Trauma-Informed or Trauma-Performing? How to Tell the Difference
- Updated: May 25, 2025
They had the language.
Credentials.
Soft lighting, the breathy voice, the “this is a safe space” energy.
And still—I left that podcast interview feeling like I needed a shower.
Not because they were rude. But because behind the curated “trauma-informed” image, I could feel it: their pain was running the show.
Their “healing” business was a coping mechanism with a Canva template.
Their coaching method? A spiritualized funnel built on scarcity, ego, and unresolved wounds.
I wish this was rare.
But the truth? It’s everywhere.
Coaches who haven’t integrated their own trauma—teaching others how to lead.
Therapists who mask ideological bias as clarity.
Mentors who speak in soothing tones but weaponize your nervous system when you hesitate to comply.
This isn’t just unhelpful.
It’s dangerous—especially if you’re a high-functioning leader who’s already doing the work.
Because here’s the thing about trauma-informed coaching:
It either supports your healing… or slowly undoes it.
There is no neutral.
Why This Matters (Especially If You’re a Leader)
Let’s get something straight: this isn’t about petty drama in the coaching world.
This is about re-traumatization disguised as support—and the ripple effects it creates in your business, your decisions, and your emotional clarity.
If you’ve got a trauma history and a leadership role, here’s what happens when you fall into the wrong “trauma-informed” space:
🧠 You start doubting your own inner wisdom.
A coach told you your nervous system reaction was “resistance.”
So now you question your instincts. You override your own boundaries. You stay in containers that make you shrink—because they called it growth.
💸 You spend thousands… and feel more dysregulated than before.
You expected support.
Instead, you got an emotional funnel—designed to activate your fear, urgency, or guilt into signing up, staying in, or “leaning in harder.”
🧍🏽♀️ You adopt strategies that mimic your abuser’s control style.
Spiritualized shame.
One-size-fits-all healing.
The “you’re not ready to hear this yet” gaslight.
Suddenly, your leadership feels out of alignment… and you don’t know why.
💥 You internalize their confusion as your failure.
You didn’t fail to integrate.
You were coached by someone who confused presence with performance.
And now you’re left holding the emotional bag.
That’s why this post isn’t just a critique—it’s a call for discernment.
Because when someone says “trauma-informed,” they should mean safe, slow, and spacious—not shiny, spiritualized, and slightly predatory.
🔥 What Shady “Trauma Coaches” Are Actually Doing (And Why It Works—Until It Doesn’t)
Not all trauma coaches are dangerous.
But the ones who are?
They’re often the most convincing—because they’ve built an entire brand around the appearance of safety while coaching from an unhealed wound.
They’re not just off—they’re performing healing while projecting harm.
Here’s what to watch for:
🕰️ Urgency-Laced Funnels Disguised as “Divine Timing”
They say:
“If you don’t act now, you’re blocking your abundance.”
“This window will never open again.”
But let’s be honest—urgency is a trauma trigger.
And they know it.
These coaches weaponize scarcity language to push signups, not healing.
If their calendar is a spiritual ultimatum, that’s not alignment—it’s manipulation.
😇 Spiritualized Shame Masquerading as Insight
They tell you that your resistance is “your inner child acting out.”
That your triggers are “just ego.”
That your silence means you’re not ready for your breakthrough.
This isn’t trauma-informed.
This is spiritual bypassing with a side of superiority complex.
If your pain becomes their proof of your brokenness—run.
📢 Publicly Weaponizing Clients as Content
They post “wins” that aren’t theirs to share.
They hint about “a client with deep wounding who had to be told the truth”—as if your story is a marketing hook.
Healing isn’t a case study.
If your suffering becomes their spotlight, that’s exploitation, not leadership.
🔒 Creating Dependency Instead of Empowerment
They say they’re here to help you lead… but suddenly, you’re:
Waiting for their voice note to feel okay again
Apologizing for needing time to process
Paying thousands to feel “held” by someone who’s quietly draining you
This isn’t support.
This is trauma bonding rebranded as mentorship.
🧠 Coaching From Their Own Wound (Without Accountability)
They were unhoused. Abused. Abandoned. And they never healed it.
Now their whole business model is built on proving they’re not powerless—by coaching you like you’re their past self.
It shows up in:
Tight control over access or time (“your call ends in exactly 48 minutes”)
Over-identification with your pain
Emotionally collapsing when you push back
You’re not their redemption arc.
You’re not here to help them regulate.
And you’re not the one who should be doing all the emotional labor.
Not all help may be helpful to you. Discern the heart of your healer before you embark on the challenging, yet worthwhile work of healing.
🔍 How to Tell the Real McCoy
Let’s be clear: not everyone who uses “trauma-informed” language is dangerous.
But if you’ve been burned by a coach or therapist who used your wounds as leverage, you need more than vague vibes or credentials.
You need discernment.
Here’s how to spot someone who’s actually safe—not just fluent in the language of healing, but anchored in the practiceof it.
✅ They move slowly, not urgently.
They don’t push you into “containers.”
They don’t confuse pressure with progress.
They give you time to think, feel, and decide—because real safety doesn’t expire in 24 hours.
✅ They don’t spiritualize your triggers.
They don’t call your hesitation “resistance.”
They don’t throw your inner child under the bus.
They understand trauma lives in the body, and they don’t shame you when yours speaks up.
✅ They are not the hero of your story.
They don’t position themselves as your savior.
They don’t “spotlight” your breakthroughs for their own marketing.
And if you challenge them? They don’t crumble, deflect, or retaliate.
They listen.
✅ They’re doing their own work—and it shows.
You can feel it in their presence.
In the way they hold silence without filling it.
In the way they don’t need to prove anything.
They’re not performing healing.
They’re embodying it. I talked about that owning the journey as a healing practitioner. Click the link below to listen.
🎥 From *The Season of Self Love* podcast — I share how real growth often comes from revisiting the hard stuff with compassion.
FAQ: You’re Not Dramatic—You’re Finally Seeing It Clearly
What if their advice “worked” for a while?
Abusers sometimes give compliments too. That doesn’t make them safe. Just because someone helped you break a habit or feel empowered doesn’t mean they were operating from integrity—or that you owe them lifelong trust.
**Read next:** 👉 Loyalty Trauma Bonds: When Staying Committed Becomes Self-Betrayal
I feel more anxious since working with them—does that mean I’m “resisting healing”?
No. It means your body is picking up what your logic tried to ignore. Anxiety isn’t always sabotage—it’s sometimes survival intelligence. If someone used your nervous system’s honesty against you, that’s manipulation, not mentorship.
**Read next:** 👉 Coping with PTSD Symptoms as an Entrepreneur
What if I don’t trust anyone now?
That’s not dysfunction. That’s defense—and it’s earned. When trust has been exploited in the name of healing, your system retreats. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re protecting something sacred. The goal isn’t to trust blindly again—it’s to trust *your discernment.*
**Read next:** 👉 How Healing Personal Trauma Fuels Stronger, Smarter Leadership
What if they seemed more regulated than me?
Regulation can be performed. Just because someone speaks slowly and makes long eye contact doesn’t mean they’re safe. Some of the most emotionally dangerous people in the healing industry are those who’ve mastered *the tone*—but can’t tolerate your truth unless it flatters their identity.
**Read next:** 👉 Raised by a Passive-Aggressive Parent? Here’s How It Shows Up in Your Business
🔚 Final Thoughts: This Isn’t Bitterness. It’s Boundaries.
You’re not overreacting.
You’re not “too sensitive.”
You’re not sabotaging your healing by walking away.
You’re finally trusting the part of you that always knew when something felt off.
There’s a whole coaching and healing industry built on unresolved pain, soft words, and subtle control. And if you’ve been burned, confused, or retraumatized by someone who said they were here to help—you’re not alone. You’re just waking up.
And when you do?
You don’t need to burn it all down.
You just need to walk toward what’s real.
💌 Want support from someone who isn’t performing healing for the algorithm?
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You deserve support that doesn’t make you smaller.
Truth without the trigger bait.
Healing without being handled.
And you’re not crazy for wanting more.
You’re finally clear.
That’s where it starts.
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