Feedback: Embracing Positive Feedback for Personal Growth
Are you sensitive to others’ comments? As much as I’d like to admit that I’m beyond all negativity, sometimes things can really get under my skin. Being human means we interact with people who can’t read minds and don’t know when we might feel hurt or upset by certain ideas or how we deliver our ideas.
As a healing and leadership coach, I know that dealing with people is not optional. So, this article will dive less into how to understand others and more importantly, how you can improve your emotional intelligence and appropriately handle feedback from others.
But haven't you written about handling comments or criticism before, Denise?
The short answer is yes, I have.
In my article “Embracing Constructive Criticism,” I talk about my own experience with getting feedback and why it’s important for getting better. I believe it’s important to appreciate feedback and see it as a chance to improve.
On the other hand, in “Use Negative Comments & Criticism to Help You Grow Emotionally,” I talk about why it’s tough for us to handle criticism and offer ways to handle it better. Here, I encourage readers to confront their past hurts and use criticism as a chance to become better versions of themselves.
This article is different, as we will focus on the reasons why we struggle with receiving comments from others and how to improve our emotional intelligence. This is important because you cannot improve any relationship until you learn how to keep your own emotions in check. First, let’s define emotional intelligence.
What is emotional intelligence?
“So you might be wondering, ‘What is emotional intelligence, actually? And how does it relate to feedback?’
Great questions! Let me explain.
Emotional intelligence is about understanding and managing feelings, both your own and others’. It’s a special skill that helps you recognize how you’re feeling, control those feelings, and understand how they affect other people. It helps you handle tough situations better and build good relationships with others.
So when we try to avoid feedback (or give feedback as needed), we miss a great growth opportunity. That’s why in this article, we will talk about how we can bomb receiving feedback and how it hurts us.
First, let’s talk about how we could avoid advice in our personal life and then move into how we could avoid it in our professional life.
When there is nobody else in their world who feels brave enough to say anything, not only do you limit your company, but you also limit your ability to think objectively.
How Not Being Able to Take Feedback in Our Personal Life Can Harm Us
To keep everyone happy (including you), I made up some pretend stories about how people dodge feedback. Each story shows a different way people avoid feedback and why it’s not good.
We’ll talk about denial, avoiding, getting defensive, and making excuses. These are common ways people avoid feedback and don’t learn much emotionally.
As you read these stories, think about if you’ve ever done something similar, either now or before.
Denial
Situation: Sarah finds it hard to believe or accept feedback from her spouse about her spending habits. Even though her spouse tells her many times about their tight budget and how her spending affects it, Sarah won’t admit that she spends too much. This disagreement causes arguments between them and puts pressure on their relationship and money situation.
Avoidance
Situation: Tom’s friends get concerned about how much he drinks when they’re together. They try to talk to him about it, telling him they’re worried about his health and happiness. But instead of dealing with it, Tom avoids the topic completely. He keeps on drinking a lot, not listening to his friends’ advice, which could harm his health and friendships.
Why Denial and Avoidance Hurt Everyone
Sarah’s husband and Tom’s friends both want to help, but they can’t because Sarah and Tom don’t want to deal with the issue. As a result, they are both being harmed not only financially (drinking in pubs and restaurants isn’t cheap), but they are also risking the relationships that matter most to them.
To make matters worse, there is nobody else in their world who feels brave enough to say anything because these two don’t want to confront their own issues, which limits their ability to think objectively.
Now, let’s see another set of examples of how inability to receive feedback hurts us in the business world.
How Not Being Able to Take Feedback in Our Professional Life Can Harm Us
Defensiveness
Situation: Mark is a manager at a company. His team tells him that he checks their work too much, which makes them feel stressed and less motivated.
Instead of listening to what they say, Mark gets defensive. He tells them they don’t know how busy he is or how important it is to do things perfectly. Because of this, his team feels like he doesn’t appreciate them, and they’re not as happy, which affects their work.
Rationalization
Situation: Lisa runs an e-commerce business. Some of her customers tell her that they are unhappy with the quality of her products. Instead of accepting the feedback, Lisa makes excuses.
She says that her products are good enough and blames other things like shipping delays or the customers not understanding how to use the products properly. But because she doesn’t take their feedback seriously, her customers start to lose trust in her brand, and her sales drop.
Why Denial and Avoidance Hurt Everyone
As business owners, it’s important for us to delegate tasks and be open to feedback so we don’t end up in unnecessary problems. But if we try to please everyone too much, nothing gets done.
In the example with Lisa and Mark, both of these leaders are ignoring the fact that their team members are less productive and less happy because they’re defensive and making excuses.
As a coach, my job is to help you, the leader, recognize when you’re going from being focused on the mission to being careless and risky.
Didn’t see anything that relates to you? That’s okay. Next, I’ll share some other ways we might avoid feedback.
It HURTS to hear not-so-positive comments, especially those that do not make us feel beautiful, sexy, and wonderful 24/7. However, when we only block out the bad, we ultimately make things worse for ourselves in the long term.
Other Unhelpful Ways to Avoid Helpful Feedback
I mentioned stories of avoidance, defensiveness, denial, and rationalization, but that is not the complete list. Here are all the ways we can ruin relationships due to our fears and worries:
- Denial: Refusing to acknowledge or accept feedback, often by denying that there’s a problem.
- Avoidance: Ignoring or evading feedback by not addressing the issue or changing the subject.
- Defensiveness: Becoming defensive when receiving feedback, deflecting blame, or making excuses.
- Rationalization: Justifying or explaining away feedback instead of taking it seriously.
- Minimization: Downplaying the significance of feedback, dismissing it as unimportant or irrelevant.
- Blame-Shifting: Shifting the focus away from oneself by blaming others or external factors for the problem.
- Anger: Reacting angrily or aggressively to feedback, possibly lashing out at the person providing it.
- Withdrawal: Withdrawing from the situation or relationship to avoid confronting or dealing with the feedback.
- Procrastination: Delaying or putting off addressing the feedback, hoping the issue will resolve itself.
- Dismissal: Dismissing feedback outright without considering its validity or potential for improvement.
In psychology, these are called cognitive dissonance, which means our thoughts don’t match reality. When someone doesn’t feel safe or secure, it’s easier to stick to these thoughts. But it’s not helpful because we’re not open to different perspectives.
The image below summarizes the unhealthy ways to deal with feedback. Next, let’s talk about how we positively embrace feedback from others.
How to Embrace Positive Feedback
Positive feedback is feedback that is meant to help you improve. Instead of seeing it as an attack, see it as a chance to get better. Here are some simple steps to embrace positive feedback:
1. Listen Carefully
Example: Imagine you’re the owner of a small marketing agency. One of your team members tells you that clients have mentioned wanting more innovative campaign ideas. Instead of interrupting or defending your current strategies, listen carefully to what your team member is saying. This can give you valuable insights into client needs and preferences.
2. Stay Calm
Example: As a restaurant manager, you receive feedback from a customer about a dish they didn’t enjoy. Instead of getting upset or defensive, stay calm and thank the customer for their honesty. This approach not only shows professionalism but also opens the door to improving your menu and service quality.
3. Ask Questions
Example: You run a tech startup and a user reports a bug in your software. Instead of assuming you know the issue, ask questions to understand the problem fully. For instance, “Can you describe what you were doing when the bug occurred?” or “How often does this issue happen?” This will help you gather detailed information to fix the problem effectively.
4. Reflect
Example: As the CEO of a growing company, you receive feedback that your communication style in meetings is sometimes unclear. Take time to reflect on this feedback. Think about past meetings and consider whether you might have rushed through important points or used jargon that not everyone understood. This reflection can guide you to improve your communication style.
5. Take Action
Example: You manage a retail store and employees suggest that the layout is causing bottlenecks during busy hours. After listening, staying calm, asking questions, and reflecting on their feedback, you decide to rearrange the store layout. This action not only improves workflow but also shows your team that their feedback is valued and acted upon.
I hope these tips help. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final thoughts
Dealing with messy thoughts and unclear solutions can lead us to do things that are really unhelpful, for us and everyone around us.
The best thing we can do is to catch ourselves in these moments and ask ourselves, ‘Is this helpful?’ or ‘What is really going on?’ Just doing that can help us feel brave enough to ask ourselves whether we are ignoring reality and seek the help we need.
If you need more help feeling safe with yourself and others, don’t hesitate to contact me. Dive deeper into this issue by listening to this episode from my podcast.
