Maintaining Personal Boundaries: A Key to Happiness
Hello, friends! As a healing and leadership coach, I have spent many years helping people understand their feelings and relationships. One of the most important lessons I teach is the need to maintain personal boundaries. These boundaries are not just lines we draw to keep others away; they are essential for our happiness, mental health, and success.
We live in a world where we often look up to public figures, like artists, leaders, and celebrities. While it’s perfectly normal to admire someone for their talent or achievements, things can get tricky when that admiration turns into obsession. This can hurt not only the person being admired but also the admirer.
In this article, we will look at real-life stories from rising stars like Chappell Roan and Gracie Abrams. We will also talk about why some people become obsessed and what causes that behavior. I will share my own experiences with fans who didn’t always show respect. By the end of this article, you will understand how setting and keeping boundaries can help you live a happier and more balanced life.
First, let’s talk about the important reason why you need to have boundaries with people both online and in the real world.
The Importance of Maintaining Personal Boundaries
Before we dive in, I need to explain something important: boundaries aren’t easy to create or maintain. Let me break it down with some personal examples.
Why Boundaries Seem Hard or Inconvenient
At first glance, being adored can feel amazing, especially if you grew up in a family where you had to fight for attention or recognition.
Maybe you were the middle child, or perhaps your family was so caught up in another sibling’s drama that you got pushed aside because you didn’t seem “problematic.” When you’ve spent your life trying to be noticed, it’s easy to think that any kind of attention—good or bad—is better than feeling invisible. But that’s where the trouble starts.
I Need to Call Mother Now
You might also have had a very close, almost enmeshed, relationship with certain family members or friends. Enmeshed relationships are where personal boundaries between two people become so blurred that one person’s needs or emotions overwhelm the other’s.
A client of mine was dealing with this exact issue. His mother insisted that he call her at least three times a week, even though he had his own family and countless other commitments. He told me, “Denise, my mother just expects me to be the man in her life, and she’s too old to know better.” His voice told me he was worn out.
(Read this article if you are struggling to maintain boundaries with your parent as an adult.)
It was heartbreaking to hear. Both my client and his mother knew things weren’t right, but they had fallen into roles that once worked but were now causing emotional pain, dragging others into their mess. These situations can be tough, but this is why boundaries are so important—they keep relationships healthy by preventing resentment from building up.
No More Over Giving
Dr. John Townsend, a well-known psychologist and co-author of Boundaries, explains, “Boundaries define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.” This ownership isn’t selfish; it’s about taking care of yourself so you can help others without losing your sense of self. It’s like when you’re on an airplane and they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first—you can’t help others if you’re not taking care of your own needs.
If we don’t set boundaries, we risk falling into cycles of over-giving or being emotionally drained. Not having boundaries can lead to feelings of guilt and frustration, as seen with my client. He felt stuck in a role he didn’t want, and his mother felt she needed his attention to feel secure. This “role-playing” causes pain on both sides, but setting boundaries can stop this pattern.
These examples highlight how much of a struggle it can be to set boundaries, especially when emotions are involved. It’s never easy to tell someone “no,” especially when you care about them or when there’s a history of putting their needs ahead of your own. But maintaining personal boundaries is essential for living a balanced life.
Why Maintaining Personal Boundaries Matter
Boundaries don’t just prevent emotional burnout—they also protect us in multiple ways. Psychologists like Dr. Brené Brown stress the importance of boundaries as a way to preserve your emotional energy. She says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” This means recognizing that taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you healthy.
The challenge is that many people see boundaries as walls that shut others out, but in reality, they are more like fences with gates. You can decide who comes in and when. This flexibility is key to staying emotionally and mentally healthy.
Here are some other reasons why maintaining boundaries is good for your overall health and wellbeing.
Improved Mental Health: Keeping personal boundaries helps protect our mental health. When we allow others to push our limits, we can feel stressed, anxious, or even burned out. Leaders face a lot of pressure from their teams, clients, and the public. Setting clear boundaries can help us keep our minds clear and healthy.
Increased Productivity: Healthy boundaries make us more productive. If we are constantly focused on the needs of others, we can lose sight of our own goals. By establishing boundaries, we create a space to focus on our tasks and reach our objectives more effectively.
Healthy Relationships: Boundaries allow for better relationships. They help us communicate our needs and feelings, making it easier for others to understand where we stand. This clarity builds respect and trust in our connections.
Trust and Respect: When leaders maintain their boundaries, they set an example for their teams. This encourages a culture of respect and helps everyone feel safe and valued in their roles.
Authenticity: By setting boundaries, we can stay true to ourselves and our values. Being authentic is essential for effective leadership and helps us connect genuinely with others.
I hope these reasons are more than enough to help you understand the importance of maintaining boundaries. Now, let’s get to the part you’ve been waiting for: real-life examples of boundary setting.
It’s okay to stand up for ourselves and our space, even when others might not understand or respect our limits. Setting these boundaries is essential for our well-being.
Real-Life Examples of Maintaining Personal Boundaries
To illustrate the importance of maintaining personal boundaries, let’s examine the experiences of two rising pop stars: Chappell Roan and Gracie Abrams. Both have faced the challenges of fame while navigating their personal boundaries with fans.
Chappell Roan: The Battle Against Fame
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Chappell Roan’s fame took off quickly. After she released her debut album, “The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess,” she found herself in the spotlight. At first, she loved the attention, but soon, she began to struggle with the pressure that came with fame.
Roan has openly discussed her mental health challenges and the importance of setting boundaries with fans. “I think the strangest part has been sometimes people lead with physical touching rather than a hello,” Roan shared, reflecting on her experiences of being grabbed or touched without her consent. This is a vital reminder that even people in the public eye need to assert their boundaries to protect their mental health.
Roan’s story teaches us that it’s okay to stand up for ourselves and our space, even when others might not understand or respect our limits. Setting these boundaries is essential for her well-being.
Gracie Abrams: Finding Balance on Tour
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Gracie Abrams, another rising star, has also dealt with the challenges of fame while trying to maintain her personal boundaries. As she tours to promote her album, “The Secret of Us,” Abrams has become increasingly aware of how fans approach her.
When asked about the weirdest part of becoming more famous, she expressed concern about how some fans touch her. “It’s been jarring when people lead with physical touching rather than a hello,” she said. This shows the difficulty many artists face in asserting their boundaries, especially when they want to connect with their supporters.
Abrams’ experience highlights the need for everyone—especially those in the public eye—to clearly communicate their boundaries. By doing so, they not only protect themselves but also set an example for their fans about respect and consent in relationships.
Author's Personal Experiences with Boundaries
When writing about maintaining personal boundaries, it’s important to reflect on personal experiences, even those that don’t seem directly connected at first.
Let me share a bit of my own background that might surprise you. I once had a brief career as an amateur political pundit. Under a pseudonym, I covered issues from a sharp and often controversial perspective, and my X account (formerly Twitter) quickly grew a sizable following. I even got to interact with some celebrities and add my voice to hot cultural debates.
But no, I won’t be sharing that account information here. Why? Because there was a dark side to being a political commentator that I wished I had known sooner.
Without clear boundaries, you can find yourself caught up in something much darker than you anticipated.
What They Don’t Share About Fame
Here’s what I learned from that experience:
Pressure to talk about uncomfortable topics: Followers would demand I take a stance on issues I wanted to stay neutral on.
Threats and false accusations: People threatened to report me to X community support, falsely accusing me of making harmful or racist comments, even though it was all part of self-deprecating humor.
Defending questionable behavior: I was pressured to defend people who weren’t doing anything illegal but were acting in ways that were highly immoral.
Staying “in character”: I felt trapped in the need to maintain a certain persona and couldn’t break away to discuss things that truly mattered to me.
The trap of divisive content: To stay relevant, I felt I had to create more and more divisive content, even if it wasn’t aligned with my personal values.
Insults and defamation: On one occasion, a swarm of followers from another account defamed me, even targeting my private business with negative publicity.
After considering all this, I decided to step back and never look back. I realized that staying in that space wasn’t worth the toll it took on me personally or professionally.
This experience taught me a lot about boundaries—how easy it is to lose yourself when you’re constantly responding to the demands of others. It’s a slippery slope, and without clear boundaries, you can find yourself caught up in something much darker than you anticipated.
Now, let’s move on to you and how you can maintain not just your personal and professional space, but also your sanity. In the next section, I’ll share some tips on how to set and maintain personal boundaries.
Consistency is key when it comes to maintaining boundaries. If you let others cross your limits once, they may feel it’s okay to do so again. Be firm in upholding your boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable.
How to Maintain Personal Boundaries
Now that we understand the importance of maintaining personal boundaries, let’s discuss some practical strategies you can use in your life or business:
- Know Your Limits: Take some time to think about what your boundaries are. What are you comfortable with, and what makes you uncomfortable? Knowing your limits is the first step in asserting them.
Communicate Clearly: Once you know your boundaries, communicate them to others. Use “I” statements to express your needs, such as “I need some time to myself” or “I prefer to communicate by email instead of phone calls.” Clear communication helps others understand your needs.
Be Assertive: It’s essential to be assertive when someone crosses your boundaries. This doesn’t mean being rude or aggressive; it simply means standing up for yourself calmly and respectfully. You might say, “I appreciate your enthusiasm, but I prefer to keep our interactions more professional.”
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care in your daily routine. Taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally allows you to maintain your boundaries effectively. Make time for activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Stay Consistent: Consistency is key when it comes to maintaining boundaries. If you let others cross your limits once, they may feel it’s okay to do so again. Be firm in upholding your boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Seek Support: If you find it challenging to maintain your boundaries, consider seeking support from a coach or therapist. They can help you explore your feelings and develop strategies to assert yourself more effectively.
The image below sums up my best tips. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Maintaining personal boundaries is vital for our well-being, especially as leaders and business owners. By setting clear limits, we protect our mental health, enhance our productivity, and foster healthier relationships.
Remember, it’s okay to say no, prioritize your needs, and create a safe space for yourself and those around you. By maintaining personal boundaries, you can lead a more balanced, fulfilling life and set an example for others to follow.
Thank you for reading! If you haven’t already, listen to my podcast where I talk about all things related to personal care. And if you need more help, consider working with me.
I hope you found this article helpful and inspiring. If you have any thoughts or experiences to share, please feel free to reach out. Let’s continue to support each other on this journey of growth and healing!
