Types of Anger and Strategies for Effective Anger Management
- Updated: November 12, 2024
In a very emotional client session, Rachel (not her real name) shouted, “How am I supposed to feel then?” We were talking about how to handle anger, and she was very confused about how to show her anger. Her anger had made her do very harmful things to herself and others, and now she wanted my help to figure out how to deal with her strong feelings.
As an entrepreneur coach and trauma survivor, I know how tough dealing with anger can be, especially for those who didn’t feel safe as kids or were hurt by people they trusted. In this article, we will discuss the different types of anger and how to use healthy anger for healing and growth.
First, let’s discuss why managing anger is so hard for many of us and why we often don’t know when or how to express it properly.
Why is Anger So Hard to Understand?
Anger is a tricky feeling, and everyone sees it differently based on how they grew up and what cultures they’re part of. People get all kinds of mixed signals about anger, making it a bit confusing. Here are three some examples of what people might hear about anger from their families and cultures:
Family Messages
Anger is good! In some families, they might say it’s okay to show anger. It could be seen as a strong or assertive thing to do.
Anger is bad! On the other hand, some families might not like it when people get angry. They think it messes up the peace and quiet.
Religious, Academic or Other Cultural Areas
Righteous Anger: In religious or school places, they might talk about “righteous anger,” saying it’s okay to get mad when something really wrong is happening.
Activism: Some people connect anger with making positive changes in society, like speaking up against unfair things.
Toxic Positivity
No Anger Allowed: In some places pushing “positive vibes only,” they might think showing anger is bad for your health. Their version of anger management is suppression, repression or denial. They focus on always being happy.
People into this toxic positivity might ask, “Will being angry really help you?” because they want to avoid anything negative.
You have every right to feel confused about healthy anger if you have received kind of these mixed messages. It’s important to figure out the difference between expressing anger in an unhealthy way and a healthy way to understand how it affects our well-being. Let’s start by talking about what unhealthy anger is.
We aren't trying to eliminate our anger, we just want to use in a way that doesn't make us blaming, shaming or enabling others.
So...What is Unhealthy Anger Management?
Anger is a natural response, designed to protect us and set boundaries when something isn’t right. But when anger goes unchecked or becomes a habitual reaction, it can spiral into damaging patterns. Here’s what unhealthy anger can look like:
Accusations Without Resolution – The Prosecutor
Picture someone who’s quick to blame others every time they’re upset. They’ll call out mistakes, list grievances, and tell anyone who will listen why the world is against them—yet never attempt to solve a thing. This approach might feel like it grants power or righteous satisfaction, but it ultimately lacks the substance needed for meaningful growth or authentic leadership. This is anger as a performance, where the goal is to indict, not to improve.
“It’s Not My Fault!” – Stuck in Victim Mode
Another tell-tale sign of unhealthy anger is when a person sees themselves only as the victim. They stay locked in their pain and sense of betrayal, unwilling—or perhaps unable—to move beyond it. This kind of anger fuels a stagnant mindset, where resentment overshadows any opportunity to take control or change. It’s not just anger; it’s a perpetual state of powerlessness.
I see it everywhere. You probably do too if you take the time to observe what’s happening around you. I shared an example in the social media post below. Click the link to join the conversation.
What does rage do to you?
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) November 12, 2024
I volunteer at a clothing and food pantry. I see people in all kinds of distress. One woman came in, frustrated and hurried, saying she didn’t have enough time to pick out clothes for her kids. She screamed in Spanish as the other ladies and I tried to…
Supporting Negative Patterns – The Enabler
Unhealthy anger management can also encourage negative actions. Instead of addressing issues, it fuels cycles of avoidance and complaints. For instance, enablers (often codependents) reinforce each other’s grudges and insecurities by never looking inward or addressing underlying issues. They’ll constantly find someone to blame and keep the drama alive by stirring up new problems to talk about. This anger isn’t productive; it’s a smokescreen for avoidance, thriving on dysfunction rather than genuine progress.
In his Drama Triangle, Dr. Stephen Karman captures this toxic cycle, showing how ‘Victims,’ ‘Prosecutors,’ and ‘Enablers’ feed into one another’s unproductive emotions. This dynamic traps people in endless cycles of blame and co-dependence.
“We Can’t Trust Anybody” – Self-Imposed Isolation
Unchecked anger management can also lead to self-imposed isolation. Imagine someone whose resentment has left them feeling that no one can be trusted or understood. These individuals often find themselves surrounded only by others who are equally consumed by their negative emotions, bonding over shared grievances rather than shared goals. It’s like a perpetual cycle of the “victimhood Olympics,” where suffering becomes a badge of honor instead of a call to heal.
Now that you have an understanding of what unhealthy anger looks like, let’s delve into what healthy anger entails.
How to Use Your Anger For Good
Alright, let’s get into healthy anger – the kind that doesn’t just hurt you or others but can actually help you grow. Here are seven ways to use your anger to make things better, not worse.
1. A Force for Positive Change
Think of healthy anger as a superpower. It doesn’t just create problems – it pushes you to fix them. This kind of anger gives you the strength to say, “Something’s not right here, and I want to make it better.” Instead of leading to conflict, it drives you to bring about positive changes, whether that’s speaking up for yourself, improving a relationship, or fighting for something you believe in.
2. Getting to the Root Causes
Healthy anger works like a detective. It doesn’t just flare up without reason; it digs deeper to understand why you’re feeling this way. Sometimes, anger is a signal that something important to you – like safety, respect, or fairness – isn’t being honored. By asking, “Why am I really angry?” you can get to the root cause and find out what you truly need.
3. Releasing Repressed Anger and Easing Depression
For people who keep their anger buried, it often turns into sadness or depression. Healthy anger management is like a friend who says, “It’s okay to let this out.” Releasing anger in a healthy way can feel like lifting a weight off your shoulders, giving you relief. It’s not about lashing out; it’s about giving yourself permission to feel and heal.
4. Staying Curious, Not Making Excuses
Healthy anger management doesn’t ignore bad behavior, but it stays curious. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it asks, “Why is this happening?” It’s not about making excuses for others but trying to understand what’s driving their behavior. This approach keeps you open-minded, helping you see the situation clearly instead of getting caught in resentment.
Learning to use healthy anger is like unlocking a superpower. It helps you grow into a stronger, kinder person and makes the world around you better, too.
5. Breaking the Cycle of Harm
If someone has been treated poorly or unfairly, they might feel justified in treating others the same way. But healthy anger stops that cycle. It says, “Just because I was hurt doesn’t mean I need to hurt others.” This kind of anger gives you the power to end the chain reaction of hurt, choosing instead to respond in a healthier, kinder way.
6. Learning to Appreciate Imperfection
Healthy anger is like a wise teacher that reminds you everyone, including you, makes mistakes. It helps you accept that nobody’s perfect – and that’s okay. Instead of holding onto resentment, it guides you to let go, giving others (and yourself) the freedom to learn and grow.
7. Deepening Humility and Kindness
Finally, healthy anger leads you to a place of humility and kindness. Even when you’re upset, it encourages you to stay respectful, seeing the humanity in others. This doesn’t mean you ignore your feelings – it just means that, while you work through your anger, you keep your heart open, choosing to be kind. It’s like saying, “I can be mad, but I can also be compassionate.”
Learning to use healthy anger is like unlocking a superpower. It helps you grow into a stronger, kinder person and makes the world around you better, too.
After the picture below that shows the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger, I’ll share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Understanding how to handle anger well is an ongoing learning process. Don’t pressure yourself to be calm and collected all the time—it’s okay to feel upset sometimes.
The key is not to avoid anger but to use it in a way that helps you grow and understand yourself and others better. The real strength comes from turning anger into a positive force.
I hope this message was useful to you. If you need more assistance, feel free to ask me. For more insights, you can check out this episode from my podcast by clicking here or pressing the play button below.
