Setting Boundaries: Tips for Dealing with Parents as an Adult
As a life coach, I’m here to help you deal with tough challenges, like handling tricky relationships—even with your parents. It can feel overwhelming, but setting boundaries is super important.
Let’s be real, setting boundaries with our parents as grown-ups can be really scary. As we get older, it’s normal to rethink how we relate to our parents. But trust me, I get it.
That’s why in this article, we’ll talk about simple ways to set boundaries that suit you, while still being respectful and understanding. So, let’s get started together!
Is setting limits with others really needed?
For many of us, dealing with our parents, even as a grown man or woman can feel really hard. Sometimes, it’s like we’re walking through a big problem with no idea where to go.
And some of us have parents who seem larger than life itself. Going against their rules, even as an adult, may feel like we’re betraying all the sacrifices they made for us during our childhood.
So, lots of us avoid it altogether. In the next section, we will talk about how we avoid setting boundaries with our parents and the problems that come with avoiding demanding respect from our parents as adults.
Navigating Adult Relationships: How We Unconsciously Avoid Setting Boundaries with Our Parents
1. Avoid your parents (at all costs)
When you don’t know what to say or how they will react, the best course of action is to avoid making any kind of move. So, perhaps you don’t answer their calls, make up excuses to miss family events, or spend less time with them.
Despite how it easy it may feel to avoid, this doesn’t fix what’s really going on. For example, imagine always avoiding talks about your future business plans because you’re scared your parents won’t like them. Over time, this can stop you from growing and make you feel alone or upset.
We only talk about simple stuff like the weather or sports and never get into deep talks about our feelings or problems. This might seem easier, but it doesn't make us feel close to anyone.
2. Keep conversations with your parents shallow and superficial
Sometimes we keep our talks with our parents light and easy. We only talk about simple stuff like the weather or sports and never get into deep talks about our feelings or problems. This might seem easier, but it doesn’t make us feel close to our parents.
Imagine only chatting about basic stuff during family dinners and never sharing your worries or struggles. Everyone is desperately trying to avoid setting off a bomb that would make them feel angry, sad or fearful. It might keep things peaceful for a while, but it stops us from really connecting and understanding each other.
Alright, let’s dig into why it’s so crucial to set boundaries with emotionally disturbed individuals, including our parents, for the sake of our mental and emotional well-being.
Understanding the Vital Role of Boundaries: Two Reasons Why They Matter in Relationships and Self-Care
Alright, let’s dive into why it’s absolutely crucial for you to set boundaries with emotionally disturbed individuals, including our parents, for the sake of our mental and emotional well-being.
Reason #1: You Can Think Better
When you can think clearly, you make better choices in our lives. I remember when I was in 12-step recovery, reciting part of the ‘Promises.’ One of them said:
‘We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.’
One of the biggest challenges I faced was learning how to deal with people and set limits. I either avoided them or kept things shallow. Don’t be like old Denise. But clear about your needs.
When you’re clear about what you need, even when you feel nervous and scared, that’s when you truly excel.
Is getting a clarity of mind really that easy?
Well, yes and no. There are three steps in this process, as explained by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, authors of “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.” First, it means taking charge of our own thoughts. Second, it’s about learning new things and expanding our minds. And third, it’s about sorting out any wrong or confusing thoughts we might have.
This can be challenging if you had parents who had little to no self-control and/or sensitivity to your needs. They may have convinced you that you were being mean, selfish, or cruel for not bending over backwards and never complaining about their behavior.
However, as adults, you have the choice of who you want to spend your free time with. When you know what is acceptable, you’re asserting that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
No longer do you have to absorb the negative emotions of your relatives, or anyone else for that matter. You also do not have to become enmeshed in their dysfunctional patterns. By establishing healthy boundaries, you create a buffer zone that shields you from emotional manipulation or excessive guilt-tripping.
Reason #2: You’ll Become More Resilient
Building resilience is all about the small decisions we make every single day. To make the right choices, you have to understand yourself inside out. When you know yourself well, you can predict situations that might throw you off balance. And this self-awareness helps you form deeper connections with others.
From ‘Onward: Cultivating Emotional Resilience in Educators’ by Elena Aguilar.
Dysfunctional families have a tendency to blur our idea of who we are and what you want. Not only that, but they also make you question your ability to keep ourselves safe and sound. But resilience changes the game on all that. It tells you that you can and will survive anything scary or uncomfortable.
Resiliency is the ultimate confidence booster
Healthy emotional boundaries help you build confidence by reminding yourself that you can handle the unpredictable and that you can remove yourself from toxic places whenever needed and necessary.
No longer do you have to absorb the negative emotions of your relatives, or anyone else for that matter. You also do not have to become enmeshed in their dysfunctional patterns. By establishing healthy boundaries, you create a buffer zone that shields you from emotional manipulation or excessive guilt-tripping.
Caution: Boundaries will trigger resistance
It’s really important to realize that when you try to set limits with parents who are emotionally disturbed, they might not take it well. Dr. Daniel Siegel, who’s a professor at UCLA, talks about something called “emotional hijacking.” Basically, when people feel threatened or upset, their brain’s primitive parts such as the amygdala, can take over, making them react without thinking.
Now that you understand why boundaries are so important, let’s chat about how you can stick to them, not just with your parents, but with anyone else who’s getting under your skin.
Mastering Emotional Boundaries: 6 Essential Steps for Lasting Success
1. Recognize Your Needs:
Alright, so the first thing we gotta do when it comes to setting boundaries with our parents is to tune in to our own needs and limits. Take a moment to think about what stuff or situations make you feel uneasy or just totally drained. Once you’ve got a handle on your boundaries, you’ll feel more confident about speaking up and letting your parents know what’s what.
2. Communicate Clearly with Respect:
When you’re talking to your parents about your boundaries, it’s super important to be clear and respectful. Try using language that’s assertive but also kind and understanding.
So instead of saying something like, “You’re always invading my privacy,” you could say, “I really need some space to make my own decisions. I’d really appreciate it if you could respect my privacy.” It’s all about getting your point across without pointing fingers or making them feel attacked.
3. Set Firm and Consistent Boundaries:
Alright, so once you’ve laid down your boundaries, it’s crucial to stick to them every time. Stay strong and don’t give in just to avoid a fight or make your parents happy. Being consistent shows that you take your well-being seriously and you expect others to respect that.
When we recognize the bravery it takes to put ourselves first and speak up in our relationships, it gives us the confidence to handle all sorts of communication hurdles in our lives.
4. Practice Self-Care:
When you’re setting boundaries with your parents, it’s totally normal to feel guilty, anxious, or just plain uncomfortable. We were scripted to behave in a way that made everyone except us feel okay. Now we get to feel and respond to the uncomfortable.
When we make sure to put yourself first and take care of yourself we allow ourselves to naturally deal with how our bodies respond to stress. No medication needed.
So, this is the time where you decide to take care of your physical, emotional and spiritual needs met—whether that’s getting some exercise in, practicing mindfulness, or just hanging out with friends who’ve got your back. It’s all about looking after yourself while you’re going through this process.
5. Seek Support:
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help from your trusted circle—whether it’s friends, family, a therapist, or hey, even someone like me, a coach.
Having a chat with folks who get where you’re coming from can give you that reassurance, advice, and a little push when you need it as you’re figuring out this whole boundary-setting thing. And more importantly, the right support can help you stay accountable to yourself even when you feel scared, afraid or uncomfortable.
6. Celebrate Your Progress:
Setting and sticking to boundaries with our parents is all about growing and learning more about ourselves. Too many of us stay stuck because we don’t want to change the status quo. But you are different because you are willing to be brave.
So, hey, celebrate every little win, no matter how tiny it might seem. Even something as small as saying you’re not up for dinner or skipping a nightly call is a step in the right direction.
When we recognize the bravery it takes to put ourselves first and speak up in our relationships, it gives us the confidence to handle all sorts of communication hurdles in our lives. So go ahead, pat yourself on the back for taking those steps forward. You’re doing great!
The image below summarizes my boundary-setting tips. In the next section, I will share my final thoughts.
Final thoughts
Creating boundaries is not easy! Especially if you were raised in a codependent or enmeshed household. So don’t feel bad if you have a setback or two along the way. It’s all about progress, not perfection. What I don’t want you to do is read this article and say, “Awesome!” and then do nothing.
Please take action. Even something as small as thinking about the limits you want to set with your parents or anyone else for that matter. Then, write it down. Writing our thoughts helps our minds actually put plans in place to initiate change.
If you need more help, don’t hesitate to contact me. Also, delve deeper into this issue by listening to this episode from my entrepreneur podcast.
