Here are some tips to help you break the habit and discover healthier relationships

Open your eyes to the pattern

Yes, there’s a pattern here and even if you don’t see it at first, that subconscious part of you has known all along. 

You find yourself asking ‘Why do I attract unqualified men/women?’ – let’s fix that real quick. You don’t attract them, you ACCEPT them. While it’s great to be forgiving and open-minded, don’t do it at your expense. 

Because unavailable partners don’t care enough to do it for your sake so there’s no point in returning the favor. This is the first step in the process, as soon as you consciously recognize the pattern, the better.

Never ignore red flags

Let’s be brutally honest – nobody is perfect, including you. However, seeking a healthy and fulfilling relationship doesn’t mean you won’t have to overlook an annoying habit. Compromise is a key in any relationship, having said that, compromise isn’t the entire relationship.

If you find yourself giving into every single demand when not even half of yours are met. If you’re constantly begging your partner to do the bare minimum; being wronged, and never getting a sincere apology in return – run baby, run. 

Such romantic partners will go above and beyond to convince you that they’re the best you can do and that you ask for too much – rest assured, that’s just them projecting their insecurities. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you’ll find yours. 

Watch out for love-bombing

Emotionally unavailable men and women tend to love bomb their romantic interests and confuse them through these cues regarding their stance on commitment. This is where you need to protect yourself. So, know that the honeymoon period is always there, even in abusive unions. But it’s only the individuals who put effort into elongating this period worth your time and energy. 

In all honesty, you can be the strongest and most independent woman out there and yet fall prey to love bombing. Here’s a mental checklist to help keep you grounded and in check with reality:

1. If they are obsessed with you in the literal sense of the word, meaning they want to know everything about you instantly. They are trying to bypass the time it takes to build intimacy with intensity.
2. Those who want to flood you with extravagant gifts and attention. These are used to bait you into feeling guilty for not succumbing to their demands later.
3. Your new partner wants to create a long-term commitment but neither of you knows each other that well (this might have worked a century ago but times are different today, you don’t need to ring-ed two weeks after the first date).
4. They bombard you with verbal or physical affection, 24/7 (literally round the clock), and get upset when you show signs of needing some space – bear in mind, this doesn’t mean showing love isn’t important, it is, but if that’s all your partner does, tread carefully. 
5. They show love but as soon as you say no, even to the most mundane stuff, they get into a mood and want to withdraw emotionally, physically or sexually.

Focus on meeting your own needs

Traumatized children often go the extra mile to meet the needs of others. This is a compensatory tactic that allows them to give others what they didn’t receive growing up. As a result, these individuals are prone to be taken advantage of, especially within romantic partnerships.

If you can relate to the above, know that your strength shouldn’t just be exerted to help others. You need to put yourself first and focus on your personal growth.

Directing all your energies to one person isn’t just bad for you but also for them, it hurts your self-esteem when the other person (sometimes rightfully so) asks for space and you’re left feeling lonely.

Therefore, find your true calling, pursue passionate interests, socialize and stay in touch with your friends, and have a life that’s separate from your romantic partner.

Communicate your boundaries 

There’s something very powerful about vocalizing your boundaries. It allows you to establish a point of reference and put it out in the open. Most of all, it saves a lot of heartbreak when a potential partner falls short.

Despite what abusive relationships might have had you believe, your core values are more important than your boyfriend/girlfriend. If someone who claims to love you can’t even respect your boundaries, how will they even keep you happy in the future?

Don’t be afraid to steer away from your ‘type’

Finding a partner who clicks doesn’t always have to check all the boxes on your list. While it’s important to have a type and cater to it, like all humans, some of your criteria might be superficial and hence, stopping you from finding a true mate.

So, when it comes to choosing between men and women to spend your life with, don’t be rigid about every aspect. Sometimes, those who will love you most come with attributes – physical and otherwise – that might not qualify as ‘love at first sight’. But there is no love at first sight, love is gradual, it’s patient and it’s persistent.

Final Thoughts

Do not be disheartened from the past. You can and will find the love that will cherish your feelings and respect your thoughts.

While you are waiting this is a perfect time to improve your confidence so that you can attract an emotionally available and caring partner. 

Need more help? Let’s work together and address the reasons behind your past relationship so that you can live a happier and more fulfilled life.

Dig deeper: Learn more about how to build quality relationships with others. Click here or press play on the button below to listen to this episode from my podcast.