You Didn’t “Grow Apart”—You Stopped Growing Together
She always thought she’d see it coming.
If a marriage was going to end—there’d be yelling. Affairs. Some dramatic, undeniable rupture.
But it wasn’t like that.
One day, she looked at him across the table and saw it.
Not just the weariness in his face.
But the quiet ache in his body. The emotional vacancy.
The deep, unspoken truth: he had been in pain for a long time.
And she hadn’t noticed.
It wasn’t a midlife crisis.
It was something more intimate. More unsettling.
It was the realization that somewhere along the way, they stopped growing together.
And now…
They weren’t really in a marriage.
They were in a contract. A schedule. A shared silence.
This post isn’t about blame.
It’s about what happens when women emotionally check out of their marriages without even realizing it.
The Layers We’ll Explore
🫥 Emotional Distance Doesn’t Start Loud—It Starts Quiet
Let’s peel back the curtain on emotional distance—what it looks like for each partner, how it quietly builds, and why ignoring it can silently unravel the entire relationship.
💔 HIM
He didn’t want to pull away.
He wanted to be chosen.
Not just needed as a provider.
Not tolerated as a co-parent.
But chosen—as a man with feelings, questions, softness, and weight.
But over the years, something shifted.
He stopped sharing his fears.
Stopped asking for affection.
Stopped initiating conversation that didn’t revolve around logistics.
Not because he stopped caring.
But because the emotional space felt unavailable.
He learned to be useful.
Not vulnerable.
A 2019 Journal of Marriage and Family study found that men in long-term relationships who perceive emotional rejection from their partners report higher levels of depression and loneliness—even if the relationship is “stable” on paper.
🧍🏾♀️ HER
She didn’t wake up and decide to emotionally check out.
She slid into it—through responsibility, overwhelm, and stories passed down from the women before her.
She was told:
“Men are emotionally stunted—just do it yourself.”
“You can’t expect him to show up for you.”
“Be the strong one. Be the planner. Be the emotional glue.”
So she did.
Until the glue hardened.
And she realized: she had stopped showing up emotionally too.
She loved her children.
She maintained the household.
But somewhere along the line, her husband became a logistical partner—not a soul connection.
“If a woman never saw a healthy man emotionally available to her mother, she’s not just lacking a model—she’s inheriting a survival strategy.”
— Terry Real, author of Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
🤝 THEIR PARNTERSHIP
They didn’t mean to become strangers.
But they both internalized patterns that felt normal—because they were everywhere.
She grew up watching women over-function.
He grew up watching men emotionally shut down.
She was praised for independence.
He was shamed for emotional need.
And together?
They confused function for intimacy.
They created safety, but not vulnerability.
They shared goals, but not selves.
By the time the marriage “felt off,”
it wasn’t because they didn’t love each other.
It was because they’d never fully learned how to love each other while staying emotionally honest.
The Gottman Institute reports that “emotional withdrawal,” not conflict, is the top predictor of divorce—especially when both partners feel unseen or unprioritized.
🧨 When Emotional Distance Gets Mistaken for “Normal”
By the time a marriage feels hollow,
most people don’t say, “We’re emotionally starving each other.”
They say, “This is just what happens.”
But the problem isn’t just the silence between partners—
it’s the noise around them telling them that silence is normal.
💬 The Trash Advice That Poses as Truth
“Girl, he’s such a baby.”
No—he’s overwhelmed and scared and never taught to name it.
But if your girlfriends treat male vulnerability as weakness,
you will too.“You just need to do what makes you happy.”
Usually from that one friend who’s been through three toxic situationships
and gives you “advice” that’s just disguised pain.
Their love for you doesn’t make them emotionally safe to guide you.“He should know how you feel.”
As if men are walking empathy radars.
As if relationships don’t require language.
As if weaponized guessing is intimacy.
We’re swimming in emotionally stunted commentary
from friends, influencers, and generational scripts
that confuse independence with avoidance,
and loyalty with enabling.
🧔🏾♂️ What He’s Carrying (and Pretending Not To)
From boyhood, he’s been told:
“Be a man.”
“Don’t talk back to your woman.”
“Make money. Don’t make drama.”
“Let her run the home. Just stay out of the way.”
So he brings home the paycheck.
Laughs with his boys.
Numbs the ache with hobbies.
And calls it a good life.
But deep down?
He feels like a guest in his own marriage.
Not because he’s cruel.
But because he’s been told his emotional presence isn’t necessary.
Just his performance.
🏚️ What We Inherited—and Never Questioned
The old-world models many of us are still mimicking?
They were built in survival times. This was when:
Marriage was about merging land, not merging souls
There were famines, not therapy
You didn’t need to be emotionally known—just legally paired
But today, we want intimacy.
We want connection.
We want marriages that feel alive.
And yet, we’re still running relationship code from 1823
while wondering why our hearts feel like they’re starving in 2025.
💣 When Ideologies Replace Intimacy
You’ve got the rage-fueled feminists who say:
“Men are basically useless—just raise your kids and find meaning in your girl tribe.”
You’ve got the Red Pill disciples who say:
“Women were happier barefoot in the kitchen with no opinion and good makeup.”
Neither wants to talk about emotional labor.
Neither wants to build with the other.
They just want to win.
And call it “truth.”
💌 You’re Not Cold—You’re Carrying Too Much Alone
If this post is stirring something deep, you’re not broken—you’re awakening. I send out a weekly note for women (and leaders of all kinds) who are done pretending and ready to heal what’s been hidden. It’s honest. Reflective. And it’ll help you make sense of the tangled stuff no one talks about.
🧠 Reclaiming Emotional Responsibility (Without the Noise)
You can’t lead others while quietly bleeding out in your marriage.
You can’t keep showing up as a visionary in business, ministry, or community
while silently avoiding the one place that’s supposed to hold your heart.
At some point, you have to ask:
“What am I allowing into this relationship that is quietly poisoning it?”
And for many of us, the answer is:
Internet commentary soaked in bitterness, fear, and projection
Friends who haven’t healed but still want to advise
Pride that won’t let us go first
Unspoken grief about the intimacy we never learned to receive
🧹 When You Stop Letting Noise Be Your Compass
At some point, you have to close the browser.
You stop letting anonymous strangers tell you what your marriage should feel like.
You stop downloading emotional commentary from content creators
who haven’t done a day of healing but are monetizing your pain.
You stop texting your “ride or die” friend
who has never modeled healthy love
and always has a side-eye opinion about your partner
(but never about your patterns).
You stop asking emotionally stunted men
to explain emotionally available masculinity.
And you stop asking emotionally bitter women
to help you build love when they’ve only known war.
🔦 So What Do You Do Instead?
You don’t need a “5-step plan.”
You need clarity, curiosity, and courage.
Here are a few places to begin—quietly, consistently:
💡 Real Ideas for Reconnection & Responsibility
Stop writing emotional fiction.
If you feel abandoned or overwhelmed, say it.
Don’t wait for a full-blown crisis to start telling the truth.Audit the voices you trust.
Ask yourself:“Has this person built what I want?”
If not, why are they shaping your beliefs about love?Relearn what intimacy means.
Intimacy isn’t just sex or talking.
It’s presence. It’s curiosity.
It’s letting someone see you where you don’t have answers.Take yourself off the emotional pedestal.
You’re not the emotionally evolved one if your vulnerability stops at helping others.
You have to receive love too—without controlling how it comes.Let go of needing to be right.
Some people stay stuck because they’d rather “win” than heal.
But healing never happens in a courtroom. It happens in mutual surrender.
The truth is:
You don’t have to stay disconnected
just because disconnection was familiar.
You can start again.
From where you are.
With what’s real.
Without the noise.
And if your relationship can’t hold that truth?
Then at least you’ll know you brought your whole self to the table.
Not just your performance.
Not just your pain.
But your clarity.
And that?
That’s where real love begins.
💬 Frequently Asked (and Misunderstood) Questions
Q: Are you saying women are to blame when a man checks out—or cheats?
Absolutely not. Emotional distance is a mutual pattern, not a personal indictment. But if we don’t look at both sides with honesty, we can’t heal the system. For a deeper dive into male behavior in infidelity, read:
👉 The Truth About Cheating in Relationships
Q: What if he was emotionally unavailable from the start?
That matters. And still—how we respond to that emotional wall matters too. Many of us are reenacting scripts we didn’t choose but unconsciously accepted. If you’re seeing repeated toxic dynamics, this will help:
👉 Toxic Romantic Relationship Patterns
Q: Is emotional distance always a warning sign of infidelity?
Not always—but it can be fertile ground for it. Most affairs don’t begin with lust; they begin with loneliness, avoidance, or unresolved pain. To understand the deeper layers behind why men stray, visit:
👉 The Complex Dynamics of Infidelity
💛 Final Thoughts + What Healing Can Actually Look Like
We tell ourselves it’s just a rough patch. A season. A personality mismatch. But emotional distance doesn’t usually arrive with a dramatic slam of the door. It creeps in through assumptions, silence, generational scripts, and unspoken grief.
Maybe you’re realizing you didn’t “grow apart.”
You just stopped growing together.
And no one taught you how to say that out loud.
This isn’t about fault. It’s about courage. The courage to name what wasn’t modeled. To rewrite what was inherited. To stop asking emotionally unavailable friends for advice on emotional availability. And to finally tell the truth: you want more—and you’re willing to heal to have it.
Ready to go deeper?
If this landed in your gut—not just your inbox—it might be time for something deeper.
💛 Work with me, Denise G. Lee
I help emotionally intelligent leaders untangle the patterns that keep their relationships strained, their leadership stunted, and their hearts stuck in past roles.
👉 Explore coaching
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💌 Have a lot on your heart and not sure where to begin?
You can write me directly.
👉 Send a message
And if no one’s said it to you yet:
You’re not failing.
You’re just waking up.
And that’s what healing looks like.
