Pitfalls of People-Pleasing: How It Can Harm Your Relationships
In lots of times when we hang out with others, it’s normal to want them to like us and include us. But when this want turns into always trying to make others happy or being too dependent on them, it can mess things up for everyone, including us.
As someone who helps entrepreneurs as a life coach, I want to make sure you set good limits for yourself and your work. In this article, we’ll talk about five problems with always trying to please others and how it can hurt your relationships.
Five pitfalls of people-pleasing
People-Pleasing Pitfall #1. Unrealistic expectations
When one person is always willing to overcompensate and overly accommodate the whims of others, slowly, the other person begins to expect that level of behavior as “normal”.
The other partner may begin to assume people-pleasing is normal and should be expected.
And when that person fails to people-please, the other person grows resentful, leading to a misbalance of power, love and lack of respect.
At the beginning of their dating relationship, my client – Ben (not his real name) – always sent text messages in the morning, noon and night. However, due to an emergency project, he forgot to send a nighttime message to his new girlfriend, Jenna. He turned off his phone to stay focused on meeting the deadline.
The next day, Ben woke up to not just one text message, but multiple missed calls from Jenna, who was worried that something bad had happened to him. Neither Jen nor Ben had explained their expectations for their communication frequency with each other.
People-Pleasing Pitfall #2. Poor or non-existent boundaries
When there is codependency or people-pleasing, there is no clarity as to where one person ends and the other person begins emotionally. Consequently, there are no or limited emotional boundaries. That means that when one person is sad, the other person feels responsible to “fix” or “control” the situation or the other person. This totally removes any form of personal responsibility from the other person.
Amy (not her real name) grew up in a matriarchal home. Despite her mother instructing her that visitors (including family members) are not welcome on Thursday nights unless it’s an emergency, her mother would still ring the doorbell unexpectedly every four to six weeks with food or some request.
People with poor boundaries don’t care about your rules or preferences unless you enforce them with action. With my guidance, Amy has learned not to answer the door when her mother arrives unexpectedly.
People pleasers have done so a great job of trying to make everyone feel comfortable, they forgot to recognize when they feel uncomfortable.
People-Pleasing Pitfall #3. Compulsion to Caretaking
When someone is codependent, they unintentionally teach their family or friends to ignore their own needs. They get so focused on how the other person is feeling that they forget about themselves completely.
Imagine growing up in a house where one of your family members is struggling emotionally. All the attention goes to helping them, and nothing else seems to matter. That’s what happened to my client, Glen (not his real name).
As a child, Glen’s mom had a drinking problem but still managed (barely) to function in everyday life. He remembers her being hungover and angry, taking it out on him and his siblings whenever she was upset. Instead of dealing with her own feelings, she made them everyone else’s problem.
Because of this, Glen learned to believe that it was his job to take care of his mom and later his ex-wife’s mental health.
People-Pleasing Pitfall #4: Unclear sense of self
There is deception or dishonesty from a codependent or people-pleaser. Because the people-pleaser is so hyper focused on making sure the situation “ copacetic,” there is no time for honesty about themselves or how they feel about the relationship.
Codependents say ‘NO’ when they want to say ‘YES’, or say ‘YES’ when they want to say ‘NO’. They fear telling the truth because they fear losing any form of attention.
Consequently, there is a loss in healthy communication between partners which over time, erodes trust.
Unclear Sexual Preferences
I will never forget how my relationship with Jason, my former fiancé, ended. We came back from a trip to upstate New York, where we had just gotten engaged. However, I felt extremely worried about his past sexual experiences.
My concern was that he had not resolved his feelings regarding his sexuality. In a tear-filled outburst, I yelled, “Are you gay? Do you still want to have sex with men?” He looked away and simply replied, “No.”
Jason could not look me in the eye and answer my question, and I knew in my heart that despite his denial, he still had an attraction to men, and our relationship would end terribly.
Codependents say 'NO' when they want to say 'YES', or say 'YES' when they want to say 'NO'. They fear telling the truth because they fear losing any form of attention.
People-Pleasing Pitfall #5: Increased chance for abuse
Abuse (sexual, emotion, financial) runs rampant in codependent relationships. Because the codependent is afraid to “rock the boat,” a person with poor boundaries continues to test the limits of the other person. And because there are no limits, abuse is inevitable.
If you were raised in a performance-oriented family, there is an unspoken rule that you must attain certain things. If these ideas are not challenged, they become part of a destructive life script.
In respect of relationships, if you were raised to never complain and be a good boy or girl, the effects are devastating. My client, Maria, dated many verbally and physically abusive men who could not be pacified despite the fact that she paid for luxurious vacations and multiple gifts.
I recommend the books “A Taste for Pain” by Maria Marcus and “Living with a Passive-Aggressive Man” by Scott Wetzler.
Are you in a codependent or people-pleasing relationships now? If so, we will explore how you can heal and find the peace you need.
How to heal from codependency or people-pleasing?
Great question! Well, the first step is to turn that fixing energy towards yourself. You need to focus on your own healing and reclaim your personal power.
Here are some simple questions to think about that might help you understand why you tend to prioritize others over yourself:
- Who in my family showed me that always putting others first was the way to go?
- Why do I feel scared to be honest with people about my own needs and feelings?
- How do I react when someone seems unhappy with something I’ve done or said?
- Are there any relationships in my life where boundaries seem unclear or where I feel uncomfortable?
Answering these questions honestly can give you insight into how your habit of always pleasing others might be affecting your relationships, both now and in the past. It’s a step towards understanding and healing from codependency.
What can/should people pleasers do to avoid ruining a relationship?
Codependents typically were raised in traumatic and abusive homes. As such, it is likely years before a people-pleaser recognize their behavior as problematic. Take the time to understand the root of your trauma or past abuse. It will help to reduce codependent tendencies with others.
The best way to avoid a terrible relationship is to start with you. Investing in personal development courses or working with a coach like myself is a good start. Also, I highly recommend joining the support group Al-Anon or another codependent support group.
Also, allow people the freedom to enjoy the consequences of their behavior. That means if they mess up or fail, let them figure out a way to solve their problems. You don’t have to be their hero for all of their emergencies. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
No real intimacy exists when one person shields their discomfort via people-pleasing.
Final Thoughts
Wanting to make others happy is natural, but it’s super important to make sure you’re also looking after yourself and making real connections.
Always trying to please everyone can actually mess up your relationships. It can make things fake, mess with who’s in charge, make it hard to talk, and stop you from growing.
But if you focus on taking care of yourself, being clear about what you need, and having real talks, you can build better relationships that make you feel good. And hey, if you need some extra help with this stuff, I’m here for you.
Want to learn more? Click here to listen to an episode from my podcast episode about feeling good about yourself and finding clarity. Just click here to listen!
