Redefining Relationships: Moving Forward After Infidelity
- Updated: June 15, 2024
We’re all human, and sometimes we do things that cause problems in our relationships. One big problem is cheating on our romantic partners. When someone cheats, it’s not just breaking trust. It can have lasting effects on everyone involved, like the partner who didn’t cheat, their kids, and even their friends.
As a coach for entrepreneurs, I talk about cheating with my clients. It’s important because it can happen to anyone, no matter their age, who they love, what they believe, or where they’re from.
Cheating is a big topic that could fill a whole book. But for now, let’s talk about why it happens and what to do if it does.
Important note:
Before you read this, there’s something you need to know: I’m a Christian, but I’m not here to preach or push my beliefs on you. This message is just about psychology and science. I’ll share some ideas that might be new to you.
First, let’s gather more numbers and facts about this important issue.
Postmenopausal women and postandropausal men both experience hormonal and lifestyle changes, such as retirement, and may need more support than their current partner can provide for them.
Infidelity Statistics
To be frank, the reason why so many of us suffer in silence is that we think we are the only ones who have, do, or will suffer from painful situations. That is why I want to share with you some recent stats (as of 2023 from the General Social Survey (GSS)) and other sources like this one regarding the betrayal of sexual trust between partners.
Who is most likely to be unfaithful, women or men?
Despite changing gender norms in our society, men are still more likely to cheat than women. According to GSS data, 20% of married men and 13% of married women admit to having sex with someone other than their spouse.
Women are closing the cheating gap.
Although men cheat more, infidelity rates among women are on the rise- having increased by 40% in the last 20 years.
Younger married women (ages 18 to 29) are slightly more likely to cheat. The reasons for women cheat differ from their male counterparts. However, among adults 30 years and older, however, men are always more likely to cheat.
By age, who is most likely to be unfaithful?
Older adults (especially men aged 50-60s) need a little extra loving. The highest rate of infidelity is in men 60-69 years of age, though just a decade ago, the highest infidelity was among men in their 50s. For women, their highest infidelity rates happen at 50-59 years, whereas a decade ago, the same was true of women in their 40s.
This makes sense when you think about it. Postmenopausal women and postandropausal men both experience hormonal and lifestyle changes, such as retirement, and may need more support than their current partner can provide for them. Also, they may feel a lack of connection with their spouse because their children have left their home and there are no common bonds for discussing childcare-related issues. Empty-Nest syndrome is a common cause of infidelity.
Who is More Unfaithful: Married or an Unmarried Person?
About 40% of couples who aren’t married and 25% of married couples have at least one instance of cheating. Research shows that people who grew up with both of their biological or adoptive parents cheating less often, about 15%, compared to those whose parents got divorced, at 18%.
But here’s the surprising part: about 70% of all Americans have some sort of affair during their marriage, depending on what you consider cheating. It’s not always just about having sex with someone who’s not your partner.
Emotional infidelity
What if your partner wasn’t sexual with another person, but shared a close intimate bond? This is called emotional infidelity.
Despite women are more upset by it than men (73% of women stating that they would be very upset by it, compared to 56% of men), they are most likely to have an emotional affair.
According to a 2019 Fatherly report, where over 90,000 participants were studied, it was revealed that 78.6% of men and 91.6% of women admitted to having an emotional affair.
Rarely will a partner cheat because they only want to hurt the other partner. Behind the infidelity are insecurities, inadequacies, or even a grandiose sense of power or entitlement.
Eight Reasons for Infidelity
Many people believe cheaters lack morals and don’t care how their actions hurt their partner and family. However, this is a basic view. Next, we’ll talk about eight reasons why someone might cheat on their partner.
Reason #1: Pheromones
Sufficient chemistry or pheromones can result in inevitable sexual attraction, and it may take up to three minutes to decide whether someone is a potential partner (“The Evolution of Desire” by David Buss). For instance, in church, a man and a woman could sit separately and arouse one another.
What are pheromones?
Pheromones are odorless hormones secreted by bodily fluids such as urine, semen, vaginal secretions, breast milk, and potentially saliva and breath. However, most attention has been directed towards axillary sweat.
Can pheromones keep a relationship indefinitely?
Sorry, but no. Attraction based solely on sexual desire tends to last only about three years, as stated in ‘The Psychology of Human Sexuality’ by Justin J. Lehmiller. For instance, many celebrities like Halle Berry and Britney Spears have had brief relationships, indicating that a foundation of sexual attraction is not a recipe for success.
Reason #3: Financial Security
Financial difficulties can strain a relationship. If one partner feels financially insecure or burdened, they might seek comfort and stability elsewhere, leading to infidelity. This can happen even if they still love their partner.
Reason #4: Cross Addictions
People struggling with substance abuse might engage in infidelity. Their addiction can impair judgment and lead to risky behaviors, including cheating, as seen with Hunter Biden during his addiction struggles.
Reason #5: Mutual Agreement
In some cases, couples mutually agree to allow infidelity. This might happen due to various reasons, such as a desire for sexual variety or to maintain a public image, like with Bill and Hillary Clinton, who faced public scrutiny but maintained their relationship despite allegations of infidelity.
Reason #6: Attention
Some of us really don’t know how to say, “Pay attention to me!” So we resort to getting our needs met through passive-aggressiveness. My thoughts drifted to a client whose husband, let’s call him Andy, seemed incapable of fidelity.
In a surprising turn of events, he appeared alongside my client during one of our video sessions. (Mind you, I don’t specialize in marriage counseling.)
Andy interrupted, exclaiming, “Stop meddling in our marriage! Just focus on her business.”
I took a moment, then asked, “Do you enjoy being caught?” (I know, my questions can be quite unexpected.)
Even through the 1080p resolution screen, I could see his eyes reddening slightly and the bulging of his neck veins.
“Excuse me!”
I continued, “Every time you cheat, there seems to be a surge of interaction and, frankly, passion between you and your wife. I wonder if you enjoy getting caught.”
No response; Andy promptly ended the call.
Many of us crave attention intensely, going to extreme lengths to secure it. I suspect the women Andy engaged with weren’t even his true type or attractive—mere pawns to incite my client’s ire.
What about you?
Do you find yourself consistently stirring up drama, causing chaos, being tardy, or just trying to “shake things up” around people?
It could be that seeking attention was the only way you knew how to garner it as a child. However, all that drama can wreak havoc on not just your marriage, but your health and the things that truly matter to you.
Well, that’s my perspective on it.
Reason #7: Miscommunication
Often, before cheating occurs, there is deep miscommunication between spouses, where one feels emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, and the other withholds the needed affection as a form of retaliation for “bad behavior.” This can lead to one or both partners seeking satisfaction outside the relationship.
Reason #8: Cultural Issues
Moreover, cultures have varying beliefs about infidelity. Although no one would approve of infidelity, this study of varying cultures revealed different beliefs concerning the seriousness of sexual betrayal. Some people may argue that western culture tacitly approves of infidelity.
In the next section, I will present a general message relating to sexual infidelity for partners.
Despite what you saw in your parents' relationship, you have a choice. Decide for yourself, and for the sake of your kids (if applicable), what you need to do to preserve your dignity and self-worth.
How To Handle Being Cheated or Being a Cheater: A Message for Both
For the cheater
Nobody made you cheat on your spouse/partner. Let’s just clear that up. Yes, he or she may not have provided you with the emotional or sexual support you desire.
Maybe you feel unsatisfied with your life and are looking for some excitement from another partner. However, trying to juggle multiple relationships is stressful.
Your spouse and lover have limited time to spend with you. Perhaps you like it that way. No particular person truly knows you, your fears, or issues. If so, now is the time to understand the emotional reasons behind your infidelity.
For the spouse/partner of the cheater
There is no innocent party with respect to an extramarital affair. I understand that your trust was violated, and you may fear having a sexually transmitted disease.
In some cases, a child is a product of an illicit affair. All of these things are true. However, now is the time for you to examine what part, if any, you contributed to the relationship breakdown.
Did you withdraw your sexual or emotional affection? Perhaps you were so busy with the children or other projects that you didn’t notice your spouse distancing themselves from you.
Is this behavior considered “normal” in your culture, leading you to conclude that it is just “men being men”? All of these issues must be addressed if you want to heal.
Two Tips On Healing From Infidelity In A Relationship
Tip #1: Deal with unresolved codependency issues
Clients I have worked with have often suffered from codependency issues, thinking that if they can enable their spouse’s bad behavior, they can get them to love them better. This leads to a sea of self-pity and embarrassment. However, you don’t have to stand by your man (or woman) no matter what.
Despite what you saw in your parents’ relationship, you have a choice. Decide for yourself, and for the sake of your kids (if applicable), what you need to do to preserve your dignity and self-worth.
Tip #2: Stay as long as you can
Pain is a great teacher. It tells us what we want and need. That being said, stay in the relationship as long as you can. Learn more about yourself and what you want.
You know when the relationship is over when you feel apathetic yet loving towards the other person. This is when you are able to see them as an imperfect human being like yourself, yet feel no need to continue the romantic relationship. I hope these tips helped. Next, I will share my final thoughts.
Whether you cheated or your partner did, it's important to think about how you feel about yourself and your relationship from now on. You should decide what to do about your relationship based on clear thinking, not because you're scared, upset, or mad.
Final thoughts
Cheating isn’t just about “losing control” or lacking boundaries or morals. It’s a complicated matter involving religion, culture, and family.
Whether you cheated or your partner did, it’s crucial to reflect on how you see yourself and your relationship going forward. Make decisions about your relationship based on careful thought, not because you’re afraid, upset, or angry.
If you need more help, don’t hesitate to contact me.
Dig deeper: Are you looking to rediscover yourself after an emotional or sexual affair? Click here to listen to this episode of my podcast or press the play button below.
Questions for you if you were or are in an extramarital affair:
- What was your experience?
- How did the affair end?
- How do you feel about yourself before, during, or after?
- How did your experience impact your love life?
Let me know via X at @deniseglee. I would like to include your opinion when I update this article.
