress and feel better temporarily. Now, you need to find healthy ways to feel good that aren’t harmful. This is the core of your trauma recovery plan.
Exercise Regularly
“Exercise is one of the best ways to boost your mood naturally,” says Dr. John Ratey, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Activities like walking, dancing, or yoga help your body release feel-good chemicals, like endorphins, that naturally reduce stress and anxiety. Even just 20 minutes a day can make a difference in your mood and energy levels.
Find Hobbies
Discovering new interests can be incredibly healing. Maybe you’ve never had the time or opportunity to explore new hobbies. Whether it’s painting, cooking, or gardening, these activities can keep your mind focused on something positive and provide a sense of accomplishment. Research shows that engaging in hobbies can reduce stress and improve overall well-being. Plus, they serve as a healthy distraction from harmful thoughts or urges.
Try Meditation
Meditation isn’t just about sitting still—it’s about learning to quiet your mind. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, meditation can help reduce anxiety and increase emotional control. It allows you to reconnect with your emotions in a non-judgmental way. You don’t have to be an expert either.
Apps like Headspace and Calm offer simple, guided meditations to help you get started. Just a few minutes a day can help you feel calmer and more centered.
Embrace Your Feelings
Recovery is also about reconnecting with your emotions. If you grew up being punished for expressing yourself, feeling emotions might feel unfamiliar or even scary. But healing happens when you allow yourself to feel again. Here’s how to start:
- Be Patient with Yourself: As addiction expert Dr. Patrick Carnes says, “Addiction is an emotional illness, not a moral failing.” It took years to develop these coping mechanisms, and it will take time to heal. Be gentle and give yourself the space to grow.
- Talk About Your Pain: Sharing your struggles can lighten the emotional burden. I strongly recommend joining a 12-step program like Sexaholics Anonymous. These programs provide a safe space to share your story, listen to others, and feel understood. Connecting with others who are on a similar journey can be incredibly comforting.
- Address Perfectionism: Many people with addictions think they must be perfect to be valued by others. This isn’t true. Even if your parents or role models were strict and demanding, you don’t have to be flawless to be accepted. Strive to improve, but remember that no one can be perfect.
Avoid Dating in the First Year of Recovery
If you’re single, it’s essential to give yourself time to understand what a healthy relationship looks like before jumping into one. Recovery expert Claudia Black says, “Healing isn’t just about stopping the behavior. It’s about creating healthy relationships and learning to connect in a meaningful way.”
The image below sums up my tips. Next, I will share my final thoughts
Final Thoughts
If you can relate to my story, remember this: you are a survivor. You might feel like you’re okay, but there’s always room to grow and improve your mental health. Don’t let your ego stand in the way of healing. It’s okay to ask for help and seek support. Healing is a journey, not a destination.
Recovery from sex addiction is a slow process that requires patience and hard work. You will have setbacks, but that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Each step forward is progress, no matter how small.
You’re not alone, and it’s okay to ask for help if you need it. You can reach out to a coach like me who understands trauma, or find a therapist who knows about PTSD and sex addiction. They can give you extra support.
Dig deeper: Click here to listen to my podcast episode on sex addiction or press the play button below.
