Improve Your Love Life: Honest Communication with Your Partner or Spouse
- Updated: April 12, 2024
How is your love life these days? Is it good, so-so, or is there room for more improvement? Well, regardless of where you are now, there is room for improvement, and it all depends on your ability to have honest communication with your romantic partner.
As a life and business coach, it is my job to help you find satisfaction in all areas of your life, including your love life.
In this article, we will discuss what honest communication looks like and, more importantly, how you can stay committed to your inner integrity as you speak with your spouse or romantic partner.
How trauma and pain limits honesty with a romantic partner
Someone asked me, “How can a man and a woman be together?”
My answer was, “It depends on their commitment to honesty.”
It’s a common belief that the key to a happy relationship between a man and a woman lies in their level of honesty towards each other.
However, it’s not always easy for some individuals to be honest in their relationships, especially if they’ve grown up in an environment where honesty wasn’t always valued.
Painful childhoods leads to painful romantic relationships
Many people who’ve endured challenging childhoods where they experienced pain and dysfunction, may have learned that in order to survive and receive care and affection from their parents and relatives, they had to behave well and say what others wanted to hear.
Unfortunately, this type of upbringing can lead to a warped understanding of what honesty entails.
It’s important for individuals who’ve experienced this type of trauma to seek help and work on overcoming these past experiences. With support and guidance, anyone can learn to be more honest and build healthy relationships based on transparency and trust.
In the next section, we will discuss how you can be more have honest communication with your romantic partner or spouse.
Honesty with your romantic partner requires vulnerability
I know that you want to hear about strategies on how to get your partner or spouse in line, how to get them in “order”.
But the fact of the matter is that the health of your relationship starts with you. And that means being more authentic about your needs and desires.
Becoming an authentic person can be challenging if you have always been expected to be perfect and never complain. However, it is important to recognize the strengths and attributes that allow you to thrive while also accepting the areas in which you may struggle.
The sometimes icky, yucky, but real you
As a life coach and healing practitioner, let me talk to you for a moment as a fellow human being. When I was dating my now-husband, I didn’t want him to know about my messy and questionable past.
I feared he would label me as a hopeless drunk who used perfectionistic tendencies to conceal my insecurities. However, if I wanted to spend my life with someone, it couldn’t be based on a façade I couldn’t maintain.
The sometimes icky, yucky, but real you
As a life coach and healing practitioner, let me talk to you for a moment as a fellow human being. When I was dating my now-husband, I didn’t want him to know about my messy and questionable past.
I feared he would label me as a hopeless drunk who used perfectionistic tendencies to conceal my insecurities. However, if I wanted to spend my life with someone, it couldn’t be based on a façade I couldn’t maintain.
Being able to talk openly with your partner is a journey—it's not something you reach and you're done. Some days might be tough, and you might not feel like talking about how you feel, but it's important to be clear about what you need and stick to what you promised each other.
Ain’t nobody or nothing perfect in this world
Over the years, I’ve met many clients who felt like they didn’t deserve love because of things that happened in their past or because they didn’t feel good enough.
But love isn’t about those things we think hold us back.
Nobody’s perfect—we all have things we’re not great at. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, think about the good stuff about you and show that to the world. It can be scary to be yourself and stand up for what you believe in, but it’s worth it. Being real with your partner helps you have a true and honest relationship.
Be proud of who you are and don’t let negative thoughts or self-doubt stop you.
Remember, being able to talk openly with your partner is a journey—it’s not something you reach and you’re done. Some days might be tough, and you might not feel like talking about how you feel, but it’s important to be clear about what you need and stick to what you promised each other.
Next up, let’s chat about another thing that can get in the way of honest talks with your partner.
The only way to be authentic is to stand up and defend the traits that represent your ideal state, and not be dogged down by your flaws and shortcomings.
Addicted to high expectations?
- Found yourself becoming easily frustrated?
- Focusing on flaws and errors in everyone, including yourself?
- Only want things done in specific and predictable ways?
If you have an abusive partner who consistently tries to manipulate and control you, staying angry and reacting with hostility only gives them power over you.
Unchecked anger does more harm than good
Are your expectations for your romantic partner realistic?
There is something very powerful about vocalizing your boundaries. It allows you to establish a point of reference and put it out in the open. Most of all, it saves a lot of heartbreak and frustration for both you and your romantic partner.
As mentioned earlier, you cannot have a real relationship with one or both partners pretending to be something they’re not. This includes being honest about each other’s needs and desires.
Needs aren’t desires
Let’s get this straight: needs and desires aren’t the same thing.
For instance, you need to eat healthy foods like fruits and veggies to stay strong. But you don’t need to hit up Popeyes for fried chicken every night, and you definitely don’t need to munch on ice cream every single day.
Sometimes, we mix up what we want with what we truly need, and that can mess with our communication. Take, for example, feeling like you want to have sex with your partner every single night. But that might not always be doable, especially if you’re tired or busy.
What you might actually need is just some cuddle time every day to feel close to your partner. When it comes to sex, some folks who are hooked on it use it as a fake way to feel connected, instead of talking about their real feelings.
And if you’re craving more time with your partner, doing stuff together or with your family, make sure it’s because you genuinely love being together, not because you’re trying to avoid dealing with tough stuff.
Love shouldn't be determined by the limitations we set on ourselves.
When ones fears triumph over your needs
Yolanda used sex as a weapon against her husband, Ron. Whenever she didn’t feel loved or secure in the relationship, she would purposely avoid Ron’s requests for sex.
Excuses were aplenty. For example, Yolanda:
- Was tired,
- Felt the kids needed her help,
- Had to get up early for work, or
- There something that needed to be done that superseded Ron’s intimacy request
Ron wanted to work with her and offered to have sex in the morning or make arrangements for the kids to stay over at Yolanda’s parents’ home for the weekend. However, for every counteroffer, Yolanda had yet another excuse for not being available.
The real issue was Yolanda’s fear of intimacy, and she needed time to understand the cause of her anxiety.
Additionally, Ron needed to help her feel safe by asking more questions about Yolanda’s feelings regarding sex and intimacy. This issue, like Ron and Yolanda’s, cannot be resolved in one or two sessions. It takes two honest people who are willing to communicate their issues with each other.
Non-sex related communication issue
Many people have problems in their relationships and often don’t deal with them right away, which can make things worse later on. I talked about some examples earlier, like issues with sex, which can really frustrate a relationship.
But there are other problems too, like money worries or feeling like you need more love and attention from your partner. These things can cause arguments and stress in your relationship. That’s why it’s important to notice these problems and fix them quickly, because ignoring them can make things much worse.
It’s important to remember that fixing these problems will take effort from both you and your partner. Only when both of you admit there’s a problem and work together to fix it can you make things better and make your relationship stronger.
If things really aren’t working out, it might be better to break up and find someone else who’s a better match for you. I’ll share my final thoughts on being close with your partner next.
Final thoughts
You might be feeling some strong emotions as you read this.
Maybe you’ve been having trouble talking with your partner for a while now. Past problems can weigh heavily on your mind, making you feel guilty or ashamed.
Remember, this article alone might not solve everything. It could be helpful to talk to a therapist who specializes in relationships and intimacy. They can give you personalized advice to help you feel closer to your partner.
I’m here to help you too. If you’re having trouble expressing yourself to anyone in your life, whether it’s a family member, friend, or romantic partner, I’m here to support you. Better communication can really improve your relationships, and I’m committed to helping you achieve that.
For even more insight into this topic, I recommend checking out this episode from my podcast or press the play button below.
Written by Denise G. Lee
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MENTAL HEALTH ADVICE
The information in this article is for informational purposes only. No material in this article or website is intended to be a substitute for professional medical and/or mental health advice, diagnosis or treatment.
Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or treatment and before undertaking a new health care regimen, and never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you read from me or anyone else online.
Also, this article is not designed to diagnose or treat you or anyone with a suspected mental health illness. Please, if you need help, seek appropriate help from a lawyer, health care provider or law enforcement officer.
