You Thought It Was About You: What Cheating Really Reveals About Him
- Updated: June 11, 2025
You found the receipts.
Maybe it was a credit card charge that didn’t make sense.
A second phone. A message that wasn’t meant for you.
And for a moment, you turned investigator.
Ready to confront. Ready to blow it all up.
Because you’re not weak. You’re not clueless. You’re a leader.
You get answers.
But then… you paused.
Not because you were afraid.
But because something deep in your gut already knew.
You weren’t crazy.
You weren’t blind.
You were love-bombed—
Pulled into something that looked like connection, but was really control.
And now, sitting with the shards of it all, maybe mascara still on your cheeks,
you realize: this isn’t just about him cheating.
It’s about who he’s always been—beneath the charm, the pressure, the promises.
It’s about patterns he never owned. Wounds he never healed.
And the rabbit hole goes deeper than you thought.
This isn’t a blame-fest.
And it’s not a checklist of things you “should’ve seen.”
It’s a raw, honest look at what really drives some men to betray—
and why even the strongest women can get caught in their wake.
You’re not stupid.
You’re not broken.
And no, you didn’t imagine the connection.
But you deserve clarity.
And that’s exactly what we’re going to get.
🔍 What We'll Unpack
It Was Never About You. It Was Always About His Wound
Let’s get one thing straight:
He didn’t cheat because you weren’t enough.
He didn’t cheat because you aged, gained weight, missed a few texts, or failed to read his mind.
He cheated because something in him was already broken—and betrayal gave him a false sense of power over that fracture.
Some men are chasing more than pleasure.
They’re chasing control.
They’re chasing the illusion that they can override the stories they never healed from.
“He cheated on me at the same age his father cheated on his mother.”
That’s what one of my clients said to me, her voice shaking, baby on her hip, disbelief still raw in her throat.
Her husband hadn’t just left—he had replayed a trauma from his own childhood.
And that’s the part nobody talks about enough.
Affairs aren’t always about lust.
Sometimes, they’re attempts to rewrite personal history.
To gain power over a narrative that once made them feel helpless.
But instead of healing it… they recreate it.
And now you’re the collateral damage in a wound they’ve never been brave enough to face.
Some men—especially the emotionally stunted, the spiritually unrooted, the shame-fueled—will seek connection through sabotage.
Because real intimacy? Real presence?
That requires vulnerability.
And if they’ve never learned how to be vulnerable without punishment, they’ll flee the moment love gets too real.
So no—this wasn’t about you.
It was about him.
About the little boy in him who never felt safe.
About the man who confuses being wanted with being worthy.
About the deep, buried belief that chaos feels like home.
You didn’t cause that.
You walked into it, believing it was a relationship—
when it was really a performance.
And now, you’re waking up.
Why High-Functioning Women Get Blindsided
You don’t lose your instincts.
You override them.
Especially when someone comes in strong—attentive, affectionate, future-focused.
You mistake the intensity for safety.
You tell yourself, finally—someone who sees me.
But love bombing isn’t love. It’s emotional hijacking.
And if you’re wired to lead, to nurture, to believe the best in people…
you might not see it until it’s too late.
You don’t get blindsided because you’re foolish.
You get blindsided because you’re hopeful.
Because you showed up with your heart open—and assumed he did too.
But here’s the truth: some men don’t fall in love with you—they fall in love with the version of themselves they get to be around you.
Confident. Desired. In control. Seen.
And when your presence starts challenging that image—when you need them to grow, deepen, or stay honest—the mask slips.
This is where the disorientation sets in.
You replay conversations, analyze tone shifts, second-guess your gut.
You go into spreadsheets and trauma mode at the same time:
making lists of inconsistencies while still trying to “work on the relationship.”
You were never missing the signs.
You were overriding them—because the person he pretended to be made you feel safe.
That’s not stupidity.
That’s what happens when trust is weaponized.
You’re not some helpless victim.
You’re a high-functioning woman who got caught in a very real, very sophisticated emotional trap.
And now you’re waking up to just how deep that trap goes.
The good news?
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
And that’s where your power starts returning.
The Illusion of Control: How He Hid in the Performance
You weren’t paranoid. You were targeted—by a highly polished emotional performance. Here’s how it works.
🎭 Love Bombing as a Manipulation Tactic
“Love bombing” isn’t romantic; it’s manipulative. Psychology Today defines it as “overly affectionate behavior… deployed in order to gain the upper hand…and increase dependence”
That rush of texts, calls, compliments, and future-talk flooded your brain with dopamine. But underneath? It was a calculated push to hijack your trust—and your nervous system.
One study linked love bombing with narcissism and insecure attachment, often marking the beginning of an idealize‑devalue‑discard cycle.
That charm? It wasn’t brief infatuation—it was weaponized intimacy. It pulled you into believing you’d uncovered something genuine. But once you were in, the performance shifted.
🧩 Attachment Avoidance and Infidelity
Men with avoidant or dismissive attachment styles—those who emotionally distance as intimacy deepens—are significantly more likely to cheat.
- These men “run away from closeness” and use infidelity as an emotional escape hatch.
- Multiple studies have verified that higher attachment anxiety and avoidance are both significantly correlated with marital infidelity.1,2,3
🔍 The Performance Breakdown
They craft a version of himself that operates as a mask:
Stage 1: Idealization—they make you feel seen, special, extraordinary.
Stage 2: Devaluation—real intimacy pushes against their walls, so they withdraw, distract, or deny.
Stage 3: Discard—when confronted, the performance cracks, leaving you scrambling for answers.
This cycle isn’t a mistake—it’s precisely how emotionally avoidant people maintain control without owning their dysfunction.
🔥 What This Means For You
You didn’t miss red flags—you were meeting their script’s narrative.
You didn’t misunderstand—they offered you gold so you wouldn’t notice the trap.
Your shock isn’t evidence of failure—it’s evidence that you had compassion. And that’s what made the performance believable.
Now that it’s over, that clarity is your greatest answer.
If You Were the “Other Woman”—You’re Still Not to Blame
You didn’t wake up one day and say, “I’d like to become someone’s side piece.”
Maybe you thought he was separated.
Maybe he promised he was leaving.
Maybe you just felt something real—and by the time you saw the red flags, you were already emotionally invested.
And now you feel like hell.
You’re not alone.
And you’re not trash.
The truth is, smart, capable, emotionally intelligent women end up in these situations more often than you think.
Not because they’re desperate.
But because they’re wounded and loyal—and loyalty, when misdirected, becomes a cage.
You didn’t fall for him.
You fell for the version of yourself that came alive when you were with him.
You felt needed.
Desired.
Chosen.
And maybe—for a while—that overpowered the part of you that knew this wasn’t right.
That he wasn’t truly available.
That your nervous system was running on fantasy and shame.
Here’s what nobody says out loud:
Sometimes we choose unavailable partners not out of recklessness—but out of deep, unresolved trauma.
“Trying to ‘fix’ someone who’s not available can be a way for really unhappy and emotionally struggling people to cope.”
You wrote that. And it’s still true.
You weren’t seeking chaos. You were seeking worth.
And you got caught in a story that mirrored your own pain.
Whether he had power, fame, a drinking problem, or just enough charm to dull your intuition—
his emotional dysfunction synced up with something in you that needed healing.
That doesn’t make you evil.
It makes you human.
Now you get to choose something else.
Not out of shame.
Not out of punishment.
But because your healing has caught up with your heart.
The Rebuild: Reclaiming Clarity, Power, and Peace
You don’t have to “get over it.”
You have to see it clearly—so it doesn’t shape you in the dark.
Because this wasn’t just heartbreak.
It was betrayal layered with performance, shame, and manipulation.
And if you don’t name it fully, you risk carrying the wreckage into every future connection.
But here’s what’s sacred:
You’re already rebuilding.
Not with a new partner.
Not with revenge.
With truth.
You’re reclaiming the parts of you that got twisted in his story.
The instincts you silenced.
The needs you downplayed.
The fire you dimmed to stay chosen.
That’s not weakness.
That’s emotional sobriety.
That’s you coming back to yourself—not in fragments, but in wholeness.
Maybe you still cry.
Maybe the shame still buzzes at 2am.
That doesn’t mean you’re not healing.
It means your body is finally catching up to the clarity your soul has known all along:
It wasn’t you. And you’re done carrying what wasn’t yours.
You don’t need to punish yourself to grow.
You don’t need to relive it to understand.
You just need to stay with the truth long enough to let it rewrite you.
And that’s already happening.
Quietly. Powerfully.
With every breath you take back.
With every version of you that no longer performs.
💭 FAQ: The Thoughts That Won’t Let You Go
Q: Was any of it real?
Yes—and no.
The connection you felt was real. But the container it was in wasn’t.
You weren’t faking it. He was performing. There’s a difference.
Q: Why do I still miss him—even after everything?
Because your body remembers the intensity, not the truth.
That’s not weakness. That’s trauma untangling itself.
Q: Am I just broken?
No. You were just honest in a dishonest situation.
And that doesn’t make you broken—it makes you ready for something real.
Final Thoughts: You’re Already Rebuilding
Infidelity shatters more than trust.
It cracks your sense of reality.
Your identity.
Your judgment.
But here’s what you’re doing now:
You’re rebuilding not just what was lost—
You’re rebuilding who you are without the distortion.
And that’s no small thing.
Whether you were the wife, the other woman, or somewhere in between—
you’re not here because you failed.
You’re here because you finally stopped performing.
And that’s where your leadership begins again.
If you’re ready to stop performing and start healing—for real—I’d be honored to support you.
💛 Work with me, Denise G. Lee – Together, we’ll untangle the deeper patterns holding you back and create clear, practical strategies that match you. No hype. No formulas. Just honest, personalized support.
👉 Explore working together
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And just in case no one’s reminded you lately:
Leadership isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about being present. Being willing.
Showing up with your scars, not just your strengths.
That’s what makes it powerful.
That’s what makes it real.
