Emotional Safety: Spotting Telltale Signs of Narcissism
- Updated: March 14, 2025
Have you ever noticed how some people will do anything to stay in control—even if it means tearing others down?
Think about the classic Disney movie Snow White. The Evil Queen couldn’t stand the idea that someone else might be more beautiful than her. When her magic mirror confirmed her worst fear, she didn’t just get upset—she plotted to destroy Snow White altogether.
That level of obsession, entitlement, and ruthless ambition? That’s narcissism in action.
I’m Denise G. Lee, a Healing and Leadership Coach, and I help people recognize the emotional and relational traps that keep them stuck. Narcissism isn’t just an overused buzzword—it’s a real, dangerous mindset that can wreak havoc in business, relationships, and everyday interactions.
In this article, we’ll break down:
- What narcissism actually is (and what it isn’t)
- The key differences between narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy
- The five types of narcissists—and how to spot them
- How to keep yourself from slipping into unhealthy behaviors
Let’s get into it. But before we talk about how narcissism shows up in everyday life, let’s take a quick step back. Where did this term even come from?
What Is Narcissism, Really?
The word “narcissism” comes from Metamorphoses, a poem by the Roman writer Ovid, written in AD 8.
The story follows Narcissus, a young man so strikingly handsome that everyone who saw him fell in love. But Narcissus? He had no interest in anyone. He rejected every admirer, including Echo, a nymph cursed to only repeat the words of others.
As a punishment for his arrogance, the gods made Narcissus fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Completely obsessed, he stared at his image for so long that he eventually wasted away and died.
His name became the root of the word narcissism—a fitting legacy for someone who couldn’t love anyone but himself.
Below is an image that captures Narcissus’ self-obsession.
It’s easy to hear the story of Narcissus and assume that anyone who’s self-focused must be a narcissist. But that’s not quite true.
Sorry, Not Everyone is Narcissistic
These days, the word narcissist gets thrown around way too easily. Anytime someone puts themselves first or acts in their own interest, people are quick to label them as narcissistic. But self-motivation isn’t the same as narcissism.
The other day, I came across a comment on social media:
“But maybe they’re not actually occupied with this, but their “visible goals.”. They work to be as far from this as possible, and discount or disregard anyone and anything that could interfere or negatively impact their reaching their goal, such as social status and material goals.”
This person was actually describing sociopathy, not narcissism. It’s a common mistake. While narcissists, sociopaths, and even psychopaths share some overlapping traits, they are not the same.
So, let’s clear things up. In the next section, we’ll break down narcissism vs. sociopathy—what they have in common and where they differ.
Psychopaths and Sociopaths: Understanding the Key Differences
Many of us have encountered a narcissist, psychopath, or sociopath—maybe we’ve befriended them, dated them, or even married them.
We’ve invested emotionally, financially, or professionally, only to realize it was a one-sided transaction. These individuals questioned our self-worth, manipulated our perception of reality, and left destruction in their wake.
Let’s break down what makes psychopaths and sociopaths different—and why their behavior is often confused with narcissism.
Psychopaths: Masters of Deception
💬 Common phrase: “Is this really a problem? You always overreact.”
A hallmark of psychopathy is distorting reality. Psychopaths twist facts, lie effortlessly, and manipulate people into questioning their own experiences. Unlike sociopaths, who are impulsive and reckless, psychopaths are calculated, patient, and eerily calm.
They have no real emotional attachment to others, but they excel at faking it. Their charm is superficial, their emotions rehearsed, and their relationships transactional. The goal? Total control.
Psychopaths also come in different forms. According to a 2003 research paper, there are four subtypes of psychopathy:
- Narcissistic Psychopaths – Obsessed with their self-image and power.
- Borderline Psychopaths – Prone to emotional outbursts but still manipulative.
- Sadistic Psychopaths – Derive pleasure from hurting others.
- Antisocial Psychopaths – Reckless, law-breaking, and dangerous.
So, are all psychopaths narcissists? Yes and no.
While many psychopathic traits overlap with narcissism—like a lack of empathy and grandiosity—psychopaths are far more dangerous. They don’t just crave admiration like narcissists; they enjoy deceiving, controlling, and even hurting others.
Psychopaths with severe traits make up only 1% of the population, but they’re the ones we often see as villains in movies and TV. Think of the Joker from Batman—a textbook example of a sadistic, narcissistic psychopath who thrives on chaos and manipulation.
But here’s something worth noting: While only a small percentage of people are full-blown psychopaths, research suggests that up to 30% of us have some psychopathic traits. This doesn’t mean most people are dangerous—it just means that traits like charm, lack of empathy, or risk-taking exist on a spectrum rather than an all-or-nothing label.
Next, let’s talk about sociopaths.
Sociopaths: Manipulators with an Agenda
💬 Common phrase: “I love how being with your family has improved my life.”
Unlike psychopaths, sociopaths have a grip on reality—but they see people as tools for personal gain. They are not as calculated as psychopaths, but they are just as self-serving and exploitative.
If a sociopath sees you as valuable—whether because of money, status, or influence—they’ll charm their way into your life. But the moment you become a liability or they can no longer benefit from you, they vanish without a second thought.
Anna Delvey: The Fake Heiress Who Played NYC
A great real-world example? Anna Delvey, the fake heiress who scammed New York’s elite.
She pretended to be a wealthy European socialite, convincing high-profile people to cover her lavish lifestyle. When questioned about unpaid bills, she masterfully flipped the blame:
💬 “I thought you were one of the smart ones. Guess not.”
🔎 Translation: Only fools question me. You’re not a fool, are you?
In reality, she was broke, living off smoke and mirrors, and manipulating people into financing her fabricated status.
Sociopaths tend to be impulsive and emotionally reactive, but they lack guilt or loyalty just the same. They can be highly charismatic, but it’s all an act—one designed to manipulate and control.
If you want to dive deeper into sociopathy, M. Scott Peck’s book, People of the Lie, explores sociopaths, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and other psychological disorders.
Not all manipulators are sociopaths or psychopaths. In fact, many people who exhibit self-centered behavior aren’t necessarily dangerous—they might just be narcissistic. But even narcissism isn’t one-size-fits-all.
The Many Faces of Narcissism: Adaptive vs. Maladaptive
When people hear the word narcissist, they usually think of someone who’s arrogant, selfish, or attention-seeking. But narcissism isn’t that simple—it actually exists on a spectrum.
At one end, adaptive narcissism can be a good thing. At the other, maladaptive narcissism can destroy relationships and cause emotional harm.
Let’s start with the healthy side of narcissism.
What is Adaptive Narcissism?
Some level of narcissism is natural—and even necessary. Adaptive narcissism is about having a healthy sense of self-worth and knowing what you need to thrive.
- ✅ Confidence – Believing in yourself without tearing others down.
- ✅ Self-awareness – Understanding your needs and setting boundaries.
- ✅ Resilience – Pushing through challenges without crumbling.
For single people, adaptive narcissism helps with self-advocacy—communicating your needs in dating and relationships.
For those recovering from codependency, learning to prioritize yourself is essential. Redirecting energy from unhealthy attachments (such as an addict or toxic partner) toward self-growth is a crucial part of healing.
The Key is Balance
There’s nothing wrong with self-care and confidence, but self-absorption at the expense of others is where it becomes a problem. Emotionally healthy people consider their needs while still respecting others. They recognize their impact, set boundaries, and show empathy.
I recently talked about this on social media, but now let’s go deeper. In the next section, we’ll look at maladaptive narcissism—the side that damages relationships and emotional well-being.
Question from @LianaDoesntKare:
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) July 31, 2024
Do narcissists ever change, or do they forever avoid taking responsibility for the harms they intentionally cause?
Great question.
First, I want to say something really important:
We all have a bit of narcissism in us.
It’s actually…
Maladaptive Narcissism: When Self-Confidence Becomes Destructive
Psychology professor Jean Twenge explains it best:
“Narcissism exists both as a trait, which is on a spectrum, and a personality disorder, which is much more extreme and debilitating.”
In other words, not all narcissism is harmful—but when it crosses into maladaptive narcissism, it becomes a serious problem.
There are many forms of narcissism, but for simplicity, let’s focus on the five most common types.
The 5 Types of Maladaptive Narcissists
1. Overt Narcissists (“Look at Me!”)
The most obvious kind. Overt narcissists love the spotlight, brag about their achievements, and never admit their faults. They believe they are superior and will make sure everyone around them knows it.
💬 Common trait: “I’m the best, and you’re just jealous.”
2. Covert Narcissists (“Poor Me!”)
Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists don’t seek admiration through arrogance—they play the victim. Whenever trouble strikes, they turn the conversation back to their struggles, their pain, and their suffering, while avoiding real introspection.
💬 Common trait: “You think you’re struggling? Let me tell you how much worse my life is.”
3. Antagonistic Narcissists (“I’m Better Than You!”)
Think of movies like Heathers or Mean Girls—these narcissists thrive on competition and tearing others down. They always have to one-up, outshine, or outlast whoever they see as a threat.
💬 Common trait: “You’re not good enough to be in my circle.”
4. Communal Narcissists (“I’m the Most Righteous!”)
These narcissists disguise their self-obsession as moral virtue. They present themselves as social activists, “good people,” or “heroes,” but underneath, it’s all about status and self-importance—not actual change.
💬 Common trait: “I care more than anyone else. Why isn’t everyone praising me for it?”
5. Malignant Narcissists (“I Enjoy Hurting You.”)
This is where narcissism crosses into dangerous territory. Malignant narcissists take pleasure in manipulation, deception, and even cruelty. They use your insecurities and fears against you, turning everyday interactions into a game of control.
💬 Common trait: “I’ll make you doubt yourself until you have no idea what’s real.”
The image below provides more details about each type. Next, let’s discuss how someone becomes a maladaptive narcissist.
Where Does Narcissism Come From?
No one is born a narcissist. Like any learned behavior, maladaptive narcissism has a cause—and that means it can also be understood, addressed, and even healed.
For many, these tendencies start in childhood. If you grew up in a home where narcissistic behaviors were normalized, it can be hard to recognize what healthy relationships should look like.
If this sounds familiar, you might find yourself:
- Pushing people around to get your way without realizing it.
- Constantly needing validation from others to feel secure.
- Feeling overwhelmed by emotions like anxiety or fear but unsure how to express them.
The Dangers of Unchecked Narcissism
If left unchecked, maladaptive narcissism can create a toxic cycle—one where you avoid responsibility, blame others for your problems, and push away the very people who care about you. This can lead to codependency, broken relationships, and even addiction.
That’s why it’s so important to break the pattern by:
- ✅ Respecting others’ opinions and boundaries.
- ✅ Taking responsibility for your actions.
- ✅ Communicating honestly—without bulldozing or manipulating.
It takes time, effort, and self-awareness, but it is possible to unlearn damaging behaviors and build healthier relationships.
In the next section, we’ll talk about how to keep yourself from slipping into maladaptive narcissism—and what to do if you recognize this or any other maladaptive patterns in yourself.
The biggest fear of any narcissist is having to confront the feelings that they work SO HARD to avoid themselves. And in the process of trying to gaslight themselves from reality, a narcissist is desperate to have you discount your feelings and your perception of reality.
How to Prevent Yourself from Slipping into Maladaptive Narcissism
If you want to avoid falling into unhealthy narcissistic patterns, there are two key steps:
1️⃣ Examine your expectations
2️⃣ Take personal inventory
Let’s start with expectations.
Step 1: Examine Your Expectations
In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to feel stressed, overwhelmed, or frustrated. But before blaming external factors, it’s important to ask:
👉🏾Am I contributing to the problem or the solution?
That means taking a hard look at your expectations—what’s frustrating you, what needs feel unmet, and whether you’re relying too much on others to meet them.
Honesty is Key to Growth
Being honest with yourself about what you truly need can be uncomfortable. Sometimes, it means having hard conversations with family, friends, or colleagues to set boundaries and communicate more clearly.
But here’s the truth: Taking responsibility for your own thoughts and actions leads to healthier relationships.
The ultimate betrayal doesn't occur with people. Rather, it starts when you disregard the signs and symptoms that indicate you are not living with inner integrity with yourself.
Step 2: Take Personal Inventory
Now, it’s time for introspection—examining whether the people and situations in your life are there by choice or by default.
Why is Introspection Important?
When done correctly, introspection helps you avoid dumping emotional baggage onto others. But without structure, it can lead to cognitive distortions—where old wounds, unspoken rules, and present fears mix into a confusing spiral of negativity.
If you don’t have a trusted support system (which I highly recommend), the next best thing is to create a structured process for sorting your thoughts and maintaining emotional integrity.
Questions to Ask Yourself
Whenever you feel triggered or find yourself spiraling into pain-filled thoughts, grab a journal and write these down:
1️⃣ What do I need most right now?
People raised in emotionally painful environments often struggle to recognize their own needs—whether it’s rest, sleep, food, or play. Start with basic self-care first.
2️⃣ Where is this feeling coming from?
Many present-day emotional triggers stem from childhood experiences. Identify how you felt then and connect it to how you feel now.
3️⃣ Am I seeing this situation clearly?
Perspective is everything. Focus on what’s within your control. If you feel unsafe, shift your attention to actions that help you regain power.
4️⃣ What steps can I take to feel secure?
Find healthy coping mechanisms, such as:
- ✅ Delegating difficult tasks
- ✅ Practicing meditation or prayer
- ✅ Joining a support group
- ✅ Seeking coaching or therapy
Remember, you know what works best for you. The goal isn’t to avoid discomfort—it’s to face it with clarity and integrity. The image below sums up these questions.
Next Up: Final Thoughts
The way forward isn’t about perfection—it’s about awareness and intentional change. In the next section, I’ll share my final thoughts on embracing emotional integrity and breaking free from toxic patterns.
Final Thoughts
Some of the ideas in this article may have been challenging to read. They may have pushed you to rethink parts of your past, your identity, and the way you’ve navigated relationships. It’s always easier to analyze others than to look within.If you took the time to reflect and answer the introspection questions, I appreciate your honesty.
Now, I have a few questions for you:
- Have you ever recognized maladaptive narcissism in yourself or others?
- What did you do to address it?
- How did it impact your relationships?
👉🏾I’d love to hear your thoughts—send me a message using this link.
True Emotional Health Starts with Love
If you want to build healthy relationships (with yourself and others), it starts with making sure your needs are grounded in love and respect for all—including yourself. When we do that, we can embrace the imperfections in others without losing ourselves in the process.
If you need more support in building a healthy self-image, don’t hesitate to reach out.
🎧 Want to dive deeper? Click here to listen to my podcast episode on this topic or press play below.
