Can a Relationship Survive Infidelity? Here’s What It Really Takes to Heal
- Updated: April 23, 2025
Infidelity isn’t just a betrayal—it’s an earthquake.
It shakes the ground beneath your relationship, your self-worth, and your ability to trust again. Whether you were the one betrayed or the one who broke the trust, this article explores the emotional wreckage cheating leaves behind—and the tougher question: Can healing really happen—and if so, how?
As a healing and leadership coach, I’ve seen how infidelity touches people from all walks of life. It doesn’t care about your age, background, values, or who you love. It can happen to anyone.
Cheating is a heavy topic—one that could fill an entire book. But here, we’re going to focus on two big questions:
Why does it happen?
And what can you do if it happens to you?
Quick note before we dive in: While I come from a Christian background, this article isn’t about religion. It’s rooted in psychology, lived experience, and real-world healing. You don’t need to believe what I believe—just stay open to what might help.
Jump to What Matters Most
What the Numbers Say About Who Cheats—and Why
To be frank, the reason why so many of us suffer in silence is that we think we are the only ones who have, do, or will suffer from painful situations. That is why I want to share with you some recent stats (as of 2023 from the General Social Survey (GSS)) and other sources like this one regarding the betrayal of sexual trust between partners.
Who is most likely to be unfaithful, women or men?
Despite changing gender norms in our society, men are still more likely to cheat than women. According to GSS data, 20% of married men and 13% of married women admit to having sex with someone other than their spouse.
Women are closing the cheating gap.
Although men cheat more, infidelity rates among women are on the rise- having increased by 40% in the last 20 years.
Younger married women (ages 18 to 29) are slightly more likely to cheat. The reasons for women cheat differ from their male counterparts. However, among adults 30 years and older, however, men are always more likely to cheat.
By age, who is most likely to be unfaithful?
Older adults (especially men aged 50-60s) need a little extra loving. The highest rate of infidelity is in men 60-69 years of age, though just a decade ago, the highest infidelity was among men in their 50s. For women, their highest infidelity rates happen at 50-59 years, whereas a decade ago, the same was true of women in their 40s.
This makes sense when you think about it. Postmenopausal women and postandropausal men both experience hormonal and lifestyle changes, such as retirement, and may need more support than their current partner can provide for them. Also, they may feel a lack of connection with their spouse because their children have left their home and there are no common bonds for discussing childcare-related issues. Empty-Nest syndrome is a common cause of infidelity.
Who is More Unfaithful: Married or an Unmarried Person?
About 40% of couples who aren’t married and 25% of married couples have at least one instance of cheating. Research shows that people who grew up with both of their biological or adoptive parents cheating less often, about 15%, compared to those whose parents got divorced, at 18%.
But here’s the surprising part: about 70% of all Americans have some sort of affair during their marriage, depending on what you consider cheating. It’s not always just about having sex with someone who’s not your partner.
Emotional infidelity
What if your partner wasn’t sexual with another person, but shared a close intimate bond? This is called emotional infidelity.
Despite women are more upset by it than men (73% of women stating that they would be very upset by it, compared to 56% of men), they are most likely to have an emotional affair.
According to a 2019 Fatherly report, where over 90,000 participants were studied, it was revealed that 78.6% of men and 91.6% of women admitted to having an emotional affair.
Rarely will a partner cheat because they only want to hurt the other partner. Behind the infidelity are insecurities, inadequacies, or even a grandiose sense of power or entitlement.
8 Surprising Reasons People Cheat (It’s Not Always About Sex)
Before we dive into the full explanations, here’s a quick overview of the most common reasons behind infidelity. You might be surprised—cheating isn’t always about desire.
Reason #1: Pheromones
Sufficient chemistry or pheromones can result in inevitable sexual attraction, and it may take up to three minutes to decide whether someone is a potential partner (“The Evolution of Desire” by David Buss). For instance, in church, a man and a woman could sit separately and arouse one another.
What are pheromones?
Pheromones are odorless hormones secreted by bodily fluids such as urine, semen, vaginal secretions, breast milk, and potentially saliva and breath. However, most attention has been directed towards axillary sweat.
Can pheromones keep a relationship indefinitely?
Sorry, but no. Attraction based solely on sexual desire tends to last only about three years, as stated in ‘The Psychology of Human Sexuality’ by Justin J. Lehmiller. For instance, many celebrities like Halle Berry and Britney Spears have had brief relationships, indicating that a foundation of sexual attraction is not a recipe for success.
Reason #3: Financial Security
Financial difficulties can strain a relationship. If one partner feels financially insecure or burdened, they might seek comfort and stability elsewhere, leading to infidelity. This can happen even if they still love their partner.
Reason #4: Cross Addictions
People struggling with substance abuse might engage in infidelity. Their addiction can impair judgment and lead to risky behaviors, including cheating, as seen with Hunter Biden during his addiction struggles.
Reason #5: Mutual Agreement
In some cases, couples mutually agree to allow infidelity. This might happen due to various reasons, such as a desire for sexual variety or to maintain a public image, like with Bill and Hillary Clinton, who faced public scrutiny but maintained their relationship despite allegations of infidelity.
Reason #6: Attention
Some of us really don’t know how to say, “Pay attention to me!” So we resort to getting our needs met through passive-aggressiveness. My thoughts drifted to a client whose husband, let’s call him Andy, seemed incapable of fidelity.
In a surprising turn of events, he appeared alongside my client during one of our video sessions. (Mind you, I don’t specialize in marriage counseling.)
Andy interrupted, exclaiming, “Stop meddling in our marriage! Just focus on her business.”
I took a moment, then asked, “Do you enjoy being caught?” (I know, my questions can be quite unexpected.)
Even through the 1080p resolution screen, I could see his eyes reddening slightly and the bulging of his neck veins.
“Excuse me!”
I continued, “Every time you cheat, there seems to be a surge of interaction and, frankly, passion between you and your wife. I wonder if you enjoy getting caught.”
No response; Andy promptly ended the call.
Many of us crave attention intensely, going to extreme lengths to secure it. I suspect the women Andy engaged with weren’t even his true type or attractive—mere pawns to incite my client’s ire.
What about you?
Do you find yourself consistently stirring up drama, causing chaos, being tardy, or just trying to “shake things up” around people?
It could be that seeking attention was the only way you knew how to garner it as a child. However, all that drama can wreak havoc on not just your marriage, but your health and the things that truly matter to you.
Well, that’s my perspective on it.
Reason #7: Miscommunication
Often, before cheating occurs, there is deep miscommunication between spouses, where one feels emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, and the other withholds the needed affection as a form of retaliation for “bad behavior.” This can lead to one or both partners seeking satisfaction outside the relationship.
Reason #8: Cultural Issues
Moreover, cultures have varying beliefs about infidelity. Although no one would approve of infidelity, this study of varying cultures revealed different beliefs concerning the seriousness of sexual betrayal. Some people may argue that western culture tacitly approves of infidelity.
In the next section, I will present a general message relating to sexual infidelity for partners.
What Now? Rebuilding After the Wreckage
You’ve seen the stats. You’ve read the reasons. And maybe a few of them hit a little too close to home. Infidelity doesn’t just break rules—it breaks hearts, stories, identities. But here’s the thing: what happens next isn’t about what they did or didn’t do. It’s about you. Your next step. Your truth. Your power.
Whether you’re wondering if it’s worth saving the relationship, or you’re trying to piece yourself back together, you don’t have to navigate this alone.
👉 Explore working together if you want support that goes deeper than clichés and one-size-fits-all advice.
If You’ve Been Cheated On (or Cheated): What to Do Next
For the cheater
Nobody made you cheat on your spouse/partner. Let’s just clear that up. Yes, he or she may not have provided you with the emotional or sexual support you desire.
Maybe you feel unsatisfied with your life and are looking for some excitement from another partner. However, trying to juggle multiple relationships is stressful.
Your spouse and lover have limited time to spend with you. Perhaps you like it that way. No particular person truly knows you, your fears, or issues. If so, now is the time to understand the emotional reasons behind your infidelity.
For the spouse/partner of the cheater
There is no innocent party with respect to an extramarital affair. I understand that your trust was violated, and you may fear having a sexually transmitted disease.
In some cases, a child is a product of an illicit affair. All of these things are true. However, now is the time for you to examine what part, if any, you contributed to the relationship breakdown.
Did you withdraw your sexual or emotional affection? Perhaps you were so busy with the children or other projects that you didn’t notice your spouse distancing themselves from you.
Is this behavior considered “normal” in your culture, leading you to conclude that it is just “men being men”? All of these issues must be addressed if you want to heal.
Healing After Infidelity: 2 Key Shifts That Actually Help
Tip #1: Deal with unresolved codependency issues
Clients I have worked with have often suffered from codependency issues, thinking that if they can enable their spouse’s bad behavior, they can get them to love them better. This leads to a sea of self-pity and embarrassment. However, you don’t have to stand by your man (or woman) no matter what.
Despite what you saw in your parents’ relationship, you have a choice. Decide for yourself, and for the sake of your kids (if applicable), what you need to do to preserve your dignity and self-worth.
Tip #2: Stay as long as you can
Pain is a great teacher. It tells us what we want and need. That being said, stay in the relationship as long as you can. Learn more about yourself and what you want.
You know when the relationship is over when you feel apathetic yet loving towards the other person. This is when you are able to see them as an imperfect human being like yourself, yet feel no need to continue the romantic relationship. I hope these tips helped. Next, I will answer some common questions I get about infidelity.
Healing After Infidelity: Your Questions Answered
Infidelity cracks open all kinds of questions—most of which don’t have easy answers. If you’re struggling to make sense of what happened or where to go next, you’re not alone. Here are some of the most common questions I hear from clients—and the honest answers that might help you move forward.
Can a relationship ever fully recover from cheating?
Some do. But “recovering” doesn’t mean going back to the way things were. It means building something new—with honesty, boundaries, and often outside support.
Should I forgive my partner if they cheated?
Forgiveness is a personal process. It’s not about saying what happened was okay—it’s about freeing yourself from carrying the pain. Forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation.
How long does it take to heal after being cheated on?
Healing isn’t linear. Some people take months, others years. The real question isn’t “how long,” but “how intentional are you willing to be with your healing?”
Is emotional cheating as bad as physical cheating?
For many, yes. Emotional affairs often create deeper confusion because they involve intimacy and secrecy without sex—making them harder to define but just as painful.
Should I tell people (friends, family) that I was cheated on?
Only if it serves your healing. Venting can sometimes lead to judgment or pressure. Choose safe, emotionally mature people—or a coach or therapist—to talk to first.
Final thoughts
Infidelity doesn’t just change your relationship—it changes you. It shakes your sense of safety, your ability to trust, and the story you thought you were living. But that doesn’t mean it’s the end. Not of your healing. Not of your clarity. And definitely not of your power.
Whether you decide to rebuild the relationship or walk away, do it with your eyes open and your self-worth intact. You deserve more than survival. You deserve peace.
And if you want support that’s honest, grounded, and no-fluff—I’m here.
💛 Explore More
🎧 Podcast episode: From Loss to Growth: How to Find Meaning in the Face of Tragedy – Episode #452
📖 Related Post: How to Set Emotional Boundaries
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