Maintaining Healthy Emotional Boundaries: A Guide
- Updated: December 20, 2024
Have you ever felt like you’re not sure where you end and someone else begins?
As a healing and leadership coach, I’ve learned firsthand how important it is to set healthy boundaries in both personal and work relationships. We all want to help others, but it’s also important not to let them take advantage of us or our kindness.
That’s why in this article, we’ll talk about how to recognize when you’re letting others cross your emotional boundaries, why it’s important to stop it, and practical steps you can take to take control of your emotional well-being.
First, let’s talk about emotional boundaries and why you need more of them in your life.
Emotional boundaries are like invisible lines that separate your thoughts, feelings, and needs from those of others. They show what behavior is okay and what's not in relationships, keeping you emotionally okay and helping you stay true to yourself. This isn't just an issue we face romantically; it applies to all areas of life.
The Importance of Emotional Boundaries
Some of us feel really upset when we don’t feel connected to others. We feel that only certain people can make us feel good about ourselves. And if we can’t feel good about ourselves, whether we’re with them or not, we’ll fall apart.
This way of living is terrible. Sadly, many people, which can include our parents, who do not have emotional boundaries are prone to depression, anxiety, and deep insecurities, to say the least.
Every time I hear about someone's feelings being invalidated, I'm listening to someone who was trained to try to own the feelings of others as a way to shield themselves from the negative reaction of emotionally immature individuals.
Emotional Boundaries: The Unseen Shield for Safety and Self-Worth
Emotional boundaries are like invisible lines that separate your thoughts, feelings, and needs from those of others. They show what behavior is okay and what’s not in relationships, keeping you emotionally okay and helping you stay true to yourself. This isn’t just an issue we face romantically; it applies to all areas of life.
For business owners, having clear emotional boundaries is super important for ones mental health. It can stop burnout, improve our work quality, and create healthier relationships at work. Next, let’s talk about signs we have crossed our emotional boundaries with others.
Signs of Crossing Emotional Boundaries:
In the TV show “Friends,” there’s an episode where Ross is feeling insecure about his new relationship. When he opens up to Chandler about his fears, Chandler responds with a sarcastic tone, saying, “Oh, poor Ross, what’s new? You’re always freaking out about something.” This violates Ross’s emotional boundaries by minimizing his feelings and making him feel ashamed for expressing vulnerability.
This was a fictitious situation in a sitcom, but how many of us have had our feelings dismissed or ignored? Every time I hear about someone’s feelings being invalidated, I’m listening to someone who was trained to try to own the feelings of others as a way to shield themselves from the negative reaction of emotionally immature individuals.
Some of us were trained with the life script ‘DON’T THINK’ and automatically react to help, when in reality, we are enabling others to deal with the consequences of their actions.
How Boundaries Get Crossed
Below are three ways we may have crossed our emotional boundaries with others.
Feeling Others’ Emotions: You might find yourself easily absorbing the emotions of those around you, losing sight of your own feelings in the process.
Always Helping Others First: Prioritizing the needs of others over your own, neglecting self-care, and risking feelings of resentment and exhaustion.
Struggling to Speak Up: Difficulty in asserting your own wants and needs, leading to saying yes when you mean no, or vice versa, and feeling misunderstood or taken advantage of.
Do you feel like you do one or maybe all of the three examples listed above? If so, don’t worry. Just like you learned how to talk, you can relearn how to express your wants and needs with others. Understanding these signs is the first step toward reclaiming control over your emotional boundaries.
In the next section, we will talk about how you can reclaim your right to establish healthy boundaries where you speak your needs without slipping into victimhood, blaming others, or enabling.
What is the point of having someone who only likes the people-pleasing version of you? How can they help you if they don't know who you really are?
Practical Steps to Establish Healthy Boundaries
As mentioned above, we become good at what we practice. If we’ve worked hard to be a victim, blamer, or enabler, we may forget that we can and must protect our emotional boundaries. The following four steps are ways you can maintain emotional boundaries so that you don’t slip into behaviors that hurt you or your relationships.
Step One: Identify Triggers
Many of us go on autopilot when faced with things that make us feel angry, fearful, or scared. Take note of situations or interactions that consistently leave you feeling uncomfortable or violated. Here are some signs you need to take care of your needs:
- You find yourself putting your own feelings or needs on the back burner just to keep the peace.
- There is a lingering discomfort or unease after certain interactions or situations. It’s like pulling teeth trying to set boundaries or stand up for yourself when things get uncomfortable.
- You feel absolutely drained or wiped out after hanging around certain people or being in specific places.
- Your body starts acting up – headaches, stomachaches, tension – you name it, all in response to stress.
- On more than one occasion, you catch yourself indulging in some not-so-healthy coping mechanisms, such as overeating comfort food, drinking excessively, or zoning out in front of screens for hours on end.
These are signs that your body and mind is screaming for help. Understanding what triggers these reactions is key to managing them effectively.
Oftentimes, the reason why we tolerate the misbehavior of others is because they remind us of family members or valued mentors who initially created those painful, unresolved experiences.
Step Two: Explore the Root Causes
As mentioned earlier, we often react based on past circumstances. Take the time to reflect on why setting boundaries is challenging for you. It could be rooted in past experiences, fear of conflict, or a desire for approval.
Because these issues remain unresolved, we unconsciously find people to recreate these situations. However, now is different. We don’t have to allow others to treat us like emotional doormats.
Seeking support from someone other than yourself is extremely helpful at this stage. They can assist you in recognizing patterns of poor emotional boundaries. Work with a trusted friend, therapist, or coach, like myself, to help understand past toxic dynamics.
Step Three: Clarify Your Wants and Needs
Take the time to identify your genuine desires and needs rather than prioritizing others’ wishes. This can be especially challenging if your primary desire is simply to avoid feeling alone. But ask yourself: What’s the point of having someone in your life who only likes the people-pleasing version of you? How can they truly support you if they don’t know the real you?
Understanding what you want—whether it’s safety, validation, or autonomy—is essential for setting effective boundaries.
If you’ve experienced childhood trauma, safety and validation can become deeply intertwined and confusing. For example, I had a client who wanted to earn more money to provide a better lifestyle for his children. On the surface, it seemed like a noble goal, but his true motivation stemmed from unmet childhood needs. He was using his children as proxies to fulfill what he had lacked growing up. In reality, what he needed was to improve his empathic skills so he could connect with his children more deeply in the present.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that many clients bail easily on everything—including themselves—because they confuse wants with needs. Feelings of anxiety, fear, and trepidation can be overwhelming and disorienting. To cope, they build massive emotional walls, shutting out even healthy, supportive people. I touched on this topic in a recent social media post. Click the link below to join the conversation!
Too many people are making SERIOUS, long-term decisions based on fickle, short-term reactions. And the cost is especially true for trauma survivors, here's why:
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) December 20, 2024
When you've endured trauma, your brain is wired to prioritize safety. This means in moments of stress or uncertainty,…
Step Four: Communicate Assertively
Okay! This is where things get really serious. This is where you say what you mean and mean what you say. Now is the time to practice expressing your boundaries with confidence and clarity.
Speaking clearly about your wants and needs may be a scary thing if you have been around aggressive, demeaning, and demanding personalities. But it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and say no when necessary, even if it feels uncomfortable. Assertive communication is key to establishing and maintaining healthy relationships.
The image below summarizes these healthy emotional boundary communication tips. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
I don’t want you to read this article and think, ‘Okay, I don’t think I will ever get this boundary thing right.’ Please, take it easy on yourself as you figure out how to communicate clearly with both yourself and others about what you need. Remember, this kind of thing doesn’t happen overnight. It’s all about progress, not perfection.
How have you strengthened or redefined your emotional boundaries with others? I’d love to hear your story! Use this link to share your experience with me.
If you’re struggling with boundaries or complex dynamics, consider working with me. Let’s unlock your potential and build a balanced, resilient life with genuine connections.
Also, check out my episode from my podcast for more insights on emotional intelligence and personal growth. Now is the time to prioritize your emotional well-being and live authentically.
