Parental Perfectionism: What Happens to Children Raised By Parents With Unrealistic Standards
Ever felt like you just can’t make your parents proud, no matter what you do? Even if you’re doing great in life, you might still feel like you’re not good enough for them.
As a life coach for entrepreneurs, I’ve seen how perfectionism and parental expectations can mess with people’s heads. In this article, we’ll talk about why adults strive for perfection and how parents unknowingly hurt their kids by setting really high standards.
This article focuses on the overall causes of perfectionism. However, in this specific article, I want to zoom in on the causes of parental perfectionism.
Three reasons why parents want perfection
Reason #1: To Impress Others
Even though parents know it’s impossible to be perfect, they sometimes put too much pressure on their kids because they’re worried or scared. One reason for this is they want to impress their own parents or other important people in their lives.
Just like everyone wants to be seen in a good way, parents also want approval and praise from their own parents or important people. This feeling makes them push their kids to always look perfect and be really smart or talented.
Reason #2: Societal Pressures
For instance, if a mom always insists on ironed clothes, lots of activities after school, and doing really well in religious studies, it might be because she wants to impress her own parents or people in the community. She might want to show off a smart and accomplished kid because she’s worried or wants to fit in.
When parents push their kids to do great in everything, it’s not always because they truly believe in being perfect. It’s more about trying to meet the expectations of society or family. They might make strict rules not just because they think everything has to be perfect, but because they want to feel valued or get praise from others.
So, when parents ask for perfection and want everything to be just right, it’s not just about making life hard for kids. It often comes from parents wanting to feel proud and get approval from their own parents or important people in their lives.
Do you hear a voice nagging you in the back of your head, telling you that you need to attend a specific school, have a certain degree or career, or marry a specific kind of person? No wonder many people turn to addiction due to the impossible standard of perfection.
Reason #3: Political Power
Sometimes, it has nothing to do with gaining the approval of others; it’s about leaving a lasting family legacy.
In the article, “Biden Can’t Resist the ‘River of Power,‘” Peggy Noonan explains how the quest for power can also impact how we raise our kids.
Perfectionism and susceptibility to addiction
I remember reading and rereading this article, thinking to myself, “Wow, Joe Biden’s kids must have suffered a lot from the pressure to succeed and be seen as successful.”
Question: Did your parents make you feel insecure about yourself and your ability to succeed in life?
Do you hear a voice nagging you in the back of your head, telling you that you need to attend a specific school, have a certain degree or career, or marry a specific kind of person? No wonder many people turn to addiction due to the impossible standard of perfection.
Research even backs this up. One particular study shows that the pressure to be perfect can contribute to mental health issues and increase the risk of substance abuse. So, in the next part, let’s dig into how the high standards set by immigrant parents can affect their children.
Intergeneration trauma caused through parental perfectionism
Perfectionism isn’t just about wanting to be really good at things. It’s also connected to passing on expectations and unspoken responsibilities from one generation to another.
For example, in the movie “Elemental,” there’s a character named Ember. She struggles with being angry a lot because she feels like she has to make up for all the tough times her dad went through in the past. Ember carries a heavy load of responsibilities that she shouldn’t have to, and it causes a lot of problems and stress for everyone.
Thankfully, the movie ends with the daughter and father learning that Ember has to live her own life, apart from her father. Unfortunately, most families don’t take the time to heal from those old wounds and create new, healthier expectations.
Repaying a debt through your life decisions
Like I said before, for lots of kids whose parents are immigrants, the things their parents expect from them can be really, really hard.
Imagine hearing every day about how much your parents gave up for a better life.
They went through so much – trying to understand a new language, figuring out new rules and customs, and working hard to make money for the family.
All of that pressure can be really tough on a child. And you may still be feeling that pressure as an adult now.
Trying to be perfect often comes from wanting to pay back their parents for all the hard times they went through to bring the family to a new country. These kids feel a big weight to make their parents’ dreams come true.
Getting over this kind of deep need to be perfect is a big problem in families who moved to a new country. The expectations that are too high and the feeling of owing something to their parents can mess with how kids feel about themselves and make it hard for them to feel happy and satisfied.
Next, we’ll talk about ways to get past the influence of parents who always want things to be perfect.
Now is the time to question the incredibly high standards your parents have set. While it's important to set high goals for ourselves, we also need to balance that against the fact that we and everyone else will make mistakes from time to time.
7 Tips to Help You Heal From Parental Perfectionism
Growing up with parents who always wanted things to be perfect can make life hard as an adult. But, you can make things better. Here are some things to think about for your journey to feeling better:
1) Know Yourself
Too many of us are repeating messages that do not even belong to us. We may be unconsciously repeating habits that represented our parents’ perfectionism. And this becomes a part of our life script.
Here is a simple exercise that will help you: write down all the messages that came from your parents, and place them in an envelope addressed to them (you do not have to actually deliver this message, by the way). Next, write down all the messages that represent yourself, your ideas, and your standards. It is important for you to live a life that represents you, not anyone else.
2) Change How You See Things
Because your parents said so, you believed it was the law. I am here to tell you that even though you care and respect them, their “rules” don’t have to control your life forever.
Now is the time to question the incredibly high standards your parents have set. While it’s important to set high goals for ourselves, we also need to balance that against the fact that we and everyone else will make mistakes from time to time.
Changing your perspective will give you a new and healthier way of looking at your life, and you can strive for excellence instead of perfection.
3) Set Limits On Conversations
In the past, you would not question anything your parents or relatives would talk with you about. And if you aren’t careful, your day, week and even year is ruined based on indulging in their shame-based ideas. All that must change now. You can and must decide for yourself what you will and will not talk about with them.
4) Be Kind to Yourself
Many of us are still punishing ourselves in the same shame-filled manner that our parents did. This does not help anyone, especially you. Being kind to yourself means loving your good parts, while compassionately trying to improve the not-so-good aspects of yourself.
Remember to take breaks and remind yourself of how much you have accomplished. Most importantly, observe how you model self-compassion for everyone else.
If you need further assistance on being kinder to yourself, check out my course, Amazing Attitude. It has exercises to help you learn how to be kind to yourself.
Before we invested in our mental health we spent time around some really sketchy characters. Now we can be around people who support you and understand you for who you are. They should encourage you to grow and be yourself.
5) Decide Your Own Rules
We don’t do that in our family…
Our family is known for being…
Are there unspoken rules in your family as to how you are supposed live?
More importantly, does it even makes sense for you now as adult? If no, now is the time to make your own goals and rules that you can actually reach and that feel right for you, not what others want. Focus on getting better, not being perfect.
6) Accept Your Imperfection
Imagine having a mother who insisted that her children never appear dirty. She sent them to school with wipes and a change of clothes, and stains, rips, and torn clothes were unacceptable.
Now imagine the horror on this mother’s face seeing kids return from a day of play and fun. Unacceptable!
The children of this mother learned pretty quickly to ensure they were always clean, regardless of what they were doing, or face the wrath of their mother.
Maybe you didn’t have a parent who demanded perfection in appearance, but perhaps in school performance, sports, or other areas. It can make you feel unworthy if you don’t achieve market perfection.
Here’s the hard truth: None of us can be perfect all the time.
Life isn’t the military where we all look like clones of our commanding officer. Accepting imperfection isn’t an excuse to look and act like a slobby underachiever, but it’s acknowledging that, in the business of life, things can and will get messy. Accept that you may not look great, and you will make mistakes. This is all part of being human.
7) Challenge Your Definition of Success
Think about what success really means to you. For me, success means showing up and saying the hard things that will help you heal.
For you, it may be something else. Now is the time to decide your definition of success based on what you care about, what you love, and what makes you happy, not what others think.
6) Stay in the Moment
Many of us tend to dwell on our past mistakes or worry about the future, causing us to lose focus on the moment. It is important to quiet the negative voices in our heads that are based on performance and focus on values of care and compassion.
This article offers helpful self-care strategies that can help you reduce stress, honor your current emotions, and release the desire for perfection. It is essential to recognize that these activities can help one live in the present fully.
7) Find Good Friends
Before we invested in our mental health we spent time around some really sketchy characters. Those who encouraged us to smoke, drink and drug away our pain away.
Now is different.
Now we can be around people who support you and understand you for who you are. They should encourage you to grow and be yourself.
The image below summarizes the tips to help eliminate the influence of your parent’s perfecisionsm from your life. In the next paragraph I will share my final thoughts on parental perfectionism.
Final thoughts
Understanding how your parents’ perfectionism impacted you as a child is really important to help you stop making unrealistic and critical comments you may be saying to yourself. I hope this article will help you to see your worth apart from their approval of you.
As a life coach, I’m here to help you figure things out and get better from these pressures. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you need help.
If you want to learn more about these things, you might like listening to this episode from my podcast.
