Why Letting Go of the Past Feels Impossible—And How to Heal
Forgiveness is a key part of healing and personal growth. It’s not about letting others off the hook or ignoring the wrongs done to you. Instead, it’s about freeing up your emotional and mental energy so you can show up as the best version of yourself. As a healing and leadership coach, I’ve seen how forgiveness can transform lives and even businesses. For leaders and business owners, this skill is especially crucial.
I know forgiveness isn’t easy—especially when the pain runs deep or has left lasting scars.
In this article, we’ll dive into the power of forgiveness, how to create a new path forward, and how to release feelings that hold us back. Let’s start by exploring why forgiveness is so important for business owners and leaders.
Why Learning to Forgive Matters for Leaders and Business Owners
Forgiveness isn’t just about feeling better—it’s also about leading better. It can have a huge impact on how you run your business and interact with the people around you. Here’s why it’s so important:
1. It Builds Better Teams
When leaders practice forgiveness, it sets the tone for a positive and supportive work environment. When a leader is willing to let go of drama and recognize how their attitude affects others, their team tends to follow suit. Plus, no one wants to work in an environment that feels like a scene from Succession.
When no one feels like there are knives pointed at their back, people can relax. In this state, they’re more likely to trust one another, collaborate effectively, and get things done—without grudges and blame holding everyone back.
2. It Helps You Think Clearly
Carrying grudges clouds your judgment. You focus on all the ways others should have done better or how they’ve wronged you. With that mindset, you might as well be a sports bookie, constantly calculating the chances someone will hurt you. If you want to improve, you can’t let anger or resentment consume your energy—you need to focus on what’s best for the business. Forgiveness clears your mind, allowing you to focus on the bigger picture and make smarter, more thoughtful choices. Plus, when you’re thinking clearly, you can be more creative and strategic.
3. It Lowers Stress
Holding onto negative feelings is draining and stressful. Forgiveness lightens the emotional load, reducing stress and giving you more energy to focus on your goals. This doesn’t just help your business—it benefits your overall health too. I’ve spoken to many business owners and leaders who’ve attributed their health problems to unresolved forgiveness issues. We’ll dive into the health effects of resentment, bitterness, and anger in the next section.
4. It Makes You More Resilient
Let’s face it—business comes with its fair share of challenges and setbacks. You’ve probably heard the expressions “let bygones be bygones” and “roll with the punches,” but it goes deeper than that. If you want not just a successful business, but also peace of mind, you’ll need to let some things slide. Not every score needs to be settled. You’ve got to find a way to grow through the tough situations life throws at you. Forgiveness builds emotional strength, making it easier to bounce back from tough times and move forward with confidence.
5. It Strengthens Relationships
Mistakes happen, whether it’s a misunderstanding with a client or a misstep on your part. When you can forgive and move past those moments, it builds trust and creates stronger, long-lasting relationships with your customers as well as your team members.
Imagine waking up and going to bed without replaying every wrong someone did to you. No mental scorecards. Just peace in your mind, body, and spirit. That kind of freedom isn’t just good for you—it’s good for everyone around you.
In the next section, we’ll dive deeper into how forgiveness improves your mental and physical well-being, paving the way for a healthier, happier, and more successful you.
The Science of Forgiveness
Learning to forgive isn’t just good for your soul—it’s good for your body and mind too. Research shows that letting go of anger and resentment can improve both mental and physical health.
Heart Health
Forgiveness can lower blood pressure and heart rate. People who practice it recover from stress faster and have healthier heart rhythms.
Mental Health
Studies show forgiveness helps reduce:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Stress
- Anger
Better Body Function
Forgiveness can:
- Lower stress hormones like cortisol
- Improve sleep
- Boost overall well-being
A Harvard study in 2023 found that forgiveness improves mental health by easing anxiety and depression. Research from Johns Hopkins also highlighted forgiveness as a way to lower heart attack risks and improve cholesterol.
Experts like Dr. Karen Swartz from Johns Hopkins explain that holding onto anger keeps your body in a constant “fight-or-flight” state, which harms your heart, blood pressure, and immune system. Forgiveness, however, calms stress and promotes better health.
Forgiveness helps us let go of bad feelings and thoughts that can hold us back. It lets us find joy and move forward without being weighed down by past hurts or anger.
While you might be excited about the health benefits, you could also be thinking, “But I can’t forgive because it means they won’t face justice or be held accountable.” If that’s on your mind, hold on a moment. In the next section, we’ll talk about what forgiveness is—and what it’s not.
Understanding What Forgiveness Really Is
Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying what happened was okay, nor does it mean forgetting. Instead, it’s about releasing the heavy burden of anger and resentment that comes with being hurt. It’s not about excusing the behavior—it’s about freeing yourself from the emotional weight it places on you.
Think of it like running your business. Imagine your team made a costly mistake on a project. Forgiveness isn’t ignoring the mistake or saying it didn’t matter. Instead, it’s about addressing the issue, learning from it, and moving forward without carrying a grudge that distracts from future goals. Holding onto that resentment is like keeping a running tab of every mistake your team ever made—it doesn’t help anyone and only drains your focus and energy.
As I often say, “Letting go doesn’t mean we approve of what happened; it means we’re lightening our load.” When we forgive, we reclaim the mental and emotional energy that was tied up in reliving the hurt. That energy can now go into something more productive, whether it’s building stronger relationships, growing your business, or simply enjoying life.
Now, let’s talk about some common blocks that can prevent people from forging.
Things That Make Forgiveness Hard
Forgiveness isn’t always easy, and there are common reasons why it can feel so difficult:
- Fear of being hurt again: You might think, If I forgive, won’t they just hurt me again? This fear can make you feel like staying angry is a way to protect yourself.
- Believing they don’t deserve it: You might feel like forgiving means letting them off the hook or that it’s unfair if they haven’t apologized or changed.
- Thinking forgiveness means excusing what happened: Again, forgiveness doesn’t mean saying the hurt was okay or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about moving forward without letting the pain control you.
Imagine holding onto anger like carrying a heavy backpack full of rocks. Each rock represents resentment, fear, or bitterness. When you forgive, you’re not tossing the backpack to the person who hurt you. Instead, you’re setting it down for your own peace.
Forgiveness is for your benefit, not theirs. It’s about freeing yourself from the emotional weight so you can move on with a lighter heart and a clearer mind.
Now, let’s dive deeper into how you can learn to forgive, so you can move from just surviving to truly thriving.
Steps to Learn Forgiveness
We can’t talk about learning to forgive without addressing who harmed you and understanding their motives. It’s easy to say, “They were wrong, case closed,” but often, there’s more beneath the surface. When you allow yourself to see that their cruelty was rooted in their own dysfunction, you take one more step toward clarity, peace, and healing.
Compassion and accountability can coexist. You can hold someone responsible for the harm they caused without carrying that harm forever.
This is your journey. This is your healing.
I shared more about this in the social media post below. Click the link to join the conversation.
The other day, I wrote a message about how an abuser rationalizes their treatment of their victim.
— Denise G. Lee (@DeniseGLee) January 9, 2025
Not surprisingly, I received some less-than-positive responses.
Let me clarify a couple of things:
1. Rationalization ≠ Justification
2. Victims deserve safety and comfort,…
Five Steps Toward Forgiveness
Learning to forgive is not easy. Healing isn’t a straight path either. One day, you might feel compassion, and the next, anger and resentment can resurface. It’s less like a smooth journey and more like an emotional roller coaster with ups and downs. But if you keep moving forward, the ride gets less bumpy and twisty over time.
With that in mind, here are some steps to help guide you toward a more positive and purpose-filled direction in your life.
- Recognize you’re hurt: The first step is to admit and accept that you’ve been hurt. Don’t try to make your feelings seem smaller or ignore them.
- Choose to forgive: Forgiveness is a choice you make. You don’t need to know how to forgive; you just need to be willing to try.
- Try to understand the other person: This doesn’t make what they did okay, but it can help you let go of anger.
- Let go of expectations: Often, we’re hurt because things didn’t go how we expected. Learning to let go of these expectations can be freeing.
- Take care of yourself: As you work on forgiveness, make sure to take care of yourself. This might mean resting, exercising, or doing things you enjoy.
I’ve summed up the steps in the image below.
Now, let’s dive into the second hardest thing to do: learning to forgive yourself.
Forgiving Yourself
Forgiving yourself can sometimes feel even harder than forgiving others. In your mind, you replay the experiences and expectations of how you should have known better, what you could have done differently, and how much you feel you failed. This kind of thinking can pull you into a guilt- and shame-filled spiral, making it hard to show yourself the same compassion you’d readily offer to someone else.
If this sounds familiar, here are some steps to help you navigate the process of forgiving yourself:
- Admit your mistakes: Be honest with yourself about what you’ve done wrong.
- Be kind to yourself: Treat yourself with the same kindness you would show a friend.
- Learn from what happened: Use your mistakes as chances to grow and learn.
- Try to make things right if you can: If you’ve hurt others, try to fix things.
- Promise to do better: Make a plan for how you’ll act differently in the future.
Why Forgiving Yourself is Not a Simple Process
The five steps of forgiveness aren’t a simple, step-by-step process. Let me explain.
For example, you might spend a lot of time being kind to yourself because the harm was mostly done to you. In that case, making amends to others might not even be necessary. On the other hand, if you did harm someone, it might not always be possible to make amends. Distance, legal issues, time, or even the death of the person involved could prevent direct reconciliation. In such cases, you could consider giving back in other ways, like volunteering with a community that reflects the people you’ve hurt.
Admitting mistakes is often the hardest part. This is especially true if those mistakes challenge the way you see yourself or others. Instead of thinking of forgiveness as peeling a banana (quick and straightforward), imagine it more like cutting into an onion. As you work through it, layers will be revealed—some easier than others.
Over time, as you grow more comfortable with authenticity and vulnerability, new insights and opportunities for healing will naturally emerge. Be patient with yourself and the process.
I hope these tips helped. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Final Thoughts
Learning to forgive is a journey, not a destination. It’s a skill that we can get better at over time with practice and patience. As we work on forgiveness, we open ourselves up to more peace, joy, and success in both our personal and work lives.
At deniseglee.com, I believe that forgiveness is a key part of personal growth and becoming a better leader. By learning to forgive, we can break free from the chains of past hurts and become the best leaders and people we can be.
If you’re having trouble with forgiveness and would like help on your journey, I invite you to work with me, Denise G Lee. Together, we can explore ways to practice forgiveness and healing in your life.I also invite you to listen to an episode of my podcast where we talk more about forgiveness and how it affects leadership and personal growth.
Lastly, I’d love to hear your thoughts on forgiveness. Please share your experiences and ideas using the link provided in this article. Your story could inspire others on their own journey of forgiveness and healing.
Remember, now is the time to stop being our own stumbling block. By learning to forgive, we can free ourselves from the weight of past hurts and move forward with clarity, strength, and purpose.
