When the Past Haunts You: How to Stop Intrusive Memories
Hi there! My name is Denise G. Lee, and I am a healing and leadership coach. That means I help people who run their own businesses to succeed and feel good about what they do.
Today, I want to talk to you about something important that can happen to anyone, no matter how old you are or what you do. It’s called “intrusive memories.” These are memories that pop into your head, sometimes when you least expect them, and can make you feel a lot of different emotions.
Why is this important? Well, understanding intrusive memories can help you know what to do when they happen. It can also help you feel better and more in control of your feelings. For business owners, dealing with intrusive memories is crucial because these thoughts can interfere with your ability to make decisions, focus on tasks, and lead your team effectively.
First, let’s talk about why you as a business owner must deal with these tups of memories.
Do you know what happens when you stop trying to:
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) July 29, 2024
Work
Have sex
People-please
Avoid
Deny
Suppress
Self-medicate
The pain away?
Simple: You have flashbacks of painful moments from the past.
And it doesn’t even have to occur where you expect, like therapy or counseling.
It can…
Why Dealing with Intrusive Memories is Important for Business Owners
As a business owner, dealing with intrusive memories is crucial for several reasons:
Decision Making: Intrusive memories can cloud your judgment and make it hard to make important business decisions. By dealing with these memories, you can think more clearly and make better choices.
Focus: When you are preoccupied with intrusive memories, it’s hard to focus on your work. Addressing these memories can help you stay focused and productive.
Leadership: Your team looks up to you for guidance and support. If you are struggling with intrusive memories, it can affect your ability to lead effectively. Taking care of your mental health helps you be a better leader.
Relationships: Building and maintaining good relationships with clients, partners, and employees is key to a successful business. When you manage intrusive memories, you can interact with others more positively and constructively.
I hope I’ve made the case for why this is important not only for you personally but also professionally. Next, let’s talk about what happens when you decide to deal with painful memories from the past.
What Happens When You Stop Avoiding Painful Memories?
Imagine you are carrying a ton of stuff. You keep adding more bags every time something bothers you, instead of dropping things and looking at them. Eventually, your hands get so weak and tired that it’s hard to carry anything, and you might even start to feel pain from carrying it all around.
When we try to avoid our feelings by working too much, trying to make everyone happy, or ignoring our emotions, it’s like adding more bags to that load. When we finally stop avoiding our feelings, those heavy bags (or memories) can come rushing back all at once. This is what we call intrusive memories.
When Do Intrusive Memories Happen?
Intrusive memories can happen at any time. They don’t just come up when you are in therapy or talking to a counselor. They can surprise you while you are:
- Reading a book
- Shopping at the store
- Mowing the lawn
- Taking care of your kids
- Watching a TV show
Why Do Intrusive Memories Happen?
Let’s talk a little bit about why this happens. Our brains are like big, amazing computers that store all kinds of information, including memories of things that have happened to us. Sometimes, our brains store memories of events that were really hard or painful. These memories can be stored very deeply, and we might not think about them for a long time.
Intrusive memories often come from traumatic incidents in the past. These could be events that were really scary, upsetting, or hard to deal with. For example, if you were in a car accident, bullied at school, or had a difficult relationship, your brain might store these memories deeply. Later on, when something reminds you of those events, the memories can pop back into your mind.
When we stop avoiding our feelings, our brain might decide it’s time to bring these memories back to the surface. It’s like your brain is saying, “Hey, remember this? We need to deal with this now so we can feel better.” This is a natural process and a way for our brain to help us heal.
Science Behind Intrusive Memories
Intrusive memories and thoughts are a significant aspect of various mental health conditions, including PTSD, OCD, anxiety, and depression.
Brain Chemistry and Structure
Intrusive memories are connected to how well the brain controls and blocks out unwanted memories. A key chemical in this process is Gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA for short), which helps in the hippocampus, the part of the brain that deals with memory.
When your GABA isn’t working well, the prefrontal cortex (which handles decision-making and control) has a hard time managing the hippocampus, leading to persistent intrusive thoughts. This issue is especially important in conditions like PTSD, schizophrenia, and anxiety disorders, where the hippocampus becomes too active.
Cognitive and Emotional Factors
Intrusive thoughts often come from things that bother our mind or emotions. Survivors of traumatic events or childhood neglect often block out memories or dissociate themselves from the experience.
Stress, not getting enough sleep, and feeling anxious can also make these thoughts happen more often. These thoughts can be upsetting, like violent or sexual ideas, which makes them even more distressing. They usually don’t match what a person believes or values, making them even harder to deal with.
Expert Insights
Michael Anderson, University of Cambridge: “Our ability to control our thoughts is fundamental to our wellbeing. When this capacity breaks down, it causes some of the most debilitating symptoms of psychiatric diseases: intrusive memories, images, hallucinations, ruminations, and pathological and persistent worries. These are all key symptoms of mental illnesses such as PTSD, schizophrenia, depression, and anxiety.”
Jon Abramowitz, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill: “We all have these thoughts, and for the most part, we don’t really do anything with them. We just kind of say, ‘Oh, that’s a doozy. I don’t want to do that, and I’m probably not going to do it,’ and the thought ends up being like a brain fart—like mental noise.”
How Do Intrusive Memories Feel?
This is the part of the article where you might want to pause and write to me about all the feelings that come up when you’re hit by memories from the past. You might feel a lot of different emotions, like:
- Anger
- Sadness
- Fear
- Confusion
It can feel like you’re reliving the painful moment all over again. And as distressing as it is, please know that these feelings are okay and normal. I repeat, they are normal. Your brain is trying to process these memories so you can heal and feel better in the long run.
Examples of Intrusive Memories
Let’s look at some examples to understand better:
Example 1: Imagine you had a scary experience with a dog when you were younger. Now, whenever you see a dog, you suddenly remember that scary moment and feel afraid, even if the dog is friendly.
Example 2: Suppose you had a really hard time in school with a mean teacher. Years later, when you are reading a book about school, you suddenly remember how upset you felt and start to feel sad again.
Example 3: If you are a business owner who once faced a major financial crisis, you might experience intrusive memories when dealing with financial decisions. This can make you feel anxious and affect your confidence in making important choices for your business.
But It Happened So Long Ago…
Many times in the past, I’ve spoken with clients who were told by friends or family to just ignore their painful experiences because “it happened so long ago.” I remember reading the book Psycho-Cybernetics by Dr. Maxwell Maltz, who dedicated a whole chapter to the idea of letting sleeping dogs lie. He said, “These negative experiences do not inhibit, but contribute to the learning process, as long as they are used properly as ‘negative feedback data,’ and are seen as deviations from the positive goal that is desired.”
My goal isn’t for us to relive every single painful memory from the past. That kind of misery could drive us both to despair. What I am talking about is giving yourself permission to deal with all the pain as it comes. In the next section, I’ll share some tips on how to handle these types of memories.
What Can You Do When Intrusive Memories Happen?
Now that we know what intrusive memories are and why they happen, let’s talk about what you can do when they come up. Here are some steps you can take:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel whatever you are feeling. Don’t try to push the feelings away. Instead, notice them and accept that they are there.
Take Deep Breaths: When you feel overwhelmed, take a few deep breaths. This can help calm your mind and body.
Talk to Someone You Trust: Share your feelings with a friend, family member, or counselor. Talking about your feelings can help you feel better and less alone.
Write it Down: Sometimes writing about your feelings in a journal can help you understand them better.
Do Something You Enjoy: Engage in an activity that makes you feel happy or relaxed, like drawing, playing a game, or spending time outside.
I wish I could end my thoughts here, but unfortunately, intrusive memories are not one-and-done events, like that one time you ate too much cake and vowed never to do it again—only to find yourself face-to-face with another slice the next day. You need tools to help you deal with future flashbacks.
In the next section, we’ll cover what not to do as well as what to do when an intrusive memory surfaces.
What Not to Do When Intrusive Memories Happen
It’s important to know what NOT to do when intrusive memories come up:
Don’t Ignore Them: Pretending the memories aren’t there won’t make them go away. It’s better to face them and deal with them.
Don’t Keep It to Yourself: You don’t have to handle this alone. Talking to someone you trust can make a big difference.
- Don’t Be Hard on Yourself: It’s okay to have these memories and feelings. They don’t mean there is something wrong with you.
Now, let’s talk about what to do when these types of memories pop up.
You may have done a great job of actively ignoring, denying, suppressing, and intellectualizing the past pain away. Now, use that same energy to embrace, accept, and celebrate how you survived and what you’ve learned about yourself through those experiences.
What to Do When Intrusive Memories Happen
As tempting as it is to push through scary and uncomfortable memories or flashbacks, we can grow through these experiences by facing them with love and self-compassion. Here are four tips that can help you:
1. Embrace Your Feelings
One of the best things you can do when intrusive memories pop up is to embrace your feelings. This means letting yourself experience whatever emotions come up, even if they are difficult.
Imagine you’re opening a window to let fresh air into a stuffy room. At first, it might feel a little chilly or uncomfortable, but soon the room feels much better. Similarly, letting yourself feel your emotions might be tough at first, but it can help you feel more comfortable and clear-headed in the long run.
For example, if you suddenly remember something sad, instead of pushing those feelings away, allow yourself to feel them. You might cry or feel upset, and that’s okay. By letting these emotions out, you give yourself a chance to process them and start to heal. It’s like giving yourself permission to take a deep breath and let go of some of the heaviness inside.
2. Learn to Talk About Your Feelings
When someone asks you if you’re okay while you’re dealing with intrusive memories, it’s perfectly fine to say, “I am not okay right now. But I’m working on feeling better soon.”
This simple response helps people understand that you’re going through a tough time and that you’re doing something to improve your situation. It’s like telling someone, “I’m in the middle of fixing something, but I’m working on it.”
For example, if a friend notices that you seem upset and asks what’s wrong, you can explain that you’re dealing with some difficult memories but are actively trying to feel better. This way, your friend knows you’re not ignoring the problem and that you’re taking steps to get through it. It can also help them be more supportive and patient with you during this time.
3. Try Mindfulness and/or Relaxation
Practices like mindfulness meditation can help reduce the number and intensity of intrusive thoughts. How? By encouraging you to focus on the present moment without judging yourself.
Here’s a simpler example: Imagine you’re sitting quietly and paying attention to your breathing. Instead of getting upset when a painful memory pops up, you just notice it and then gently bring your focus back to your breathing. This helps you stay calm and less overwhelmed by those memories.
Another example is when you’re eating your lunch and really paying attention to how the food tastes, smells, and feels. By focusing on these details, you give your mind a break from upsetting thoughts and help keep yourself grounded in the present.
4. Understand that Healing Takes Time
Healing from intrusive memories takes time. It’s a process, and it’s okay if it’s not easy. Think of it like growing a garden. You have to plant the seeds, water them, and take care of the plants. It doesn’t happen overnight, but eventually, you will see beautiful flowers bloom.
You may have done a great job of actively ignoring, denying, suppressing, and intellectualizing the past pain away. Now, use that same energy to embrace, accept, and celebrate how you survived and what you’ve learned about yourself through those experiences.
I hope these tips have been helpful to you. The image below summarizes them. Next, I’ll share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Intrusive memories can be really tough to deal with, but understanding them and knowing how to handle them can make a big difference. Remember, it’s okay to have these memories and feelings—they’re part of the healing process.
Please don’t restrict yourself by trying to numb out anything but these thoughts, as that can lead to addiction or compulsive behavior. Also, don’t be hard on yourself if the same type of memory comes up repeatedly. Just like a diamond has many facets, our minds have many layers when it comes to memories. Every time you’re faced with a memory, your mind is working to clear away imperfections or false beliefs that cause you to feel unhappy with your life.
If you ever need help or want to talk about your feelings, I am here for you. You can work with me to develop strategies to feel better and reach your full potential in both your personal and professional life.
And don’t forget to listen to this episode from my entrepreneur podcast for more tips and insights on overcoming challenges and finding inner peace.
Thank you for reading, and take good care of yourself!
