Why People Stay in Abusive Relationships: Exploring the Causes
- Updated: November 8, 2024
You would think that giving someone a black eye, pushing them down a flight of stairs (which induced an abortion), or staying in a relationship with someone who gave you a sexually transmitted infection while bleeding your checking account dry would be just cause for someone to leave an abusive relationship. However, in some cases, it is not.
As an entrepreneur coach, I have heard many painful stories of people tolerating the intolerable in romantic relationships. These stories come from people who own businesses and have advanced degrees. I recall one case where a therapist endured an emotionally abusive relationship with her ex-husband for decades.
In this article, we will explore the causes of why someone would stay in an abusive and/or unfulfilling relationship.
First, let’s define what an abusive relationship looks like. Many of us have become so accustomed to their pain that we don’t even recognize it as abusive anymore.
When Love Hurts: Recognizing Abusive Relationships
If you’re in a relationship where your feelings don’t matter, your view of what’s real is dismissed, or you’re facing physical, verbal, or sexual harm, or even constant neglect – that’s an abusive situation.
For many of us, we have stayed for a combination of reasons such as one’s upbringing (which includes societal conditioning), addiction to certain stress hormones, or cultural/religious/familial norms. Below are some of the many examples of what it looks like being in an abusive relationship.
If you don't make your needs clear, you are effectively teaching someone to abuse you. This abuse can go on for years, if not decades.
Abusive Relationship Example 1: Money & Mind Control
Think about a couple named Alex and Taylor. (They aren’t real, just names I just made up in my mind.) Anyway, Taylor always says mean things about how Alex looks and what they can do. Also, Taylor decides how all the money is spent and doesn’t let Alex use any without permission. When Alex tries to talk about their feelings, Taylor ignores them, making Alex feel really small.
Abusive Relationship Example 2: Using Kids as Pawns
Imagine one parent being mean to the other, calling them names and making them feel not important. This happens in front of the kids, making their home feel tense and scary. The mistreated parent may also not get any money to take care of the kids. The abusive partner might even use the kids to play games in the relationship, making them pick sides or not giving them love as a punishment.
So, the kids are stuck in a home that’s not good, seeing things they shouldn’t, and feeling really bad. This kind of situation can make the kids feel not okay for a long time and make it hard for them to know what a good relationship should look like.
Abusive Relationship Example 3: Partner Cheating
Picture yourself in a relationship, and you start seeing signs that your partner might be cheating. They’re always on their phone, keeping messages secret, or finding reasons to be away. You even find proof that shows they might be cheating.
(Sidebar note: Cheating often has nothing to do with wanting to upset their partner, but rather about the person’s inability to be clear about their desires, managing their own internal regulation amongst other reasons.)
I know you are cheating…just admit it!
Now, in a bad relationship, despite all these signs and proof, your partner keeps saying it’s not true. They might try to make you feel like you’re making things up or being too worried. They don’t take your concerns seriously, making you doubt yourself.
So, you’re stuck in a situation where you know something is wrong, but your partner won’t admit it, making you feel confused or not important.
It’s not just about the cheating but also how it hurts emotionally to be lied to and not believed.
I provided some examples of what an abusive romantic relationship looks like, but now let’s explore some of the psychological reasons why someone might stay in an unfulfilling relationship.
Broken, emotionally disabled people will say and do anything for love. However, I don't think they don't want to keep their commitments - the problem is that their fears and insecurities stop them from following through on their promises.
Why We Stay: The Pull of Unhealthy Romantic Relationships
Reason 1: Stuck in Bad Relationships from Growing Up in a Tough Family
Some people remain in bad relationships due to their upbringing. Remember the scenario from earlier, where a child grew up in a family where a parent did or said hurtful things? This can have a long-lasting effect on them as an adult.
Multiples studies like this one found that kids from such families learn that it’s not okay to talk about their feelings. The family’s emotional problems shape how they handle their own emotions when they grow up. And of this creates a DO NOT THINK or FEEL life script.
Without proper guidance, these grown-up individuals might struggle with their emotions. Another study suggests that parents not understanding their own and their kids’ feelings leads to unhealthy emotional patterns. So, these individuals might end up drawn to abusive people who act like their family did. And because of that people tend to pick relationships that feel like their early experiences, without even realizing it.
It’s important to know that this isn’t the person’s fault. It’s just that the pain they know from the past becomes strangely attractive. Those who faced a lot of emotional distress as kids might think unhealthy relationships are normal because of their early experiences.
Reason 2: Carrying Unhealed Grief into Unhealthy Relationships
Behind tough experiences, addictions or painful romantic relationships, there’s a sense of loss. Let me tell you about my client Janet (not her real name), who was in a complicated relationship for almost 17 years. She spent the best years of her life hoping her partner would leave his spouse.
In her early 50s, instead of sharing her pain with him, Janet kept it to herself. When I suggested talking to him about her feelings and making a plan, she hesitated but followed my advice. During this, her partner admitted he liked her as a lover, not as a wife.
This story about adultery relates to grief because holding onto something that’s painful or does not work well is a form of grieving. Behind the pain of the affair, Janet carried serious issues about her relationship with her father who abandoned her childhood home when she was young. Because she never fully dealt with that loss, Janet found a new partner who could recreate those same feelings.
And as the famed psychologist Carl Jung once said, “If you don’t make the unconscious conscious, you will keep recreating the same events and call it fate.”
If you were always made to doubt yourself as a child, it becomes difficult to feel connected with anyone, including yourself, as an adult.
Reason 3: Dealing with Gaslighting as a Kid
Growing up with gaslighting, when people mess with your mind, can affect how you handle close relationships later in life. Imagine being a kid in a family where someone is always being mean or ignoring you. This happens not just by hitting or touching but also by saying mean things.
For example, if a kid accidentally spills a drink, the parent might start yelling, saying the child is always causing trouble. The parent makes the child feel like they’re the problem, even though it was just a small accident. This happens because the parent might feel really bad about themselves and, instead of admitting it, they blame the child to avoid their own issues. That’s gaslighting.
If we don’t address these issues as kids, they’ll eventually show up in our relationships. I dive deeper into this on social media—click the link to join the conversation.
"I don’t understand this. Doesn't he know I was acting in his best interest?"
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) November 8, 2024
I tried to keep a straight face as she said that.
Seriously, I did.
Because I know, deep down, she was. But during our conversation, I gently told her that her behavior was far from the benevolent…
Always doubting yourself AND reality..
If you’re always made to doubt yourself as a kid, it makes it tough to form good connections with others. Dealing with gaslighting as a child can make you feel not good enough, unsure about yourself, and like your view of things is all messed up. When grown-ups around you blame you and play mind games, it’s hard to trust your own thoughts and feelings.
In adult relationships, folks who went through gaslighting as kids might find it hard to trust others, be scared of getting blamed or criticized, and struggle to say what they need or set boundaries. The effects of gaslighting can make it tough to talk openly, be emotionally available, and show vulnerability.
If you’ve been through gaslighting, you might end up drawn to or sticking around in relationships that copy the same tricky behaviors from your past. It feels normal, even though it’s not great.
Are you in abusive romantic relationship and need help? The image below summaries some steps to leave an abusive romantic relationship. Next, I will share with you my final thoughts.
Final thoughts
Leaving a painful relationship is never easy, especially if you have created businesses, bought assets, and share children. This article isn’t so much to tell you what to do or not to do, but to help you understand that there were valid reasons why you stayed in an abusive relationship.
If you need help getting out of a dangerously abusive relationship and you live in the United States, please contact the Domestic Violence Support group at 800-799-7233 or visit their website.
If you need my support, please don’t hesitate to contact me. And if you want to delve more into healing from an abusive relationship, listen to this episode from my entrepreneur podcast.
