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Honest communication with your spouse or romantic partner

How is your love life these days? Is it good, so-so, or is there room for more improvement? Well, regardless of where you are now, there is room for improvement, and it all depends on your ability to have honest communication with your romantic partner.

As a life and business coach, it is my job to help you find satisfaction in all areas of your life, including your love life.

In this article, we will discuss what honest communication looks like and, more importantly, how you can stay committed to your inner integrity as you speak with your spouse or romantic partner.

Honest communication with your romantic partner depends on your commitment to honesty

Someone asked me, “How can a man and a woman be together?”

My answer was, “It depends on their commitment to honesty.”

It’s a common belief that the key to a happy relationship between a man and a woman lies in their level of honesty towards each other.

However, it’s not always easy for some individuals to be honest in their relationships, especially if they’ve grown up in an environment where honesty wasn’t always valued.

Handicaps to honesty 

If they really knew me, they wouldn’t stay for long.

Many people who’ve endured challenging childhoods where they experienced pain and dysfunction, may have learned that in order to survive and receive care and affection from their parents and relatives, they had to behave well and say what others wanted to hear.

Unfortunately, this type of upbringing can lead to a warped understanding of what honesty entails. 

It’s important for individuals who’ve experienced this type of trauma to seek help and work on overcoming these past experiences. With support and guidance, anyone can learn to be more honest and build healthy relationships based on transparency and trust. 

In the next section, we will discuss how you can be more have honest communication with your romantic partner or spouse.

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Get real with you. All of you.

I know that you want to hear about strategies on how to get your partner or spouse in line, how to get them in “order”. 

But the fact of the matter is that the health of your relationship starts with you. And that means being more authentic about your needs and desires.

Becoming an authentic person can be challenging if you have always been expected to be perfect and never complain. However, it is important to recognize the strengths and attributes that allow you to thrive while also accepting the areas in which you may struggle.

The sometimes icky, yucky, but real you

As a life coach and healing practitioner, let me talk to you for a moment as a fellow human being. When I was dating my now-husband, I didn’t want him to know about my messy and questionable past

I feared he would label me as a hopeless drunk who used perfectionistic tendencies to conceal my insecurities. However, if I wanted to spend my life with someone, it couldn’t be based on a façade I couldn’t maintain. 

A picture of drake in an orange jacket.

The sometimes icky, yucky, but real you

As a life coach and healing practitioner, let me talk to you for a moment as a fellow human being. When I was dating my now-husband, I didn’t want him to know about my messy and questionable past

I feared he would label me as a hopeless drunk who used perfectionistic tendencies to conceal my insecurities. However, if I wanted to spend my life with someone, it couldn’t be based on a façade I couldn’t maintain. 

Ain’t nobody or nothing perfect in this world 

Over the years, I have met countless clients who felt undeserving of love due to their past or perceived inadequacies. 

Love shouldn’t be determined by the limitations we set on ourselves. 

No one is perfect, we all have our flaws. 

Instead, focus on the qualities that align with your ideal self and showcase them to the world. It takes courage to be genuine and stand up for yourself, but it leads to an authentic and honest relationship with your spouse/partner. 

Embrace your individuality and refuse to be held back or belittled by negative thoughts and self-doubt. 

Remember that authentic communication is a journey, not a destination. There will be difficult days where you may not feel like discussing your feelings, but it’s essential to be clear about your needs and honor your commitments with others.

Next, let’s talk about another common barrier to honest communication with your spouse or romantic partner.

The only way to be authentic is to stand up and defend the traits that represent your ideal state, and not be dogged down by your flaws and shortcomings.

Addicted to high expectations?

Do you like spending time with angry people? Of course, you would say no, but let’s think about it from a different angle. 
Have you spent time paying attention to the words you tell yourself? 
In the last week, have you:
  • Found yourself becoming easily frustrated? 
  • Focusing on flaws and errors in everyone, including yourself? 
  • Only want things done in specific and predictable ways? 
If so, then you might find yourself predisposed to feeling irritation and frustration. And that wrath will inevitably spill out to everyone, including your loved ones. 
If you want to have honest communication with your partner or spouse, it is time to work through your expectations and assumptions that may cause you to feel angry. 

Unchecked anger does more harm than good 

While anger may provide short-term release or relief, more often than not, it ends up causing more harm than good in the long run. Avoid using your anger as a weapon to lash out or strike back when you are unable to express yourself effectively.
Instead, use your anger as a tool to better understand and process your sub-emotions or secondary emotions, which may be related to unmet needs or deeper issues. 
Additionally, if you have an abusive partner who consistently tries to manipulate and control you, staying angry and reacting with hostility only gives them power over you. It is important to recognize that viewing yourself as just an angry and confused victim is not the answer. 
Taking about expressing yourself effectively, in the next section will talk about how you can communication your appropriately communicate your needs with other.

Communicate your needs with your romantic partner

There is something very powerful about vocalizing your boundaries. It allows you to establish a point of reference and put it out in the open. Most of all, it saves a lot of heartbreak and frustration for both you and your romantic partner. 

As mentioned earlier, you cannot have a real relationship with one or both partners pretending to be something they’re not. This includes being honest about each other’s needs and desires.

Needs aren’t desires 

To be clear, needs are not the same as desires. 

For example, you need a nutritious diet that includes a variety of fruits and vegetables. You do not need to go to the drive-thru lane at Popeyes for a three-piece meal at night, and you do not need to eat ice cream daily.

Unfortunately, many communication problems arise when we confuse our needs with our desires. For example, you may feel that you desire to have sexual intercourse with your spouse or partner every night, but that may be impossible due to scheduling issues or fatigue. 

What you may need instead is non-sexual touch daily so that you can feel connected with your partner. Speaking of sex, many who are addicted to sex use it as a false form of connection to avoid uncomfortable conversations about their own feelings.

Also, be sure that your need for more time together as a couple, either doing individual things or with your family/loved ones, comes from a place of mutual love rather than using it to avoid or escape from painful feelings or experiences.

Love shouldn't be determined by the limitations we set on ourselves.

When ones fears triumph over your needs

Yolanda used sex as a weapon against her husband, Ron. Whenever she didn’t feel loved or secure in the relationship, she would purposely avoid Ron’s requests for sex. 

Excuses were aplenty. For example, Yolanda:

  • Was tired, 
  • Felt the kids needed her help, 
  • Had to get up early for work, or
  • There something that needed to be done that superseded Ron’s intimacy request 

Ron wanted to work with her and offered to have sex in the morning or make arrangements for the kids to stay over at Yolanda’s parents’ home for the weekend. However, for every counteroffer, Yolanda had yet another excuse for not being available. 

The real issue was Yolanda’s fear of intimacy, and she needed time to understand the cause of her anxiety. 

Additionally, Ron needed to help her feel safe by asking more questions about Yolanda’s feelings regarding sex and intimacy. This issue, like Ron and Yolanda’s, cannot be resolved in one or two sessions. It takes two honest people who are willing to communicate their issues with each other.

Non-sex related communication issue

Many individuals face obstacles in their relationships and frequently fail to address the problems promptly, resulting in further issues in the long run. The examples I mentioned previously were of sexual nature since this is one of the leading causes of frustration in a relationship.

Nonetheless, there can be other obstacles related to finances, the need for validation, and appreciation from others, which can cause friction and stress in the relationship as well. As a result, it becomes crucial to recognize these difficulties and deal with them promptly because neglecting them can lead to severe consequences.

It is imperative to remember that addressing these obstacles will require the effort and commitment of both you and your partner. Only when both individuals acknowledge and work out a solution together will they be able to resolve this issue and grow stronger in their relationship.

If necessary, it is better to part ways and find better-suited partner that fulfill each other’s needs rather than dragging a failing relationship. 

Final thoughts about intimacy with ones romantic partner

It is possible that you have experienced some challenging emotions while reading this article. 

Perhaps you have been struggling with a communication issue in your romantic relationship for quite some time now. Guilt and shame from past problems can really burden one’s soul.

It’s important to note that this article alone may not be the sole solution to all of your problems. Instead, I suggest seeking the guidance of a sex therapist or intimacy coach who can help you work through any issues that may be hindering your intimacy.

As someone who is committed to helping people communicate more effectively, I encourage you to consider working with me if you are struggling to express your needs. Whether it’s with family, friends, or romantic partners, clearer communication can make all the difference in your relationships.

For even more insight into this topic, I recommend checking out my podcast by clicking here or hitting the play button below.


The information in this article is for informational purposes only. No material in this article or website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment.

Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new health care regimen, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you read from me or anyone else online.

Also, this article is not designed to diagnose or treat you or anyone with a suspected mental health illness. Please, if you need help, seek appropriate help from a lawyer, health care provider or law enforcement officer.