Understanding the Influence of Childhood on Adult Speech
As an entrepreneur coach, one of the very first things I talk with clients about is language.
Language is crucial not just for getting your needs met but also for how you perceive the world and you.
For example, if you constantly use the words “maybe” or “could be” that signals doubts and insecurities. And those ideas didn’t come us, odds are they came from our role models (ex – parents, teachers, close relatives).
If we aren’t careful, those messages from the past can ruin anything good we want to plan or have going on in our lives right now.
In this article, we are going to examine how our childhood impacts our adult speech and how we can speak with confidence, clarity and kindness with everyone, including ourselves.
How Past Pain Shapes Our Adult Communication
Words of Hurt from Those Who Are Hurting
Have you ever heard hurtful things from someone close in your family, someone you really care about?
Maybe they were having a bad day, feeling stressed, and said something without really thinking about it.
But what if this family member didn’t just have a bad day, but had a hard time talking about their feelings without yelling, belittling, or shaming you? That’s a big deal because the way we love and connect with others often comes from how we learned it when we were young.
I remember a really tough time when I was a teenager. I told my dad that I had thoughts about hurting myself. His response was, “Well, go and do it.” It was so sad and it stuck with me for a long time, making me feel unlovable.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can also hurt too. The wrong words from the right people can and will kill your ambitions, goals, dreams, self-worth, confidence, and even your ability to have children.
What Messages Did You Receive as a Child?
What about you? What messages did you get from your parents? Here are some questions to think about:
- How often did your parents show, not just say, that they loved you?
- On balance, how well did your parents handle disagreements with you or with others?
- When there was conflict or sadness, how did your caregivers or close family members work things out?
Who Do You Resemble Most in Your Adult Communication?
Take your time to think about these questions. Now, consider yourself and answer these:
- Whose way of talking is similar to mine?
- When I’m feeling sad, angry, or disappointed, how do I talk to myself and to others?
As you read this, you may be thinking, “Oh, I know some of the things I say to others and myself are terrible, but I can’t stop. Why is that?” In the next section, we will discuss the science behind our adult speech patterns.
Why Your Adult Speech Carries Hurtful and Negative Ideas
Have you ever caught yourself using mean words, even though you really didn’t like hearing them when you were growing up?
If so, you’re not the only one dealing with this. Many people find it confusing why they keep using negative words, even when they’re trying hard not to.
Mirror Neurons: The Culprits Behind the Words
Mirror neurons are special cells in our brain play a big role in how we talk and use language. By the time we’re three years old, about 80% of these mirror neurons have already formed. They stick with us throughout our lives, shaping the way we communicate. But here’s the interesting part: these neurons don’t start from zero; they reflect the world around us as they develop.
If you grew up in a family where people often used harsh words, criticism, or put others down, those mirror neurons in your brain might have picked up on those patterns. So, even if you consciously know it’s not nice, your brain might still think this way of talking is “normal” or “okay.” It’s like your brain learned that even though it feels hurtful or wrong, this type of communication is acceptable.
Oh, and did I tell you about our genes playing a role in making us lean towards negative thinking?
The Natural Survival Instinct
Let’s break down why this happens. Our brains are wired for survival, thanks to our genes.
The main goal of nature is to make sure we tackle life’s challenges and get away from danger when needed. It doesn’t really care if our actions are good or bad in the long run. If your brain senses any danger, it’ll push you to say whatever it takes to protect yourself and get away from the perceived threat.
So, when you catch yourself using not-so-nice words, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s just your brain doing its natural survival thing. The same mechanism that makes you go into fight-or-flight mode during emergencies can make you say things that might not be great for you or the people around you.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can also hurt me. The wrong words from the right people can and will kill your ambitions, goals, dreams, self-worth, confidence, and even your ability to have children.
Conditioned to Echo What We Were Taught
Getting out of these old ways of talking can be pretty tough. If you don’t actively try to change the wiring in your brain – specifically, the Broca’s area that’s responsible for speech – it’s likely that you’ll keep talking in the same way you learned when you were a kid.
And here’s the tricky part: this can create a cycle where you end up using words that hurt not only others but also yourself.
But here’s the good news: we’re not stuck being mean. And no, we don’t have to be critical of everything and everyone around us all the time.
In the next part, we’ll dive into how we can talk more kindly to ourselves and embrace a more positive mindset.
Of course, it is hard to speak kindly to yourself at times. You may have found yourself repeating all the negative, critical, and judgmental comments you received from teachers, parents, friends, and close relatives. Add to the mix of conflicting and perfectionistic standards from culture, and you are bound to be critical and self-hating of yourself.
5 Tips to Enhance Your Adult Communication Skills for Personal and Social Success
1. Notice How You React To Your OWN Words
Pay attention to how your words make you feel. Do they make you happy, sad, or afraid? If you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself, take a moment to notice it. Being aware of your self-talk is the first step to changing it.
Research from the Mayo Clinic has shown that negative self-talk can increase stress and lower self-esteem. On the other hand, positive self-talk can boost confidence and help you cope better with challenges.
How to Change Negative Thoughts Into Positive Ones
Let’s talk about self-talk. Now is the perfect time to think about which thoughts you want to focus on. If you’re anything like me, thinking too many negative thoughts can lead to even more of them. For example, if you fear money and spend all your time worrying about your bank balance, complaining about prices, and focusing on fear, it’s no surprise you’ll think more negatively.
To turn those thoughts around, start by noticing the areas where negativity often creeps in—whether it’s at work, in relationships, or during your daily routine. Once you’re aware of these moments, make an effort to flip negative thoughts into positive ones. For instance, instead of saying, “I’ve never done this before,” try saying, “This is a great chance to learn something new.”
Also, be mindful of how you speak to yourself. Be gentle and encouraging, and avoid saying anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a close friend. This simple shift can help build a more positive mindset.
2. Pause Before Speaking
Before letting words out, take a quick pause. You’ve probably heard people say, “I put my foot in my mouth again!” That usually happens when we speak without thinking. If that sounds like you, taking a moment to pause helps you be more intentional about your words. It also helps control impulses, which leads to greater patience in other areas of life.
How Pausing Enhances Your Appearance and Communication
When you pause, it also grabs your listener’s attention. Here’s why:
- Emphasizing Key Points: Pausing before or after an important statement highlights what you want to stand out. For example, if you’re giving advice, pausing after a key takeaway signals to the listener that what you just said matters.
- Enhancing Understanding: When you share a lot of information, pausing gives people time to process your words. These natural breaks help your audience absorb what you’re saying. For instance, during a presentation or conversation, pausing between different ideas ensures your message is clearer and easier to follow.
- Creating Dramatic Effect: Think about moments in a movie or theater performance where the silence builds suspense. Pausing before revealing something important creates anticipation, making your words more impactful. For example, before delivering a surprising or emotional statement, a pause can draw people in and make the moment more memorable.
These pauses don’t just help you; they engage your audience and ensure your words leave a lasting impression.
3. Empathy Check
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Ask yourself: “How would I feel if someone said this to me?” This can help you choose words that consider others’ feelings.
Empathy is a key part of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence means understanding your own feelings and the feelings of others. A big part of this is empathy—being able to see things from someone else’s point of view. For instance, before saying something, you might think, “How would I feel if someone said this to me?” This helps you choose words that are kind and considerate. People with high emotional intelligence often have better relationships because they communicate thoughtfully and understand others’ emotions.
So, next time you feel like snapping because you’re angry, scared, or threatened, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would you feel if someone said what you’re about to say to you? This can help you pick words that are kinder and consider the other person’s feelings.
4. Positive Reinforcement
Encourage positive speech by praising yourself when you speak kindly. It helps reinforce the good habit. You could say something like “Good job!” to yourself or give yourself a small reward.
Positive reinforcement is a well-established psychological technique for encouraging desired behaviors.
5. Apologize When Needed
If you realize you’ve said something hurtful, don’t hesitate to apologize. It shows you’re aware of your mistake and willing to make it right. Taking responsibility, admitting fault, and showing real remorse helps to rebuild trust and heal relationships.
When emotions are deep or complicated, a sincere apology can be the first step toward healing. By offering a genuine apology, you show honesty and respect, which helps repair the relationship and can lead to forgiveness and emotional peace.
Remember, changing the way we talk takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself, and celebrate the progress you make along the way. The image below summarizes my thoughts. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final thoughts
Changing the way we talk as adults doesn’t happen overnight, but every small step forward is progress. Just because you learned certain ways of speaking from your parents doesn’t mean you’re stuck with them forever. Be kind to yourself through this process. It takes time, but every bit of growth matters. Let’s focus on the improvements we’re making and celebrate them as we go!
If you’re reading this article and thinking “Uh, I need more help,” don’t worry, I’ve got you. Never hesitate to reach out to me if you need 1-on-1 private support.
Additionally, here’s a link to an episode from my entrepreneur podcast that may also be helpful.
